Sometimes I feel like I am
really lucky
I have made it through
Bruised and scarred
And half alive

“What are you doing, Mom? Mom? Mom, you’re scaring Ryan, will you please…” Trey starts.

“God, will you shut the hell up for five goddamn minutes?” his mom yells, pulling back her hand to smack him.

Trey closes his eyes and braces for impact and Ryan doesn’t say anything. He’s going to stay right here under the table until the yelling stops. His father might be gone, but the yelling seems to be a part of being an Atwood.

He’d thought the nights spent in the crowded, smelly group home had been bad. The kid in the bed next to his was a bed-wetter and no matter how many times the people changed the sheets, it always smelled like piss. Then his mom had come for him and Trey had been bouncing excitedly in the front seat and for a little while, he’d thought that things might be going back to normal.

But his father is gone. Permanently according to his mom.

She doesn’t hit Trey, instead moves her hand to pretend that she never intended to hit him and shoves a box into his hands. “Go pack up your shit.”

“What? Why?” Trey begs.

“We’re moving, that’s why, now shut up and go pack your shit!” she says.

Trey takes the box and drops it on the floor in a huff. “I’m not moving! Just because Dad got in trouble…”

The slap echoes through the kitchen.

“Shut up about your father. We don’t talk about him ever again, you hear me? We don’t need him and we’re moving. We’re leaving this shithole and we’re going to have a whole new life without fuckheads like your father.”

Trey runs from the room.

Ryan doesn’t move. His mom starts raking things out of the cabinets and sorting them into piles. He watches her silently.

“Ryan, come here and help your mama,” she says after a moment, curling her finger toward him.

He doesn’t want to be left behind and gets up, hurrying to her side. She threads her fingers through his hair and he tries to pretend that she isn’t shaking.

“Go get me that bottle out of the fridge.”

He knows which one she means.

“So. You want to tell me about your brother?” Shannon asked him that night after they’d tucked the tired girls into bed and escorted the Cohens out after midnight.

“Now?” he asked, not looking at her. They were lying in bed, in the dark and even though this was when they usually got the best chance to talk to each other - he didn’t feel like talking anymore.

“Better now than tomorrow when Summer and Seth are hissing at him over coffee,” she answered softly, turning her eyes to search his as she curled up against his chest.

“True,” he acknowledged, but didn’t offer anything more. God, it was so fucking complicated, couldn’t anybody see that?

But when he actually stopped panicking enough to think about it – he knew that these painful conversations were long overdue. He loved Shannon and fully intended to spend the rest of his life with her. And as much as he tried to ignore it, he had an Atwood side and he’d hidden it from her for too long.

“Come on, baby, if you’re not going to sleep, you have to talk,” she whispered.

“It’s complicated.” He said finally, forcing himself to speak. “I haven’t seen him in years. Since before I got out of high school. Things were really…fucked up back then. He’d almost raped my girlfriend, we tried to kill each other and Marissa put him in a coma for three months with a bullet to the chest. He came out of the coma and just…walked away. And I let him. We didn’t have anything else to say to each other. Not then.”

“It’s been a long time…and you just…”

“Moved on. Like I said, it’s complicated,” he repeated, thinking of how to put his feelings into words. He trusted Shannon. Even if he couldn’t ever fully explain to the Cohens about his feelings about his real family for fear of hurting them, he knew that Shannon wouldn’t judge him. She loved who he was now, and didn’t know him when he was torn between two different lives.

“So how does it feel to see him now?”

“When we were kids…he was always there for me,” Ryan whispered. “Always – I mean, we were a fucking team. Dad was such an asshole, but Trey and I were there for each other. And then when Dad was gone, everything changed. We were still close, but he was so pissed at Mom and I couldn’t understand that. He’d always call me the ‘suck up’, but I guess I was always worried that Mom was going to disappear, too. We’d get jobs, Trey would fuck up and get fired and I’d keep the job…and somehow along the way, he started to hate me. I didn’t even know…but after I moved in with the Cohens…it all came out. He couldn’t deal with me ending up with a good family that gave me so many opportunities and I couldn’t deal with him ruining everything like always.”

He felt like he’d run a marathon, like Shannon should tell him how many prayers to say to ask for forgiveness.

But she leaned over and pushed her cold nose against his cheek. He smiled. Her nose was always cold.

“That’s complicated,” she whispered.

“I’m surprised he showed up here at all.”

“You called him. For all you know, he could’ve been waiting all this time for you to call him…”

“I doubt that,” Ryan replied.

“I don’t think you should worry about all the unresolved feelings and issues between you right now. You called, Ryan, and he came. That’s all that matters. Maybe he feels just as much guilt as you do.”

