Author: poeticgrace PM
A fall from grace and a lack of faith nearly destroyed everything, but sometimes all it takes is someone to help you pick yourself up to move on. LuSam.Rated: Fiction T - English - Angst/Romance - Lucky & Sam M. - Chapters: 20 - Words: 44,278 - Reviews: 182 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 12-01-07 - Published: 07-04-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3635059
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A month ago, Samantha McCall was on top of the world. The host of her own television show, a renowned hero in the aftermath of the Metrocourt hostage crisis and happily engaged to the love of her life, she had the world at her fingertips. During those days, she had thought that the only thing missing from her existence was a baby, and even that seemed possible during those last few days of innocence. She had made many mistakes throughout her life, but for the first time ever, she seemed to have everything she could ever want. Now, she was left with nothing.
When Jason had pushed her away last summer, she had told herself that it could never get any worse than that. Her daughter had died the year before, Danny died in February and she was beginning to lose her fiancée. It didn't seem possible that life could get any harder, but then, she found out that Alexis Davis was her mother. Everything began to spin out of control, and before she knew it, she was in bed with Ric Lansing. Her most significant moment of weakness led to repercussions that so many would be feeling for the months to come.
In the end, honesty and love won out, and they were both truthful about what had happened during the night of the blackout. While the situation was less than ideal and the pain was undeniable, Jason and Sam had been able to forgive each other for the one-night stands. Circumstances on both ends had led them there, and it was hard to blame either for what had happened. Acceptance had been the first step in moving on, and eventually time had been able to heal most wounds. However, there was one cut that was far too deep for even Jason's love to fix.
Finding out that Jason was Jake's father had shattered her heart into a tiny million pieces. There was no coming back from that. Elizabeth had been able to give him the one thing that she couldn't. Despite his constant declarations that his lifestyle was too dangerous for a child, Sam knew that Jason wanted to be a father. She had seen him with Michael and Morgan over the years, and the paternal yearnings were apparent. He was made to be a father.
His connection to Jake was undeniable from the beginning. Looking back, she couldn't help but wonder why she hadn't been more suspicious. He had been so attentive to Elizabeth throughout her pregnancy, especially after they were trapped together in the elevator. She had tried to chalk it up to years of friendship and their singular night together. Sam knew that Jason loved her. She had no reason to question his commitment to her or their life together.
Immediately after they had been rescued from the Metrocourt, Elizabeth had agreed to remarry Lucky, and Sam had thought they were finally going to be able put everything behind them. With the angelic nurse reunited with her perceived soul mate, Lucky, she believed that Jason would be able to focus on their flailing relationship. Much to her chagrin, however, his attentiveness toward her had only become stronger. Eventually, she would learn why. Jason was Jake's father, and Elizabeth was his mother. Sam and Lucky were just two unknowing people caught in the crosshairs.
This is it, she thought to herself as she gazed out over the lights of Port Charles. This is what rock bottom feels like. I wasn't sure that I could fall any further, but I have. I am standing on this ledge, and I literally have nothing.
She knew that Jason was going to be incapable of forgiving her after the kidnapping. She had known all along that Maureen had taken the infant from Elizabeth in Rice Park, but she had been too frozen with grief and fear to do anything about. There was no excusing her actions; they were selfish and unforgivable. Amelia had readily told her that Jason knew, and by the time she reached the PCPD precinct to talk to him about, he was already on his way to Pentonville. Of all people, Carly had to be the one to tell her. Sam knew he would have rather seen his best friend in those last moments than her, and that hurt like hell.
It had been six days since he had left, and the hours seemed to stretch on forever. She was going through the motions of living life without Jason, unsure of what to think or how to act. Spinelli watched her cautiously, monitoring her every movement as if she was on the verge of collapse. The kind-hearted teen had no idea how close she was actually teetering to the edge. She simply worked on the television show out of contractual obligation and came home. If it got her through the day and brought her back to her bed, she would have done anything. The penthouse wasn't her home anymore, but at least she still had her bed…their bed.
