Author: ussshorty PM
You try to hide the pain of the heart. Lock it away until it finally catches up with you. Instead of letting people in, you keep the pain and the tears to yourself. Paint the perfect picture until you're in a place to think. EC JCRated: Fiction K+ - English - Romance/Angst - Eric D. & Calleigh D. - Words: 2,169 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Published: 06-16-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3597780
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Hey guys. I am a huge Eric/Calleigh shipper but I also love Calleigh/Jake and I just can't wait for season 6 to see how the whole triangle develops. Anyway, this idea popped into my head whilst I was in the bath, most of my ideas come to me when i'm in the bath, and I knew I had to use it before it dissapeared into the hollowness that is the back of my mind. Hope you enjoy and please review. Bad and good accepted.
Title: Hidden Tears
Pairing: Eric/Calleigh Jake/Calleigh
Summary: You try to hide the pain of the heart. Lock it away until it finally catches up with you. Instead of letting people in, you keep the pain and the tears to yourself. Paint the perfect picture until you're in a place to think.
I don't like to cry. Crying doesn't make a person weak. People don't deserve pity for the tears they shed, they deserve admiration. I'm a coward. I wait until i'm in my apartment, where I sit in the dark, all alone. The tears flow easily. They eventually dry up when i've poured my fifth glass of vodka. I start to numb to the pain, the hurt and the loneliness that I feel. Over the past three years i've come to rely on the combination of a dark, lonely apartment and a bottle of cheap vodka.
All this started when my best friend died. Tim didn't deserve to die. He was a great guy who got on with work and his life and never moaned about it. He wasn't just my friend. He was like a brother to me. The first case I ever worked on as a member of day shift I worked with him. He was quiet and if i'm being honest, I thought he was a little moody and not someone i'd want to hang out with. That all changed however, when I was invited out for a team night. He was completely different. He smiled and laughed, even danced with Calleigh but i'd bet my life of the fact that no man on earth would refuse a dance with Calleigh. As the night went on, I came to realise that he had two different persona's. He had his work persona which was quiet and concealed and then he had his down time persona which was fun and likeable.
The night Tim died, I left work and headed for the nearest liquor store. I picked up a bottle of cheap vodka and headed home to an apartment where the lights would not go on for a few days. I was angry that I wasn't the one with him at the jewellery store. I was angry that I didn't get to say goodbye for a final time. I had to say goodbye to him in a casket and I was angry. Even though every part of my body boiled with anger, I was also thankful to Horatio. He did more for Tim that day than I could of. Though all my training teaches the worst thing to do is freeze up, I would have and it wouldn't have been just Tim being buried that day, it would have been me as well.
I pour my fourth glass of vodka and down in it one. The liquid cools my lips on first touch but then makes its way to the back of my throat where it burns and scratches. As soon as that glass is gone, I pour another one. No worries about the time i'm expected in work tomorrow. I've become a bit of an expert in the field of late nights combined with early mornings. I drink the fifth glass of vodka and slam the now empty glass on the coffee table in front of me.
When my sister told me she had cancer, I cried like a baby who had lost their security blanket. I couldn't understand it. She was too young and her life was just beginning. She had only just found herself and now that was broken. She just told me. She justified her decision by saying mama and dad should be enjoying life instead of fearing for hers. I remember her laughing after that. She told me they shouldn't fear for her life because they have a full time job worrying about me getting eaten by an alligator. I miss her laugh.
The day that God finally decided that her time was up, I cried even more. I lost my faith and cursed the man I had been brought up to believe in and trust my life too. Why did he deserve my trust when he took Marisol away from me. He took her away from my family. He took her from Horatio. No. He didn't take her, he stole her. At least, that's what I told myself at that time. I didn't blame the people that shot at us. I blamed God.
As the casket was laid into the ground, my thoughts consumed me. All I could think of was how in just over one year I had buried my best friend and now my sister. I couldn't help but think if I was going to burying another friend or family member in a years time. If I would be standing at a graveyard, watching as another casket met with the ground. I tried fighting and pushing back the idea that I might be watching her casket touch the floor next year. I knew I was crying for my sister but I also knew I was crying in fear of loosing Calleigh.
For a while after that, I didn't cry for a long time. Probably because all I wanted was revenge. I didn't blame God no longer. Ever since I left home, I didn't pray as much. In fact, the only time I seemed to pray was when someone I cared for was injured, having dark times or died. I prayed for God to watch over them and protect them. However, this time I prayed for God to forgive me and be with me as I headed to Rio seeking revenge for my sister.
