Wow, I’m sorry for the lack of updating! This is fairly long, I guess, and I’ll try to update soon, because I really want to use the ideas people gave me! Like an X-Man/Van Helsing face-off! That would be totally wicked! I keep meaning to add Ari and The Princess Bride peoples, but I have yet to do so.

Okay, this scene brings back a few of our old friends, as well as semi-introduces some semi-new ones.

Just a warning, this is really, really random. Like really random.

In case you don’t catch it, watch out for “West Side Story”. We have a bit of a cameo from that, along with Juliet from the original, if you get my drift…

Much love!

SeA

Scene 7: Ninja Gecko, Trigger-Happy Ronald, And Even More Cheeseburgers

ANAKIN: Oh, right. I knew that.

ANAMARIA: Of course you did. And I’m the bloody King of England.

TOTAL: (bows low) Your Highness, I did not know…

FANG: (nudges Total) Dude, that was sarcasm.

Pause.

PIPPIN: What’s a…a…cheez bugger?

NUDGE: (gapes) You don’t know what a cheeseburger is? Ohmigod, what’s wrong with these people? I mean, come on, a) that was totally random, and b) who hasn’t heard of a cheeseburger?!

PIPPIN: (stands up) Oh yea?! Well…I…uh…I bet you’ve never gotten knocked out with an apple, have you? Huh? Huh?! HUH?!

MERRY: Sit, doggie. Good doggie. Down.

Pippin sits slowly, lower lip trembling.

PORTER: I…uh…have an idea… (grabs phone and dials number) Hello, McDonalds? Yes I’d like to order…(glances around rooms, counting heads)…thirty-seven…no, wait…(holds phone away from mouth) VAN HELSING! ANNA! CARL!

Characters come running in, all prepared to fight…with Carl hiding behind Van Helsing and Anna.

VAN HELSING: Yes? What do you want?!

PORTER: Cheeseburger?

ANNA: Huh?

PORTER: I’ll take that as a yes…here, take a seat by the Flock, please.

Van Helsing and gang sit down were indicated.

PORTER: (turns back to phone) Alright, yea, make that forty, no, forty-six, no…forty-nine…I wonder if the Gieko Geko wants one…oh well, yea, I want forty-nine BigMacs, everything on them, fries, Cokes with all of them. Thanks, bye! (hangs up)

NUDGE: Whoa—you’ve, like, memorized McDonald’s number!

VOICE: Uh, Kitty—

PORTER: Oh, so now we’re on a first-name basis, huh?

VOICE: Did you even give them the address?

PORTER: This is Ronald McDonald we’re talking about here; he can read minds, duh! Why’d you think he had the big red fro, anyways?! Some people, yeesh.

J. NORRINGTON: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

JACK: Beats me.

Suddenly girl skips into room, a half-finished dress clutched to herself.

GIRL SKIPPING: I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and gay!

Continues to skip out of room as everyone stares at her in shock.

Suddenly a man runs into the studio, a hand over his heart.

MAN WITH HAND CLUTCHING HIS HEART: Mar-ria! Mar-ria!

Runs out of room.

PORTER: Well that was…weird…

JACK THE MONKEY: Not that bad.

Everyone turns to stare at him.

JACK THE MONKEY: Well, I’m not saying I’d like to marry the girl or anything, but she was actually quite pretty…

PORTER: He did not just say that.

DOG WITH THE KEYS: I must say, the private’s got good taste.

TOTAL: Pri-mate. Say it with me. Pri-mate. Not parsley. Not parley. Not private. Pri-mate.

GAZZY: This place is going to the dogs, man!

PORTER: You’re trying to tell me something with that, aren’t you?

Suddenly a girl runs into the room, somewhat out of breath, glancing around quickly. Her brown hair is in disarray, and her innocent eyes wide.

JULIET: Oh Romeo, Oh Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? (looks at Han) Romeo!

HAN: Huh?

JULIET: Oh Romeo, oh Romeo!

HAN: Wait, I’m not—

LEIA: ROMEO?!

HAN: Leia, it’s not what you—

JULIET: Oh, Romeo, thy loveth thee!

HAN: WHAT?! I’M NOT YOUR DAMN ROMEO!!!

LEIA: HHHHHHAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAN: Leia! It’s not what you think, I—

Leia slaps Han.

HAN: Ah!

Han jumps up as Juliet tries to hug him and begins to run around. Suddenly, he dives into the studio audience, where he begins to get beaten by different ladies purses.

HAN: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PIPPIN: Who are they?

PORTER: Our live studio audience.

LUKE: Wow, you have a live studio audience?!

PORTER: Well yea. (glances at live studio audience, then stares at them harder) Hmm. They were alive—I mean, that’s what it said on the advertisement! Guess I need to go back and order a new one.

LUKE: So…Han’s getting beaten up by…dead people?

JACK: (calls out to Han) Oh! I feel for ye, mate! Happens to me all the time! Just don’t let them—

One lady slaps Han hard, sending him flying back into another girl, who in turn slaps him as well.)

JACK: …do that.

Juliet stares at Han for a moment as he is attacked my multiples of girls, before finally shrugging and turning back to other characters.

JULIET: (musingly) Who needs Romeo when you have…ORLANDO BLOOM?!

LEGOLAS AND WILL: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JULIET: (turns around) EWAN MCGREGOR!

OBI-WAN: Ah! No! (backs up against wall) No! Don’t hurt me!

