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Anime/Manga » Bleach » Just Another Day with Gotei Thirteen
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Author of 12 Stories |
A/N: Aye, this chapter was originally meant to be the last one but I had too much fun with the pink thing (laugh) I’m sorry I can’t tell people what it was since I don’t know myself! Some sort of game that reads your desires or summat, haha. And technically; if these are days in the life of the Gotei 13 then this chapter should be about Hitsugaya’s birthday party since he mentioned it would be “tomorrow” last chapter, so lets just say these aren’t in any specific timeline.
Author: Yoru Ryu
Rating: K +/ PG -13
Listening To: America -- Razorlight
Disclaimer: I don’t own Bleach. There’d be a helluva lot more Aizen, Gin and Tousen in if I did!
Spoilers: Soul Society spoilers if ya squint.
Warnings: Silliness, madness, OOCness, whatever ya wanna call it. Eleventh Division speak.
Just Another Day with Gotei Thirteen
Day Four
The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the flowers were blooming and the breeze caressed all. It was on such a day the small and adorable Eleventh Division Lieutenant was in such a foul mood. The girl’s pink hair bobbed as she threw herself on the floor successfully decimating a pretty patch of small white flowers. An irritated sigh escaped her.
None, and she meant none, of the Shinigami outside her own Division took her seriously. She had very politely inquiredKuchiki-taichou for a friendly sparring match and he’d practically trampled over her in his haste and futile effort to hold back his hysterical mirth. That or he could have just been trying his darndest to escape her. Either really.
Sigh.
She pulled a flower from the ground and began ripping the petals from the face. “They take me seriously, they take me not, they take me seriously… they take me not…”
The last petal came with the result of the other Divisions not taking her seriously. Her mind drifted back to various encounters with them; Fifth’s Lieutenant snaring her and braiding her short hair with decorative flowers. It was obvious Aizen had left because he couldn’t keep his kind smile from breaking out in vicious laughter at her predicament. Tenth’s Lieutenant was always trying to organise ‘play dates’ for her and the icy Captain with the result of said Captain even refusing to be in the same room as her. But still, Matsumoto persisted and often drew in help form the more light-hearted Divisions. Third’s Captain offering her as a ‘seeing eye dog’ to Ninth’s Captain. Twelfth’s Captain luring her into the science labs with promise of sweets from Thirteenth’s Captain… the list went on. Suffice to say she was not amused with their antics and had to extract her revenge upon their souls.
Her private pleas were answered when she stumbled across a large book later that miserably beautiful day. It was easily bigger than her torso and even with being found outside, had a dangerous layer of dust covering it. The large book was leather bound but incredibly thin - she estimated it at on thirty pages long - but the most noticeable thing about it were it’s contents; it contained a full-body picture of each Captain and a brief profile on their personality.
She immediately flipped to Ken-chan’s profile and confirmed it as correct. Yay!
Swiftly she shuffled away from her own Division (where she’d found it) and into a random one no one would suspect her to be. She settled in a huge field covered with flowers of all colours, scents and sizes and hid herself in a patch that easily towered her in height.
The book was opened at the first page and she found a bookmark and a brush attached to the spine by a long elegant thread. She skimmed over the introductory page;
“This is the latest version of Gotei 13 Shinigami. As Author of this encyclopaedia of most recent Captains I sincerely hope you enjoy yourself with the information granted to you, and hope you treat this book and the Captains with the utmost respect.
Please write down any side-effects in the note pages provided at the back. Thank you and enjoy!
Signed, U.K”
What sort of “side affects” could you get from a book? Shrugging it off she grabbed the brush that already seemed welling with black ink and turned another page. The first Captain she could graffiti was obviously;
- Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryusai - First Division Captain -
Yachiru looked at the picture of the old geezer. Old, wrinkled, beard, scarred, old. His perfectly realistic picture was splayed across the whole of the right page and script scrawled across the whole left page. She skimmed over that: likes to make dramatic entrances and flairs… voice like a rusted old kettle… thinks he’s better than everyone else… bald…. possible pyromaniac…?
It wasn’t really all that interesting so she took the brush to the picture. Old, old people were smelly so she drew several flies around his head and stink marks wafting from him…
As he sat at his miniature desk (not even thinking to complain about the size difference compared to Yamamoto’s) he turned slightly confused as a strong musty smell assaulted his nose. His brow furrowed as he looked around for the source. Had something crawled into their office and died? Had he forgotten to empty his bin? Sending a glance to the side of his desk confirmed he’d emptied it that morning. Was Yamamoto eating something weird for dinner then?
He almost jerked out of his creaky seat when he looked over at the old man. That’s were the smell was! He could tell by the cartoon-y stink marks. He could tell. They wiggled about around the old man’s head and shoulders as several flies circled. The old man seemed oblivious as he continued to scribble away on the many parchments surrounding him. Should he tell his Captain or make his excuses and leave?
“Ah, ah, ah,” he tried in vain to alert the General to the situation but his throat closed up every time he opened his mouth. The stench was just too bad! Even the room turned blurry as tears filled his eyes. H-he had to get out! “Ghughhh…” he made a strangled noise and stumbled frantically from the room.
Yamamoto barley inclined his head as his Lieutenant dashed through the doors. Something fishy was just about to begin… he could smell it.
- Soi Fong - Second Division Captain -
She was a mean old lady! Not as old as the old man, but still old! And mean! Mean old lady! She burst balls, she cracked Frisbees, she put sticks in mud… she even straightened out slinkies!
Her personality page confirmed such things; has a rough personality… fiercely abides by rules… will bite if prodded… holds grudges for long periods of time against certain women… likes to straighten out slinkies…
Mean. Old. Lady. So she deserved to be punished above all others. With that in mind the brush met paper again and the picture of the first female Captain was demoralised.
