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“Kenneth Thomas.” I spoke out loud and immediately noticed how her eyes travelled over my whole appearance for a second before going back to the phone and announcing my name. Damned women! Every time they happen to hear my name, they always twist their necks, turn their faces, stare… and stare some more. Just because my name’s short version happens to be the name of a famous masculine doll, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to stop talking on the phone each and every time I’m in public… or that every one who knows me must comment over this unfortunate fact of my life.
The second I heard the secretary’s confirmation, I moved away from her desk and towards the door… but not before I noticed a second stare at me… or at a specific area of my body anyway. What can I say? I am used to this kind of behaviour and I can’t do a thing about it. Although I would love to be able to carry a normal conversation on the phone in public buildings and not have a bunch of women staring and giggling at me… especially after they happen to catch my name.
With an annoyed look, I pushed the door open and nearly smashed it closed.
“Fire your secretary!”
“Ken, it’s the third one this week. I can’t keep changing my secretaries just because you hate the way they look at you. They’re women, for cryin’ out loud.” Nicholas Stanford, one of my best friends, spoke as he did not even bother getting up from his comfortable armchair, behind a large black desk.
“They don’t just look, Nick! They stare, giggle, sometimes even drool. It’s embarrassing!”
“It’s gross!” He finally glanced up at me, a look of disgust imprinted on his features.
“And I can’t even act normally in public. I can’t answer my phone, I can’t hold lunch meetings, I can’t even talk to Jason, without hearing his new “Barbie and Ken” jokes!” I dramatically threw my arms up in the air, in a surrending gesture.
“Hint: change your name.” He snickered evilly.
“Too late.” I grumbled. It would’ve been really nice if I had not been a public person and if my parents had carried different genes… hopefully, some that would not offer me the look of one of those foreign personal trainers that ninety-years old widows and grandmas hire. Probably one of my ancestors belonged to that species and now, centuries later, I must deal with all the burdens.
“Ok… Leave the country then, but make sure you don’t until the 24th.”
“Engagement party?”
“God, I wished I had that elephant memory of yours. Yesterday was our three years anniversary and I was nearly killed when I got home last night.”
“You forgot about it?” This time it was my turn to snicker.
“That… and I had to work late thanks to some “genius” agents from Germany who decided to work in their timeline and not mine.”
“Petty fools. Shame on them!” Yes, Shakespeare would’ve probably been proud of my acting.
“Yeah… so I had to deal with kitchen knifes and metal bowls nearly all night.”
“Why are you getting married with a food girl? You know that kitchen equipment is the deadliest of all.” I shook my head warningly.
“What can I say? I love her cooking… and her, generally speaking.”
“Are you turning soft or is it just me?”
“Are you kidding? With this woman I have to pay attention 24 hours a day or she’ll fry me alive.”
“My, my, who would’ve though? Nicky Stanford chained down by a woman…”
“And what a woman! My friend, I strongly recommend those of her kind.”
“Amazons? Didn’t they used to use men for procreation and then kill them?”
“Ah, at first it appears to be so! But then, as you start making down your way to her heart, you being discovering her true nature… and you can’t help yourself but fall in love with her.”
“And remain faithful for the rest of your life or be turned into an eunuch.”
“I don’t know. With Lita I’d prefer to divorce if I ever happen to find other attractions. But enough of that! I am set on becoming a good husband and I really don’t need any distractions… at least not before the marriage!”
“So, shall I understand that she’ll be providing the food for the party?”
“Well, not herself. Although she’ll most probably walk into that kitchen every five minutes and shout at those poor people some more. It must really hurt to have a perfectionist boss.”
“Yeah, well at least she’s a boss who can control her employees…”
“For the last time, I’m not firing my secretary… Wait until the week-end at least!”
For the first time in a week, I finally managed to take a good look at my old friend. Ever since I knew him, he had always been the “party-animal” who usually skipped almost the entire year in college, but managed to pass his exams by hitting on his female professors… the younger ones, thankfully… And now, almost ten years after cutting all possible ties with every educational system, he was running his own company, having all the success in the world… and marrying one of the most gifted chefs in the country.
