X-2 Squared but not Square

An evil grin grew on Xander's face, well one of the two Xanders' faces.

The splitting spell had proved impossible to end. No one knew why, just that it wouldn't and it was dismissed after a couple of days as just one of those Xander things that no one talked about, like the fact that Xander could still swim like a fish and hold his breath for just a few seconds shy of half an hour, or the fact that he and Dracula had become pen pals.

Xander was the normal one of the group and any evidence to the contrary was repressed by the Scoobs faster than the average Sunnydaler repressed anything to do with the night life.

Xander looked over at his grinning twin. “What?”

“I'm bored,” he replied, words completely at odds with his smile.

“Do I always look that insane when I do that?” Xander asked Dawn.

Dawn was trying and failing to copy Xander's evil grin. “Yep.”

Willow took one look at the grinning Xander and left; she still remembered the noodle incident and while she loved Tara dearly it was every woman for herself when Xander grinned like that.

“Why did Willow just leave?” Tara asked.

“Because she's a party pooper,” Xander replied seriously.

“I had this great idea to build a kind of chicken noodle soup … device. At first she claimed it'd never work and then once I got it working she claimed it was a bad idea, but I proved her wrong – well, kinda.”

The other Xander began to grin as well. “I remember that. I managed to serve chicken noodle soup to half the cafeteria in a third of the time the lunch ladies did, before the SWAT team arrived.”

Tara tried hard to visualize how serving lunch could be scary enough to justify calling in a SWAT team.

“What did this … device look like?”

“A shotgun,” Xander said cheerfully. “It was Halloween and I had dressed as the Terminator so I wanted it to match.”

“Did it make sounds like a real shotgun?” Tara asked, beginning to see why Willow had left.

“Of course! What fun is it to shoot chicken soup from a device that looks like a shotgun if it doesn't sound like a shotgun?” Xander asked.

Dawn nodded, thinking it made perfect sense.

Tara frowned. “Wouldn't the soup make a mess if you were shooting it? I mean I can't think of a way not to make a mess doing that.”

Xander nodded. “Yes, but progress always comes with a price and if the price of inventing the chicken soup auto delivery system is a bit of spilled soup... Well that's just the price I'm willing to pay.”

The other Xander sighed. “It’s just a shame the selector switch got caught on full auto.”

“Yeah, I blame the SWAT team. They startled me when I was adjusting the selector switch, so I didn't have to worry about it getting stuck on full auto.”

“Took out the entire SWAT team in under a minute. Fortunately there were no serious injuries,” Xander said proudly.

“So, what’s your idea this time?” Tara asked despite herself.

“Well, both Riley and Joyce are sick so I was thinking...” Xander began.

“Why don't we come up with ways to heal them? Because the whole magic can't be used to heal thing sounds like a load of crap,” Xander finished, following the other Xander's train of thought.

“It’s not that magic can't be used to heal, it’s just that light magic can't,” Tara explained. “Interfering in the natural order of things is dark by its very nature.”

Dawn frowned. “Well that sucks.”

“Sounds like somebody dropped the ball on that one, since everyone but plain Jane humans get bonuses in it,” Xander snorted.

“I'll learn Dark Magic if it'll let me heal people,” Xander spoke up.

“But those who practice Dark Magic always end up turning Dark,” Tara protested.

“So those that practice Light Magic always end up as some sort of Saint?” Xander asked curiously.

“Well no, but they do end up… less evil?” Tara tried as an answer not quite positive it was the best way to put it.

“So how about alternating light and dark spells so I can stay roughly the same?” Xander asked.

“I suppose that could work,” Tara allowed.

“Or what if one Xander cast Light Magic while the other Xander was casting Dark?” Dawn burst out.

Tara got a contemplative look on her face and everyone fell silent while waiting for her to speak.

“I think that may work, I'll have to search for everything to do with splitting and countering dark taint first though.”

“Brilliant idea Dawnie!” the two Xander's chorused, before hugging her from both sides, smothering her between them and making her vanish from sight before pulling back, revealing a red faced but glowing Dawn.

“Let’s go bug Giles. He has all the books and probably knows a lot about the subject,” Xander suggested.

“Why would you think he's studied it?” Tara asked one of the Xanders while the other gave Dawn a piggy back ride since she claimed her legs weren't working.

Xander grinned. “Let’s just say Giles was concerned for my well being at first when I was split and later concerned for his own sanity.”

“His own sanity?” Tara asked, trying not to grin as she saw where this was going.

“Yes, apparently the perfection that is I just overwhelms lesser males,” Xander said with obvious false modesty.

Tara burst out laughing despite her best efforts not to.

* * *

“I can't believe you tickled me!” Tara protested.

“It was a nudge more than anything. My humor was simply too overwhelmingly funny not to laugh,” Xander claimed.

“I have red marks on my sides that prove different,” Tara countered, pretending to be upset.

“I didn't tickle you too hard?” Xander said, worried he had gotten too rough with the normally shy blonde.