It was like being in a hailstorm of crumbs. Thoroughly unpleasant. Why did she let the man stand over her like that? Oh wait, subordinates were meant to stand behind their Captains. So why, she mused, had she chosen this buffoon as her Lieutenant? Had he been forced on her? Had she been in a Yoruichi-induced rage and unwittingly accepted him? Had she been drunk? It baffled the mind why he was there. Oh, it was so long ago, so long ago… the crumbs.
He coughed behind her. She desperately held in the repulsed shudder under her stoic mask. Showing weakness was unforgivable. But-but it was so disgusting! She could feel it on the back of her neck - to think that had just been in the man’s mouth! And to top things off he never ever closed his mouth while eating! He coughed again, spraying more wet crumbs down on her then returned to his bag of whatever the hell it was.
All right, that was it! Things had gone too far!
Omaeda Marechiyo started as his Captain suddenly rounded on him. He groaned; what had he done this time? He opened his mouth to voice this thought but stopped when the small woman suddenly snapped across the room. Damn! Was it some kind of trick?! He winced sympathetically, however, when she collided with the wall opposite them.
Shaking her head Soi Fong extracted herself from the wall and rose to her feet. “ What did you just do!?” she demanded of him with a bewildered tone.
“Nothing!” he replied quickly.
“Of course you did! Why else would I fly acro-” she was cut off again as another invisible force threw her across the room.
Back and forth she went like an overenthusiastic pinball around the room, ricocheting off walls. Each blow she received was accompanied by a very audible “THUMP” or “WHACK” and the like but the assailant remained perfectly hidden each time. Even her best techniques failed in the light of such a skilful attacker. Who could it possibly be?
After what felt like an eternity, but was in actuality only a few minutes, the beatings calmed to an almost non-existent state. Only the odd, faint slap across the face remained. Her body seemed covered with welts and dark bruises as she stood on wobbly legs. Much to her almost unconscious dismay she fainted.
Her Lieutenant panicked and would continue to do so for quite some time.
That’d take the meanie down a peg or two. The pink haired Lieutenant hoped the woman never actually saw the book and tracked the graffiti to her though. Those would equal several painful minutes of her life.
She nodded it off - they’d never be able to track it to her, and with that she turned to the next page;
- Ichimaru Gin - Third Division Captain -
Ah, the first of only a few Captains who would actually humour her. Though from how the man had treated her the other day that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. He’d thrown her Frisbee over two whole Divisions for her to fetch then commented upon her return how he’d always wanted a cute little pink puppy to play with. After she’d bitten him (hard) he’d then mentioned he didn’t like little yappy, snappy puppies then destroyed her Frisbee and left.
His personality page also furthered her suspicions; smirks a lot… possibly addicted to toothpaste… not allowed near playgrounds… on the ‘Shinigami Neighbourhood Watch List’…weird…
So, for that little discrepancy he deserved to be punished thoroughly.
Annoying as it was. It was no wonder the Third Division was one of - if not the - most unpredictable Divisions when their Captain kept messing with their psyches 24/7. If one more person commented on how he constantly frowned while his Captain constantly smiled, he’d… ugh.
Emotionally damaged. They all were. Everyone was aware of it, only… too damaged to ever speak up.
That said, Kira could feel himself beginning to crack. He’d been passive aggressive about their paperwork, tried pleading, but his Captain could always outplay him with the old ‘puppy-dog eyes’ routine… he still didn’t get how that worked exactly…
Enough was enough, he thought as the door to the Third office looked back at him. Clenching his hand into a fist and taking a deep calming breath he put on his best ‘angry’ face and burst in the door.
“Taichou!” he hollered as loud as a Kira could. The Captain was still face down on his desk and he had to be careful not to be too pushy - last time he’d shouted his Captain had hidden from him for two days.
Hmmm, definitely asleep this time. He would have instantly lost his precarious nerve to continue his charade had it not been obvious his Captain had actually moved while he’d been gone. Had moved. Had moved to find and put on some ridiculous fox ears. So, he didn’t have time for paperwork yet he had time from dress-up?
Kira snapped.
He picked up the big pile of scrolls then dropped them loudly near the shinigami’s head. Ichimaru jerked back the instant they came crashing down. He looked around with what one could assume were bleary eyes then focused on the only blonde in the room.
“Tha’ was’n very nice, Izuru…”
“You’re lucky. I was aiming for your head,” Kira blurted before he could cover his mouth. He blanched as the taller man walked over to him, only then noticing the whiskers and tail. That was some getup.
Ichimaru watched the blonde stare at him. “Wha’ ya lookin’ at…?” He turned around to look behind himself then turned back with a confused tilt of the head.
“Arrhg, taichou!” With an stressed scream Kira ripped out the whiskers from one side of his Captain’s face; then watched in horror as the man seemingly lost his balance and dropped to the floor. “They’re real!” he shrieked as the realisation hit him.
Ichimaru threw on a hurt expression while he rubbed his face from the floor. Kira fell into a squat near the man, gesturing his hands above his head, an obvious shame induced blush covering his checks. He watched as his Captain mimicked him only to find the ears and followed Kira’s other gestures to find the tail and what were left of some whiskers.
“Uwah! Oh, great, now I’m gonna be walkin’ ‘round in circles…” Ichimaru figured from the missing whiskers, despite the fact he couldn’t even balance long enough to stand let alone walk.
“I’m so sorry, taichou!” Kira practically cried while helping his Captain back to his desk. “I-I’ll go get help! Maybe Fourth can do something - or Twelfth! They deal with weird things like this!” Honestly, who spouted animal appendages randomly? He set his Captain down -
“Ow!”
“What? What is it, taichou!?”
“Sat on m’ tail…”
- Unohana Retsu - Fourth Division Captain -
This was certainly a case of “Never Judge a Book By It’s Cover” as she was fairly certain the medical Captain had a vendetta against any and all shinigami who fell into her care.
Why else would she give them poison?
Sure, Unohana could pass off the liquid as ‘medicine’ but Yachiru knew the truth behind the ploy! Unohana was trying to take over Soul Society one shinigami at a time! Her poison tasted like earwax anyway - and Yachiru knew what that tasted like.