“What?” he grumbled, having noticed my stare for quite some time.
“You do realise we’ll have to throw you a bachelor party, right?” Ah yes, what man could possibly deny that final night of celibacy, when he must say goodbye to his true nature and welcome his new religion: monogamy.
“No.” What?
“What?”
“I said no.”
“Why?”
“I’ve seen what disasters can happen on such occasions. I used to throw all bachelor parties, after we ended college, remember? Such parties can destroy a man’s life.”
“You can’t be serious… Name one!”
“Michael Derwood.”
“Who?” Apparently not even my elephant’s memory is that good.
“You were too stoned at the time to remember. Michael Derwood was one of the first guys in our group who got married… or was supposed to, anyway. I was asked to put together a reunion, so I hired the usual package: drugs, alcohol and stripers. The perfect mix for an unforgettable night that had to be forgotten by the next day.”
“So what went wrong? Your parties were always a big hit.”
“He kind of ran away with one of the stripers.” Without previous warnings, I burst out laughing. An unusual reaction coming from me… but most normal considering the situation.
“What happened?”
“He broke his fiancée’s heart and remained broke when his father took his right of inheritance away. Last time I heard of him, he was croupier in Vegas.”
“Did he at least get the striper?”
“Nope, she dumped him the moment his fortune vanished. She married some rich old geezer a couple of years ago and now lives in luxury as his widow.”
“Funny how fate has the tendency of kicking you in the back when you’re already down.”
“Yeah… after that party I swore I’d never even attend to such a “feast” again. So, please spare me the “tradition” speech and let me get married in peace!”
“Fine! I’ll consider it for the sake of your pretty fiancée. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“I really appreciate it! And now get your Ken posterior out there and find yourself a Barbie!”
“What?!?”
“Come on, it’s a wedding. You never know! And plus, usually magical stuff is supposed to happen on these occasions.”
“Magical stuff? How romantic… God, what did that woman see in you?”
“Money! Fame! Good genes for the possible offsprings?”
“God help us all!” I raised my hands to the ceiling in mocking defeat.
“Get out of here before I call Jason!” He lifted his phone and pointed it at me as if a laser beam of some kind was supposed to hit me at any moment.
“So what?” I would’ve stuck out my tongue, but then I realised that I still had a reputation to consider.
“He just told me last night that he got several new “Ken” jokes.” Oh, now he really meant it.
“Not today, thank you!” I nearly ran out of his office, past his secretary’s desk and into the perfectly opened elevator, before that disrespectful woman could even tell what hit the chair in front of her desk and demolished a perfectly neat heap of papers.
“Shut it! The last thing that I’m going to do is take fashion advice from a man who would walk around all day in shorts and t-shirts if he could!”
“Hey, I’ll have you know that my designed shorts and shirts happen to have an amazing success. Look at me! Two more years and my stocks are going to reach yours. I’m coming up… slowly, but surely.” He tried to glare back. Pff, as if someone with blue eyes could ever be able to actually glare.
“What are you doing here anyway?” I was about to lose it, so I thought I could actually discover the reason for my current torture… hopefully, before my last wish time.
“Plus, in the last number of “Purple Barbie Ponies” it is said that Barbie loves it when Ken wears lavender. By the way, do you know what “mauve” is?” Ok, if smoke wasn’t coming out through my ears before, it definitely is now.
“What the hell?! Did you start stealing your niece’s magazines now? You perv! Get out of my room! Get out of my house!”
“Man, research is vital for my jokes. What, you think those gags appear just like that?” he sent a most incredulous stare and I had a sudden urge to chop off those blue eyes of his.
“Get out!”
“Sheesh! Calm down, man… And hurry up, would you? It’s almost time for the party!” oh great… His shouts probably have alerted the coast guard of our future whereabouts, by now… But hey, at least he got out.
