Accessible Idea Of The Ages (sequel)

By That Guy In Everclear

“Well, I’m Waldo Schaeffer and this is Jim Morales, your old handyman at your old school, Mr. Della Robbia. I’ve been-a watching you. Ain’t that cool? I wanna be your…” the agent said to Odd, who’s freaking out at the site of Jim, who’s supposed to be in heaven, and at the Rodney Atkins reference.

Odd replied, “So you’re the guy who tried to kill Franz Hopper? Why?”

He replied, “I wanted to have the project, damn it! I wanted to have the damn project! I wanted to take over the world, but I can’t, thanks to Mr. Whiner in D.C.”

Odd replied, “Barack Obama?”

Waldo snapped back and yelled to him, “HELL NO, HE AIN’T!! HE’S GEORGE BUSH!! I SHOT HIM IN THE EYES!!! YES!! YES!!”

Odd, who’s freaking out at Waldo, does the Vulcan Grab on the agent and he fell over in a seizure.

Odd walked away, saying to Waldo’s thrashing body, “Well, Waldo. Nice seeing you.”

He then walked over to Lani, who’s enjoying herself at the bar, drinking several screwdrivers.

He said to Aelita’s mom, “Hey, Mrs. Hopper. How’s the afterlife treating you?”

Lani replied, “I don’t remember. All I remember is seeing a light when the final chord of ‘P-9’ came on and then I woke up in this laboratory with my husband’s friend, Waldo, removing some tubes from me. It was like I had spent 2 seconds in a Hot ‘n’ Now and I woke up there.”

Odd said to Lani, “I’ll be back” and got up from the barstool.

He ran upstairs to Aelita’s room and tried to open the door in haste.

“Damn,” he replied, “It’s locked.”

Inside the room, Aelita had a good reason why it was locked. She turned to her YouTube page and saw all of these people, these twisted and sick people, wanting to see her socked and bare soles.

One of them was a little user named “Cornholio”, who said in his post, “Please do what the people are telling you to do! I want TP for my bunghole!”

Aelita replied to him, “Sure, Beavis. Are you…you know…?”

He replied quickly in a post, “No. I want you to do that then pull your hoodie up to act like Cornholio, who has no bunghole! Bungholio…”

She then turned on her webcam and said, “Stupid requests. Here’s one.”

She put her socked soles to the camera and the people watching it are saying, “Wow. I thought we had requested sock puppets, but this is better.”

Odd, outside her door, is slamming himself against the door and yelled, “Aelita, you’d better open it up!”

Aelita replied, “I can’t! I have to do requests on YouTube!”

He replied, “Those bad ones?”

She replied, “Yeah! Don’t go in!”

Odd then broke the door open on the 30th self-slam and saw Aelita about to slide the end of her sock off. He ran and tackled her.

He then ripped out the webcam and yelled to her in fury, “Don’t ever follow those requests! They might want you to become Miss Sock-A-Lot or something like that! I need to tell you something!”

She replied, “Yeah. Some person dressed up as my mom came to the party.”

He replied, “Aelita, you don’t understand! She is your mom!”

Aelita puts back on her sock and stood up, standing like a rock with her mouth wide open.

She said, “Odd, what in the hell do you mean?”

He took her downstairs and showed her to Lani.

She said, “Hey, Aelita! How was the last 18 years on Earth…I meant 8 years?”

Aelita replied, “It is you, Mom! I thought you were a charlatan!”

Lani said, “Would I be fake if I did this?” and walks to Kristian Hopes’ drum kit.

She grabbed some Vic Firth sticks and starts drumming of what could be the hardest drum line in the history of drum lines: “Weber” by the Butthole Surfers, all parts.

Aelita’s jaw hung slack and said to her mom, “What time is it?”

She replied, “I don’t know.”

Aelita grabbed out a remote with a red button on it and said in an enthusiastic manner, “It’s time to unpimp your auto!”

She pressed the button and nothing happens in the vicinity.

