Pairing: NaruSasu
Summary: (Post time-skip, humor) How Naruto wondered about Sasuke’s sex life, how Sasuke figured out he might have manfeelings for Naruto, and then how Sasuke kicked Naruto in the face. Again.

I was tired of reading about Sasuke having a sexual identity crisis, so I tried to write something relatively humorous about it. Then Sasuke’s OMG-ANGST got in the way, damn it. :kicks him: And because I’m rather new to this fandom, any concrit on the matter of Sasuke and Naruto’s characterization would be much loved. Warning for this being unbetaed, as usual.

(The title came from the fact that I couldn’t make Naruto shut up.)

Shoot Your Mouth Off
Hades’ Phoenix

Sex wasn’t really a foreign concept to Sasuke. It couldn’t be, especially after having lived with Orochimaru and his less-than-subtle innuendo for almost three years, and especially for living in a world essentially ruled by blood and death. When betrayal and distrust become the order of the day, shinobi tend to grab at the remainders of their humanity without much more than a passing thought for taboo.

“Do you even have a dick?” Naruto demanded one day, when the newly reunited Team Seven had decided to have their ‘we-finished-a-mission-and-no-one-died-that-wasn’t-supposed-to’ celebration at Ichiraku. Or rather, the blond had decided, and dragged his two teammates to the ramen stall with Kakashi trailing along as a porn-bearing shadow of amusement.

Sasuke gave Naruto a long look that questioned his intelligence, his ancestry, and the blond’s own manhood, all without words. A lesser man—or one with more common sense—might have shit himself, but Naruto just waved his chopsticks around haphazardly and nearly smacked the other boy in the face.

“I mean, you go all snakey-doom on us and leave, but you still have girls hanging off of you and you still don’t take advantage of it. What the hell, man? Are you broken down there or something?”

Sitting on the other side of Naruto, Sakura was torn between outrage and laughing her ass off. Sasuke could have sworn he heard a sound suspiciously like a chuckle emanating from the erotica book next to him, and his eyes narrowed into dangerous slits as he ruminated over all the ways he’d learned to kill with just a finger.

Naruto leaned close enough that his nose nearly squished Sasuke’s, who suddenly made it a matter of pride not to move away from the violation of his five-meter personal bubble. Because that would’ve suggested Naruto was getting under his skin, and that was not true. At all. Period.

Typically, Sasuke was able to ignore the things he disliked with the sort of contempt only a spoiled, aristocratic little asshole could manage, but naturally Naruto had to ruin even that.

“Are you sure you’re a guy?”

A boot in his face sent Naruto flying into the dusty road behind them, scattering some of the barely-pubescent females that had been watching Team Seven and giggling behind their hands.

“Ow, you bastard!”

Sasuke calmly turned his back to the road and sipped his oolong tea, musing that he should have gone with the traditional green instead.

Naruto clambered back to his own stool, muttering darkly under his breath and taking a deep drought from his ramen bowl. Sakura was poorly trying to repress her own snickers, but otherwise, the stall returned to its normal late-afternoon peace.

“So if it’s not broken,” Naruto said suddenly, and Sasuke resisted the urge to bash his head into the counter, “then is it, like, really small or something? Are you embarrassed?”

“Inexperience is not something to be ashamed of,” Kakashi commented lightly, not looking up.

“Aw, is Sasuke-chan shy?” Naruto drawled girlishly, batting his eyelashes, and through his own killing intent that was slowly filling the stall, Sasuke realized the idiot’s expression was one of the most disturbing things he’d ever seen.

“…Go die in a fire.”

“Well, geez, with that attitude, no wonder you’re not getting laid.” Naruto paused for a moment, then turned to Sakura. “Ne, ne, Sakura-chan, what is it with girls and the whole brooding-angsty-asshole thing?”

She blinked, first at Naruto, then at Sasuke, who was staring at his tea and imagining the slow painful deaths of loud blond teammates, and was glad that she’d finally gotten over her unhealthy crush. “You know, I have no idea.”

“I mean, most girls say they want someone sensitive with a sense of humor, right? I think Sasuke just kicks puppies. Ow!” He hunkered down defensively when Sakura raised her fist again, her eyes flashing.

