Author: NewSon PM
Everybody knows about Kairi's keyblade But here's my take on it. First attempt at a story of my own. Sorry if it sucks.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Words: 1,114 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Published: 06-13-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3592342
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
If there was one thing I hated about KH, it was the handling, or lack of, the character Kairi. She had so much potential as a character. I mean, she was a freaking Princess of Heart! And she could have followed the road of other Square females, and become a very badass and hot chick. But No! She was made to follow the road of the Disney princess AKA a sappy, wimpy, girly girl, DID (Damsel in Distress). Don't get me wrong, I like Kairi, but her established Mary Sueism has become too much, even for this Kairi fan to ignore anymore. So we come to the scene where Kairi is in the TWTNW (The World that never was) and she tries to fight the Heartless. And Riku gives her a Keyblade. You think this is good. Because now Kairi can show that she is not some weak useless girl. NOT! The…thing that Riku gave Kairi was something…something totally GAY! It was a keyblade designed to be extremely girly. It had flowers all over it. And not in a cool way like Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho. It was totally girly and stupid. If that abomination could kill anything, its victims would probably die of laughter at the sight of something so gay. And SHE ACCEPTED IT and LIKED IT! That was the fake version of the incident. I have the TRUTH!
Here is the real version…
Disclaimer: I don't own my own shoes. So explain how owning KH is possible for me?
Kairi watched in terror as the heartless swarmed Sora from the balcony in the Twilight's
View in the Castle that Never Was.
"Hey!" "Get off of him!" She yelled. And with that, she leaped off the balcony onto the castle floors to try to help Sora from the swarm (How did she jump all the way down there? She would have broken her legs)
As soon as she landed, she was jumped and swarmed by a few weak shadows. Just as she thought she was dead, the heartless that had jumped her were obliterated. She looked up and saw Riku (who was still ansemfied) had saved her. She was about to thank him, but he said nothing but handed her a keyblade.
"Here." He offered "Take this."
"Ohhh" Kairi said as she marveled a keyblade. Then, suddenly, it processed through her mind just exactly what "Riku" had given her.
She looked at the keyblade. It was…colorful to say the least. And the "Key" part of it was made up of flowers. And not very cool flowers.
She looked at "Riku" He smiled a small smile as if he was pleased that he had given her this…weapon.
"Oh, Riku-kun?" She asked very sweetly (Yes, they are JAPANESE)
"Yea?" He answered. Her question was not a very happy one. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Kairi's eyes were currently not visible under her bangs. Or it could have been the dangerously deadly aura that was currently radiating off of her that would have made the entire Organization shit their pants and start crying. Literally
.: Alter Of Naught:.
Xemnas stood from the platform, staring, as was his hobby, at Kingdom Hearts. But suddenly, he felt his bowels move. And suddenly heard a disturbing sound. He slowly put his hand on the bottom of his pants. His face turned red from shock and embarrassment
"Did I just shit on myself?"
Similar scenes followed
.:The Gambler of Fate's room:.
"I just soiled on myself!!"
.:The Lunar Driver:.
What the FUCK?!?!
.: The Freeshooter:.
Riku was on the verge of shitting himself. As Kairi looked up at him with eyes that would freeze Satan's balls over five times. And she asked him ever so nicely.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!" She roared
"You're…keyblade." Riku answered very meekly. He had NEVER seen this side of Kairi and frankly, he was scared shitless.
"WHY are you stereotyping?" She questioned "Just because I have a pussy, doesn't mean my weapon has to be the GIRLIST PIECE OF CRAP YOU COULD FIND!!!"
"BUT MY BUTT!" DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT I GET FROM STUPID YAOI FANGIRLS AND HATERS ABOUT HOW USELESS AND IN THE WAY OF YOU AND SORA'S SUPPOSED "LOVE" I AM? DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE A FREAKIN PRINCESS? FUCKING GAY! I JUST HAVE TO SIT ON MY ASS, BE LITTLE MISS PERFECT, GET KIDNAPPED ALL THE TIME, AND WHEN I GET SAVED, I'M SUPPOSED TO FALL INTO THE HERO"S ARMS LIKE SOME BIMBO! DO YOU GET HOW FUCKING DEMORALIZING THAT IS!?"
While Riku was fearing for his life, Sora, Donald, and Goofy were watching with very wide eyes.
"Oookay." Sora noted "Not to self." "Never piss Kairi off." "EVER."
"Hey!" came a yell from another balcony. Kairi and Riku looked up. There was a black and grey haired guy with an eye patch glaring at them.
"You guys are supposed to be fighting and losing to me!" "I'm being ignored here!"
"Oh, GO FUCK YOURSELF" Kairi retorted while flipping the bird. And with that, she threw the Keyblade at Xigbar and literally took his head off.
Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Riku all said the same thing. "DAYMN!"
Kairi turned to Riku and glared. "Don't relax yet, fucker! That WAS gonna be you."
"Riku gulped as Kairi walked ahead. Leading the group like a woman with a purpose
Sora just looked longingly at her walking form.
"Damn! Nice ass" He said to himself. Let's just say, that at this moment, Sora's a very naughty boy.
Epilogue: The group killed Xemnas and the rest of the Organization. Kairi found out about Tetsuya Noruma and his designing of her character. Here is the scene now.
Tetsuya: Oh good, my new issue of "Nerds who live with their Mothers monthly" is here
The character designer walked excitedly to his door and opened in widely. In the front door was a red haired girl dressed in a pink dress and shoes, wielding a very menacing looking hatchet.
She looked at the Japanese man and smiled a very evil grin.
"Let's have a little chat about princesses" She said. And with that, she grabbed Tetsuya by his collar and dragged him out the door.
"Uhh" He called nervously "Mom, I'm going out."
"Don't come back unless you bring me grandchildren!"
Well, what did you think. Personally, I think it sucked. But it's up to you. R&R!