I was shot. I fought for my life. I fought to be with the ones I love. I pulled through. I'm still here with the ones I love and I intend to stick around for as long as possible. I don't think I can take credit for pulling through. I believe that it was my families prayers and my friends constant hope that pulled me through. I know it sounds silly but i'm sure I could always hear their voices.
When I was finally allowed to go home, I was relieved. I don't like hospitals. I've had too many people die on me or put me through agony in the waiting room. It's funny. I see death almost everyday. I photograph the dead and the circumstances they were killed in. I help find pieces of the puzzle and carefully put it together in my head, hopefully concluding with the right answer but it's death that makes me dislike hospitals.
I sat on my couch, knowing that I couldn't touch a drop of alcohol because of my pain killers. I didn't want to end up back in hospital, so I decided that i'll substitute vodka for some good old Cuban coffee. It didn't take long for me to cry. If someone saw me, they'd assume I was crying because of my pain or because of what happened to me. I cried for neither of those reasons. I cried because I wanted my sister and she weren't there. I forgot my sister had died. From the moment I saw he look on Calleighs face when I asked for Marisol, I knew something was wrong but I couldn't remember what. Horatio told me that she was gone. I guess Calleigh was just trying to protect me until I got over what had just happened to me. I don't blame her. I probably would of done the same thing if our positions were reversed.
I was surprised at how little I cried. I was also surprised that I actually managed to fall asleep. I guess coffee doesn't always keep you awake.
Calleigh stuck by me through my recovery and after. I may not of remembered some things but I remembered Calleigh. I remember how much I missed working with her. For the past two years I had mainly been with Horatio or Ryan and Calleigh together. I never really had Calleigh alone. After the shooting, I started to appreciate things more. I knew Calleigh was beautiful and I had always had a soft spot for her, it was only a few years back that I thought we could mean a lot more to each other. Since the shooting, Calleigh captivated me. Feelings that I had buried had been unlocked and came back stronger than ever.
The kiss on the cheek was magical. Yes, I am using a word which mainly high school girls use to describe a perfect kiss. I wanted to move my neck so my head would move and our lips would meet instead of her lips and my cheek. When she walked away I couldn't help but watch her. She was perfect and if not perfect, the closest thing you could get. There was something about her that I had never in my life encountered in another woman.
Jake. Jake is a man who once owned Calleighs heart and was stupid enough to throw it away. I don't know much about his and Calleighs past, only that they went to the academy together where they got together. Calleighs walls go up whenever he's around and she's tense. Now that's all changed. She's no longer tense around him. The walls don't go up whenever he's around or mentioned but she's not sure who her heart belongs to.
I am now on my seventh glass of vodka and the pain has not turned to numbness. I still have tears rolling down my cheeks and more just follow.
She trusts me with her life and I trust her back. I have never hated Calleigh. I have hated people but not Calleigh. What i'm going through now is not hate but anger and a feeling of betrayal. I don't know why I feel betrayed. She's a free woman. She never said she loved me or wanted something to happen between us. All she did say was she didn't know how she felt about Jake. Their very public kiss floored me. I couldn't take my eyes away but it killed me to watch. Why him? He's arrogant and never treats Calleigh right. I try telling myself that it's because he's in homicide and not a close friend. I tell myself that there is hope, she's just not ready to risk our friendship yet. As she walked into the elevator, her beautiful green eyes met with my eyes. I couldn't read her. Was she now content? or had she instantly realised the mistake she made?
I feel my eyes getting heavy but I can't close them. My eyes burn for the crying. They continue to burn for the tears that have not yet been cried. I stare at the almost empty vodka bottle. Tonight it hadn't done it's job. I wasn't numb. I was nowhere near being numb. I was still in pain, I still felt the hurt and I was alone. Don't pity me but don't admire me. I cry alone in my dark apartment because my heart aches. I didn't win the girl but she's not a competition. She's so much more.
I get up off my sofa and dispose of the empty glass and the almost empty bottle. I balance myself on the worktop counter before making my way to the bedroom. I fell onto the bed and curled myself up. Tears still continued and I wished everything would just go away. Lying on my bed makes me think of who Jake is shearing his bed with tonight. I know it's her and I mentally whack myself for allowing me to think of it.
I close my eyes and pray. I pray for the pain that comes from wanting and needing Calleigh Duquesne will stop. I also pray that the pain never stops and that I always want and need Calleigh Duquesne.
BTW, please R + R. Please !!!!!