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Visitation
CharliesHoodie
Anyhow, here is the story, which I believe you’ll like.
Jack Shephard was standing near the center of the living room, his radio blaring and an open bottle of hard liquor in one hand. He had listened to this song about ten times now. He knew every single word by heart, even in his drunken screaming rage.
“WHEN I’M ALIVE SHOUT IT OUT LOUD. AND I’M ALIVE – SHOUT IT LOUD.”
Jack went over to the radio, trying to crank the volume up even more. But it wasn’t any good; he already had it as loud as it would go.
“Fuck,” Jack grunted, kicking the little CD player slightly, causing the CD to skip a little but then go back to the song.
Ever since getting off the island this is what Jack had been doing. Drinking, screaming, and popping pills. Every time he saw the rest of the survivors, it was like a huge slap in the face. They all looked so clean and put together. They didn’t look necessarily HAPPY all the time, but at least they looked presentable, and they certainly hadn’t turned into an alcoholic-druggie combined.
In fact, most of the survivors weren’t happy back on the mainland. Things would’ve been different if Charlie hadn’t died to get them there, and things would’ve been different if they were all together like they had been for about three months.
He remembered the helicopter ride back. Silence the entire time.
He hadn’t even been able to talk to anyone during the ride. Kate was busy with Claire who was a complete mess after Desmond came back without Charlie. Sawyer went from staying with Kate and Claire to going to the back of the helicopter to read. Juliet had been on the phone sobbing with her sister, Rachel. Locke was angry and staying secluded from everyone. Desmond sat alone as well and was writing a letter to Penny, presumably. No one really felt like talking to one another, and Jack was terrified that once they got off they would all leave immediately without a word.
And that was basically what happened. Most people left, but Jack was able to gather Desmond, Claire, Kate, Hurley and Sawyer together. He was distraught to see Juliet and Locke leave without a word to him. He had expected that from Locke…not Juliet.
Jack was able to exchange numbers with Claire, Hurley and Kate only. “I don’t want to ever have to think about this experience or have any connections with it ever again,” Desmond had said. “I want to forget.”
“You can’t forget,” Claire said, exhausted. “Desmond, you can’t just forget what happened. You were there much longer than we were. That’s erasing years of your life.”
“I don’t want any connections with you people,” Desmond said decisively. “And that’s for the best. Every time you think of me, Claire, you’re going to think about what happened to Charlie. And every time I think of you or see you or talk to you, I’m going to think about him too. Like I said, I want to forget what happened.”
“You’re a fucking coward,” Sawyer spat. “Told that poor kid he was going to die and then didn’t even save him.”
Desmond fumed. “You weren’t there. You don’t know what happened. You don’t know any-“
“Hey!” Jack interrupted. “I didn’t gather us all here to kill each other.” He looked over at Claire who was staring down at Aaron, frowning slightly. “I brought us here so we can exchange numbers.” He turned to Desmond. “If that’s something you don’t want to do, get the hell out of here.”
Everyone looked at Jack, slightly shocked. Desmond’s eyes widened slightly, and with a quick look at the survivors he turned to go.
“Bye, Desmond,” Kate called after him quietly. Hurley waved slightly at his back.
“You didn’t have to be so mean to him…” Kate said, looking up at Jack.
“He did kill Charlie,” Hurley pointed out. Claire bit her lip, still refusing to look at them.
“He didn’t kill Charlie,” Kate said, looking at Hurley. “Did you hear the story? Charlie closed that door on himself – he let it happen because he knew things would be different if he didn’t die. He did it for us.”
“I’ll never understand why, either,” Sawyer snorted. “No one ever did a single thing for him. I don’t get why he was so eager to sacrifice himself for a bunch of people who didn’t even care about him to begin with.”
“James!” Kate warned, looking at Claire urgently. She had now looked up from Aaron and was staring at Sawyer, hurt.
“I cared about him,” Claire said quietly. “And Hurley did, too.” Hurley gave a supportive nod.
“And Desmond,” Hurley added in, reconsidering the ‘Desmond-killed-him’ phrase. “Desmond saved him, like, five times.”
“Forgive me, three people,” Sawyer said sarcastically. “I liked him fine, but I would never let myself die for three random people I’ve known for three months.”
“Dude, everyone knows he did it for Claire,” Hurley pointed out, exhausted. Claire looked up.
“What?” She asked.
“Desmond didn’t tell you? He saw you and Aaron get on the helicopter,” Hurley said, gesturing behind them at the helicopter. “That’s what made him go. He wanted you and Aaron to be rescued.”
Claire swallowed slightly and looked down, a stray tear dripping down her cheek. Jack squeezed her shoulder and turned to everyone else.