The only animal Sasuke had any intention of kicking was a fox—preferably the one sitting next to him. Next to him, as in, in his personal bubble, damn it! (Unless the puppy was a certain yapping Inuzuka, because that would be satisfying too. He wasn’t very picky when it came to these kinds of things.)

“If you’re so frustrated, go out and buy a night,” Sasuke snapped. “Otherwise, shut the fuck up.”

“What makes you think I’m frustrated?” Naruto demanded hotly, and the other boy’s lips twisted into a sneer.

“The fact that you’re obsessing over my sex life.”

“Or lack thereof,” Kakashi chimed in helpfully. He went ignored.

“Just wondering if you ever get that stick out of your ass,” Naruto growled, something dark and mischievous flashing in his eyes, “or is it just making room for something else?”

He was prepared to duck a vicious upper-hand cut that would have crushed his windpipe just as Sakura screeched a scandalized, “Naruto!”

“Idiot!”

“Bastard!”

Kakashi’s single eye lazily watched the two almost-adults wreak havoc in the street, upsetting civilians and not a few shopping bags. It appeared that Sasuke was attempting to shove his chokuto down Naruto’s throat while the blond countered with a taunting and malicious Sexy no Jutsu; like waving a red banner in front of a bull, it only seemed to piss off the brunet even more. The jounin blinked slowly and wondered if perhaps Naruto latest accusations had a point, before deciding that any serious consideration of his own students’ sex lives was a bit much even for him and promptly dismissed the thought.

“They’re never going to grow up, are they?” Sakura groaned, folding her arms over the counter and dropping her head on top of them in exasperation. Kakashi smiled at her under his mask, making his eye curve in a gentle moon-shape. Personally, he’d rather they be fined for public disturbance than chased down by hunter-nins.

“Probably not,” he agreed cheerfully. “It’s just part of their charm.”

She thunked her forehead methodically against the wooden counter.

xxx

Sex might not have been a foreign concept for Sasuke, but if there was no immediate and desperate need for the application of said sexuality that would result in the accomplishment of a mission—then he just didn’t give a shit. Kabuto had once implicated childhood trauma as the reason for Sasuke acting like he didn’t get erections like any other warm-blooded male, but he’d spoken with such a leering sarcasm that Sasuke had later wrought his revenge with a good old Gokakyou no Jutsu and a particularly expensive laboratory full of delicate instruments.

“You’re such a bastard, Sasuke.”

And despite Kakashi’s insinuation, Sasuke wasn’t entirely inexperienced. Sex with Karin had been rather boring, though instead of eradicating her tiresome crush (which had been the whole point), that one time only seemed to have made her more obsessed. The one or two other Otonins Sasuke had deigned to be intimate with served more as teachers in paranoid caution rather than passionate-but-tender baby-making.

Orochimaru thought it all rather amusing, in his own creepy pedophilic way.

“It’s like something crawled up your ass and died in its own vomit or something.”

It had, admittedly, crossed his mind that perhaps his boredom with Karin had been because of something on his part rather than the act itself. More than a few people had insinuated that with his pretty-boy appearance, Sasuke would have made a good catamite (and certainly it was something that had crossed the snake-sennin’s mind, before the brunet made his opinion very clear on the matter). There’d been the thought that if he was gay, his father would have been rolling in his grave; he’d been too young to ask when everyone was still alive, of course, but he didn’t think an ancient and proud clan reacted well to having homosexual heirs. But since everyone was dead anyway and the sight of naked men didn’t do it for him any more than naked women, he’d dismissed it as a moot point anyway.

“Were you born that way—“

“Why are you still talking?” Sasuke demanded shortly, suppressing a wince as pain shot through his left arm. The rock he was sitting on wasn’t making his body feel any better either, but he refused to sprawl out on the shredded and burnt grass like his more primitive sparring partner.

Naruto gave him a dirty look from his horizontal position, too tired to do much more than that. Much as he hated to admit it, Orochimaru must have been one hell of a teacher. He and Sasuke were so nearly equal that it would take an all-out battle to determine the stronger, but that was unlikely to happen with the Valley of the End still a fresh scar in their minds even after all these years. Not to mention that Tsunade and her team of ANBU would tan both their hides if they put so much as a toe out of line again.