Ryan hated that word. Guilt. It was like his shadow. And once he’d married Shannon, he’d made a promise that he would never put himself in a position to feel guilty for anything ever again. But somehow, he’d ignored all the baggage he had tucked away in his subconscious closet. And there was plenty of guilt in there to last him forever.

The last thing Shannon remembers is the doctor putting the mask over her face and feeling Ryan’s grip loosen in her hand. He’d promised not to leave her.

She doesn’t know what happened or how all the pain that she was feeling just melted away.

But it’s dark here. And quiet.

Something’s dripping and beeping and she considers going back to sleep, but doesn’t think that she should just nap when she can’t hear what the doctors are saying.

“How is she?” a voice whispers. She can’t place it, but its familiar and not a doctor or stranger.

“Still asleep. I keep expecting her to wake up and cuss me out for letting this happen.”

She knows that voice. Ryan. He sounds so sad. He’s not supposed to be sad today.

“How is any of this your fault?”

“I don’t know. We knew childbirth would be hard, but this…I almost lost them both…”

Lost? She’s not lost, she’s right here…where’s her daughter?

She opens her eyes and recognizes Kirsten’s layered blonde hair standing beside her. She’s in a hospital bed, there are tubes in her hand and a clip on her index finger. “Ryan?” Her throat is sore and dry.

“Hey, baby,” he says immediately, leaning into her vision. He’s got dark circles under his eyes and the blue she recognizes is rimmed with red. “You gave us all a scare…”

“The baby?”

“The baby’s fine. She’s been awake more than you have the past few hours,” he says and she lets out a sigh of relief.

“What happened?”

“You…you hemorrhaged, started bleeding out and they had to do an emergency c-section,” he says, holding a cup up to her lips. She sips from the cool water and tries to process what he’s saying.

Kirsten’s gone when he raises the bed and she feels the pain in her abdomen from the slight movement.

“And the baby’s all right?”

“Yes, Shannon, she’s fine…she’s a beautiful baby girl with a head-full of hair and her mama’s smile,” Ryan says, holding her hand in a vice grip.

She gets a wave of relief and fear and love and anger and collapses into tears, clutching Ryan’s shirt in her fingers and pulling him into a desperate hug.

But he’s the one that speaks, whispering frantically in her ear. “You scared me so bad, Shannon, I thought I’d lost you, you were holding my hand and then you just let go and the doctors made me leave and they wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and I thought that I lost my wife – that you’d left me…”

“Ryan…” she sniffs, tears streaming down her face.

Kirsten clears her throat and Shannon sees over Ryan’s shoulder that she’s holding a small bundled blanket in her arms.

Ryan steps back and Shannon doesn’t react as Kirsten comes closer. She hears a muted yawn and looks into her sleepy daughter’s blue eyes as she accepts the baby into her arms.

“Colleen Atwood,” Kirsten introduces.

Everyone in the room starts crying then except the tiniest member of the family who simply watches them all with curious eyes.

“So, what’s the plan for today?” Summer asked, joining her in the kitchen.

Shannon hushes her softly, nodding toward the living room where Ryan was asleep on the couch with a daughter on each side, watching TV quietly.

“Is he all right? Like, is that normal?” Summer whispered.

“Yeah, its fine, they do it all the time,” Shannon replied with a smile. Ryan would often come home from work exhausted and sit on the couch and Colleen and Kelly loved spending time with their daddy, even if he was asleep.

“Seth has to go into work for a couple of hours,” Summer said, putting Caleb’s carrier on the counter. Shannon paused long enough to tickle the baby and make him giggle before responding to her.

“I don’t really know what there’s going to be for you guys to do,” she started. “But it’s really great to have you here.”

“Well, we started getting calls early this morning. Ryan’s got a lot of friends and they’ve already seen the obit. I think you’re going to have guests and nosy Newpsies blowing up your doorbell all day,” Summer replied.

She should have expected that. Even though Newport housed some of the richest families in California, it still functioned like a small town with the gossip and the hypocrisy.

“You look beat,” Summer added.

“He was up all night. I can’t sleep when he’s tossing and turning,” Shannon replied.

“I know the feeling. Seth was up before dawn, babbling away about how this is his chance to prove to Ryan that he’s a real brother. I think Trey showing up has shattered his confidence. But…I mean, Ryan doesn’t talk to anyone about his family…he’s not just keeping Seth in the dark, is he?”

Shannon sighed. “No, he’s not singling anyone out. He just…doesn’t talk about it.”