Her personality page, however, mentioned no such thing, as was to be expected; quiet, quaint and petite… extremely well-spoken… possibly has a secret science lab below Division grounds… beware of Dark Hana… like lollies…
Dark Hana was reason enough why Yachiru didn’t dare do anything to deface the image. It may have only been an image, but it was still mega scary! So, with that she moved onto her next victim;
- Aizen Sosuke - Fifth Division Captain -
Aizen was nice generally, Yachiru thought, but his Lieutenant had that nasty habit of making those playdates with Hitsugaya. It was a tough choice whether to deface his profile or not… he did give her sweets, but then he was like the leader of all those who didn’t give her any respect. Humph. And even when he did show her respect at meetings and so forth then it was so forced and sweet it made her teeth drop out. But she did love those sweets…
She decided to read over his personality page to decide for her; gentle and caring… wears stupid glasses…spends inconspicuous amounts on hair gel… wears his haori like an old man…has stupid glasses…
Yes, he deserved to be punished just for the glasses alone! She whipped the bush across his image to draw on a crude giant nose and thick moustache…
And why shouldn’t he look important? He was the strongest Captain of all the Divisions (even if no one knew so yet) and he could easily put his fist down Yamamoto’s throat and pull out his spleen to show him whilst he died. Or he could stick his foot so far up Kuchiki’s arse he could kick the man’s tonsils out.
Such thoughts were entertaining and brought a sadistic smile to his lips that people would interpret as a gentle, heart-warming expression. He didn’t understand how people saw that (especially when he wasn’t even using Kyouka) so it was best to just roll with what people gave you. Aizen considered himself very generous that way.
He turned his deceptively pleasant smile on his lieutenant as she came running over. “Aizen-taichou! Have you come to see how well we’re doing?”
Ah, Hinamori. Ever the optimist. “Of course, Hinamori-fukutaichou. You’re all doing a splendid job.”
The girl beamed at him, her pride swelling before she slumped and put a hand to her mouth. “Taichou, we’ve been seeing some other Division members sneaking around though…”
“Oh yes?” he decided to play dumb. “Well, maybe they’ve come to admire the show we’re putting on.”
“No, taichou! It’s not like that,” Hinamori whispered urgently and ushered some other people closer. “Matsuri, who did you see lurking around?”
“I saw Ichimaru-taichou lurking around a few days ago, and he looked too happy,” the blonde whispered nervously.
Aizen waved the man off. “Ichimaru’s always around here, and he’s always happy, always smiling - sometimes to make myself feel better I pretend he’s retarded.”
“But, taichou!” Hinamori pressed, “yesterday I saw Ukitake-taichou wandering around too!”
“Haha, Hinamori,” he said ‘lovingly’, “I hardly feel anyone can think Ukitake-taichou suspicious.” He’d have to learn the man’s secrets on that matter. “Don’t fret so. We’ll deal with anything that may arise when and if it does.”
That settled it! He’d have to pay a visit to the Thirteenth and Third Divisions and knock the Captains around the room… in two entirely different ways. He’d be damned if he came second again! Fourth had been winning the competition for the past fifty years and he wasn’t sure about the other Divisions, but he was sick of it. Especially when it was clear who was superior in all aspects of life, death and the afterlife!
That’d be Aizen, by the way. We’ll have no confusion on that.
Besides, it wasn’t fair! He worked so hard when he could just use an illusion… actually, one year he had used an illusion but still Fourth had won. Damnit, someone needed a zanpaktou that could control people directly, not in his round-a-bout way. Or maybe, Yamamoto was just a really, really bad judge. If Tousen weren’t biased to him he’d have him do it - at least that way they’d have a completely impartial judge. But… that was stupid. Along with Eleventh, Tousen’s Division always came last.
He shook his head to dispel such infantile thoughts and refused to pout. Sweeping past Hinamori after patting her head, he continued his walk of the gardens, scowling down at the backs of those he deemed not working hard enough. One day he hoped to set one alight just by glaring.
It was good to have aspirations. Although he’d once made the mistake of asking what his comrades’ aspirations were and suffice to say; they’d scared the hell out of him. Who would’ve imagined Tousen could be so descriptive?
He wandered further along the pebbled path and away from the fountain and the irritating trickle it constantly made, across a large patch of wild flowers he’d ordered be left alone - a bit or natural beauty was good for the soul (and competition) amongst all the manmade flower displays. He chuckled to himself, an oxymoron. He cracked himself up sometimes.
All the flowers stunk though, ugh. When he was ruling Soul Society he’d have no flowers around at all. In fact, if he could have his dream location it’d be in a desolate desert free from living beings and their stupidity - though he guessed he’d still have Gin and Tousen tagging along no matter where he went.
He took in a heavy irritated sigh, surprising himself by sneezing violently afterward. Shaking his head he suddenly realised the stench of the flowers had intensified vastly. Oh, fantastic. What had Hinamori done to them now? He turned around to call her over.
At first she trotted over happily, but slowed and grew more and more confused with each step towards him. “Taichou?”
She looked at him and he looked at her. She looked at him confused and he looked at her expectantly. They both stared with their patented expressions. “Hinamori-fukutaichou, what have you just done?”
She continued to stare at him. Since when had her Captain had such a sense of humour to impulsively put on a novelty set of thick glasses (the same as his normal ones of course, because she knew he was a dork), a fake bulbous nose and thick bushy moustache? And to keep a serious face on top of that was genius. Her Captain was amazing!
Aizen turned horrified as his Lieutenant doubled over laughing. He inhaled to shout at her, but caught himself on a sneeze.
And what a sneeze it was. Another sneeze followed that, then another and another. Yet more came after those and on their tail even more. By the time he’d stopped he was only vaguely aware of where he was and completely unaware of how he was even standing, tears welling in his eyes.
And still Hinamori laughed at his plight. He was so confused.
Though, that sudden sneezing near her had surprised her, but she’d hidden her squeak well and laid low till it had stopped and silence had reigned again. All was well.
