THE WHIMS OF YOUR MIND

Chapters: 1
Type: drama, angst, slash
Rating: PG 13
Main characters: Kyle, Shawn
Timeline: 4x01 – The Wrath of Graham
Summary: "You don't know what you have until it's gone,"
AU Alternate Scene 4x01 – Kyle visits Shawn at the hospital and realise some things about himself (soft slash)
Disclaimer: Don't own the show; don't own the boys (sadly).
Note: I dreamt this, the night right after seeing the episode and thought I'd write it down and share it, 'cause there's really not enough Kyle/Shawn stories around here. Anyway hope you'll like it.
Title comes from the song 'Silent Lucidity'.
Written: June 20, 2007

It was late in the evening when the young man entered the hospital room. He moved in slowly and as soundlessly as he could, afraid and unsure of himself.
It had taken him an hour to get here, and the walk down the hall had seemed to have taken him an eternity.

As he stood at the foot of the bed, looking at his feet, he tried to conjure up the courage to let his gaze rest on the body that was lying there. He inhaled deeply and let his eyes raise, slowly taking in the other man's appearance. His breath itched and a lump grew in his throat.
Shawn's look startled him. His hair had grown and he wasn't as cleanly shaved as he used too. But more than anything he looked so fragile and broken. Kyle took a few more steps and sat by his cousin bed, reaching forward with his hand, but deciding against it at the last second. Afraid that if he touched him, his cousin would shatter like glass, for he damn looked fragile enough to.

"Hey Shawn," He started, his voice barely stronger than a whisper. "It's me, Kyle."

He waited for an answer that never came and wondered what to do with himself. Had it felt like that for Shawn a few years ago, when he had been the one lying on a hospital bed and his cousin came to visit? The irony of the whole role reversal was not lost on him and he let a small broken laugh escape his lips.

"Look at us," He started bitterly. "That 4400 shit really fucked up our lives alright," He sighed deeply.

"Was that also part of the big plan to save the world? I bet it wasn't," A strangled laugh escaped his lips again.

"It wasn't supposed to be like that. You and I, we-," His voice broke and he closed his eyes, not bearing the sight anymore. He shut his eyes firmly, feeling tears welling up. It wasn't supposed to be like that.

Seconds, or could it have been minutes, passed before Kyle slowly reopened his eyes. He raised his shaking hand and let it rest on the other man's upper arm, relieved to feel warmth against his palm. He's alive

"Shawn?" He called out, glad to realize that his voice had regained some of its strength. But he kept it soft and soothing as he gently let his fingers ran up and down his cousin's arm.

"I took the promicin three month ago, you know. Thinking I'd have an ability and that I could save you. Wanna know the big punch line? Nothing. Nada." Dry laughter filled the room again and Kyle's left hand stilled on his cousin's arm.

He closed his eyes again and a silent tear ran down his cheek. Images danced in front of his eyes. Older times, happier times: Shawn and him sitting on the couch fighting over the remote; the two of them hanging out by the lake, talking about everything and anything; Shawn's laughter filling the air after a dirty joke.

"Shawn," His broken voice pleaded, as he reopened his eyes. "Wake up man, please wake up,"

He raised his other hand and let it rest on the other man's forehead. Brushing some of the hair away and stroking his temple. Kyle's left hand had resumed its soothing motion on Shawn's arm and he hoped it could be enough to coax the other one into waking up. He hope those lashes would open and bright blue eyes would stare at him quizzically, allowing him to get lost in that ocean once more. And then Shawn would say something about him being such a girl and they would both laugh and Shawn's eyes would laugh as well and then Kyle would truly be in heaven.

He closed his eyes to chase the blurriness away and Shawn still hadn't moved when he reopened them. He lent in closer, letting his head rest between his cousin's neck and shoulder, nuzzling to allow more skin contact.

"You've got to wake up, I need you man," His voice was hitching and the sobs were harder to contain. Kyle tightened his grasp on the young man, holding on for dear life.

"I need you," He said sorrowfully, his lips brushing against Shawn's neck. He sniffled and tried to calm his breathing, before letting his lips press against the young man's neck. "I need you," He pleaded once more, punctuating the words with a second kiss soon followed by a third and a fourth. He smiled, amazed at how good and right this felt.

"I'm sorry," Kyle suddenly said, backing away as if he'd been burned. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't… not when you're – I shouldn't,"

He thought about leaving for a second, but decided against it. He couldn't resign himself to leaving the young man alone. As if moving of its own accord his left hand reached for Shawn's forehead again, his thumb rubbing the young man's temple.

"News-flash, huh cousin?" He said dryly after a while. "Looks like I'm gay or whatever and I didn't even know." He paused, a little surprised by his own admission "I mean I've always liked you. You're like my best friend, but I… I never realised."

"You don't know what you have until it's gone," Kyle recited sarcastically.

"I never realised how much I cared about you, and now I feel like it's too late and that sucks," He laughed again, as tears welled up in his eyes.

"God, look at me, I'm getting crazy here Shawn. I don't know what the hell anymore." He paused, rubbing a hand across his own face, as if trying to clear his thoughts. "See that's why you've got to wake up. So you can either yell at me or kiss me back."

He silently hoped that, given the choice Shawn would chose the second option, but he really wasn't that hopeful. He seemed to have run out of luck lately.

"I love you," Kyle said softly as he leant to place a kiss on his cousin's forehead, before leaving the room, with one last glance at Shawn.

Kyle folded his hands in his pockets and started walking. He didn't really know where to, and quite frankly he didn't really cared. Lost in his thoughts he put a feet in front of the other and repeated the motion again and again, what-ifs echoing in his mind.