Loneliness

Why wasn't he there? She had been so sure. But now he was nowhere in sight. She let out a breath and let her knife fall onto the table, trembling. She had ordered chocolate chips pancakes but had touched them only barely. Her appetite was completely gone.

When the door opened she looked up hopefully for another time but was disappointed again.

Enough was enough. She stood up and walked over to the counter where Murray stood washing a glass.

She fished some dollar notes from her coat and wanted to hand them over when she realised which dollar she held there in her hand.

It was the ‘one thousand dollar bill‘ HE had given her metaphorically.

Looking at it carefully for a moment she hesitated for one moment and stuffed it back into her bag, giving Murray another note.

Feigning a smile she said her goodbye to the bartender and left the diner, closing the door silently, while a lonely tear slipped down her cheek.

Shaking her head in disbelief of her childishness she dried her cheek and walked to her car.

When she started the engine of her new SUV the CD player automatically played her also new Sarah Vaughan CD she had bought two days ago.

Damn this man. Frustrated she slammed her hand against the eject botton and when the CD popped out she threw it out of the window.

Driving through the little traffic on this Sunday morning she didn't have a clue where to drive to, until she found herself on the road with this unmistakable sign which told her somehow she was mysteriously about 2 miles away from THE cabin.

Shaking her head again she considered for a moment whether she should really head up there. But she felt already miserable and this little voice in her head told her that this maybe was the right thing to do. Finally saying goodbye to this mad idea.

She drove untill she saw the tree with her scarf still slung around the stem. Then she killed the engine and opened the car door.

Pulling her coat tighter around her she made her way through the trees.

When she came to stand in front of the cabin door she hesitated.

What was she doing here? She was insane, wasn't she? Why was she putting herself through all of this when their date in the morning actually had never been binding?

Suddenly mad at herself for being so illusionary, she turned on her heals to walk back to her car, when she bumped into something or rather someone right behind her.

"I'm sorry." When she met his gaze, he saw at once how lonely and desperate she was.

"Nothing to be sorry for. Hi. I'm Walter. My wife and I are staying at the cabin right over there for the weekend." He pointed through the trees.

"I'm Catherine. Nice to meet you." The smile didn't reach her eyes.

"May I ask what a lovely lady like you is doing here in the wilderness on a Sunday? Do you have your grandchildren with you or something?"

"No. No, I'm alone." Yes, she was alone. Very alone.

"Oh, sorry. I thought, well, the former owner of this cabin was often here with his wife and their kids. It's really perfect for these little ones."

"Yes, yes it is. I'm sorry, but I have to go."

"Sure. Hope to see you again someday. Does the cabin belong to you now?"

"No. In fact I was just saying goodbye."

"Oh, so you have lived here?"

"No, I was just a guest once."

"But the cabin truely has it's own magic, hasn't it."

"Yes, yes, it has. I'm sorry, I have an appointment to meet. Goodbye."

She walked away without looking back. Yes, there was something magical about it. If only...

When tears clouded her eyes she had to steady herself at a nearby tree for a second.

Why had she come here? To torture herself? Yes, it was definitely torture.

She blamed herself for being so desperate about something so stupid. Gosh she was an adult, a doctor and yet such a fool. She should have never believed that HE would meet her this morning. Why should he anyway?

He was married and she certainly was no woman who every man was fond of.

But why did it hurt so much? Because she had opened her heart for the first time since Tom's death and was disappointed that noone wanted her heart.

The tears started to flow freely from her eyes, when she suddenly felt dizzy. Grasping for the tree, she missed it and landed in the snow, fainting.

She didn't feel it as she was lifted into the air by two stong arms, which carried her toward the second cabin.

She must have slept for at least some hours, because when she woke again it was already getting darker outside.

She tossed and turned on the unfamiliar couch and when she finally opened her sleepy eyes she was greeted by the scent of tea and croissants.

"Hey Catherine, you are OK? You gave us quite a scare. I'm Sarah, Walter's wife. Do you remember what happened?"