With a big grin she flipped the page only to scowl at the next image.
- Kuchiki Byakuya - Sixth Division Captain -
It was a weird face to make when facing Kuchiki - she wanted to squeal and scowl… was there such thing as a ‘sqowl’? She thought not. He was outright mean to her but he was so cute! But he was like that with everyone she’d noticed, so she guessed she shouldn’t feel so bad… but still!
She read his personality page to find out if he actually had one; NO INFORMATION COLLECTED
So basically he didn’t have a personality… she ‘sqowled’ at that then took brush in hand to graffiti his page.
Once again he’d been ‘dismissed’ from the office to do his paperwork and he was trying to remain nonchalant and as inconspicuous as possible about that. But, it was an incredibly hard thing to do when one’s desk was out in a public hallway; and when one’s desk took up the whole width of said hallway.
And when his own Division members had to climb over the desk and himself to get past. Literally.
They tried to avert their gaze as he fiddled with some leaves of paper. Didn’t work so well, he noted, as he desperately held back the vicious flush from his face. It would be best not to turn the colour of his hair.
He sighed as another pair of shinigami Sixth Division members clambered over him - one using the back of his head as a foothold. When he was Captain he’d never treat his subordinates in such a demeaning way. No. No, the only requirement he’d issue were the necessity of completely random tattoos.
Because he was Abarai Renji; and he liked tattoos.
Although, if he were completely honest with himself… he wasn’t actually sure were his tattoos kept coming from. He’d just wake up in the morning and discover a new zebra-like scrawl across his skin! At first he’d assumed someone was pulling a trick on him (several names came immediately to mind) but after a week or two none had faded, yet more had appeared!
Then he’d considered it a rare (and stylish) form of skin affliction. A disease of some sort? But he didn’t feel sick, or itchy (Soi Fong itched a lot - maybe she had the same problem but on a smaller scale. He’d have to ask), neither did he-
“Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, Abarai-fukutaichou! I didn’t mean to-”
Abarai waved the woman off as she’d slipped over his shoulder to land in a heap on his desk. She scampered off quickly while he cleared his throat loudly. Now, were was he? … oh, crap! He couldn’t remember. Something about… his Captain being a bastard. There! That was a good word! A prissy bastard. Yes, that’d do.
Now all he had to do was make some posters. No! No, best not… what was he thinking? No way in hell he could get away with that.
Damn his Captain making him sit out in the hall. Was the man angry because he had longer hair? Oh well, all his paperwork was done so he could turn it in to the Captain then finally leave and hang out with Kira or someone.
He turned around in his seat to find himself at the office door immediately. After knocking politely on the frame he waited for the acceptance but came away with a cold feeling. So, once again, his Captain was ignoring him again? He couldn’t do that when there was work to be done, the prissy bastard!
… heheh, he’d have to copyright that. So smart…
But anyway! With a growl he whipped the door to the side and barged into the room. “Taichou, I-!” and immediately stopped his outburst when he realised the entire room was bathed in darkness. It wasn’t even night but all the blinds were down and all the candles snuffed out. However, from the dim light seeping in from the hallway he could make out the faint outline of his Captain’s back.
As he flipped the light switch on someone started shouting at him; “ahh! You blithering idiot! Warn people when your turnin’ on the lights!”
He stood stupefied. That wasn’t Kuchiki.
His Captain then turned around solemnly; he could see the speaker plainly now. And apparently it was the Captain’s hair ornament. One segment had a very angry look on it’s beady face.
“What ya lookin’ at, boy?” it snarled.
“W-w-wha’?” he stumbled, staring at the thing.
Suddenly another face popped up from another segment. “Noah Wei! Be nice to the child!”
“Shut your mouth, Daphne Nitly!”
“Come, along. The poor thing is obviously confused, let’s be pleasant; it’s such a nice day after all. What do you think, May Bee?” The middle segment made a non-committed noise in reply..
“W-w-w-Taichou?” he tried again.
Kuchiki sighed and motioned to his hair ornament. “Allow me to introduce Daphne Nity, May Bee and Noah Wei.” He motioned to each one respectively, “they just… came around a few minutes ago.”
Abarai stared. How could his Captain keep such a straight face and speak so evenly when his accessories were alive!? “Taichou,” he said slowly, “what’s going on?”
“None of your concern, Abarai. It will be dealt with. Now, turn in your work and leave.”
“My, God. You have terrible handwriting,” the bad-tempered segment stated as he handed his paper and scrolls over. “Yeah, go on. Sling yer hook!” it barked as he motioned to leave.
This was so wrong, he mused as he slowly left, and while he climbed over his desk to get down the hallway he was sure he heard his Captain scream followed by jeering laughter.
Deeming to leave Kuchiki well enough alone she turned the next page.
-Sajin Komamaru - Seventh Division Captain -
Komamaru sat on her once. That more than enough reason not to deface his things. Even more so than Unohana, which was saying something.
She still decided to read about his personality though; likes fuzzy things… has a great deal of morals… has good insight… likes buckets… and the beach… and sticks…?
Moving swiftly along, she came face-to-face with;
-Shunsui Kyoraku - Eight Division Captain -
She remembered what he’d told her not two days ago. Hmm. Why was it so important she grew up like Matsumoto fast, then went to him to help with his ‘little problem’?
She didn’t know what to make of the big flirt even after reading through his personality; very good fun… secretly enjoys flower arranging… flirts with everyone… has many questionable outfits… is hairy all over…
Nope, still didn’t know what to make of him, so she doodled some sloppy question marks around his head.
“Come on, Shunsui. It’s a good game,” the smile in Ukitake’s voice was almost audible. “It’s chess.” Maybe he’d picked the wrong person to play with afterall.
Kyoraku mulled it over. “How about… we play strip chess!” he said while still facing his fellow Captain but fully addressing his Lieutenant. Nanao tightened her grip on the article to sate her temper.