I returned to the mirror and made some last adjustments to the dark suit I was wearing, thinking about the wedding I had just witnessed hours earlier. I still couldn’t believe that Nick had gone through that final step. Indeed, Lita had worn a gorgeous gown, which had managed to make her look even more stunning… if only one of my best friends hadn’t tasted her cooking first… I looked at my own eyes… and then it hit me…
Oh, mY God! It’s contagious! The marriage responsibility virus had just been unleashed and now it’s taking over the world. Look at myself! I’m too young to even hear that word, but consider such a state for myself??? I stared at my own reflection, while my mind elaborated some new version of my future plans. Nooo!! I don’t want to lose my company in a divorce lawsuit, I don’t want to go to jail and never see my kids again… God dammit, I didn’t even want to get married in the first place!!!
“Are you coming today, Cinderella?”
Amazingly enough, while I panted hard from my mental torture, I couldn’t help but bless Jason for his excellent sense of time… and yet, swear to kill him once again for his ridiculous nicknames. If only…
“Man, Nicky sure knows how to spend his money…” Jason let out a congratulatory whistle behind me.
“Yeah, you can tell he’s happy… for now anyway…” The long-haired blonde’s expression turned even darker.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“The spell should be over in a couple of years. Then will come a separation trial, since there were no contracts signed, hell will probably break loose, kids will end up in therapy…”
“Shut up! It’s your best friend’s wedding. The least you could do is shut it and wish them real happiness!” I nearly roared, my own mental pictures from earlier returning.
“You got dumped again, didn’t you?” Jason chuckled, a malicious smile spread on his lips. Zack just narrowed his eyes dangerously. Great… catfight… at times, I wish I could say dogfight… but considering Zack’s skills in this area, that name really can’t be used. “Twice?!” Jason broke out in laughter.
“Hey, at least I’m smart enough not to sleep with the woman and then get caught by her hubby in full action!”
“At least I’m the one who’s getting some… unlike others that will soon reach the title of monks!”
“You hit on a married woman?” I should have probably said something smarter and wiser, in order to break those two off… but I really wasn’t in the mood…
“The pigtailed blonde over there…” he pointed over his shoulder, at a pretty young woman, dressed in a light pink dress.
“Nice, too bad she’s taken already…” Jason shook his head as we noticed her husband, a pretty good-looking fellow himself, approaching her with a large plate filled with various foods… which she devoured in record time. The disagreement on our faces was replaced by stupor…
“Wasn’t she supposed to be a woman?”
“Is that guy blind…”
“Wow… she beat my record…” Give us a break, it was a wedding party and people were supposed to be relieved of some brain cells tonight… who cared if we started early?
As suspected, the party was a huge success. Everyone, friends, relatives and even people the two lovebirds had only invited out of respect and courtesy enjoyed the food, the music and the general atmosphere.
“This will probably remain in the city’s history as one of the best wedding parties ever…”
“You think?” I asked ironically and rolled my eyes. “Where did Jason go anyway? After that show earlier, I thought he’d be ravaging the food court at this time, as a comeback.”
“He already did that… Now he’s trying to hit at one of the bride’s cousins…” Zack informed me. Apparently after being rejected one more time, he decided the dance floor was just not his spot tonight.
“Lita has cousins?”
“Yeah, an army of them… although most parents and grandparents have passed away. Such a sad history…”
“Well, let’s hope that the tragedies ended there…” Wait… my mind finally processed the entire sentence. “Jason is trying to hit on someone?”
“Yes.”
“Female.”
“Yes.”
“Human?”
“Yes, I know! I wanted to create an alien scanner when I saw her too.”
“I can’t believe him, out of all people, will get some action.” I mumbled, both bewildered and still suspicious.
“I wouldn’t bet on that…”
“How come?”
“Well, he might get some action, alright… but not that kind.”
“What are you talking about?”
Slap. Punch. Thud.