Confused she blinked for a moment but then it all came back. The morning at Murray's, her drive to the cabin, her dizziness. The fact, that HE hadn't shown up.

"Yes, I'm allright. Thank you. I guess I had a little too much stress lately."

"Oh, what do you do?"

"I'm a doctor at a clinic. I was..." Before she could finish her sentence, Walter popped his head inside and smiled at her.

"Hi there."

"Thank you so much. I don't know why I suddenly slipped."

"You were holding onto a tree and then you fainted. No need to thank me, I was only there and thought you needed to be picked up." He laughted at his comment, but Catherine had gotten really pale at this remark.

"Honey, what's for dinner?" Sarah interfered, sensing that something was very wrong with her.

"Well since we have tea and croissants, how about jam? You could also have peanut butter on a spoon, darling."

He laughed again. "That's my wife's specialty, you know. She's not so good in the kitchen."

"Neither am I." Catherine answered. "But I think I need some fresh air for a moment."

She stood up and sensing no dizziness claiming her, she went outside on the patio.

Looking at the beautiful sunset for a minute, she couldn't stop another tear slipping from her eyes. Hugging herself she must have stood there for some time because when she looked up again, Sarah was standing at her side, smiling friendly and handing her a tissue.

"Care to share?"

"Not really. It's a really sad story, I'm afraid."

"Maybe it will make it easier for you if you share it with somebody."

"Yes maybe...It's about a man."

"Isn't it always about a man?" Sarah put her hand lightly on Catherine's shoulder.

"Well actually, for me it has always been one man, my husband Tom. When he died last year I was so depressed and put all my energy into work. I didn't meet most of my friends anymore, because everytime when I was with them, the tension in the air was unbearable, since nobody wanted to say something wrong. So I went to work everyday from morning to late night and when I came home I fell into bed exhausted. But last week I met..." She swallowed hard, unable to continue.

"You met Mr. Right." Sarah finished the sentence. "Only that Mr. Right doesn't see you as Mrs. Right?"

"He's married."

"Of course."

"It was a chance meeting. His wife is in the hospice. She doesn't recognize him anymore. And I ... when I met him he looked so totally tired and I convinced him to take a break for some hours. We drove and then everything happened so fast and unforeseeable. We got stuck and found shelter in the cabin next to yours. We bickered most of the time and yet..."

"You fell in love."

"Yes. I did. We agreed to meet this morning for breakfast. It was a loosly date, but I had myself convinced that he...well never mind."

"He didn't show up."

"Yes."

"And then you drove to the cabin."

"I wanted to say goodbye."

"Did it occur to you, that maybe something happened? Maybe he wanted to be there but simply couldn't."

"He didn't call."

"Why should he? Maybe he thought you wouldn't show up anyways."

"Why should he think this?"

"I don't know. But maybe he was simply affraid of the consequences."

"I see."

"Why don't you just call him and ask?"

"No, we promised if anyone wouldn't show up, the other would understand and keep his distance. But it's not easy to understand. I hoped and I was stood up."

"Then you can only forget him."

"Yes, I have to forget him." I have to forget him. I HAVE to.

After dinner, Catherine said goodbye to Sarah and Walter escorted her to her car. Of course he was worried but she insisted that she had to drive home. Before she left, she untied her scarf from the tree and stuffed it into her pocket.

Then she started the engine and drove home, never looking back.

When she got home, she fell into bed, terribly tired.

Tossing and turning, she murmered again and again in her sleep. "I have to."

When she woke the next morning, she felt very sick and didn't want to get up at all, but when her beeper gave noises from it, she decided that she had to, eventually.

She had no clue how she made it through the day, but when she got home in the evening, she had been at the hospital for about 12 houres.

As soon as she was alone in her house again, the sickness came back and with it all the thoughts about HIM. Crying she searched for some tissue but couldn't find any in her bedroom, but remembered she had some left in her coat pockets.

Grabbing into it, she pulled everything out that was in there. Among her scarf and some tissues, which she used immediately, something else slipped to the carpet: It was THE dollar note.