“You weren’t listening,” he spat, as though that should explain everything. For Sasuke, it did, but he just curled his lip in response. “I ain’t gonna take that kind of shit from Uchiha Sasuke. Son of a bitch.”

Sasuke tried to tune him out as he carefully felt at his arm, having had it dislocated in the fight that started at Ichiraku’s and tumbled out onto the training grounds. Tensing his jaw, he shoved hard at it and popped the limb back into place with a slight grunt.

“Oh, gross,” Naruto muttered. “You could have asked, you know. For help.”

Yes, Sasuke could have. In fact, there were many times when he probably should have asked for it, but he hadn’t before, and like hell he was going to start now. Even if Naruto was one of the only people in the Village that would lift a hand to help the former missing-nin.

He rotated his arm slowly, feeling and acknowledging the pain before ignoring it. He was good at that sort of thing, too. Naruto was just beginning to catch his breath as the Kyuubi’s healing chakra made the air taste fiery-metallic at the back of Sasuke’s throat. Like blood, he thought, and his slight smirk was dark and a little ironic.

“So now that we’ve gotten the ass-kicking out of the way—which I so totally won, by the way—why don’t you ever do any of that stuff?”

“You didn’t win.” This was important to emphasize. “…Why won’t you drop it?”

Naruto managed to shrug awkwardly, watching Sasuke fuss about on his rock like a bored and lazy cat. “Because a few people have wondered and it made me wonder, and if anyone’s gonna know it’s gotta be me, because you’re my best friend. Rival. Friend. Thing.” His fair brows were pulled together in a familiar expression of confusion.

Sasuke’s dark eyes stared back unblinkingly, unaware that it made him look like a serpent stalking a mouse and was more than a little sinister. “I’m not something for you to own.” Because it wasn’t unusual for the blond orphan to be all possessive, but it was also one of the many things Sasuke had developed even less tolerance for after returning from Sound.

“I know that, you bastard,” Naruto snorted. “Not even I’m that stupid.” Unlike Orochimaru, went unsaid.

Sasuke’s shoulders relaxed slightly.

“But it’s just weird.” Naruto rolled onto his stomach to prop himself up with his elbows, not noticing the leaves that stuck in his hair. “If other guys had your looks—“

“It’s boring.”

Thrown, mouth working a few times, the blond finally managed, “Wait, what?”

Sasuke gave him a Look that would have made a man-eating tiger feel like a clumsy kitten. Naturally, it didn’t faze the other boy.

“…You think sex is boring?” Naruto’s voice rose high on the last word, as though he were torn between laughter and incredulity. Sasuke shrugged an unharmed shoulder uncaringly, scowling when he realized that the blood staining his clothing was going to be difficult to remove. “Man, and here I thought that Otonins would be all about the bondage and blood.”

Sasuke shrugged again absently, neither agreeing nor disagreeing, giving up on his clothes and starting to rewind the spools of wire he’d used during their spar. It was obvious that he didn’t care much for this conversation, but at least Sasuke was almost talking, for once, and as long as it didn’t earn him a fist through his lung Naruto was going to milk it for all it was worth.

(Naruto made a mental note to remember that if he wanted information out of the asshole, a good hard battle with blood and pointy objects might make him agreeable enough to say more than ‘idiot’ and ‘fuck off.’ Although if Sasuke thought bondage with Orochimaru’s ninjas was boring…well. That was a rather frightening thought. Either he was so disconnected from his balls he may as well have been a eunuch, or Itachi had fucked with his mind far more seriously than anyone previously thought.)

Naruto was still watching him with that boneless catlike ease, as though they hadn’t been just trying to beat the snot out of one another, and it was starting to make Sasuke feel itchy. He’d always hated being the center of everyone’s attention—it went against all the instincts of a ninja. And though he’d learned to ignore the piercing gazes that came from powerful people like Orochimaru and Kabuto, having Naruto with his guard so obviously down (as though he were trustworthy) was making him uncomfortable. He was a killer, damn it, not someone’s fucking teddy bear.

(He wasn’t used to someone looking at him like he wasn’t a tool or a traitor or an idol or a victim.)

“Ne, ne, you’re not into all that, are you?”

Sasuke gave him another flat look from under his long bangs that might have meant, Don’t be stupid, of course not, or might have been, Don’t be stupid, stop making fun of my questionable hobbies or I’ll stab you. It was hard to tell with him, sometimes.