Meanwhile, at Georgia Southern University, student John Strawbridge is driving his new car, a 1991 Pontiac GTO, around the town with Jesus Cordero when, suddenly, the car exploded, killing both of them.

One college man, Richard Schulz, ran to the scene of the crime and yelled to the world, “NO!!! NO!!!!”

He ripped off his clothes, leaving himself in only a bare butt (highly censored), and Dr. Takemoff (a doctor who rips off his clothes every time he has a patient) joined him in mourning.

Lani checks her watch and said to Aelita, “It’s 6:50 pm. We can go to Angus Young’s Roadhouse…Australian Style!”

All of the people agreed, with Jamieson saying, “It’d better be good.”

They loaded up into five Peugeot 201s and they drove off to the Angus Young’s Roadhouse…Australian Style.

When they got there, they parked in the parking spaces and went inside. It was packed, but because Waldo had made reservations 2 hours earlier, they got to a table and saw their menus ready to order. The members of Grinspoon start reading theirs and Phil slammed down his menu in anger.

He said, “This menu insulted us!! Look at the appetizers!”

Aelita opened her menu and scanned at the appetizers menu, which included Eric Cartman’s and Stan Marsh’s Turkey Bits, the Blooming Onion (not Bloomin’), Rudd’s Buffalo Wings, and the menu item that insulted Phil: The New Detention-Is-So-Damn-Stupid-And-They-Are-Wankers-And-Yobs-And-Phil-Loves-A-Feel-Good-Hit-Of-The-Summer Cheese And Nacho Fries.

Phil said to the gang, “I don’t like this at all! First of all, AC/DC called our album stupid; second, they called us yobs and wankers! That’s TISM’s idea! Finally, they call me a user of nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, marijuana, Ecstasy, and alcohol! That’s not right! They should respect bands like us!”

Aelita replied to him, “Jamieson, it’s just a tease…don’t forget c-c-c-c-c-cocaine!!”

At the table across from them, Angus Young drew a picture of Grinspoon getting mauled by teenagers.

After the chaotic dinner, they drove back to the Hermitage and they start partying more. Aelita and the gang went into her room and make themselves comfortable by any means necessary. Aelita took off her shoes and socks and slips into her pink flip-flops.

She said, “Now, gang. We’ll be splitting, but then we have blogs and stuff like that. Jeremy, you’re part of that ‘LocoFreak’ forum with Mewberries and Rhys Davies. What a hottie. You’re an admin, so you can make us a thread in BKO and we can try to update if XANA is still alive. I don’t trust his many losses to be circumstantial evidence. Yumi, you have that PureVolume site…oh, wait. That’s me. I have the PureVolume sites for both my mom’s old band and the Pop-Rock Progressives. We can use my mom’s old band to talk about the updates. Even though the Americans know our secret, but if they tell, the RTTP feature is going to start, even though it’s broken. The rest of the world mustn’t find out about the secret.”

Ulrich raised his hand.

Aelita said to him, “Yes, Lars?”

He replied, “Aelita, that’s it! I had it with the name-calling, Dimebag Darrell of Pantera! I love your glam metal crap better than ‘Cowboys of Hell’! Oh, sorry. Doesn’t Kadics know the secret?”

Aelita replied, “No, except for Sissi and Nicholas.”

William said to Aelita, “But what if the school blocks those sites?”

She replied, “We’re screwed for life.”

William added, “And why’d you put on you flip-flops? It was useless!”

Aelita then said in doubt, “It was…”

After that meeting, Aelita stayed in the room and relaxes her legs on the bed. She turned off the light and she started to flex her toes. She fell asleep and later woke up at 8 in the morning. She put her socks and Pumas on, put on her classic outfit from Season 2 (for nostalgia fans), and ran to Yumi’s house, where Grinspoon was spending the night, causing another argument to happen between Hideo and Mrs. Ishiyama and Yumi to cry more. She ran upstairs and saw Yumi lying on floor, restless from the night before and drunk as Santa Claus played backwards.