“No, no,” Ukitake waved his hands defensively, “that would defeat the purpose of a nice calming game that last for hours.”
“Hours!?” Kyoraku blurted then slitted his eyes to look suspiciously at the two others in the room. “Are you two trying to keep me away from something?”
“Of course not!” Ukitake said entirely too fast and with a nervous smile. Nanao continued to ignore them - she was only there for backup anyway. “Come on, I’ll let you win.”
“Not the point!” the floral-clad Captain whined. “What am I missing? Why are you keeping me here? Is it something good? Ohh, I wanna gooooo, Nanao-chaaaaan!” The Lieutenant tightened her grip on the paper even tighter as was visible as her nails cut through it and into her palms.
“Look, you just move your pawn,” he caught the look the overly-enthusiastic Captain sent him and reiterated; “pawn here.
Kyoraku snorted, “you can move your porn anywhere you want, Jushiro. I don’t mind.” No one could top his collection as far as he were concerned. Ukitake’s head hit the table. “What’s this horse for?”
“That’s a knight….”
“So, you can only move it at night then?”
“For GOD’S SAKE, Taichou!” Nanao suddenly rounded on the pair, eyes burning. “It’s a game! It involves pawns, Bishops, knights, Kings, Queens! It’s a highly intellectual game! It last for hours, days even! It’s played around the world! IT’S A GAME!”
Both Captains blinked as she came down.
“I already knew it was a game,” Kyoraku mumbled before he was knocked to the floor by vase.
Ukitake laughed light-heartedly, “good shot!”
Nanao took the praise before settling back down in her seat. For several moments they sat in silence - once smiling, one scowling, but both waiting for the flamboyant Captain to sit back up. They soon found themselves slightly disappointed (for different reasons) when the man didn’t get back up. Ukitake slowly leaned over to look down at his friend.
“Shunsui? Is everything okay?” was his question of which the answer was glaringly obvious. No, Shunsui wasn’t okay, but it still felt like the right thing to ask in such a situation. “I think he hit his head on the sideboard on the way down,” he spoke to the Lieutenant.
“Good,” Nanao huffed, but her eyes betrayed her.
Ukitake moved to lean over his friend and decided the best course of action was to splash the water from the damaged vase in the unconscious man’s face. Of course, a good slap would probably wake him up but he’d leave the physical stuff to Nanao. Best to try the water first so he upturned the vase over Kyoraku.
The man sat up abruptly, coughing and sputtering. “W-what just happened?”
“Nanao just threw a vase at you,” Ukitake explained. Apparently he had no qualms with tattling on people either.
“Why would she do that?”
“Because you were being an idiot?” Ukitake suggested through a smile. “It was either that or I was going to jam the chessboard in you.”
“Chessboard? Jam it in me? Vase? Why don’t I remember any of this? Who are you anyway?” he addressed the white haired man who looked stricken by the question. “Why am I sat on the floor?”
“Because I just threw a vase at you!” Nanao growled.
Kyoraku turned even more confused as several cartoon-y question marks popped up and bobbed about his head. “Vase? At me? Why am I dressed like this? Who are you people?”
“Shunsui,” Ukitake started slowly, waving Nanao off, “do you know who you are?”
“I’m Kyoraku Shunsui, but what I want to know is why I’m on the floor… and why my head hurts.”
Before Nanao could explode into another rage, this time about a vase, Ukitake fell into a squat near his injured friend. “You’re the taichou of the Eighth Division; a member of the Gotei 13. You remember?”
“Of course I do!”
Ukitake stood back up. “I think he’s got a mild case of amnesia, Nanao-fukutaichou,” he said in all seriousness. “We’d best take him to Fourth.”
Nanao nodded as the both stood at the man’s side to support him whether he needed it or not; her guilty expression not gone unnoticed by the Thirteenth Captain.
“I think I need a shave,” Kyoraku mentioned as he was led from the room.
- Tousen Kaname - Ninth Division Captain -
He was another of those rare breed of Captain who was nice to her. Though, he was nice to everyone, or indifferent to them. But not ‘rude’ indifferent, more sort of… in his own world, Yachiru thought. But whenever she popped up at him he was always nice and would even attempt to hold a conversation with her (of which she found mostly boring, but anyway).
In an attempt to learn more about how he worked she read his personality profile; JUSTICE
Hmm, so he liked justice then? Alrighty then, she’d keep that in mind. Onto the next person!
- Toushiro Hitsugaya - Tenth Division Captain -
He picture stood glaring back up at her. She had half a mind to draw him on a smile but too many people walking around constantly smiling would be plain creepy… more so anyway. Besides, he’d never control his Division with a look like that. Though, how did his control them in the first place?
Maybe his personality page held the answers; stern personality… doesn’t have a sense of humour… dislikes everything… hates jibes about his height… will occasionally be nice to Hinamori… dislikes you…
No surprises there, Yachiru sighed. She didn’t honestly know what to draw on him other than the smile and she’d been through that. Maybe some kitty ears? Nah, she started colouring in his zanpakutou from the back view of his image…
So much for his cool, calm, exterior. He’d let the little bout of wits get the better of him. And against a Hollow no less. Just… great.
He watched as the thing brought it’s scythe-esc hand down on more of his men and finally howled an order. “Don’t just stand there! Retreat!”
“Taichou!” his men confirmed and began pulling back immediately.
Another voice turned his head as a woman raced towards him against the flow of the Division members. “Matsumoto! What are you doing!? Retreat!”
“T-taichou,” the robust woman panted. “You can’t fight him alone - it’s madness! This Hollow even evaded Kuchiki-taichou! I‘m helping whether you like it or not.”
Hitsugaya glowered to hide his secret gratification. Well, it wasn’t as if Matsumoto couldn’t handle herself. “Fine,” he grumbled. “We have to be wary. It’s in rage and will be highly unpredictable.”