When she had told Spinelli that she was moving out, he had instantly tried to convince her otherwise. He still saw the best in her, and she wished that she could live up to his expectations. To see people in their best light is a truly admirable gift, and she was grateful for his place in her life. However, she knew that he was loyal to Jason, and he would undoubtedly turn on her once the truth was revealed about her actions. She deserved to lose everything.
Now, standing on the roof of the Metrocourt, she flirted with the idea of truly losing everything. Dipping her stiletto heel over the edge of the building, she looked at the people below. They looked like tiny ants marching to and from the restaurant across the street, just going on about their lives as if they didn't have a care in the world. I wonder how far down it is, she pondered. If I landed by the terrace, it would really ruin someone's meal. Maybe I could time it after dessert so that they could at least get through the dinner course.
A humorless giggle escaped past her pursed lips as she slid down toward the ground. Swinging her toned legs over the side, a clear image of Jason holding Jake at the hospital shortly after his birth came into her mind. She had overheard him talking to Elizabeth about their son, and in an instant, two relationships were ended. No matter how hard she tried, she knew that they would never be able to get back what they had. Too desperate to hold onto the only real thing she had in her life, she wasn't able to see what a sham they had turned out to be.
And Lucky, well, he had no clue that he wasn't Jake's father. Hell, he didn't even know that his sweet, virtuous wife had slept with the cold, violent mobster all those months ago. He knew that there was a connection between them, but somehow, he'd managed to stay oblivious to just how deep their bond was. Sam had thought about telling him a million times, but she had never found the courage to actually go through with it. It seemed spiteful to tear apart his life just because hers had imploded.
Sam reached into the back pocket of her faded jeans and pulled a creased photograph out. The only happiness that remained between Jason and her was frozen in time, and she would never be able to capture those fleeting moments again. She wanted to take away every smile Elizabeth would ever have. She wanted to make the wholesome brunette understand what it felt like to have her life end.
Slowly, Sam gathered herself up and stood up again. Just one move and everything could be over. Who would miss her? Certainly not her mother, who had barely spoken a word to her since finding out who Sam had been before coming to Port Charles. She hadn't seen her sisters, Kristina and Molly, for months. It was as if they had disappeared from the sleepy New York town altogether. What little family she had beyond them didn't care about her one way or another. Her entire life had been built around Jason.
Bravely, she jumped backward off the ledge and landed with a soft thud on the cement roof. The small fall gave her an internal adrenaline rush unmatched by most things. Slipping out of her heels, she walked along the perimeter of the building searching for the perfect place. Should she choose the north side, which faced the docks she'd spent so many hours on? The view of the harbor had always been her favorite. Maybe she should pick the east side where she could see the faint glow of Kelly's a few blocks away. That had been the sight of many of Port Charles' favorite scenes. The south side offered a glimpse of General Hospital, the epicenter for drama in her life. And the west side…of course the west side. It was there that she could see their penthouse in Harbor View Towers.
Climbing back on the ledge, she struggled to gain her balance before slowly gliding to the west side of the building. She was careful as she padded along the slender piece of ground beneath her feet. Closing her eyes, she pretended that she was a graceful circus performer negotiating her way along a tight rope. When she finally reached her destination, she looked out at the city again. Here she was – it was now or never.
"Goodbye, pain," she whispered out lout. "Goodbye, heartache. Goodbye, disappointment. Goodbye, loss and regret and anger and defeat. Goodbye, hurting and failure and loneliness and feeling incomplete. Goodbye, never being good enough. Goodbye, Port Charles. Goodbye, Jason. Goodbye, love. Goodbye life. Goodbye, everything. Goodbye, world."
Sam dangled one foot over the edge and looked up at the stars. Reaching for her throat, she felt the delicate chain slide through her fingers until her hand rested on the diamond pendant. Pulling it free from her neck, she tossed it over her shoulder, hoping that someone would find it and give it to him. Maybe then he could understand. Goodbye, Jason, she repeated internally. Goodbye, love.
