BEST GAME EVER!!! Now that I’ve got that over with, yes, I’m making a Super Paper Mario fic. No, I haven’t beaten Super Paper Mario yet. I’m a bad person. So any way you can help with anything in the duration of chapter 8 would be greatly appreciated.

Disclaimer: Characters and plot belong to Nintendo, humanized versions of characters belong to Jess aka SoSoSuckMyToe

Note: While I usually spell out characters’ accents in my fics, such as Homestar Runner’s speech impediment, I’m not typing out Mario and Luigi’s Italian accents. That would mean adding “-a” to the end of a ton of words and frankly, I don’t feel like wasting my time. Plus, Nintendo didn’t write out Luigi’s accent in the Paper Mario series.

‘Nother note: The characters in this version of Super Paper Mario will all be humans. Because I’m weird like that. Mwa ha ha.

------------------

Prologue: A Hero Torn from His World

It was just another peaceful day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Everyone was going about their daily business and not worrying about a thing. Bowser, the Koopa King, hadn’t tried to kidnap Princess Peach for quite some time, so there was really nothing much to worry about anyway. Since there hadn’t been any princess-nappings in a while, the heroes of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario and Luigi, had some pleasant leisure time.

At the Mario Bros’ humble abode, Mario and Luigi had just finished breakfast. Luigi yawned a mighty yawn. “Man,” he said. “It sure is peaceful, huh, bro?”

“Mm-hmm,” muttered Mario, who was still a little sleepy.

“Maybe a little too peaceful,” Luigi continued. “I kind of wish something exciting would happen, you know?”

“Like Peach getting kidnapped, maybe?” Mario asked jokingly.

“Mario, don’t say that! It’ll happen if you ask for it!”

“Mama mia, I’m just kidding, Weegi!” Mario laughed. “So, what kind of excitement did you have in mind?”

Luigi shrugged. “I didn’t really think about the actual event, I just wanted something to happen.” He thought about it, then said,” Hey, how about we go see the Princess?”

“Sure thing!” Mario exclaimed. “Maybe something exciting’ll happen at Mushroom Castle, and we can have some of Peach’s yummy cake while we’re at it.” So they headed for Princess Peach’s castle. However, they didn’t get very far before a Toad, aptly named Toad, ran up to them in a panic. “It’s horrible!” he screamed. “Just plain awful!”

“What’s the matter, Toad?” Mario asked the distraught Mushroom person. “Toadsworth tell one of his grody old man jokes again?”

“W-worse than that!” Toad shrieked. “Mushroom Castle... RAIDED! Princess Peach... KIDNAPPED!” He burst into tears.

Mario stood there with his mouth open, while Luigi glared at him. “I told you,” Luigi said sternly. “I told you! I TOLD YOU! See what happens when you mention princess-nappings?!! IT HAPPENS!”

“Relax, Weegi, we’ll get her back,” Mario said. “We just gotta go to Bowser’s castle, kick his butt and rescue Peach. No big deal.”

“Eh, you’re right, let’s go.”

How very wrong they were.

Bowser’s castle was a formidable fortress made entirely of brimstone, which, given that the castle was on a rock platform above an active volcano, was a given. Of course, that made it smell bad, but the few mages that served Bowser were able to keep the smell away with perfume spells. Bowser himself was just as formidable as his castle. He was a tall, muscular man with brilliant red hair and blond bangs styled at an angle to look like horns. He wore spiked bracelets for no reason other than to strike fear into people. All in all, he was quite intimidating. Not to mention he had hordes of followers behind him.

That particular day, Bowser was about to initiate his plan to kidnap Princess Peach... again. This time, he had carefully analyzed every step and mini-step of his plan to make sure there was no way he could fail. Of course, by “analyze”, I mean he had Kamek look through it and thoroughly dissed every suggestion the wizard made. Anyway, Bowser’s forces were just about to head out as Bowser gave them the usual “we’re gonna get the Princess” speech.

“Alright, minions, listen up!” Bowser shouted. “Today’s the day we finally win! We’ll storm Peach’s castle and kidnap her. Then we’ll take over the world!”