Matsumoto eyed the horrific gouge in the Hollow’s mask that ran from it’s forehead in a jagged line to draw across one eye. Hyorinmaru had certainly done a number on the thing, but been a little too clumsy and not finished the job. Instead it had thrown the beast into the throes of blind madness.
They both darted away as that same clawed hand came crashing down between them. Hitsugaya rolled to his feet as Matsumoto spun around to catch her balance as a resounding earthquake shattered the ground beneath them. The nameless Hollow screeched in it’s fury, beginning to stomp the ground with it’s grotesquely pointed feet casing more small earthquakes that shook the area.
Hitsugaya rose to his feet again. Since when had the thing been able to cause earthquakes like that?! Sure, it’s sheer size could be a contribution to such an attack, but not of such magnitude. Motioning to his lieutenant he made a swift break from the forest area they’d encountered the beast and made for the nearest and largest clearing. It would do no good to be focused on the enemy only to be squished by a falling tree, he mused.
“Alright, Matsumoto,” he started once they stood waiting for the Hollow to catch up. She nodded back at him, tightening her grip on Haineko noticeably.
“Auaahhg! How dare you! How dare you, you little midget!” the Hollow came howling upon them. “This is a face of utmost rapture! Or, it used to be…” he trailed off quietly.
The two shinigami stared at him.
“Uh, I mean-auarrrgg! How dare you!? I’ll eat you for dinner!”
The two shinigami stared at him some more.
“I-mean-not-for-dinner! Tea? How about tea? Augghh, I’ll eat you for tea!”
More general staring of bewilderment.
“Oh, sod it,” the Hollow huffed, throwing himself at the pair. Really, trying to sound threatening wasn’t exactly his thing.
Hitsugaya growled and lowered his body. He had to protect his Division! He hadn’t known they were so damn slow at retreating that he’d caught them up in his own attempt to lure the huge Hollow from the forest. Really, he’d have to have a strict word with them or, at least, make them complete five laps around Rukongai.
He could feel their eyes on him as he reached for Hyorinmaru. The strange Hollow drew closer and closer and he inched his zanpakutou from it’s sheath - once the thing was close enough he only had to draw to a close the wound on it’s mask to finish it off. At the extreme last second, amongst at the Hollow’s wailing and shrieking, he draw Hyorinmaru free to cleave the beast in two; he held his blade forward to see…
“A banana!?” he howled indignantly.
“A banana!?” his division echoed as Matsumoto tackled him to the floor and free of the massive bulk that would’ve otherwise flattened him… not that he wasn’t otherwise flattened by other bulks, but whatever. A banana!?
“A banana!?” Matsumoto whispered to him from the floor.
“A banana!?” he hissed with disbelief whilst examining what Hyorinmaru had become. He could hear the pained embarrassed voice of his zanpakutou reverberating around his head.
“A banana!?” the Hollow hurled with laughter.
She giggled knowing who’d be in the next image.
- Zaraki Kenpachi - Eleventh Division Captain -
Ken-chan!
How could she possibly deface his image? Well, she could quite easily if she were feeling that way inclined, but alas, today she wasn’t. Today she was extracting her revenge on the Captains who were mean to her and Ken-chan hardly fell into that category.
She absent mindedly scribbled on his image as she read though about his personality, but she knew it all already so it didn’t settle in her brain. After she’d finished skimming the page covered in scrawled, handwritten writing she looked back at the image to see she’d made his hair look like one giant fan. Each separate spike of hair had a flap connecting it - it was a crude fan but one nonetheless.
“You have blonde hair, that’s a great start! But, green eyes? Where did you go wrong?” a familiar voice said with a merrily-whiney tone.
“I can’t help it, I was born this way!” the other voice flat-out whined.
“Blue is a very natural colour,” the other continued. “Even my hair has a delightful azure shine. Maybe you should consider contacts?”
“Is it really that important?”
Zaraki tilted an eyebrow as a loud ‘SLAP’ echoed around the rooms. Silence followed by a fair bit of pathetic whimpering. Was that one of his Division members making such noises? Surely not. If it were, well, he’d have to kill the useless weed. He shrugged - at least it’d give him something to do on a Sunday afternoon.
“Do you not understand the basic rules of narcissism? Rule number one: If you have blonde hair, you have blue eyes. It’s common knowledge!”
“Y-yes, sorry… whatever you think’s best…”
“Tsk, whatever am I to do with you, Matsuri?” the superior voice purred.
Who the fuck was Matsuri? But at least it was easy to figure out the other voice belonged to Yumichika. Seriously, if no one could figure out who he was just from his choice of speaking subject they were fucking stupid and deserved to die…
“But your hair is so soft, Matsuri-chan! Whatever do you use?”
The other voice practically giggled. “It’s coconut milk extract, and it smells just spiffy for days afterwards!”
“I’ll have to try that,” Yumichika replied with an excited tone. “I usually use lavender oil but it’s a trifle pain to obtain these days.”
“If you come ‘round to the Fifth Division I’ll get you some!” Zaraki could hear the Matsuri person jump to their feet. “I have to keep it hidden or Hinamori-fukutaichou would nab it all. You know I grow lavender in the Division gardens.”
“Oh, Matsuri-chan! I thought you’d never ask!”
Zaraki ground his teeth as his patience dwindled away amongst all the girly squealing and giggling and he distinctively heard the pair suddenly hug. He didn’t give a shit about the strange blonde invading his Division, but Yumichika had to be justly punished for his behaviour… that and Zaraki just really needed something to do.
“What. The. Fuck?” he barged in the room, catching the two mid-hug. They stared back at him like deer startled under his metaphorical headlights. He stared back and repeated his previous statement.
Yumichika immediately withdrew. “Do you know who this is, taichou?” he asked while indicating his friend.
“A pussy?”
“No, well, yes… but this is my disciple, Matsuri Koibi!” The blonde waved weakly after his attempted salute failed miserably as Yumichika introduced him. “He’s got a lot to learn and who better to teach than moi?”