Naruto, wisely, quickly abandoned that line of discussion. “Maybe you just think it’s boring because you haven’t found the right person.”

This time, Sasuke gave up trying to ignore the idiot and his eyes narrowed into an icy glare. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Oi, I didn’t mean a soulmate or whatever, don’t get your panties in a twist.” Naruto rolled his eyes, shifting slightly so that his right elbow wasn’t digging into a small rock. “That kinda shit’s for Sakura’s trashy novels she likes to pretend she doesn’t read.”

The reflexive tightening of long fingers around the wire spools told the blond that he had better hurry up and get to the point.

“I mean, if you don’t have a partner that likes what you like, then it’s not much fun for anyone, is it?”

“Who died and made you a counselor? Because you suck at it.”

Naruto frowned and stuck out his tongue. “Shut up, asshole. What, did you think I’d follow Ero-sennin around for three years and not learn something?”

“No, but I suppose it would have been too much to ask that you learn something useful,” Sasuke commented dryly. He idly wondered why he hadn’t gotten up and left yet. He’d already gotten what he wanted—a good, hard fight—so why was he still here, again? It wasn’t like he didn’t already make his opinion on Naruto’s intelligence, and skill, and everything else about him for that matter, known on a regular basis anyway; and Sasuke was generally of the thought that if someone was too stupid to realize his own problem, well, that was his own fault. He had better things to do than be so philanthropic as to point out another’s shortcomings.

Maybe it was because Naruto wasn’t too afraid, or too infatuated, to fight back just as viciously.

…Huh.

Sasuke looked at Naruto silently, tilting his head, not hearing it when the complaining blond slowly trailed off into puzzled silence. Naruto was relatively attractive, physically, in that dorky charismatic way of his that tended to win over hearts as hard as Gaara’s and make him the favorite of their own permanently bitchy Hokage.

Whenever he had absolutely no other choice, Sasuke could take care of his bodily reactions in a quick and perfunctory manner. He didn’t imagine anyone or anything in particular, just focused on the sensation until it faded and he could concentrate on more time-worthy things, like training. The adrenaline- and endorphin-rush that made people act like such lovesick fools was something that Sasuke had only ever experienced during a fight that pushed his body to the limit and broke his self-control just to stay alive.

Naruto, for his own part, was getting weirded out with the way Sasuke didn’t say much (not that he ever did, but even less so nowadays) and tended to look through people with that blank, measuring stare. The old-fashioned black yukata with the Uchiha fan on its back, which Sasuke had taken to wearing as a strange sort of compromise between his old childhood fashion and Sound’s, didn’t help with the image as it made him look not unlike an overgrown bat. He fidgeted for a few minutes, before he finally cracked.

“Oi, quit it, bastard!”

Sasuke blinked slowly. “…What now, idiot?”

Naruto pushed himself back onto his heels and scowled ferociously. “You’re acting like you’re not sure if you should eat the flesh off my bones with soy-sauce or hot mustard.”

Sasuke blinked again, wondering if he’d completely missed something before deciding he didn’t really care anyway.

“I mean, geez, it’s not like I’m suggesting you go out and get fucked some big-titted dominatrix—“

Sasuke’s glare darkened.

“—but maybe if you could stop being such a frigid bitch and get laid, you wouldn’t be half so anal all the time.” A momentary awkward pause. “Uh, no pun intended, if that’s what you like.”

Sasuke could see Naruto subtly tensing his body, obviously prepared for a full frontal assault for being so…well, Naruto-ishly blunt on the matter. So he sadistically did nothing, amusing himself by watching the blond work himself into a sweat.

Besides, it gave Sasuke a chance to ruminate. ‘Ruminating’ wasn’t something he was known for; sulking, sure, though he preferred to call it brooding. But he had a bad record of actually thinking things through, as evidenced by his sudden urge to throw himself before Haku’s senbon during that so-long-ago first mission, his foolish challenge to Itachi that left his already questionable sanity more cracked than ever, his blind-sighted decision that sacrificing his own soul to Orochimaru was an acceptable cost for vengeance. And while he was at it, let’s not forget his near-murder of a certain teammate.