All the minions cheered. “Bowser, Bowser, woo!” ”We will rule!” “Hail Bowser!” ”We’re under attack!”

“Ha ha, ‘we’re under attack’, you jokers are so funny,” Bowser chuckled to himself. Then he noticed two minions who looked like they didn’t belong. They had mustaches. “Hey, who are those two hairy guys in the back?!!” he shouted. “We shave around here, minions!” He stomped his way to the mustache men, the crowd of minions parting to make room for their king. The identity of the mustache men was soon revealed: Mario and Luigi.

“WHAT?!! Mario and Luigi?!! How the crap did you guys get in here?!!” Bowser shouted in rage.

“Not to make you seem more stupid than you already are,” Mario said. “You left the front gate wide open.”

Bowser was furious at this. “AUGH, those IDIOTS!!!” he shouted. He stomped the floor so hard, it might have split open had it not had reinforced steel beams to keep such an incident from occurring. “HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD THEM?!! IF YOU’RE THE LAST ONE IN, LOCK THE GATE!!! IT’S FREAKIN’ COMMON SENSE!”

“Quiet, Bowser!” said Luigi. “We know you have Princess Peach! Now where’d you put her?”

Bowser stared at the Mario Bros, confused. “But, we don’t have her, at least not yet. We were only just about to initiate our atta—”

“MARIO! LUIGI! HELP!”

Everyone heard a pure, feminine voice calling out to the Mario Bros, but they couldn’t see the person the voice belonged to. Suddenly, Princess Peach appeared before them, trapped in some sort of rainbow-colored cage floating in midair. Her floating prison moved over and someone else appeared where it had been. It was a man, a tall man wearing a top hat and a billowing sunset-colored cape and holding a diamond-tipped staff. The man had dark blue hair that matched his left eye, but his right eye glowed a brilliant red. The man spoke. “Your princess has been taken... by Count Bleck!”

“Whaddaya think you’re —” Bowser shouted at him, but stopped. “Wait, by who?”

The man bowed, as if this were some high-class dinner event. “By me,” he said. “Count Bleck! The executor of the Dark Prognosticus... is Count Bleck! The fine fellow prophesied to come to this dimension... is also Count Bleck!”

Bowser scoffed at him. “I’ll tell you who doesn’t make any sense... Count Bleck.” His minions would have laughed if this weren’t such a serious situation.

Mario decided that it was time to take some action, so he jumped up to attack, as he usually did. But as he landed, his boots didn’t connect with squishy top hat. They met something that felt like a combination of a wicker basket and an iron gate. He bounced off it, not harming Count Bleck at all.

“Mario, he’s got a barrier!” Luigi shouted to his brother.

“Yeah,” Mario said. “I kinda got that part.”

“You call that an attack?” Count Bleck scoffed. “Count Bleck will show you how this sort of thing is done.” He swung his staff in Mario’s direction. At first, nothing happened. Then a purple cloud appeared around Mario, draining him of energy and knocking him out.

“Big bro!” Luigi cried.

The count stared at Mario. “This man deserves ridicule. Weaklings cannot face Count Bleck.”

By now, Bowser was getting pretty angry. No one was allowed to pummel Mario but himself. So he decided to do something about Count Bleck. “Hey, here’s an idea,” he said threateningly. “You let the princess go and get the heck out of here... or ELSE!” His many minions closed in on Count Bleck to prove Bowser’s point.

“Your princess shall not be returned... by Count Bleck,” Count Bleck said calmly. “She is key to fulfilling the prophecy that will destroy all worlds.”

“Destroy... all worlds?!!”

“Yes, all worlds,” the count continued, as if it wasn’t any more important than a fly on someone’s nose. “In fact, Bowser, fierce king of the Koopas... Count Bleck takes you too!” He threw his staff into the air and it levitated, spinning madly. As it spun, a purple cloud formed in the hallway, just like the one that knocked Mario on his back. The cloud quickly swallowed Bowser, Luigi, Peach and all of Bowser’s minions with no trouble at all. Afterwards, Count Bleck disappeared, leaving Mario alone in the castle.

