Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller and have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping the show alive.

FISH & BERNICE:

Around the World

By: Ra’Ay’Mond

Sgt. Phillip K. Fish walks into the detective’s squad room with a large brown paper bag in his hand. He tells everyone in the room hello. He walks over to the name board to peg himself in for the day. Once this is done, he takes off his hat and coat, and goes over to his desk. He then places the bag near his phone.

As soon as he sits down in his chair, his phone rings.

He picks up the receiver and gives his time-tested introduction, “Hello, 12th Precinct, Sergeant Fish speaking. How may I help…oh hello Bernice.“

After listening to her question, he tells her , “Yes Bernice. I’ve just come back form the pharmacy. I think that I’ve got everything that I’ll need for our big adventure this week-end.”

While they are talking on the phone, Barney walks out of his office to pour himself some coffee. He steeps over to Wojo’s desk first, and looks at the young woman that Wojo has arrested this morning. He asks him, “What’s her story?”

Wojo looks at his early morning arrest. He then turns back to Barney and says, “Just a lady of the evening that decided to work the morning shift.” He then laughs a little and tells Barney, “I would call her a street walker, but she was just standing there when she propositioned me.”

The woman makes an un-kind face at Wojo, before turning to Barney and smiling as she says, “I just couldn’t help myself. He had this desperate, hungry look in his eyes. He looked like he really needed some relaxing.”

Meanwhile, Fish tells Bernice, “That’s right Bernice. We’re finally going to do what we’ve been talking about all these Years. This weekend, I’m going to make all over your dreams come true. I’m going to take you on a trip around the world!”

When he says that, everyone in the room stops talking and listens in.

Fish says, “First were going to do it kosher style! Yeah, I thought that we better start out with something that we're familiar with.”

Upon hearing this, Barney and Wojo give each other a confused look. They then both turn toward the hooker, and give her a questioning glance.

She moves a little closer to both men and whispers to them, “Don’t ask me. I’ve taken a lot of strange requests. But that’s a new one on me!”

Barney slowly walks toward Fish’s desk. As he comes closer to Sgt. Nick Yemana, Fish tells Bernice, “Next we’ll do it sushi style. Takes right honey, with chop-sticks!”

Barney looks at Nick for some type of answer as too what Fish is talking about. Yemana’s mouth drops open when he hears what Fish has just said. He answers Barney’s unspoken question in his typical deadpan manner by saying, “I don’t know what he’s talking about barn. But, I sure hope they’re both very careful. If they do it wrong, they may get splitters!” And before Barney can ask him the obvious, Nick tells him, “Don’t ask.”

Barney shakes off the added confusion that Nick just throw at him. He once again slowly walks toward Fish. When he ends up next to Sgt. Chano Amenguale. Fish then laughs a little as he tells Bernice, “Then after I’ve had a chance to rest-up for a day, I think that we should try that thing that you’ve been after me to do for some time now. He smiles at Bernice’s response and says, “That’s right Bernice, hot and spicy, salsa style.”

When Chano hears this, he turns to Barney and quickly says, “Hey Barn. I’m not sure if he’s talking about food, or sex. But no matter which one it is, I don’t think that he’ll be coming to work next Monday!” Chano then quickly tilts his head to the right and gives Barn a smile, and a shrug before going back to filing his reports.

Barney finally taps Fish on the shoulder and tells him, "Ah, Fish. Do you think that you can call Bernice right back, I have to ask you something?”

Fish nods his head yes, and tells Bernice that he’ll call her back a little later.

Barney then looks around the office at all of the curious faces that are now staring slack jawed at Fish. He then asks him, “Uh, Fish. I was wondering if you would like to call Bernice back in private, on the phone in my office. I’m not sure, but I kind off got the impression that you may not want anyone listening in.”

Fish looks a little confused as he listens too Barney’s question. He then notices everyone staring at him. He points at his bag and tells Barney, and everyone else, “What’s wrong? I was just telling Bernice that I’ve brought the antacid, aspirin and bromo that I’ll need for our around the world weekend.”

Barney and everyone else in the room looks even more confused then before. So Fish continues, “I know that I complain about Bernice a lot. However, she is the love of my life. And let’s face it, some times, I can be a little grumpy. So I decided to show her my appreciation for all the years of happiness that she has given me. So from now on, once a year, we’ll check into a hotel downtown. And we’ll only eat in restaurants that serve food from around the world. Since we were never able too afford a real trip around the world, this is as near as were ever going to get. Fish then looks around the room again and asks, “Barn, what did all of you think I was talking about?”

As soon as he says that, everyone but Barney avoids eye contact with him. They all start mumbling at the same time while pretending to work. Barney then tells Fish, “I…they…we thought that the call may be of a …” Barney moves his hands in a hesitant, circular motion for the last part, “romantic nature. Some of the types of food and the way that you described them, could be taken the wrong way. If you only heard one side of the conversation, like we did.”

Fish thinks about what he has just heard and tells Barney, “You’re kidding, right?”

Barney then looks around the room for help. Once again, all of his men avoid eye contact with him. He then looks toward the hooker and shrugs toward her for help.

She looks toward Barney and reluctantly nods her head OK. She gets out of her chair, walks over to Fish, and tells him, “Some of the things you said could be taken the wrong way. For instance, she then whispers into Fish’s ear and talks to him in private.

After several seconds, Fish’s look of confusion is replaced with looks of bewilderment, embarrassment, incomprehension, disorientation and then anger.

He then tells the woman, “Get out‘a here!”

She tells Fish that she’s not joking. Some of the things that he talked about on the phone could be mistaken for some of the acts that she just described to him. He then points toward the chair that she was sitting in, and once again tells her, “No really, get out‘a here! And sit down! You’re giving me a headache!”

He then looks at all of the faces around the room and says out loud, “Are you people crazy? I barely survived listening too the things this young woman had too say. If I actually tried to do any of them, I doubt that I would make it to dinner!”

Barney then says, “I apologize Fish!”

Fish waves Barney closer to him. In a low voice, he tells him, “Barney, thanks for thinking that I was still capable of having a crazy weekend like that. But whatever you do, please don’t tell Bernice about this mix-up. The last thing I need is for her too start thinking that I’m up too dinner, and a show!”

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