“Morning, Summer,” Ryan said, startling them both as he walked in with a yawn. He made a beeline for the baby. Shannon watched, amused. He’d always had some kind of magical touch with infants that no one could explain.

“How’re you doing?” Summer asked as he cradled Caleb in his arms.

“All right, I guess. You’re here early…you getting calls?” he questioned.

“A few. Seth’s coming in after going into the office a few hours,” Summer said.

“Cool,” Ryan nodded, putting the baby back in the carrier once he started to drool on his shoulder.

“Where’s Trey?” Summer asked, dodging Shannon’s scolding glare.

“At the hotel, I guess. I’m going to pick him up soon,” Ryan replied coolly.

“You sure he’s going to be there? Not on a binge or something?” Summer whispered.

“Summer,” Ryan sighed. “Look, I know that you don’t like him…”

“I just don’t see how you can let him back into your life…” she started.

“Stop,” Ryan said before she could continue. “Did you know my father? Did you spend years of your life with him? You hate Trey and I can’t tell you to stop, you know I have issues with him too but right now he’s the only person within a 50 mile radius that knows the man that we’re burying in a couple of days. He lost his father, too,” Ryan finished, storming out of the room.

“I’m sorry,” Summer whispered. “God, I’m just batting zero with the Atwoods these days.”

“Yup,” Shannon agreed. “Do me a favor, though? Go easy on him today.”

“I will. I’ll apologize and be civil to Trey because…he’s right. No matter what issues I have with him, he lost his father.”

Shannon left Summer in the kitchen as the girls rushed in to play with their cousin and went searching for Ryan.

She found him in the bathroom, splashing water on his face.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Sorry about that,” he murmured.

“I think it needed to be said,” Shannon replied. “Summer forgets sometimes that the world doesn’t revolve around her…”

Ryan smiled at her curiously. “I think I’ve said the same thing about Seth on occasion.”

“Well, they do make a good match,” she said, putting her arm around him.

“Trey and I are going to go over to the funeral home with Sandy to look at his body and figure out the rest of this stuff,” he said quietly.

“You and Trey?”

He smiled at her again, visibly exhausted. “And you.”

“Damn right. Summer’s here so she can watch the kids and deal with the Newpsies that may show up to pay their respects…”

“Find out what’s going on, you mean,” he muttered.

“That, too. She’ll probably enjoy that part of it anyway,” Shannon added.

“True,” Ryan replied, relaxing finally.

“You’re sure you’re ready for this?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure…”

“Shannon. Go to work,” Kirsten tells her patiently.

She leans over the crib one last time to make sure Colleen is safely tucked in and settled.

Three months being a full time mom to her baby daughter and today she’s going back to work.

“Do you think I’m an awful mother?” she asks when Kirsten takes her arm and guides her out of the nursery.

“No, Shannon, you know I don’t. I worked when Seth was small…”

“You told me you didn’t go to work until he was in school,” Shannon corrects her.

As much as she’s itching to get back into the ‘real world’, she’s also flailing with guilt for taking this job when Ryan makes enough money for her not to have to work. She loves Colleen and is torn between being a full time mother because she can be or following her dream since high school of being an editor.

“I know this is hard, but she’s going to be fine,” Kirsten repeats.

Shannon’s grateful that Kirsten volunteered to keep Colleen for them during the day. She isn’t fully comfortable leaving her with strangers at daycare when she’s so small.

Sandy appears in the kitchen and smiles at her kindly. “Ah, I see someone’s got the first day jitters.”

“A little.”

“When Kirsten dropped Seth off at kindergarten the first day, she cried all the way home,” he says.

“Not exactly helping, honey,” Kirsten replies.

“Okay, I’m going to stop being pathetic and go. Call me if…”

“I will, Shannon. Don’t worry. Let us be glowing grandparents for a little while and we’ll see you at four,” Kirsten smiles.

She reluctantly makes her way to the driveway and freezes when she sees Ryan leaning against her car.

He’s in his business suit like he wears to work and he’s got his arms crossed across his chest. “Hey.”

“What are you doing here?” she asks. She remembers kissing him goodbye less than an hour ago at her house.

“I wanted to see my wife and tell her how proud of her I am,” he whispers, pulling her into a kiss.

“Mmm…yeah?”

“Yeah. I know this is hard, and it’s not exactly where you saw yourself – but we have a beautiful healthy daughter and you’re about to start a fancy new job and tonight you’re going to sit down and have dinner with your handsome husband and tell me all about your great first day,” he says huskily. His voice makes her melt and she feels the familiar rush as he murmurs into her ear.

“You’re going to make me late,” she says finally, forcing herself to pull back from his roaming mouth.