Leaning forward, Sam readied herself to take a leap of faith. She had to trust that wherever she landed, it would be better than the life she had made for herself. Maybe if her fate was taken out of her own hands, she wouldn't be able to tear down everything she had built up. Murmuring a silent prayer to herself, she closed her eyes and started to jump.
"Sam!" a voice rang out from behind her, breaking the comfortable silence that had consumed her most of the night. Sam regained her composure and straightened her petite frame. This wasn't part of the plan. No one was supposed to be here. She wanted to do this alone. Staring straight ahead, she prayed that she would be able to get rid of her unwanted companion easily. She had important things to do. "Please, don't jump."
"Leave me alone," she implored, squeezing her eyes shut tightly. "You don't care if I live or die, so just let me do this. I want to jump. What I do doesn't affect you. If anything, your life will be easier without me in it. Maybe that way you can blame everything on me."
"Blame what on you?" the man asked, his voice careful but sincere. "You haven't done anything to me, Sam. Please, just get down from there and we'll talk about it. I don't know what is going on with you, but I can promise you that it's not worth ending your life over. Nothing is worth dying for, Sam."
"What about love?" she deadpanned. "Isn't love worth dying for? Wouldn't you give your life for someone that you love? That's all I'm doing here. I'm just trying to get Jason an easy out."
Her rooftop companion grunted before taking a few steps forward. "This isn't an easy out for anyone, especially Jason. You would know that if you really stopped to think about it. This is going to tear him apart."
"You didn't answer my question," she argued without looking back. "Wouldn't you give your life for someone that you love?"
"Of course I would," he answered, "but only to save them. You're not doing that here, Sam. You're just giving into the darkness and the pain. This doesn't end well for anyone. It's not going to give you the answers you want. It's only going to end your life. I know, I've been there. You just have to trust that you can get yourself through this."
She wanted to scream at him, make him see how much he didn't understand. If she told him what she knew, he would surely let her go. He would get the irrevocable pain searing her heart and allow her to jump. Sam opened and shut her mouth a few times, searching for the words. Just because she wanted to die didn't mean that she should hurt an innocent child in the process. It wasn't up to her to decide his fate, so her final good deed on this earth would have to be keeping the secret once again.
"I'm done getting through this," she declared confidently. "I'm going to jump. You can watch if you want to, I can't stop you. I'd recommend turning away. I've heard that it can be quite messy from this high up."
"Please, don't," he pleaded one final time. His voice sounded vulnerable and pure. Turning around, Sam held his gaze for a moment before throwing a small smile his way. His eyes locked into hers as she stepped back toward the edge of the building. One more step and she would never come back. "Don't."
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her words getting lost in the breeze. Taking her final step, she felt the wind whip around her face as she started to fall. A few seconds later, she opened her eyes and looked around. He had wrapped his arms around her just as she had started to jump, pulling her to safety on the rooftop. They had fallen together onto the cement surface, his body pinning hers underneath.
Infuriated, she started to punch and push him, hoping that his resolve would break and he would roll off her. Instead, he held her steadily to the ground and waited quietly as she worked through her emotions. Within a couple minutes, she was exhausted, and her fighting anger had transformed into sullen sobs. "It's okay, you're safe," he murmured. "I'm here. You're okay."
Burying her face in the soft cotton of his worn t-shirt, she clung to him as though her life depended on it. Who knew? Maybe it did depend on it. "Damn you," she wept. "I wanted to jump. I wanted to die."
"I'm not going to let you die," he proclaimed. "I saved you, and I'm not going anywhere. We are going to go get you some help."
"Why did you have to save me?" she asked tearfully. "Why couldn't you just let me go?"
"Because I know, Sam," Lucky said. "I know everything, and I was afraid that if I let you jump, I might just fall over the edge, too."