Unsure for a moment she turned it in her hand upside down, blinked her swelling tears away and took it to her bed cover. Then she went to the secretaire, pulled out the top drawer and removed a little wodden box from it. Sitting down on the edge of her bed, she set it on the blanket beside her and opened it.

In it were lots of letters, all from Tom and some other little reminders of her happy past. She straightened the bill out between her hands and put in ontop of everything else, shut the box again and took it back to its place.

Just another memory I'll have to forget with time.

Picking up the scarf she decided to bring it to the dry cleaner's the next day, considering that it had been outside for some time. Remarkable, it still had the scent on it. She shook her head and put it ontop of the stack of laundry.

By tommorrow evening the scent would be gone and she hoped also the thoughts about a certain man would vanish.

The next morning her first way lead to the dry cleaner. She parked her SUV in front of the building, got out, took the stack of clothes out of the backseat and gave the door a slight push with her hip. She walked round the car and wanted to go inside the shop, when somebody bumped into her and she lost her balance, all her clothes crushing to the floor, she, thanks to God, was able to regain her foothold.

Starting to pick up her things, she started railing against walking without watching, but when she looked up, she saw who had bumped into her. With tear-streamed face, a little boy stood in front of her.

"Michael? What are you doing her?" Looking around - "Alone."

"I... Oh, Dr. Howard, my mom and my daddy started to scream at each other at home, because daddy has a girlfriend and it was so loud and scary and so I sneaked out to walk to my grandpa."

"But it's an one-hour-walk and you have no jacket on. It's too cold for you. Come, I'll drive you."

Putting him the scarf from her laundry on, she pulled him towards her car.

"How are things at home - apart from your parents fighting. You must be excited, your little brother or sister has to be due in several weeks."

"Yes, I'm so looking forward to the baby. Then I have somebody I can play with."

While chatting, Catherine had driven to Robert's house and just as she pulled into the street, she asked Michael like incidental: "And how's your grandpa anyway?"

"Oh, he will live with us for some time, now that..." But he was interrupted, when Catherine had to do an all-out braking since a little cat strained onto the road.

The cat just mewled and crossed the street. Two houses from Robert's home, Catherine pulled the car over to the sidewalk and said goodbye to Michael. No, she didn't want to come in and talk a bit with his grandpa, and no, she was afraid, she had also to decline next morning breakfast with the two at Murray's. Disappointed Michael walked up to Robert's front door and rang.

What a pity, he thought, she would be a very nice wife for grandpa, now that he is all alone.

Just as the door opened, Catherine drove round the corner.

"Michael. What are you doing here, boy?"

"Mom and daddy got arguing and I ran into the Doctor-Lady and she drove me here. But she didn't want to come in. Although she asked for you."

"So, did she?" This surprised Robert. Then why hadn't she called yesterday when the obituary for MaryBeth had been published?

Shaking his head, he pulled Michael inside and took off the scarf. Placing it on the corner of the table, a special fragrant reached his nose.

"Michael, this isn't your scarf, is it?"

"No, grandpa, it's from Dr. Howard. I had no jacket on and she put this on me. She's a very nice lady, don't you think?"

"Well, yes yes, a very nice lady, indeed." Smiling, he stroke it before turning around and asking in a quite bitterer tone: "Why were your parents fighting anyway? Was it about me and that a will live a little bit with you?"

"Mommy said to daddy that she hates him for what he did to her. He cheated on her."

"He what??"

Forgotten was the scarf that lay on the table, as Robert shovered Michael outside to his car, neither one of them putting a jacket on.

This man cheated on his pregnant wife?! Robert would teach him a lesson.

When Catherine got home after a 14-hour-shift, she felt like dead. She had had 4 surgeries, from which one had been sadly unsuccessful. The other three babies were stable.

Walking through her empty house she wondered like often in her life how it would have been to have children of her own. Sadness hit her hard and she sat down, nearly crying.

Then she remembered Robert's statement from Thanksgiving about saving one special child instead of having one of her own and thought of the three little ones in the pedriatic ward, which she had saved today. Immediately her tears stopped and she smiled a little. Thank you, Robert, she thought.