“Sorry. You just looked so…”

“Scared? Guilty? Nervous? All of the above?” Shannon laughs.

“A little,” he admits. “But you’re going to do fine and Colleen’s going to be fine. I think you made Kirsten’s life letting her babysit.”

“I just hope Colleen doesn’t grow up to be hyper and spoiled like Seth,” Shannon teases.

Ryan opens the door to her car for her. “We can only hope.”

Shannon knew that her hand was going to hurt later but she wouldn’t dare take it away from Ryan’s grip.

She’d reached out for his hand once they’d picked up Trey, sealing her place as ‘shotgun’ and the closer they got to the funeral home, the tighter he was squeezing.

Trey was doing his best to keep the mood light but Ryan wasn’t feeling the levity and after the second glare into the rear view mirror, he’d stopped trying.

“So, how long have you guys been married?” Trey asked.

“A while,” Ryan answered. “8 years.”

Trey whistled. “Nice. So, how do you put up with him?”

“Patience,” Shannon replied, giving Ryan a glance to let him know she was just making conversation.

“What about you?” Ryan asked, shifting attention.

“Oh, I’ve been with Rexanne for about 5 years,” he replied. His voice dropped an octave as he continued, almost like he was afraid someone outside the car would overhear. “She found out she was pregnant before I went to jail the last time…and after all that shit we went through with Mom, I didn’t want her to have to raise the kid all by herself so when I got out, I cleaned up my act.”

“You’ve got a kid?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah, four, actually. Rex is some kind of freak of nature – she’s fertile like a bunny,” Trey beamed. “But as many mistakes as I made in my own life, I think I’m a pretty good father most days.”

Ryan smiled and his grip loosened on her hand as he relaxed.

“We’ll have to introduce our kids one day, so they don’t end up going to the same college and falling in love or some soap opera bullshit like that,” Trey joked.

“True,” Shannon acknowledged.

“There’s Georgia and Austin and then the twins, Kansas and Steve,” Trey said.

“Dude. Who names your kids?” Shannon asked, stifling a chuckle.

“God, I’ve heard it all,” Trey laughed. “Rex has a thing about geography and since she’s the one doing all the hard work, she gets to name the kids.”

“What does Steve have to do with geography?” Ryan asked.

“Her brother’s name was Steve,” Trey answered. “He died when she was little and she said Steve looked just like him when he was born.”

Shannon was surprised to see the effect Trey was having on Ryan. The more he talked, the less tense Ryan became. It was almost like the sound of his brother’s voice soothed him.

“They might come down tomorrow for the service. Bring the older kids and leave the twins with her Mom,” Trey said.

Ryan parked beside Sandy’s new Lexus and took his hand away as he shifted into park.

“You ready for this, little brother?” Trey asked after a beat.

“He can’t look worse than he did in the morgue,” Ryan whispered.

“You saw him in the morgue?”

“Somebody had to ID him,” Ryan replied.

Shannon immediately took his hand again once they were out of the car.

“It’s been years, man…” Trey started.

“He had that tattoo on his neck, remember? That crooked-ass eagle with three eyes,” Ryan replied quietly.

“Oh. Yeah. Never did get a chance to ask the bastard where he got that,” Trey muttered.

“Right on time,” Sandy said, greeting them by the entrance.

“Might as well get it overwith,” Trey shrugged, shaking the mortician’s hand as he stepped into the building.

Shannon returned Sandy’s grateful smile and urged Ryan forward.

She watched as Ryan’s eyes glazed over from the monotone of the funeral director’s presentation.

15 minutes in, Trey spoke up. “Can you please cut to the chase? We don’t need any of this touchy-feely stuff for our dad.”

The man seemed nonplussed and Sandy even seemed relieved. He escorted them to a large room filled with coffins.

She put her arm around Ryan’s waist to steady him and to reassure herself that he was breathing. He finally met her gaze and gave her a small smile. She could tell he was okay for now, but it didn’t mean she wouldn’t still watch him.

“Have you considered whether you want him cremated or where his body will be buried?” the mortician asked.

“Cremation,” Ryan said in unison with Trey.

“All right. I’ll go see if his body is ready for viewing yet.”

“I should but his ashes in my cat’s litter box,” Trey muttered. Sandy gave him a look. “Sorry. That wouldn’t be nice to Snowball, would it?”

She puts down her briefcase and follows her ears to the living room.

It’s a familiar scene with Ryan sprawled on the carpet with Colleen crawling on him like he’s her personal jungle gym.

“I told you I would get her,” Shannon says, sitting down on the couch as Colleen squeals with glee as she starts scrambling toward her.