“Oh... ooohh... where am I?”

“Bleh heh heh heh! Glad to see you’re finally awake, Princess!”

Princess Peach slowly opened her eyes. She was unmistakably at a wedding. She was the bride... and Bowser was the groom! Just what the crap was going on?

At that moment, Nastasia, a woman with cat eye glasses and magenta-colored hair wrapped neatly in a bun appeared in the room. “Yeah, Count Bleck, all preparations are complete now,” she said to Count Bleck, who was hovering above a white altar between Peach and Bowser.

“Excellent,” the count said. “Then it shall be begun... by Count Bleck!” Wedding bells chimed as Count Bleck began. “Bowser, fearsome and ferocious King of the Koopas, will you take Peach to be your lawfully wedded wife ‘til your games be over?”

“Uh, let me think,” Bowser said. “HECK YEAH!”

Count Bleck then turned to Peach. “Princess Peach,” he continued. “Fair and noble princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, will you take Bowser to be your lawfully wedded husband ‘til your games be over?”

“Now, wait a minute!” Peach shouted. “Just what exactly is going on here?!!”

“Why, isn’t it obvious?” Count Bleck exclaimed. “This is your wedding day, Princess!”

“Oh,” she said. “But why am I marrying Bowser?”

Bowser chuckled. “Hey, no gripes on this side of the altar, man!” he said proudly. “I don’t get the details, but the count here went through a lot of trouble putting this together. Just relax, Princess. We’ll get married, we’ll be in love, it’ll be AWESOME!”

“No!” Peach yelled in disgust. “And just who picked out this awful dress?!! I wouldn’t be caught dead on the streets of Rogueport in this thing!” Suddenly, she felt as if her mind was being squeezed. She dropped to her knees, overwhelmed by the energy clutching her. Nastasia was doing some kind of mind control on the princess.

“Sorry, but being rude to the esteemed count is kinda frowned on around here.” Nastasia said. “Just be cooperative and say ‘I do’, ‘k?”

“Uhh... nuh... no...” These words shocked Bowser. How could she not want to marry him? He’s BOWSER, for cryin’ out loud!

“My, you’re a fighter, huh?” Nastasia said. “Sorry, but no one withstands my super hypnosis. ‘I do.’ Say it now, ‘k?” She tightened her mental grip on the Princess.

“Oh... oooooohhhhh... aah...

...I...I...do...”

That was the trigger. As soon as Peach said “I do”, strange dark energy seeped out of the altar between her and Bowser. Slowly, a black heart pulsating with evil energy pushed its way through the altar.

Meanwhile, in amongst the group of Bowser’s minions who were watching the precession, Luigi came out of being knocked out cold. “What’s going on here?” he asked. “Hey, why is Peach in a bridal gown???” He noticed the Chaos Heart. Okay, Luigi, he thought. Now’s your chance to prove yourself! He jumped up the steps leading to the altar.

“HALT!” he shouted at Count Bleck and Nastasia.

“And just who are you? ...asked Count Bleck.”

“Oh no, I don’t give my name to scoundrels!” Luigi shouted. “Now Luigi will punish you for your badness! Here I go!”

Nastasia was freaking out. “Yeah, I’m gonna need you to stop this, ‘k? If you interrupt this now—” But it was too late. Luigi jumped up, bounced off of Bowser’s head, off the Chaos Heart and landed at Peach’s side.

“Here’s where Luigi rescues the princess!” he exclaimed. “Wait... what’s going on?!!” The Chaos Heart had started going crazy and the whole room was shaking. A blinding light shone from the Heart’s center, then... everyone and everything disappeared. Count Bleck and Nastasia had managed to avoid the damage the Heart caused.

“Yeah, so, you’re alright, Count?” Nastasia asked.

“Yes,” he said. “I’m perfectly fine. And the Chaos Heart has been unleashed, just as the Dark Prognosticus predicted! Excellent! ...exclaimed Count Bleck.”

“Yeah, ‘k, so this means you can turn another page of dark prophecies...”