In her head his image popped up and she frowned.

Why am I thinking about him still? She ranted with herself, just as the telephone rang.

Looking at her watch, it was half past 2 in the morning. Who would call so late?

Taking the phone, she said hello, but no-one answered on the other end. Just as she wanted to hang up, she heard Michael's shaky voice. "Dr. Howard? Please you have to come. My grandpa is hurt badly. Please." Without a second thought, she said "Of course.", then hung up and ran to her car.

When she knocked on the door, Michael was the one who answered and let her in.

He led her to the master bedroom and lying there was Robert with a big shiner, his face full of bruises, his arm bloody and apperenty broken.

She heard a loud female voice from downstairs and decided that it had to be Michael's mother, arguing on the phone.

Sitting down next to Robert on the edge of his bed, she examined him further, never looking him in the eyes.

After bandaging his arm and giving him a shot against the pain, she asked "What happened?"

"I got in a little fight, I would say." he answered.

"He bandied with daddy, because he cheated on my mom." Michael cheekily helped out.

"What?"

"I came over after you sat Michael down at my house. He told me... Well, we ranted and fought. I seem to have lost. But my son-in-law has quite a shiner as well. After all he betrayed his pregnant wife, who happens to be my daughter."

"Rest a bit, I will talk with your daughter downstairs. But you have to go to the hospital next thing in the morning, your arm is broken."

"Yeah, sure."

She turned to leave, but then she heard her name.

"Catherine?" She turned back and their eyes locked for the first time since Thanksgiving.

Sadness, disappointment, attraction, regret and sparks passed wordlessly between them, before Catherine broke their lock and walked out, without turning back.

All she heard was a whispered "Thank you."

After speaking with Lori and telling her that her father had to be brought into hospital the next day, she left the house.

It was about 5 a.m. when she got home and realised that in two hours her night would be ended again. She decided that there was no point in going back to bed, so she sat down on her sofa and started reading. But soon she found her mind drifting from the book towards HIM.

Angry at herself she threw the book on the cushions and stood up, pacing her living room.

Opening her veranda door, she looked at the sun that slowly rose outside and leaned against the doorframe, daydreaming. Hugging herself, she subliminally felt the cold from outside creeping into her bones, but she didn't bother to put on a coat.

She came back to reality when her alarm clock starteled her by calling out quarter past 7.

Realising that she had stood there over an hour in the cold, she shook her head at her silliness and got ready for work.

But some hours later she felt not very well anymore. She had a headache and her throat felt sore.

Starting to cough, she grasped that her standing on the veranda this morning hadn't been such a great idea.

Her headache was worsening from minute to minute and her nose was totaly blocked now.

Then a nurse looked at her and told her that she was really flushed. Now she was convinced and called it a day.

On her way to the parking lot, she staggered on the stairs, but was able to steady herself before falling down.

Making it to her car, she dropped herself on the driver's seat and started the engine after massaging her temples for a minute.

Leaving the car lot, she flashed and pulled round the right corner. Unfortunately she had seen the biker too late, because she slammed on her brake at the last moment.

The biker made it unscathed over the cross-road, but Catherine had forgotten to fasten her seatbelt and hit her head on the she sagged back in her seat.

When Catherine opened her eyes, she didn't know where she was at first. She blinked a few times, seeing everything foggy for a moment, and wanted to raise her head, but couldn't because every move hurt so badly. She stared at the white ceiling and then remembered.

Her dizziness. The biker. Everything going black. She must have had an accident in her car.

In the next moment her doibts about her whereabouts vanished, when William came in and looked down at her with concern shown on his face.

"Catherine, thank God, you are finally awake. You quite scared us. You were sleeping 3 days after your OP. How do you feel?"

"My head hurts."

"Well, that's understandable. We had to sew you. You should have fastened your seatbelt. Really. What were you thinking? A high decorated doctor like you and she is driving without seatbelt. Oh, by the way, we gave you something aganst your cold. Could have turned into pneumonia otherwise. You were out without a coat, I suppose?"