She slurred to Aelita, “How’s it going, Subdigitals? Where’s your golden sleigh to pull me in a conduit?”

Aelita replied, “Yumi, are you drunk?”

She replied, “Don’t talk to me, Hedy LaMarr. I have a very big hangover” and waddles to a pan.

She starts throwing up in it.

Aelita started to tear up and said, “Yumi, why are you drinking…” and saw the beer Yumi was drinking: O’Doul’s.

She continued, “…O’Doul’s? What the hell?”

Yumi got out her alcoholic buzz and said to Aelita, “Sorry. I drank a lot of sake yesterday and some Shirley Temple Blacks…and a Scott Weiland on the rocks…and a Subdigitals On a Golden Sleigh with extra Smirnoff…and a Russian Reversal…and an Oscar Wilde’s Revenge…and some Montezuma’s Revenge.”

Aelita stood still for a moment and said to Yumi, “You drank an alcoholic Shirley Temple, rice wine, Absolut with arsenic and pages of a forum, Sunkist, chicken, and Smirnoff, Smirnoff and Budweiser, Bass Pale Ale and chocolate-covered Lucky Strikes, and diarrhea from Mexican water?”

Yumi replied, “Yeah, pretty much…I drank diarrhea last night? It looked like Kahula and Bailey’s!”

Aelita replied, “That was mine. Some person took my crap out of the toilet and mixed it with some liquor they got from a grocery store.”

Yumi got mad and said, “Flush before you leave the bathroom next time!”

She threw Aelita out of a window and makes her land on Grinspoon, who are leaving the house. Both land to the ground with a loud bang.

Aelita said, “My pelvis! It broke!”

Aelita got up and limped back to the Hermitage.

Over at the house, Franz is at his computer, working on his new project, the Carthage II, which is supposed to revolutionize the home computer market by tenfold, maybe even twenty fold by adding the fastest modem in the computer, codenamed: “DLNBRTT”.

He turns around to see his daughter and said, “Hey, Aelita. Who broke your pelvis this time?”

Aelita replied, “Yumi. She got drunk on alcohol and crap. I’m serious. She drank crap.”

Franz grabbed a bucket and starts throwing up in it.

He then said, “Aelita, she drank diarrhea. Damn, she’s that drunk?”

Aelita replied, “Yes. I’d have to say she is. Well, Dad, after talking with the guys who made the Gofbot, what was its purpose?”

Franz replied, “They wanted to advertise for McDonald’s by making a useless site that was to be bigger than a Big Mac. Didn’t work, darn it. So, it’s just a useless commercial.”

Aelita limped back, upstairs, to her room, where Graham was, looking for his keys to the car.

She lied back in bed and said to him, “Graham, Yumi broke my pelvis by pushing me out of a window and making me land on Australians.”

He replied, “Aelita, maybe you should go to sleep…or go to the doctor. He’ll find out…because I don’t think that you can walk with a limp while you broke your pelvis. It’s undeniably a broken leg.”

He picked up his little sister and took her to the car. He cranked it up and soon, Odd Della Robbia, complete with purple hoodie, pink overshirt, blue jeans, and his gold-colored shoes, soon walks in the car with Ulrich Stern, in his Season 4 outfit (long sleeved shirt under short sleeved unbuttoned shirt, tight blue jeans, and his white sneakers).

They said to Graham, “Now, what’s wrong with her?”

He replied, “She broke her ‘pelvis’, but I think it’s her leg.”

He drove off and Odd said, “When Aelita breaks something, she breaks it in the exact spot. I remember Yumi, who was crying miserably over the phone just because she was so drunk, saying that Aelita fell on her leg, going near her buttocks, so we have a 50/50 chance.”

Graham replied, “What 50/50 chance?”

Ulrich replied, “The chance she’s right or the chance that you’re right…or she could’ve broke her foot. Yumi was still wasted when she saw Aelita land. From a drunk’s perspective, she saw it at the wrong angle, so she landed on her limping foot because if she broke her leg and her pelvis, she couldn’t walk at all.”