For being such a genius, Sasuke could be remarkably stupid. Naruto once claimed Itachi must’ve dropped him on his head as a little kid, which resulted in a spectacular fight that nearly leveled a whole district and raised the bar on Tsunade’s wrath to whole new dimensions.

So, while it was known that Sasuke could be just as reckless as Naruto, he did it for entirely more selfish reasons.

“Are you offering?” Sasuke said smoothly after a few minutes, keeping his voice utterly indifferent. It was rather amusing to see Naruto at a loss for words—twice in the same day, a new record—but part of him was morbidly curious to see how the other boy would react.

“What—I—No! And stop looking at me like that, bastard!”

Naruto was now standing, hands fisted at his side and blue eyes flashing with anger and something else that took a Sasuke a moment to figure out. It was hurt, as though they were genin again and he’d found a new way to make Naruto feel worthless.

…Huh, again. That was rather unexpected. The only things Naruto didn’t turn into a joke were the things that actually mattered to him—and now that Sasuke had made that rather belated discovery, it created a whole new set of implications he’d probably end up losing sleep over. As if he didn’t sleep little enough as it was.

Suddenly Sasuke wasn’t sitting on his stupid rock any more but was in front of Naruto, with that inhuman speed of his, and before Naruto could fall backwards in surprise, Sasuke held the back of his head with his right hand and pressed their lips together.

It wasn’t much of a kiss, considering one participant was generally uncomfortable with non-violent contact and the other was too shocked to be much of a participant at all. Naruto’s lips were soft and dry, a little salty from sweat and their ramen lunch, certainly not unpleasant but nothing really mind-blowing, either. Sasuke pulled back without releasing the hold he had on bright yellow hair, brow furrowed in thought, and Naruto couldn’t do much more than blink.

“…Hn.” He absently picked the dry leaves from Naruto’s hair, left arm remaining still at his side to keep the pain from having it dislocated at a minimum, and turned things over in his head. Sasuke decided he still wasn’t impressed, and told Naruto so.

“I—well, shit, Sasuke—“ The other boy sputtered for a little bit before freezing. “Wait, did you just say I’m boring?”

“Yes,” Sasuke said bluntly, flicking away a leaf between his fingers and turning to go back to the village. He didn’t believe in love, but he’d thought that, if anyone could, Naruto would have made things more interesting. Apparently intimacy and sexuality in general was just as uninteresting as he’d believed. “Idiot.”

Most people, upon being belittled by the Uchiha Sasuke, would have crumbled in upon themselves. But Naruto wasn’t most people, and before Sasuke could take more than a few steps, the brunet was tackled and pinned to the ground too quickly to fight back. The strength of Naruto’s hand around his left arm sent pain shooting through his shoulder, but he kept his face impassive as he found himself straddled and faced with an angry jinchuriki.

“It’s only boring,” Naruto snarled, “when you’re doing it wrong.”

Sasuke frowned and started to argue, but was cut off by Naruto’s mouth forced onto his. Teeth bit roughly at his lips and a tongue lapped at his own while Naruto’s weight and chakra held him firmly to the ground, and Sasuke automatically fought back, giving as good as he got. The pain in his shoulder and the angry forcefulness of the other boy made it feel not unlike another fight, albeit one with slightly different terms and intent, and the unconscious activation of his Sharingan made the sensations more…exciting. Or something.

Finally Naruto sat back on the ground at Sasuke’s side and smirked foxily. “Ne, bastard…finally realized that trying to act all apathetic is just lame?”

Sasuke forced his breathing and heartbeat to a more regular rhythm as he stared unseeingly up at the sky, not having realized they’d sped up. He was very surprised to find that his body was reacting in ways his mind hadn’t quite caught up with yet.

Sex might not have been a foreign concept to Sasuke, but trust Naruto to twist everything Sasuke thought he knew into something entirely different. Not that Sasuke would admit it except under the most extreme of tortures, of course.

Naruto waggled his brows suggestively. “So, does this mean I get to take the place of that stick shoved up your ass, or what?”

And for the second time that day, a swift boot to the face sent him sprawling into the dirt.

“…You need more practice, idiot.”

When Naruto started flailing about indignantly and came back with an angry upper-cut, Sasuke didn’t bother to hide his amusement, nor point out the fact that he hadn’t said ‘no.’

That would take all the fun out of it.