Count Bleck spread his arms wide and took control of the Chaos Heart. “Open your mouth, darkness!” he commanded. “Consume all worlds as told in the Dark Prognosticus! Bleh heh heh heh! BLEH HEH HEH HEH! BLECK!”

“...ario...Mario...”

Mario woke up to see that everyone had disappeared. The only one left in Bowser’s castle besides himself was a strange fairy thing floating in front of him. It had white eyes, white hair and rainbow wings with a dress to match. “Are you awake?” the fairy said. Judging by its voice, it was clearly female.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Mario groaned. “What—I mean, who are you, anyway?”

“Sorry,” the fairy said. “My name is Tippi. I am what is known as a Pixl, a sort of fairy. Mario, I came to find you...”

Mario stared at Tippi. “What do you mean you came to find me? Wait a minute... you’re with that guy who kidnapped Princess Peach, aren’t you?”

“I am no enemy,” Tippi said sincerely. “You met Count Bleck and he captured a princess and an evil king, right?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what happened!” Mario exclaimed. “How do you know these things?”

Tippi didn’t seem to hear that last bit. “Then that means that Count Bleck is even now beginning to form the Void... We haven’t much time. You must come with me. Yes, if your friends are to be saved, you must come.” Her wings glowed as Mario felt some sort of benevolent energy start to swallow up his feet. “Let us go...” And with that, she teleported them both to another world.

At the top of a beautiful white tower, an elderly man with a mustache down to his feet and a brilliant blue robe was waiting for someone. He didn’t have to wait long, though, for at that moment, a white glowing object about the size of an average man appeared before him. When the light subsided, the elderly man saw Tippi and Mario. “Oh ho!” the man exclaimed. “Well, well, well... Back so soon, Tippi?” He gazed at Mario with a look that clearly said he was impressed. “And what is this? Red shirt, blue overalls and a magnificent ‘stache! Incredible! Tippi, you’ve truly outdone yourself.”

Tippi nodded. “He matches the description of the hero in the Light Prognosticus perfectly. His name is Mario...”

Mario stared at the older man and exclaimed, “I know you! You’re Dumbledore! I thought Snape killed you! I can’t believe you’re still alive! Can you tell me some things about the new Harry Potter book coming out?”

The man chuckled. “I welcome you, Mario. This is the town of Flipside. You have come far from the Mushroom Kingdom of your dimension. Of course, our fair Flipside is in no dimension at all, but rather between dimensions! I am called Merlon. I am a descendant of the Tribe of the Ancients that built this town. I study ancient texts to forestall the end of all worlds.”

“So... no Dumbledore?”

“No, no Dumbledore. Though some people say I bear a certain likeness to his more recent movie actor.”

“Oh,” Mario said. “So what’s this about the end of all worlds?”

Merlon looked shocked. “You mean Tippi hasn’t told you yet?”

“No, she hasn’t.”

“Well then, Mario,” Merlon replied. “The answer hangs above you.”

They all looked up. There was a gathering cloud of darkness in the sky. “Do you see the gathering cloud of darkness in the sky?” asked Merlon.

“Yes,” replied Mario. He would have added something like, What am I, blind? Of course I see it! It’s kinda hard to miss. But since Mario was a polite man, he kept those comments to himself.

“It is a hole in the very dimensional fabric of space! Such a phenomenon,” Merlon continued. “Is it near or far? No one knows. It may appear small, but it will only grow as time goes on. It is the Void. In the end, it will swallow all existence, all dimensions, all worlds... This void was created by our enemy, Count Bleck, who wields the Dark Prognosticus.”

“A fair and beautiful princess... A furious monster king...” Tippi said, as if reciting from a play script.“The union of these two will call forth the Chaos Heart, the consumer of worlds, and the Chaos Heart will ravage in the sky, and so bring forth the Void.”

“Oh my.” Mario was at a loss for words.

“Yes,” said Merlon. “The passage Tippi just quoted is from the Light Prognosticus of my ancestors. The book also says this: The Void will swallow all... Naught can stop it... unless the one protected by darkness is destroyed. The hero with the power of the eight Pure Hearts will rise to the task... So it is written.” Merlon held up a glowing red heart that was pulsating with positive energy. “This is one of the eight Pure Hearts,” he said with pride. “You are surely the hero spoken of in the Light Prognosticus. You are the only one who can stop Count Bleck and save all worlds! Mario! Take this and save all worlds from destruction!”