Soon, they reached the hospital and took Aelita through the emergency room. The doctors got her and they soon examined her, finding out that Ulrich Stern was right: she had a bum foot. They put a cast on it and she got some crutches. She went back to her friends after Graham had paid the bill and they went back to the car.

She said to Ulrich, “You were right. I had a bum foot.”

Ulrich said to Odd, “IN YOUR FACE!! NOW PAY ME MY $100!”

Odd handed Ulrich a $100 dollar bill. The German grabbed it and it shocked his hand, making him not feel it.

“ODD!!” Ulrich yelled, “What did you do?”

Odd replied, “Oh, sorry. He’s the real $100” and handed Ulrich a real $100 bill.

Ulrich grabbed it. Nothing happens.

He put it in his billfold and said to Odd, “Why’d you get the haircut?”

Odd replied, “Shall I have to tell you?”

(Flashback)

Odd was in the beginning stages of 11th grade and he saw his parents at the front gate. His blonde-haired dad was buff and wore a black t-shirt, blue jeans, and boots. His mom had brown hair and wore a pink hat, a pink scarf, a pink dress, and pink boots.

His dad held up a report card and yelled, “ODD DELLA ROBBIA!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, ALL YOUR GOOD GRADES?”

Odd fell onto the ground and said, “I thought you’d never know about me improving my grades!”

His mother replied, “That means we get to take you to that barbershop where Stephen Malkmus was royalty and cut your hair!”

Odd yelled, “NO!!!” and his parents grabbed him.

They try to drag him and he tries to grab onto the ground, but it doesn’t work. They walk to town and see the barbershop used in the “Cut Your Hair” video. They walk inside to find all 5 members of Pavement waiting for a haircut.

The barber said to Odd, “Walk to me, Odd. Let’s shave off that non-commercial hair.”

Stephen Malkmus and Scott Kannberg dragged Odd to the chair and they chain him in.

His parents watched in horror.

The barber grabbed out the scissors and said to Odd, “Now let’s make you look cute in front of the ladies, shall we?”

Odd yelled, “NO!!!!” and feels his hair coming off as the barber shaves it.

Stephen and Scott watched, entertained, while eating popcorn and Boiling Lava Hot Pockets (which destroy your mouth, causing you to taste rubber for a month) and said to Odd, “Go the distance!”

Soon, Odd is freed and looked at himself in the mirror after having his eyes closed. He then saw that he had a bit of a spiky hairdo, but shorter and not in his way of having it spiked.

He said, “You just ruined my image!”

The barber said, “No. I just made you cute. You were ugly the old way.”

Odd walked back to the school (after his parents pay for the cut) sulking until he then saw Emily, one of the ladies that didn’t like him at school, saying to Odd, “You look so cute. How’d you change? Haircut, I guess. I wanna go on a date with you.”

He replied, “So the haircut does make me cute! Yeah!”

(End Flashback)

After Graham had watched the flashback, he said to Odd, “Well, now I know why you have short hair now. Well, let’s take Aelita home and let her recuperate, but tomorrow, we’re heading over to my house and go to Disney-MGM Studios. She may have to stay here if she doesn’t feel well, but we can get her in a wheelchair and make her look…retarded.” Aelita replied, “I can walk on crutches. I want to go to Disney-MGM with y’all. I don’t want to stay with my dad. He might whip me for touching his vinyls again.” Graham replied, “Those were his floppies, Aelita. Don’t you get it? I told you that 3 or 4 years ago. Do you get it?” She replied, “Okay.”