“Sorry. I got off early and thought I could save you a stop,” Ryan says, his eyes sparkling as he reaches out to raise Colleen to her lap.

“Mama,” Colleen says, wobbling as she leans forward to kiss Shannon on the cheek.

“Did she just say…” Ryan whispers.

“Baby? Say it again…please? Who am I?” Shannon asks, excited. They’ve been waiting for weeks for Colleen to talk but it’s almost like the child is teasing them with her silence.

Colleen giggles and pulls on the shiny clip in her mom’s hair.

“You heard that right?” Shannon asks, turning to Ryan.

“Yeah, I sure did…” Ryan replies.

“Daddy,” Colleen says, holding the clip in her hand triumphantly before spreading her arms for her father.

Ryan picks her up and is grinning widely as he spins her around before sitting down on the couch with Shannon. “Yes, Colleen, I’m your daddy!”

“Two for one! Go get the camera,” Shannon says. She feels like she did the first time Ryan kissed her – like the moment she slid his ring on her finger – like the first time she held her daughter – it’s better than all the drugs she tried in college combined.

“Daddy!” Colleen laughs, pushing the clip into Ryan’s hair and clapping her hands.

“She’s awesome!” Shannon announces. “We have a genius child!”

“With parents like us, what else did you expect?” Ryan teases.

“Mama – hungy!” Colleen says.

“You’re a tricky little devil!” Shannon laughs.

“She’s probably been talking for months, just not to us,” Ryan agrees.

“Well, better give her what she wants and get the camera since you’re lazy.”

“Hey! I’m entertaining here!” Ryan protests.

Shannon gives him a look but he's so cute with the clip pushing his hair up haphazardly and their daughter pulling on his earlobes. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"I'll try not to ignore you," he smirks.

"What would you say about giving Colleen a little sister or brother?"

He stares at her with wide eyes. "Really?" he asks, surprised.

"Yeah. Really. I...I talked to my doctor and she says that it would be totally safe, they'd just schedule me for a c-section right off the bat. What do you think?"

"Mama!! Hungy!" Colleen squeals, pausing in her exploration of her father's face for a moment.

"I think...yes. Absolutely - if you're sure...I would love to make more babies with you..."

She smacks him gently with the pillow to Colleen's extreme pleasure.

She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but the thin pale corpse in the dark wood coffin wasn’t it.

His hair was grey and brushed back onto the satin pillow to hide its length. His beard was trimmed but still thick on his chin and ran across his lip for a caterpillar mustache and up his cheeks for sideburns.

“His hair was all matted and dirty,” Ryan said softly. “It must’ve been a bitch to brush it out.”

“Whose suit?” Trey asked.

“We got it for him, Kirsten insisted,” Sandy added.

“Thanks,” Trey replied, nodding. He reached out and unbuttoned the top button of the shirt, fishing out a silver chain with a cross from underneath.

“It was with his things,” Ryan murmured.

“You think he found God or something?” Trey asked.

Shannon didn’t interrupt them and stepped back to stand beside Sandy. He patted her on the back to reassure her. Nobody liked funeral homes or dead people.

“I don’t know. He had, like, the cross and a wallet with pictures of us in it. Nothing else. Not even a watch,” Ryan said.

“He always wore a watch,” Trey replied, nodding. “Things must’ve been real bad.”

“Things were always bad with him, you know? I just don’t get why this was different.”

“Times change,” Trey stated. “He might not have been able to adjust to the outside world. It is a big contrast being in jail or out. I mean, if it wasn’t for Rexanne and the kids…I might be just like him.”

“Rexanne?” Sandy whispered in Shannon’s ear curiously.

“Wife, or something,” Shannon replied equally quiet.

“You think I should’ve helped him?”

“You don’t want to know what I think,” Trey replied.

Ryan stared at him.

“We don’t owe this bastard anything more than a kick in the teeth and he stole that from us, too. I don’t think you should keep putting mom in rehab if she can’t stay straight. They didn’t do shit for you and you don’t owe them anything,” Trey replied. Sandy stiffened and Shannon had to put her hand on his arm to keep him from interfering in the intensifying discussion.

“Then why are you paying half of the funeral?”

“’Cause I owe you that. You never change, Ryan, you’re always going to do the right thing – and even if it’s not what I would do, I’m not going to flake out on something like this. I’d like to think I’ve changed a little since the last time we hung out.”

Ryan was silent and Sandy still seemed itching to get between them.

“I think where we differ is that you think of Dad like he was a person with a soul…and I don’t,” Trey said finally.

“Fair enough,” Ryan whispered.