“Sure thing, Merlon!” Mario replied. “I can’t just let all the worlds be destroyed when I know there’s something I can do about it!”

“Excellent!” Merlon exclaimed. “You are truly the hero spoken of in the Light Prognosticus! My eyes never deceive! So, Mario, our brave hero...” he cleared his throat. “Take this!” He thrust the Pure Heart into Mario’s arms. “Now, great hero Mario, your first task awaits. You must take this Pure Heart and place it in the Heart Pillar in this town. Tippi will lead you there. Return to me when your task is done.”

“This way, Mario...” Tippi led him to an elevator at the far left of the tower’s roof. He followed her and entered the elevator, which lead to the main floor of Flipside, where there was a shop and a fortune-telling house. Tippi beckoned him to another elevator and he followed. The second elevator led them to an upper level.

“The Heart Pillar is this way...” Tippi told Mario. But he didn’t need to be told where it was. He could see it with his own eyes. It was a tall, white pillar that was a little red at the bottom. It also had a heart-shape indention that matched the Pure Heart he had in his possession. He got close to the pillar and placed the Pure Heart in the indention. As soon as it was placed, immense waves of energy blew off of it, so immense that it almost knocked Mario on his overall-covered backside.

As soon as it had started, the energy coming off the pillar subsided. “Well done...” Tippi praised him.

“Thank you, Tippi.” Mario replied.

“Now let’s return to Merlon...” she said. And so they did.

The moment they returned to the top of the Flipside Tower, they noticed something that wasn’t there before: a bright red door. “Ah,” Merlon greeted them. “The two of you return!”

“Yeah,” Mario replied. “We’re back.” He smiled a pleasant smile.

“Anyway, this dimensional door that just appeared...” he motioned toward the red door. “This will lead you to the next Pure Heart.” He turned to Tippi. “Tippi, you must use your power to help Mario find the Pure Heart and return here.”

“Of course...”

”And Mario,” he turned back to Mario. “I have something to give you which will aid in your travels.” He handed Mario something that looked like a clay sculpture of a Warp Pipe.

“Uh, thank you,” Mario said. “But why are you giving me a pipe?”

Merlon chuckled. “With this pipe, you can return to Flipside from anywhere in the universe! Use it when you feel you must return in a hurry.” As Mario put the pipe in his pocket, Merlon continued. “The Light Prognosticus details that the hero will meet a ‘dimensional governor’, and from him, the hero will learn a dimensional technique. I am almost certain that this refers to my friend, Bestovius, the Flip Wizard. Now go forth through this door and seek Bestovius!”

So Mario went forth through the door, which is pretty strange as there was no one to go first, second and third through the door.

“BLEH HEH HEH HEH! BLECK! The Void has been ripped in the dimensional fabric!”

In a dark and dreary castle, Count Bleck and his minions were having a little meeting about what was going to happen. Nastasia, as always, was right beside him. Across from them were O’Chunks, a burly muscle-bound man with shaggy auburn hair and an even shaggier beard; and Dimentio, a strange jester-like man wearing a cape and cap that shared a purple-n-yellow color scheme and having his face painted white on his right and black on his left, hair dyed to match, and an seemingly eternal smile.

“Yes, Count Bleck is pleased,” he continued. “All has gone as foretold in the Dark Prognosticus. Now it’s just a matter of time until all worlds meet their demise! Bleck!”

“Wow, that’s just super, Count!” O’Chunks said(who, by the way, didn’t really sound like himself, as if someone had taken out his vocal cords and switched them with that of a ten-year-old girl). “First you’ll erase all these naughty worlds, then you’re gonna build a perfect world without war and all that other icky stuff!”

“Yes, yes, no one likes the icky stuff...” Dimentio said(who, by the way, sounded like David Bowie. Just thought you should know.). “Yesss, a perfect world... sounds magical... Ah ha ha! I can hardly stand the wait!”