Soon, after going through town, they drive back up the driveway to the Hermitage and Aelita grabs her crutches. She walks with them back to her room while Ulrich follows her with her shoe and sock. Franz looks at this and said to Graham, “What happened to Aelita? Come on, pour yourself a glass of 1,000-year-old wine.” Graham pours himself some of the very old Merlot into a wine glass and sits down on the couch. He said, “Well, you know Aelita’s friend, Yumi?” Franz replied, “Yeah. Why?” Graham continues, “Yumi has a bit of an alcohol problem and she was so freakin’ wasted that she pushed Aelita out of the window, causing her to land on Grinspoon and break her foot. Well, I talked with Yumi and Jamieson and they’re coming to Orlando with me. You want to come? We need 2 groups and 2 leaders.” Franz replied, “I’ll come. Is Aelita staying?” He replied, “No. She wants to come. Come on! She’s going to like Fantasmic and the Rock and Roller Coaster!”

Meanwhile, in Aelita’s room, Ulrich plugs back in the webcam Odd tore the plug out to save Aelita and the pervs out there last night. He lays the shoe and sock on the floor and said to Aelita, “I’m going to Orlando with your brother. Are you coming?” She replied, “For the last time, yes, I’m going. In fact, I think everybody’s coming. You know, everybody that was invited, including Sissi, William, and Dan?” Ulrich replied, “I though Dan was gone forever!” She then said to him in a creepy type of manner, “He isn’t. He got out of the grave thanks to Waldo Schaeffer. Well, it’d be nice if somebody took off my other shoe and sock. I feel like I’m going to sleep after reading these liner notes about a 102-year-old guitar player named Leo…” Ulrich replied, “Kottke?” and unlaces Aelita’s shoe. Aelita replied, “Yeah, it’s him. I’ve played this album before. It’s pretty good. I also enjoy the cover. It’s just that I sometimes fear an armadillo rampage led by puppets and virtuoso American Primitism guitarists on Takoma Records.” Ulrich replied, “You like that album? I mean, that’s what I only listened to when I was young! I loved the Armadillo album a lot! I mean, ‘Vaseline’ was freakin’ righteous to the bone, but then he came back with beautiful covers of ‘Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring’! Gosh, I just played that all of the time at my house and that’s what made me pretty good as a rhythm guitarist…and why my dad has a grudge against folk music” and pulls off Aelita’s shoe.

Aelita said to Ulrich, “Well, William got me this from a record store because he knew that I loved guitar music. I think it’s new. The vinyl doesn’t look scratched.” Ulrich pulls off Aelita’s sock and sets the footwear on the floor. He sits on the bed and said, “Does it say, ‘Distributed by Concord Music Group’?” Aelita pulls out the record and said to Ulrich, “No. It said ‘Distributed by Chrysalis Records’.” He replied, “That’s a 1971 pressing you have. Do you want the record put on?” She replied, “ I guess so.” Ulrich grabs the vinyl and places it on the record player. He puts the needle on and it starts playing the song “The Driving of the Year Nail”. He said, “I’m going back downstairs to enjoy some wine and talk to Graham about crap.” Aelita replied, “Thanks for helping me.” Ulrich walks out and William walks inside the room. He said, “Hey, Aelita. What caused you to break your foot?” She replied, “Yumi pushed me out of a window. Why?” He replied, “Well, I’m going to talk with you for a while and compliment you on playing that record I got you. I knew you’d like it! I think it was new.” Aelita replied, “Well, Ulrich, who is a big fan of that record, knows that it’s not new. It’s from 1971.” William sits next to Aelita and said to her, “Well, are you going with Graham to…” She replied, “Yes. Are you?” He replied, “Yes, and so is Dan and Waldo and your mom. I mean, your mom’s hot! I can see why your dad married her.” Aelita replied, “Okay.” William kisses Aelita and then said to her, “I’m heading downstairs to talk with Graham and drink ancient Merlot. See you!” She replied, “See you soon!” William walks out and Aelita grabs out a saw from a toolbox. She cuts into the cast and starts to cut it off, feeling intense pain yet keeping silent about it.