"Yes, I'm afraid."

"Well, nice that you are with us again. Stay lying for some days. We will keep you in for at least two weeks."

"If I must."

"And you will get a little company in your room. Some guy in your age, no offense of course, he came in two days ago with a broken arm. We had to operate and cast. He is in a really bad mood because he wasn't allowed to go home yesterday. But maybe you can cheer him up and play with your charm."

Twinkling he left and Catherine closed her eyes again and fell asleep immediately.

After some hours she woke when she heard voices in her room.

Turning her head she saw two women and a little kid gathered around the other bed, which was now obviously occupied.

"Hello." she said in a shaky voice.

Turning around the two women smiled politely at her, while the little boy exclaimed excitedly:"Dr. Howard! Mom, look, that's the doctor-lady!"

Starteled Catherine replied: "Hello, Michael.", before she realized the unevitable and a little louder she said: "Hello, Robert. How are you?"

“Catherine, what are you doing here? Did you have an accident?"

She told him everything about her cold, her headache and the biker and that she slammed against the screen, but not that she had been outside, daydreaming about him.

"Didn't I tell you that when you are going outside in winter, you have to put on a coat AND close the bottons? Women, terrible."

After Lori, Jaclyn and Michael had gone, the two of them had talked.

Not about the things that really concerned them - why HE hadn't been there on Sunday and why SHE hadn't called him when she heard about MaryBeth, but they had a comfortable, private talk and both of them enjoyed it, not knowing that the other thought the same.

Catherine's head still hurt badly and the painkiller didn't do its job properly, but she didn't mind, since HE was there with her.

And his bad mood, considering that he had to stay in hospital instead of going home after the OP, was gone, too, because SHE was here and he had the opportunity to watch her hours over hours, since she was sleeping a lot.

A few days later Catherine was able to sit up without everything aching unbearably.

Michael had visited them both every day and it was fun, having this little boy there, talking and joking with both, almost as if she was his grandmother...

Stop it, Catherine!, she thought sadly.

Michael also made them a present: a scrabble board.

So Robert, who was allowed to walk around, would sit next to her bed and they would play for hours. Of course, she would cheat, but he said nothing. It was so magical, having her so near, seeing her all the time.

But sooner or later, it had to end. Robert was allowed to go home.

Before parting, he promised to visit her the next days, until she was released.

Having packed all his things, he said goodbye, bending down and pressing a light kiss on her cheek, whispering: "See you tommorow, Catherine."

And indeed he visited her every day. When Catherine was allowed to go outside for a bit, Robert would wheel her around, because she was still too weak to walk.

One sunny afternoon they were in the garden and watched the birds, when he asked her out of the blue: "You weren't at Murray's on that Sunday after Thanksgiving, were you?"

Not sure what to tell him and because she didn't want to make a fool of herself, she lied.

"No, I really couldn't make it." Then there was an awkward silence for a moment.

When she looked up and considered telling him the truth, he was gone.

She looked around in panic but couldn't see him anywhere.

Well maybe it was for the best. It had only been a dream come true for some days.

Eventually they had to part again, of course, they were simply too different.

William was very pleased with the headway her recovery was making and after two and a half weeks she was allowed to go home, feeling quite good actually.

It was 3 days until Christmas.

She would come back to work after the Christmas holidays, feeling that work would distract her from her thoughts about HIM and the nagging question why he had walked out on her, since he hadn't been there, too.

She would visit William and his wife on Christmas Eve, as she had done last year, after Tom's death. Earlier she had called Walter and Sarah to wish them a happy holiday. When she was getting dressed for the party, her phone rang and she was informed that there was a pregnant woman in the hospital ready to give birth, whose father was near a collapse, asking specifically for her to head the child's delivery.

Rushing to the clinic she found Robert in the waiting room, who begged her to do everything in her power for his grandchild.

After calming him down, she hurried into the emergency operating room.

3 hours later she came out again, giving Robert the wonderful message that his daughter and granddaughter were both doing well.