“And stay the hell away from me, you creep!” A fiery brunette stormed past us, nearly blowing up the wedding cake with her bare eyes. Behind her, a head of expensive clothes and entangled limbs lay on the floor. It’s name: Jason.
“He’ll never learn his lesson…” Zack shook his head disapprovingly.
“Although I’ll never even try to understand your behaviour, there is one thing about your personality that bugs me.” I confessed as I simply lifted the poor soul up from the ground level. “Why do you always choose women that are clearly brighter, stronger, smarter… well, generally better than you?”
“Because that way, I can ensure my children a safe and strong genetic line.” A proud and serene smile suddenly appeared on the blonde’s bruised face.
“Oh, mY God… He wants to procreate!” the other blonde seemed to have lost it, while my own expression turned dumb.
“Children?” I finally managed to mumble. “Why?”
“Yeah, can’t you spare the Universe from being destroyed by little Jason clones?”
“No! As in… do you really think you could be a good father?”
“Well, I’m not good at anything else… now am I? I can support my family’s company, but let’s face it, I could never make it evolve, up to its real value. Therefore, I can only do one thing!” Oh great… Now his Superman-like position was starting to emit rays of light. What’s next? Colourful latex?!?
“I’m afraid to ask…” I’ve never seen Zack cowering before… but apparently it was never too late…
“I’ve got to find myself a smart and strong woman who can rule my companies for me, while I take care of her children…”
“So… you’re going to be… a house-husband?” Although the other blonde was about to fall through the floor, I felt quite puzzled.
“Yes!” Oh God, someone turn off those lights! “And now if you’ll postpone the rest of your interrogatory, I must go and see if I can reconcile with the potential boss/wife that just ran away.” And poof, he was gone… off to his own private holiday in hell.
“Hey, Ken-doll.” Hurray, and apparently Caron made a pit stop to grab me in his boat too. I turned to the “dance floor” and noticed the party crashers. Your usual group of idiots, who torture former trekkies and drool at teenage pop idols’ concerts. In a word “pathetic”. “So, I see that our feminine audience has the hots for you tonight, and still, you manage to remain the same old iceberg. So, where’s your Barbie, Ken?” the so-called joke only seemed to be appreciated by their group, for they were the only ones laughing. Should I kill them now or allow them two more minutes in the world of the living? “Hmm, she must’ve found another yard for her ponies, if she isn’t here, right?” I’m going to hell anyway, might as well grab some hitchhikers on the way. I was just about to break some necks, when a long whistle stopped me, as well as three similar star-struck looks on three different faces. Man, if you thought klingons were ugly, these three could definitely win against them in a “beauty” contest. Still, I couldn’t help myself and I had to look at my right… and eventually end up staring after several seconds.
“If you three clods don’t find yourselves other targets for those imbecile stares, I’ll make sure you won’t have what to ogle with beyond tonight!” How come all the beauties here were incredibly angry? Must be a dominant gene in Lita’s bloodline.
“Hey Barbie… we were just talking about you! Say Ken… you don’t mind sharing for a bit… do you?” Bad idea… very bad idea…
“What did you just say?” See what I was talking about?
“I’m really, really sorry. Would you ever be able to forgive me?” “Barbie” – I should call her differently, but I don’t know how – stared at me with nearly panicked blue eyes, holding her hands together as a sign of prayer.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” My everlasting macho self spoke smoothly.
“Oh, God, Lita is going to kill me for ruining her moment.” She got up and the long and heavy fabric of her dress touched my hand. One thing I could tell for sure: this Barbie knew fashion. She was wearing a gorgeous dark blue dress, which embraced her body perfectly. It was decent enough to keep away unwanted attention, but did show some skin and left plenty of room for imagination.
“I’m sure she’ll forgive you. After all, it was her who started the food fight.” I answered and tried to wipe away some cream from my shirt.
“Yeah, well, she’s always preferred unconventional ways. I hope she and Nick stay together for the rest of their lives.”