Where was Ikkaku when you needed him? “Got out,” Zaraki ground out at the pair. The blonde wasted no time in scurrying from the room, but Zaraki was more stricken by how Yumichika remained to his spot chuckling quietly to himself.
Slowly and with as much nonchalance a living being could bare, Yumichika strode from the room. He would have to be punished. Severely. A sudden “poink” registered to his senses and he whipped around to see what atrocity the Fifth Seat had just committed but found himself alone the room. Strange.
“Hmmm,” he rumbled and risked the danger of running a hand through his hair - only his fingers couldn’t make it past the flaps.
Wait. Flaps?
- Kurotsuchi Mayuri - Twelfth Division Captain -
Of course the entirety of the Gotei Thirteen were freaks of assorted levels, but Kurotsuchi had to make top of the list… if there were one. She was sure someone had to be keeping one, and if not, then she’d have to start one herself. She could hold a big competition around it; it’d be so fun! But, yes, Kurotsuchi.
He was weird full stop. His hat looked like a demented teapot and she thought he must’ve gotten his chin stuck in a shot glass and couldn’t shake it loose. What was there to read in his personality page; generally weird and creepy… likes to ‘black up’ despite numerous protests… admires Gundam technology… possibly sterile…?
But his appearance reminded her of one of those Western instruments. You blew into one end and it made a ‘HOOOONK’ noise… a trumpet? That was the one! She blew into her hand trying to imitate the noise then wrote the noise down in a speech bubble coming from the image.
“The cloth, girl, the cloth!” he snarled at the trim young lady stood behind him. The instant he spoke she darted the cloth across his forehead.
“Kurotsuchi-san, we still don’t know what this is for,” one of the other people present motioned to the body lying across the operating table. “What is it exactly?”
Mayuri shook his head. Did minions really have to know such details? “It is a gigai used to detect undetectable gigais,” he murmured as he probed deeper into the body.
The other man stuttered on his words, “is that even possible? I mean; they’re undetectable gigais. I-it’s what they do.”
“Is there a problem with that?” he deadpanned the scientist.
“Well, no, not really. Maybe… yes. I mean, Urahara-san couldn‘t even make something like tha-”
“That’s enough! If such a subject truly fascinates you so then we can discuss it afterwards. Right now, you need to concentrate! I’ve been working on this entirely too long, and will not have you inept interns wrecking my experiments. Silence now and work!” They wouldn’t be discussing it afterwards, Mayuri chuckled lightly. He’s have the boy killed if he continued to show such disrespect.
Oh, damnit! That chuckle had knocked his hand of course. Blood was escaping a vital valve. Okay, it wasn’t actually a valve - he just liked saying that word.
Valve.
He couldn’t actually see where the blood was coming from, damnit! Hahah, valve - no! Focus! My God, if anyone were to get in his head they’d be severely surprised by the thoughts that passed through.
“Imbeciles!” He hollered, “useless imbeciles!” The vitals on the body were jumping from one extreme to the other, all the monitors in the room were beeping, the red light on the ceiling was flashing…yes, that one was annoying. Why had he put it in again? He wasn’t blind!
Thankfully, Akon came to his rescue (though he’d never admit that - he was the best after all!). The no-eye-browed freak frowned (though it was difficult to tell) and shoved his hand into the body. Mayuri considered that but nodded with satisfaction as the weirdo got down to his elbow and all the vitals returned to normal. There was a reason he was one of the best (another thing Mayuri wouldn’t admit)!
He could hear Nemu sigh with relief behind him and resisted the urge to slap her. Really, why couldn’t he resist hitting her? It was so fun! Besides, he was a mad scientist - he had to have something fun to do at work!
Refusing to outwardly acknowledge Akon, he continued with his exploration of the foreign body. Now he had to be extremely careful; any number more than three mistakes in operation could dethrone himself as ‘The Best’ and he would not stand for that!
Aha! That small blockage in the ventricular valve (haha, valve) had to go. “Nemu!” he snapped, holding his hand out impatiently. She wasted no time in handing him the desired implement. “Now, everyone watch an-HOOOONK!”
Everyone gathered around the table jumped as their Captain lurched back from the sudden noise, ripping the body beyond repair as blood spouted and spewed everywhere. They rushed around in well choreographed panic trying to revive the body.
“Silence!” Mayuri howled causing them all to freeze. “I demand to kno-HOOOONK!” He fell back to cover his mouth.
“Father?” Nemu mover closer to the man as he practically cowered. Why was he making such noises. It was… obscene. Should she be making such noises too?
“HOOOONK!”
“Hoooonk,” she tried it but it didn’t seem to have the same impact as her father’s. It just didn’t feel… natural to her.
He glared at her. “Nem-HOOOONK!”
- Jushiro Ukitake - Thirteenth Division Captain -
Possibly the nicest person be ever be born, die and reborn again! She just couldn’t get enough of the sweets he gave her and the little stories he told, and to top things off his two seated members always entertained her in their own oblivious, strange way! Her grin threatened to split her face. No way she could deface anything to do with the older Shiro-chan!
Not needing to know anymore than she already did about such a nice person she turned the page again to discover she’d made it through the entire thing and only those note pages, mentioned by the author, were left. Maybe she should write her thoughts on the book in them?
No, it was better not to leave behind and obvious evidence. The actual drawings in the book could have come from anyone since arts and craft wasn’t exactly a specialty in Soul Society.
Flopping over onto her side she sighed contentedly.
‘My face hurts’, ‘I can’t si' down, m' tail gets in the way’, ‘this room smells’, ‘I don’t know where I am’, ‘HOOOONK!’
It was driving her up the wall. And it wasn’t like she could drop them on some lower Division members either, not when they all had such strange symptoms and were Captains; and as Captains they expected only Unohana herself to treat them.
So instead of giving them some of her infamous earwax flavoured poison to dispose of them she called for a Captain’s meeting, and was pleased/horrified to find the General with similar inflictions as he ordered the urgent meeting.
Thus all thirteen Captains gathered together in the room with only one chair (READ: throne) that Yamamoto occupied, despite other Captain’s clearly needing it more.