“How can you say no one cared about him but three people?” Jack asked to no specific person, but he still looked at Sawyer when he said it. “I cared about him. I saved his life before!”
“You’re also a doctor,” Sawyer pointed out. “You would’ve done it for anyone. You cared about everyone on that island. Most of us had one or two people we held onto. Sure, we didn’t want everyone else to die but we weren’t hell-bent on saving everyone like you were.” At this, Sawyer looked at Kate. “Most of us just had one person we loved there.”
Kate’s mouth dropped open slightly and she shook her head. “Sawyer, this is completely uncalled for. Leave Jack alone about this and, please, stop talking about Charlie. We all cared about him. But probably not as much as we should have.” Kate looked at Jack sadly.
“Why’d you look at me?” Jack asked suspiciously. “Just because I didn’t cling to one person obsessively” - a glance at Sawyer – “this is all suddenly my fault?”
“You cared more about a group of people than you did one person,” Claire said, suddenly joining in on the conversation, a sudden realization hitting her. It didn’t sound bad at first – a person would naturally want to save a group of people before a single person. But coming from her, it made it sound like the worst thing you could possibly do. “I remember now – ‘Charlie, you still up for a swim?’” She quoted, laughing slightly. “Didn’t you mean ‘Charlie, you still up to dying for us?’”
“How was I supposed to know about Desmond’s visions?” Jack exclaimed.
“You said yourself before Charlie even volunteered for it that it was a suicide mission – you wouldn’t let Sayid go,” Sawyer pointed out.
“And I almost didn’t let Charlie go, if you remember that,” Jack countered. “But when it came down to it-“ He stopped, realizing they were right.
“When it came down to it, a single life didn’t matter anymore,” Hurley finished for him, although those weren’t the words Jack was about to use.
“Hurley,” Jack said quietly. Sawyer glared at Jack slightly and walked away towards the parking lot.
“James…” Kate called after him, starting to walk with him.
“Wait!” Jack stopped her and she reluctantly walked back. “We need to exchange numbers.”
Everyone looked hesitant about this, especially after the argument they had just had. Kate looked back at Sawyer as he walked away and then back at Jack. She sighed and scribbled her number on the back of a paper. Jack did the same for her.
“Goodbye, Jack,” Kate said, looking at him sadly. She followed Sawyer.
Claire, without looking at Jack, wrote down her number and left.
Jack frowned. Everyone was leaving him now on such a bad note. He looked at Hurley, hoping for his classic comic relief after all the hostility.
“Dude…I don’t have paper, so…” he took the sharpie Jack had been using to write down his own number and wrote his number down on Jack’s hand.
“I’ll see you, man,” Hurley said awkwardly with a shrug before walking after Claire.
Jack was left standing alone by the helicopter. He sighed and raised his hand up near his face to read Hurley’s number. Hurley was probably the only person he would actually call – the only person he felt really comfortable with.
“SCREW YOU” was scrawled across his palm.
Jack let his hand fall and he frowned. Definitely not the comic relief he was expecting.
“You.”
Jack looked up quickly from staring at the pavement and saw in front of him a man about his height with a blonde woman standing next to him and a small girl next to the blonde woman, holding her hand.
Jack bit his lip. “Yeah? What is it?”
“You’re from Flight 815?” the man asked.
“I am,” Jack answered. “Do you know someone from the flight? Almost everyone left already.”
The man’s face brightened slightly and he beamed at the woman. “Yeah, Charlie Pace? You know where I can find him?”
The woman next to him shook her head and put her hand on the man’s shoulder. “Liam, love, you’re jumping ahead of yourself. We don’t even know if Charlie survived the plane crash.” She looked at Jack. “Did he?”
Liam bit his lip, bracing himself.
Jack’s eyes drifted back down to the pavement. “He survived the crash.” Liam let out a small laugh of relief. But when Jack didn’t smile at him or show any positive signs, Liam frowned again.
“What is it?”
“Liam,” Jack said, running his hand over his head. “Liam…Pace?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Liam answered. “Charlie’s brother.”
“Liam, let me take you out to lunch.”
“I don’t know what kind of state he left this in,” Liam admitted, swinging open the door. “So I’m warning you now.”
They both stepped inside and Liam switched on the lights. Clothes were scattered all over the floor and there were still dirty dishes in the sink. Liam laughed slightly while he looked around. “This is just like him, really. This place is a mess.”
Jack stood awkwardly in the center of the living room, glancing around. A small baggie on the floor caught his attention and he picked it up.
“Heroin,” Jack announced to Liam, looking over at him. Liam bit his lip and took it from Jack.