“Well, they deserve each other and complete perfectly, so I can’t see what could stop them from doing so.” I answered as serious as I could, although my present condition pin pointed the exact opposite thing.
“So, is your name really Ken?” she quietly asked after a moment or two of peaceful silence.
“Kenneth…” I mumbled, unhappy with peculiar turn the conversation had taken. But, then again, why should I be the only one in distress here? “Is yours really Barbie?” my semi-pout changed into a sly smile, which was almost immediately rewarded with a deadly glare. I take my words back. Blue eyes can glare! Ok, the smile is gone too and a terrified look took over. I’ve noticed she had great legs, but I’ve also witnessed what damage they can do…
“Of course not…” she blurted out. “It’s Mina.”
“Nice to meet you, Mina.”
“Same here.” Yay, I finally get to see her smile… and yes, it is as sweet as I thought. “So, are you one of Lita’s cousins?” Lame attempt to make conversation, but give me some credit: I have a monstrous headache, a broken leg and a good dose of sedatives working pointlessly through my veins.
“Cousin? Oh, you must be confusing me with Serena!”
“Who?” yep, the drugs must’ve reached my brain.
“Where is he?” a shout just outside the room saved me from even more “intelligent” lines.
“I’m sorry, sir, only relatives are allowed inside.” The calm reply of a nurse tried to calm down a wave of angry voices.
“Oh, hush, hush! We’re friends and that makes us his relatives.” A cheerful voice interrupted all commotion, and the doors to the room opened almost immediately, by a tired, yet extremely happy bride, with a two-million pound dress made of white silk and covered in various food products.
“Lita! What are you doing here?” Mina sat up from her seat, next to my bed.
“We came to see how this guy was doing!” she finally entered the room, closely followed by her groom and a set of well-known people, all carrying similar colour patterns on their clothes.
“Oh, wow! Lita, your food isn’t just delicious, but it makes a damn good clothing accessory too.”
“Knock it off, you! Praises won’t get you more food… at least not until we get back from our honeymoon.” She hit my shoulder playfully.
“Mina, are you ok?” another distress call was heard from the door, as another Barbie-like young woman burst inside. Looking at her better, I finally recognized her from earlier that evening, as one of the girls Zack had tried to charm. What the hell is this? Has the factory begun producing natural-size dolls or is it just my imagination? Well, drugged imagination, that is…
“Hey, Sere! Calm down, everything’s fine.”
“Are you sure?” the second clone was nearly hyperventilating.
“Yes! Now start breathing!”
“But…”
“No buts! Get Darien and go home! These kinds of emotions are not good for either you or the baby.”
“You hit on a pregnant woman?” Nick stared at our younger friend, who did not know how to dig up a hole to hide himself in faster. We all instantaneously began laughing, in spite of all miracles and disasters which had occurred that day.
“Well…” the way she rolled her blue eyes told me she had not been entirely honest.
“Well?”
“I kind of told the nurse I was your wife.” This time she really couldn’t hide her blush. “I mean, with all that madness, no one actually had the time to check my ID… so, I had no problem in staying over night. I hope you’re ok with that.”
“Well, after all, I am Ken and you are Barbie… so “it” was kind of meant to be, don’t you think?” I turned to her and applied a short kiss on her lips. Smooth, real smooth.
“Hmm, apparently “it” was… However, if you want “it” to continue, you really need to get that name out of your vocabulary!” O-ho, dark Mina was once again on the loose. Run for your lives!
“If you insist, I guess I must comply.”
“Thank you…” she ended and helped me inside the car.
“No problem… Cindy.” Sometimes I really should keep this evil mouth of mine shut… but not today.
“Bite it, Ken!” she shut the door with a bang and I swear that she’d be able to rip it completely for a moment there.
Who knew… apparently “magical stuff” could indeed happen to anyone… even me…
I know, I must apologize for not updating in such a long time... lack of inspiration... TT... but I must also thank those of you who reviewed, for their wonderful words. Arigato, minna!!! XD
Hope you enjoyed this chapter too ;) Please review!
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