Relieved he hugged her, kissing her on the cheek, and whispered: "Thank you so much, Catherine."

For a moment they looked each other in the eyes and they brought their heads nearer and nearer together. Both were aware of the power between them, when Catherine suddenly jerked back.

"Why did you walk out on me at the hospital? Have YOU been at Muray's?"

"Yes."

A lie. A terrible lie, she thought.

"No you weren't, Robert. I sat there for two long dreadful houres and you didn't show up."

With this she turned and ran out the door.

Stunned, he watched her leaving. She had been there? But why hadn't she told him that?

Rushing after her, he could only see the elevator door closing behind her.

Sensing that he had to act, before it was too late, he raced down the stairs, making it to her car, just when she drove off.

"Damn you, woman!" he screamed after her. "I love you!"

Haven't heard what he had screamed, she drove home.

Robert as well made it home this evening and when he hung up his coat, he saw THE scarf lying on the floor near the wardrobe.

Picking it up, he folded it neatly and put it onto the table.

Then he fetched the jewellery box with the repaired necklace he had found near the cabin.

After putting both things into his pocket, he walked upstairs and went to bed, but couldn't find sleep at all.

Opposide town Catherine wasn't able to sleep, either. She had visited William late at night and excused herself for not showing up at their party, but was forgiven, when she told about the difficult birth.

Tossing and turning she now lay in bed, thinking about why HE had claimed that he had been at Murray's. Not finding any sleep at all, she rose and decided to drive back to the hospital and check on Lori.

When she got to the hospital, she saw Michael sitting in one of the visitor chairs, apparently asleep. Bringing a blanket, she covered him, smiling to herself. What a wonderful boy.

Going into Lori's room, she saw Jeff sitting at her side, asleep.

Smiling sympathically, she thought: Well, it looks as if they reconsiled, happy ones.

Checking Lori's monitors, she found everything okay.

Leaving the room, she decided to sit down on some chair next to Michael.

When she woke again, she felt, that somebody has put a coat on her as well.

Looking up, her gaze met Robert's, who was sitting opposide her, smiling.

"Good morning. I hope you slept well. Merry Christmas."

Sleepily she got up, answering with a "Yes, I'm alright. Merry Christmas as well." before hastening out of the visitor area as soon as possible and digging in her office.

One hour later, somebody knocked on her door. Unsure whether to answer it or not, she decided to be brave. But she was very relieved when it was Michael, who came in.

"Hello, Michael, nice to see you. What can I do for you?"

"I wanted to thank you for bringing me a little sister for Christmas, Dr. Howard."

"You're welcome." She had risen and hugged him. "How is her name going to be?"

Shocked, she heard from the boy: "MaryBeth after my dead grandmother."

"Dead?" her voice was shaky.

"Yes, she died on Sunday after Thanksgiving. You didn't know?"

"No."

"That's why you didn't call grandpa. He was really upset that you wouldn't call. He thought he didn't matter to you."

"But I had no idea..." Suddenly everything sank in. Sunday after... She swallowed hard.

"Michael, excuse me, I have to find your grandpa. Do you know, where he is?"

"He's right here." she heard a familiar voice fromt he doorframe. "Michael, would you let me talk to the Doctor-Lady privately for a few minutes?"

"Sure."

"You didn't know?"

"No, how would I? You could have told me, though."

"I supposed you knew and you didn't care.“

"Robert, if I had known I would have... I'm so sorry."

"You see, I was there at Murray's that morning, but then I got that call from the hospice."

"It seemed so impossible. I didn't believe you. I'm sorry." She turned around, but he caught her and forced her to look at him.

"Catherine, we were both such fools. We weren' t ready. But I hope now we are. Come with me?" He pointed ouside.

She simply nodded.

When they got to THEIR cabin, he started a fire and then pulled her close.

"Merry Christmas, Millie." he told her.

"Merry Christmas, Howard." she answered, then he brought their lips together, kissing her passionately.

After having felt so lonely for such a long time, both finally had found their happiness...

...in each other.

Fin.