“SORRY I’M LATE!” Suddenly, a man dropped in... literally. It was... another O’Chunks. The second O’Chunks noticed the first O’Chunks and his jaw dropped. “What in blazin’ bog rats?” he asked(sounding more like he should). “How’d I beat meself ‘ere? What’s goin’ on?!!”

“... Oh, O’Chunks, you big silly!” the first O’Chunks said. “Didja oversleep or something?” “O’Chunks” then turned into an exact replica of Count Bleck. “I guess it’s hard to be on time when you’ve got muscles instead of brains!”

“‘EY! Yeh can’t fool me wit’ that crazy shape-shiftin’ hooliganry! It’s Mimi, innit?!!” O’Chunks looked at Mimi with anger in his eyes. “Show a little respect for the count! Yeh can’t go a’borrowin’ ‘is face, lass!”

Count Bleck, however, wasn’t upset. “Bleh heh heh heh... How delightful, Mimi. Almost as dapper... as Count Bleck!”

Mimi responded by turning into Princess Peach. “Aw, golly, thanks, Count! With you around, it’s nothing but big smiles all the time! Hanging out with the count! That’s my idea of a perfect world!” She blushed after saying this.

Dimentio rolled his eyes. “And here I thought Mimi’s ideal world was a gem-filled pool with hunky lifeguards...”

Mimi transformed into Bowser in rage. “HEY! DIMENTIO! HAVE YOU BEEN READING MY DIARY?!!” she screamed. “... I mean... um... never mind.”

“Bleh heh heh heh... Well, different strokes for different minions,” Count Bleck said. “After these rotten worlds are ended, Count Bleck will make all your dreams come true! But for that to happen, we must follow the instructions of the Dark Prognosticus.”

“Yeah, about that,” Nastasia told the count. “Just an FYI? I’ve got an important memo for your inbox. Apparently there’s been some unapproved interdimensional activity lately. Yeah. I’m thinking it’s the hero of prophecy. We’re gonna need an action plan for this guy.”

“A dimensional interloper! And possibly the hero?!! You are sure of it, Nastasia?” Count Bleck pondered for a bit. “Interesting, mused Count Bleck. We must put an end to this nuisance.”

“Count Bleck!” O’Chunks shouted. “Lemme get this right in me brain. The ‘ero Nastasia’s goin’ on ‘bout... he yer enemy? Then yeh gotta cut me loose on ‘im! Yeh gotta! I’ll give ‘im a taste of O’Chunks!”

“Very well, O’Chunks,” Count Bleck told him. “I leave the hero chunking to you. Do not fail Count Bleck.”

O’Chunks grinned broadly. “Yeh can count on me, Count!” he said. “I’ll rain down on ‘im like a fat thunderstorm! I swear it!” Then he turned to Dimentio and Mimi. “Mimi! Dimentio! Yeh should tag along! Yeh could witness a proper chunkin’!” He jumped down to a lower level and headed out.

“Mmm... I do enjoy a good chunking,” Dimentio said coolly. “Well, then... I believe I’ll head out as well.” With that, he disappeared.

“Bleh heh heh heh... So hero... you would defy Count Bleck? Then hurry, for your world’s end draws near... BLEH HEH HEH HEH BLECK!”

Phew... you guys better appreciate that! I was going back and forth between the Wii and the computer to get this to you! But I enjoyed it, that’s really all that matters, right? Okay, you people who watch me at deviantART, expect character sheets as soon as I get off my fat, lazy butt and finish the darn things. I’m a bum! Yay! Anyway, some things I should point out:

-I was dead serious when I said all the characters would be humans. Well, not quite. They’ll all be human-like. Floro Sapiens will still be plant based, Cragnons will still be rock people who worship Big Rock Who Watches, Squirps will still be an alien(my own generic alien species, Kindreds), etc, etc.

-If you want to know/even care, Tippi is a chibi. More specifically, my version of chibi, which have their hands not attached to their bodies and no whites/pupils in their eyes. I don’t even think they have toes. Ack.

And... that’s it. Stay tuned for chapter 1: Lineland!