“He was addicted…I don’t know if you knew that,” Liam said.
“I did,” Jack said. “He stopped on the island – he died without the addiction, you know. He died a good person in every aspect possible.” Jack sighed and ran a finger over the kitchen counter, collecting dust under his fingernail. “Desmond said, even in the midst of drowning, he crossed himself.” Jack smiled slightly at Liam. “I don’t think you have to worry about him anymore.”
A small smile escaped on Liam’s lips. “He was always very religious, he just lost it with the band, you know? I’m glad he went back to it.” Liam paused and disappeared into Charlie’s room briefly. He came back out with a stack of CDs.
“Here you are,” Liam said cheerfully, dumping the stack onto the counter in front of Jack. “You should have these – he would probably want you to. You guys seem like you were pretty close.”
Jack stared down at the CDs guiltily. “You don’t want to keep these? You probably appreciate music a lot more than I do. And have time to appreciate it.” Jack shook his head. “You should keep them, Liam.”
Liam laughed. “Charlie and I basically have the same CDs anyway. It would be a waste to take them back to Australia. But I don’t want to give them away to just anyone, either.” He looked at Jack. “Jack, please. You take them. I know he would want you to.”
“Why do you think that?” Jack asked, confused.
“Because you seem like you knew him – cared about him a lot.”
Jack frowned slightly. I cared about everyone he wanted to say. He didn’t want Liam to think that he and his brother were completely best friends on the island, because they weren’t. Charlie was often overlooked there, as much as it pained Jack to admit. He didn’t want to take Charlie’s CD collection when it should really go to someone like Claire.
“Tell you what,” Jack said to Liam, pushing the CDs aside. “I’ll give you Claire Littleton’s number. She and Charlie were closer than I was with him. Much closer. He even gave her baby that ring he always wore – the one that said ‘DS.’”
Liam paused, a slightly horrified look on his face. “That ring was supposed to go to his son.”
“Aaron basically was his son, Liam,” Jack pointed out. “I’m sorry if you had better plans for it, but that’s what he wanted to do. He loved that kid.”
“No, it’s not that,” Liam said, looking down at the stained, carpeted floor. “I just…never thought he’d give that away to someone he knew for three months. That’s not like him. He really did change, didn’t he?”
“Actually, Aaron was born near our second month on the island. He was with Aaron for only two months.”
A few small tears formed in Liam’s eyes. “I never should have been so hard on him,” he said quietly. “I always saw him as a selfish person. It wasn’t until later I realized that he only cared about himself because he was afraid people were going to hurt him.”
Jack shook his head. “He wasn’t selfish. Maybe a little when we first crashed…but what he did…it was truly unbelievable. Liam, he is – was – a good person. Like I said before, don’t worry about him anymore. I have a feeling he’s a lot happier where he is now.”
“Take the CDs,” Liam said again suddenly. “I like you, Jack. I think you should take them. Please.”
“Liam, I already told you-“
Liam shook his head. “Trust me on this one, Shephard. He would want you to have them. Please don’t argue with me about it. You’re a hero, Jack. It’s the least I can do to pay you back for helping my brother.”
“I’m no hero,” Jack said, shaking his head.
“Oh, please,” Liam tsked. “Don’t all the heroes say that? You’re just succumbing even more to the stereotype.”
“Your brother was much more of a hero than I was there. I just wish more people could’ve realized that.” Jack paused. “I’ll give you Claire’s number. Give these to her.”
Liam shook his head. “Jack, no. I told you, Charlie would want you to have these-“
“No,” Jack cut him off. “He wouldn’t. You want to know why? Because I’m the one who basically sent him to his death. I could’ve not let him go, I could’ve forced he and Desmond to stay. But I didn’t. I cared more about the rest of the survivors than one or two people. I’m not saying it was right, but that’s how I felt. I was leading them – I had to protect the larger group.” Jack couldn’t look Liam in the eye. “It’s my fault just as much as Desmond’s that he’s gone. He wouldn’t want me to have these. I killed him.”
“All the more reason to take them,” Liam responded quietly with a half smile. Jack was amazed at how alike Liam and Charlie were. Liam was taller than Charlie had been and looked different, but Jack was still greatly reminded of Charlie when he talked to Liam and looked at him.
Jack now had a few tears building up in his eyes. He wasn’t going to argue anymore. He set his hand on the stack of CDs.
“You sure you want me to take these?”
“That’s what we’ve been arguing about for the last ten minutes, haven’t we?”
Jack grinned despite himself. Definitely like his brother.
Liam hugged Jack. “I know you cared about him more than you think you did.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because if you really didn’t care about him as much as you’re saying, you wouldn’t be here right now crying about it.”