“So, let us recap,” the General started. “Second is being assaulted constantly by an invisible foe, Third had suddenly sprouted fox limbs, Fifth has an obscene nose and moustache combo, Sixth has talking ornaments, Eighth has amnesia Tenth has a banana, Eleventh has a fan and Twelfth has a speech impediment?”
The Captains nodded.
“An’ you smell,” Ichimaru pointed out.
“Yes, thank you,” Yamamoto glared. “Fourth, Seventh and Ninth are the only Divisions that have remained problem free?”
The Captains nodded again.
“It’d better get damn well fixed soon!” Zaraki blared. “I can’t even go outside in the wind! It keeps blowing me back in!”
“You don’t know the meaning of wind, whelp!” Noah Wei shouted from Kuchiki’s head.
“What the fuck do you know!?” Zaraki growled back at the thing. “Take that damn thing off, Kuchiki!”
Kuchiki shook his head. “I cannot do that. I am a noble and as such-”
“Oh, not this crap again!” Zaraki rumbled, crossing his arms.
“It seems we all ha-HOOOONK!”
“Stop with the HONKING!” Soi Fong shouted up at the Twelfth Captain. “Do you have any idea how annoying it is?”
“It can’t be any-HOOOONK- more annoying than watching y-HOOOONK- fly across the room!” Mayuri scowled back at the woman to be rewarded as she suddenly received another smack that jerked her back a little.
“Taichous!” Yamamoto yelled.
“If you took it off you could piss off!” Zaraki continued his tirade with the Sixth Captain.
“We’re not going anywhere, pal!” Noah Wei growled back.
“I don’t know where I am!”
“Everyone stop shoutin‘! I’ve got four ears!”
“Taichous!”
“May I leave? I can’t bear the smell any longer!”
“How would you like me to knock you across the room!?” Soi Fong threatened.
Mayuri smirked, “You couldn’t knock a gigai across the room!”
“This is pathetic,” the strained voice of Hitsugaya could be heard under the uproar.
“TAICHOUS!” Everyone stopped dead as Yamamoto howled and the smell burst from him in waves. They all covered their noses but even with his covered Aizen still felt woozy. “I will not have you behaving in such a way!”
There were several murmured apologies as he took them all in. What a sight.
As was normal with such meetings they all stood on either side of the room in two lines facing each other, however he noticed Ichimaru had to lean on Aizen lest he fall, and Aizen himself didn’t look too peachy. Kyoraku was clinging to Ukitake like his life depended on it as he kept mumbling about being in a strange place. Hitsugaya looked exceptionally angry with a giant yellow banana strapped to his back; Kuchiki may have looked calm but the three beings alive on his head ornament where hardly as quiet. The audible beating noises announced Soi Fong had just been attacked again as she jerked about and Kurotschi seemed normal but the moment he opened his mouth it was like a foghorn. The other Captains stood around trying not to stare too obviously - although Unohana looked like she wanted to kill each and every one of them.
“What I would like to know is what we’re going to do about it,” Komamaru interjected.
“Yes,” Tousen agreed. “Something similar could happen to any of us at any moment.”
“We have to act fast.”
Yamamoto nodded to them all. “Yet we cannot jump into something dangerous. Obviously the person or persons behind this have some highly advanced science; our best course would be to proceed with the utmost caution.”
“Whatever,” Zaraki mumbled. “If I find the bastard I’m gonna tear ‘im a new…”
“Alright! Taichous, you are to search your Division grounds with a fine comb and toothpick to begin with. When you are positive you have led a competent search report back here. If you find the culprit then apprehend him as carefully as possible. Understood?”
Everyone present nodded. He wasn’t convinced.
“Who still doesn’t understand?”
It wasn’t a surprise to see Kyoraku timidly raise his hand as the question marks around him bobbed more. Yamamoto dropped his head in his hands as several other Captains groaned.
“First, we search for the culprit,” Unohana started.
“Then we apprehend the culprit,” Hitsugaya continued.
“An’ culprit goes bye-bye,” Ichimaru finished.
The clueless man rubbed his chin, “I-I still don’t get it…”
“It’s very simple,” Aizen began to explain in the nasally voice the massive nose rendered him with. “We look for the individual doing this, we arrest them, and as Gin said, we execute them. Simple.”
“It’s okay,” Ukitake told all those gathered, “I’ll explain it thoroughly.” The General almost broke a smile of gratitude to his favourite student.
Ichimaru leaned in closer to Aizen from the shoulder he was keeping himself up by. “Aizen-sama, don’ call me ‘Gin’ in public; ‘m a taichou now…” he whispered.
“Maybe to everyone else,” Aizen replied offhandedly.
“I am!”
“Don’t throw a hissy fit, Gin.”
“’m not throwin’ a hissy fit!” Ichimaru practically shrieked.
Everyone in the room stopped their own conversations to stare at him, startled expressions on all including Hitsugaya and Tousen (Komamaru didn’t count… y’know, the bucket and all?). He stared back with a slight frown before they instantaneously burst back into a horrendous orgy of an argument again.
Yamamoto facepalmed.
Yachiru isn’t a very descriptive child, really. And Kira is so whipped it’s amazing. Plus, Gin being possibly addicted to toothpaste (peppermint flavour) is sorta an in-joke with a friend - but ya can get the general gist of him needing nice teeth with all the smiling… I also have nothing against Byakuya, but he’s just too prissy to not make fun off. Tis all in good fun, people, haha!
I, uh, also know nothing about science so Mayuri’s part was hilarious to write from my ignorant perspective (laughs)!
Plus! Now I’ve finished my summer job I can update more and finally get round to reading/reviewing some other fics, awesome!
NEXT CHAPTER: Day four continues as the Divisions set out to find the culprit and the answers to why said individual is doing all this!
And if you read this fic and you’re a nice person you’d leave a review on ya way out. If ya don’t then you’re mean and Yachiru will have to punish you :C