Tara quickly put her hand on his arm, calming him down.

“I was just teasing,” she answered him, still amazed at finding there were men like Xander who felt bad if they harmed someone even by accident. He was so unlike the males in her family that she felt, just like Buffy had said before, he was like one of the girls at times.

The bell above the door rang as the four entered the magic shop.

“Good afternoon and welcome … oh it’s just you,” Giles said.

“And wasn't that an enthusiastic greeting?” Xander said teasingly.

“Sorry, I'm just finding it a bit hard to run the shop all by myself since Anya left,” Giles said then winced. “Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up.”

“It’s no problem,” Xander said, waving of Giles' apology. “She just learned that ‘be careful what you wish for’ applies to her too. Apparently two Xander's was too much for her. She broke up with me, saying that being able to walk was important to her and since she wasn't going to be with me there was no reason to risk the Hellmouth. I'm a bit down, but it’s impossible to stay mopey around these two.”

The Xander with Dawn on his back opened his mouth to say something, but Giles cut him off. “You know the rule, only one Xander gets to speak around me and since one of you already has – you have to remain silent.”

At the two girl's questioning looks Giles explained, “When the two of them get going my brain hurts. I'm certain there's a more tactful way to put that but at least it’s succinct.”

Both Xanders grinned, showing a bit of perverse pride in their ability to drive English men insane.

“We just need to borrow your back room for a research party,” Xander explained.

“Oh really?” Giles perked up. “Is it something I can help with?”

“We're researching everything we can find on doppelgangers, and dark magic taint, as well as healing,” Tara explained. “The idea is that having one Xander cast light magic while the other casts dark healing spells will balance out and avoid any dark taint.”

Giles eyes lit up. “That sounds fascinating, I'd be glad to help.”

The bell over the shop door rang and he sighed, turning to greet the customer only to find a slightly smoking Spike, taking a blanket off his head.

“Spike what are you doing here?” Dawn asked.

“I came to steal some berber weed, it goes great with blood. Makes it all spicy,” Spike explained.

“We were just going to do some research, if you'd care to man the counter while we work I'll give you a bag free and a carton of smokes,” Giles offered.

“I don't know if it'll taste the same if it’s not stolen, but I'll give it a try. How do you run the counter anyway?” Spike asked, clearly bored and wanting something to do.

“Pretend the customer is someone you want to spend time around, who you are glad to see and convince them to buy things they don't need,” Xander explained.

“So basically lie and swindle?” Spike asked, brightening considerably.

“That's the hallmark of retail,” Dawn agreed.

“Excellent! This I know how to do. If there was a spot of violence and some blood involved this would be a dream job,” Spike declared.

“I'll get you a mug of blood,” Giles headed for the back room.

“No more than a minute in the microwave and remember the berber!” Spike called back. “Now if there was a bit of a brouhaha involved I'd call this a good day.”

“The average counter person lasts around a week and a half before something kills them around here,” Xander said. “So if an evil demon comes in; beat them unconscious, roll them for cash and then kill them in the back alley.”

The group left a very happy Spike manning the counter.

“How would you like to be my chair?” Dawn asked the non-speaking Xander and said, before he could reply, “Oh right, you aren't allowed to talk. Well, silence implies consent.”

Dawn pushed him into a chair and climbed into his lap. Snuggling into his lap she said, “Alright now teach me Latin on one of these suckers.”

Tara and Xander grinned at the poleaxed Xander that Dawn was bullying into teaching her to read Latin, forgetting he wasn't allowed to speak.

“And now you aren't allowed to speak,” Tara pointed out with an impish grin. “How would you like to rub my shoulders and fetch books for me? Well, silence implies consent.”

* * *

“Alas poor Droopy, I knew him well,” Spike toasted sarcastically.

“What’s wrong with Xander?” Giles asked concerned.

“Completely whipped, shame really,” Spike said insincerely. “And so young too.”

Giles rolled his eyes. “I'm sure it’s not that bad.”

“Little Bit is using him as a chair, while forcing him to teach her Latin... and Glenda has tricked him into rubbing her shoulders, as she reads.”

Giles blinked. “I'm sure he finds that much more rewarding than doing research. Its either karma or luck, I don't think he's clever enough to plan for it.”

“One girl is underage for at least another year,” Spike offered.

“And the other is a lesbian with no interest in men, who’s dating his best friend who he was involved with at one time,” Giles finished.

“Luck,” the two chorused.

“And not exactly good or bad either, just strange,” Spike decided.

“Yes, it’s rather strange luck if you ask me.”

Giles answered the phone and hung up after a few seconds. “Blasted telemarketers.”

“Mind if I make a few calls?” Spike asked, unusually polite for him.

“What kind of calls?” Giles asked suspiciously.

Spike grinned. “I was planning on harassing Angel for a bit while he's trying to sleep.”

“Of course you can,” Giles offered. “But only if I can help.”

AN: Once again all hail godogma for typing this up for me!

AN2: Sadly I never developed a plot to go with this.