And that was how Jack ended up where he was. In his living room – drunk - listening to Charlie’s CDs and memorizing the lyrics.
He looked at the CD case of the one he was listening to. His vision was blurred from the alcohol, but he was still able to read it. The album was called “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” and the band was “Oasis.” Jack groaned slightly and set it down. He looked through the other CDs. A good percent of them were Oasis CDs. Charlie had liked Oasis.
Oasis was also one of Jack’s favorite bands. That was why he knew all the words.
Amazing, the connections you could have with people and not realize until later.
Even after three months of being with the person.
Jack set down his bottle of alcohol. If he couldn’t even recognize a song from one of his favorite bands, he had definitely had too much.
He was done with the alcohol, but not necessarily done with drug intake in general.
He staggered over to his medicine cabinet and opened it. Boxes and bottles of pills he had taken from the hospital fell out into the sink in front of the cabinet. He grabbed two of the pill bottles and went back into his living room, collapsing on the couch as he clumsily opened one of the bottles, expertly twisting off the safety lock. He looked down into the bottle, staring at the white circular pills. He could so easily down these and end his life. End his guilt; end his memories of the island. He could forget about Kate, first of all. She was off with Sawyer now. Even after Jack had told her he loved her. He could forget about Boone, Shannon, Eko, Ana, Libby…Charlie. It could all be gone. They could all be gone. Right now. He raised the rim of the bottle to his lips as he grabbed his bottle of liquor to wash it down.
“You’ve got to get it together, mate.”
Jack dropped the bottle and the little pills scattered across his carpet. He slammed down the bottle of liquor and jerked around towards the voice.
Charlie stood next to his couch, looking very much alive. He also looked like he did when Jack saw him last. Same outfit, his hair a little tousled. The only thing different was that his feet were bare.
“Charlie?” Jack muttered, blinking rapidly.
“Hey,” Charlie said with the same smile as his brother. His smile faltered when he heard Jack curse under his breath.
“Jack, what’re you doing? Look at you! You’re a mess. Getting drunk, and then…” he pointed at the pills scattered on the floor. “Suicide?”
“I can’t deal with this anymore, Charlie,” Jack confessed. “What’re you? Some…hallucination?”
Charlie laughed slightly and walked over to the CD player, turning off the music. “You like my CDs, then?”
Jack closed his eyes tightly, refusing what he was seeing. “You just…turned off the radio. This isn’t happening.”
“It’s not a hallucination, Jack.”
“You’re dead. You drowned. Desmond even took some of us down to the Looking Glass to see because we wouldn’t believe until we saw…”
“Of course I’m dead.”
“Then what’re you doing in my house?!”
“Does it matter?” Charlie asked, sitting down on the couch next to Jack who moved over slightly. He touched Charlie’s shoulder. He felt real. He could feel his shirt under his fingertips.
“Oh God,” Jack groaned, burying his face in his hands. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t make you stay.”
“Don’t be sorry, Jack. It was supposed to happen. I let it happen. I would’ve gone anyway, with or without your permission.”
“Sounds like you.”
Charlie grinned slightly. “Promise me you’ll not be sorry anymore, ok?” he said, suddenly getting serious. “And that you’ll stop with all the drinking and pill-popping. You’re reminding me of how I used to be. And that’s not a good thing.”
“How am I supposed to just forget and go on? The rest of them – they’re mad at me for what happened to you. And it’s not just you, either. It’s everything that’s happened on the island. It felt like I was in complete control of everyone and I just…screwed it up. People died – you died. I hurt people, Charlie.”
“That’s no excuse to just stop living, to stop your own plans. I can’t help it if they’re upset, but I just want to tell you that I’m not mad at you. Doesn’t that amount to something?”
“Yeah,” Jack answered. “It does. But the rest of them – and Kate…I loved her.”
“It’s time to start over, mate,” Charlie said. “You’d be happier if you let whatever happened there go. You’d stop this drinking nonsense. You’d get healthy again, make people at the hospital feel better about you. I’m not upset with you – I hope that gives you a sense of release.”
Jack nodded slightly, but didn’t say anything.
“Bye, Jack,” Charlie said, standing up.
“Wait!” Jack stood up too fast and got lightheaded and dizzy. When his vision cleared, Charlie was nowhere in sight and the radio was turned up again. He collapsed back down on the couch, rubbing his eyes and wiping away a few stray tears.
The pills were still scattered on the floor. Charlie had been there. It wasn’t a hallucination or some mind game.
It was time to clean up.
-LOST-
A/N: I hope you liked it. Please review!
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