Juliet walks slowly toward him, evil grin on face.

OBI-WAN: No, I—!

TALKING ELMO DOLL IN OBI-WAN’S BACK-POCKET: ELMO LOVES YOU!

Everyone turns to look at Obi-Wan, thinking he’s the one that said it. Juliet stops walking

Obi-Wan backs against wall again, this time mouthing the words.

TALKING ELMO DOLL IN OBI-WAN’S BACK-POCKET: ELMO LOVES YOU!

Everyone stares at him, and Juliet begins to back away slowly.

Obi-Wan hits wall again, mouthing words.

TALKING ELMO DOLL IN OBI-WAN’S BACK-POCKET: ELMO LOVES—!

OBI-WAN: YOU!

Juliet runs off screaming and waving her hands in the air.

JULIET: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OBI-WAN: MWAHAHA! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ANAKIN: It’s okay, Master—

OBI-WAN: No! Not again! Don’t you dare take my Elmo! Never again! NEVER!

FANG: Obi, you better listen to him, or he’ll come after you and beat you up with his man-purse!

ANAKIN: (turns to look at Fang) Oh no you didn’t!

PORTER: Are you gonna take that Ani? Huh?

ANAKIN: (to Fang) I’ll beat you up with my man purse!

Suddenly the lights go out and it becomes pitch black inside. Everyone screams, and from various places in the room you hear (amidst the shrieks of terror):

LORD CUTLER BECKETT: THERE’S AFTER ME! NO!!! THEY’LL NEVER CATCH ME! NEVER!

JAR-JAR BINKS: Mesa needsa HELP!

TALKING ELMO DOLL IN OBI-WAN’S BACK-POCKET: ELMO LOVES YOU!

Out of no where, the James Bond theme starts to play. Lights suddenly come back on, and you see the Geico Gecko holding onto a rope hanging from the ceiling in the center of the room, holding a Barbie-size machine gun.

GIECO GECKO: (cocks gun) Party’s over.

ELIZABETH: I can’t breathe!

WILL: Elizabeth!

PORTER: Gecko! Put. The gun. Down.

GIECO GECKO: NEVER! I got a license to kill, baby!

FANG: Okay, Max, this is bad.

MAX: No kiddin’!

GIECO GECKO: PREPARE TO DIE, CRAZY PEOPLE! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHA!

Suddenly the door burst open, and Ronald McDonald is standing there, a GINORMOUS machine gun in his hand.

RONALD MCDONALD: (does hair-flick out of eyes) The thoughts her have been a bit…worrisome lately. Thought I might…(cocks gun)…check up on things. (sees Gieco Gecko) You.

GIECO GECKO: You.

There is a moment of brief silence, before Ronald McDonald says:

RONALD MCDONALD: It’s been a long time.

GIEKO GECKO: Not long enough.

RONALD MCDONALD: You won’t escape me this time!

GIEKO GECKO: I won’t need to! (tosses gun over shoulder and ties small black scarf around head) You know why? Because I’m a—

Gieco Gecko suddenly lets go of rope and somersaults and flips through air majestically.

He lands on two feet, hands in air in traditional Kung-Fu stance.

GIEKO GECKO: Ninja!

JACK THE MONKEY: (has own scarf wrapped around head) NINJA POW-WA!

STUDIO RADIO: (music) EVERYONE ONE WAS KUNG-FU FI-IGHTING!

Jack the Monkey (Ninja) flips through air, about to land right in front of Gieco Gecko, but Porter, who has moved imbetween the two, snaps hand up, and Jack he Monkey (Ninja) hits it and falls to floor.

PORTER: NO GUNS IN MY STUDIO!!!

Ronald McDonald suddenly shoots his hand out and slams it on Gieco Gecko’s tail. Gieco Gecko shrieks and runs off, shouting:

GIEKO GECKO: I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!

There’s a moment of silence.

JACK THE MONKEY: Ronald McDonald, you’re my hero!

FANG: Wow.(turns to Max) Max, in case we die here, there’s something I need to tell you—

MAX: Yes?

TALKING ELMO DOLL IN OBI-WAN’S BACK-POCKET: ELMO LOVES YOU!

RONALD MCDONALD: El…Elmo?

TALKING ELMO DOLL IN OBI-WAN’S BACK POCKET: (pokes head out) Ronald?! Oh Ronald, I love you!

Talking Elmo Doll and Ronald McDonald run toward each other and have tearful reunion.

OBI-WAN: (stares at talking Elmo doll) IT’S ALIVE! ALIVE I TELL YOU!!! THE TALKING ELMO DOLL IS ALIVE!!!

TALKING ELMO DOLL: Gosh,get it right! I am a talking, singing, AND dancing Elmo doll! (starts doing the Robot) Nar-nar-nar-nar! Nar-nar! Nar-nar! Nar-nar! Can’t touch this! Duh-duh! Nar-nar-nar-nar! Nar-nar! Nar-nar! Nar-nar! Can’t touch this!

VOICE: We’ll be right back after these commercial breaks.

PORTER: Yo, Ronny, by the way—where’s our cheeseburgers?

RONALD MCDONALD: I…uh…

IGGY:Everybody duck!

BA-BA-BA-BOOM!!!

PORTER: That…was…FREAKING AWESOME!!!

•••

Hey, what would ya’ll think if I titled the next one “The Love Affair Between Ronald McDonald and the Talking Elmo Doll”? Hmm…I must ponder…