Meanwhile, while downstairs, the boys, drunk off of the 1,000-year-old Merlot, start talking about Aelita. Graham said to Franz, “Well, ah um, I’m…uh…thinking that Aelita looks that a-very, a-very cute…I see bunnies!!” and falls down. Odd, Ulrich, and Franz do the same. William waits for the right time and soon falls down, experiencing an acid trip, because 1,000-year-old Merlot is actually LSD. The next day, Aelita wakes up from her slumber and finally feels the cool air on her broken foot, as she had successfully cut the cast off from it. She gets out of the bed and starts to walk a bit normally, but in pain. She grabs her shoes and socks and puts the footwear on. She grabs her suitcase (pre-packed by Ulrich as she was sleeping under the covers) and her iPod and walks out of the room with both of them, walking normally.

She heads downstairs and Graham looks at her broken foot. He said to her, “How’d you get the cast off? Do you know that you’re going to be in extreme pain?” She replied, “I know that, but I can’t really walk good in crutches and I don’t like the combination of having one foot clothed and one foot bare. It doesn’t feel right.” He replied, “Well, come on. We’re going to the airport to go to Orlando.” Aelita walks outside and puts her suitcase in the car. Ulrich gets it and cranks it up. He said to Aelita, “Get in…how in the hell did you get your cast off?” She replied, “I cut it off with a hacksaw. Why? I don’t like uneven combinations and I don’t like crutches.” She gets in the passenger seat, next to Ulrich, and said, “Well, are you taking anybody?” He replied, “I’m taking Odd, Jeremy, and Yumi to the airport, Graham’s taking Franz, Lani, William, and Sissi, Jamieson’s taking the band and Waldo’s taking Dan and Nicholas. Well, we’re off” and drives to the parking lot of the school, where Yumi, who’s in her Season 4 outfit, Jeremy, who’s in a red t-shirt, jeans, and his blue shoes, and Odd, who’s in his Season 4 outfit, except with jeans on, are with their suitcases. They put the suitcases in and they get in the back. Jeremy said to Aelita, “Hey, Hopper. Cut off your cast?” She replied, “Yeah, Belpois.” Odd replied, “Why do you two hate each other? I mean, you started it in April all because Aelita wanted to date other boys and got William.”

Ulrich drives towards the airport and Aelita said to Odd, “Yeah. I believe Jeremy just hates me because I’m not officially a geek anymore and don’t have to look like I’m off the cover of ‘The Lexicon of Love’ by ABC.” Jeremy replied, “Isn’t that what Canadians wear, Hopper?” Aelita replied, “No! I don’t see Geddy Lee wearing clothes like he’s from Miami Vice, damn it!!” Ulrich yells to them, “Shut up and let me drive towards the airport! Gosh! You and Jeremy have the useless feud ever!” Jeremy said to Aelita, “I just finally thought, I’m a jerk. I want to apologize to you. It’s okay if you date William, but please, be friends with me again. You don’t have to dress like that ABC album. Say, does Ulrich have it in his CD case?” Ulrich checks and finds “The Lexicon of Love”. He puts the CD in and they soon listen to what could be New Wave music from Britain.

Soon, Ulrich arrives at the airport and drops off the gang with their suitcases. Aelita, after trying to talk over the music for 10 minutes, finally said to Jeremy, “I’m sorry, Jeremy. Apology accepted.” Soon, the others come with their luggage and walk in the terminal. They get scanned for WMDs and are all clear, except for Franz, who had a gold filling in his mouth. They let him go. They get their luggage scanned and it was all clear, except for Franz, who had a box of replacement fillings for his teeth. Finally, the security guards say to him, “Why do you have fillings?” He replied, “You wanna see?” and rips out his filling to show a very bad-looking tooth. He puts it back in and said, “Don’t call me Cat Stevens.” The gang gets their tickets and boards the plane 10 minutes before they start checking it for takeoff. Aelita sits next to William, who is sitting next to his dad, as we all know as the famous trumpeter/record executive, Herb Alpert. She turns on her iPod, as the plane allows you to have electronics on while the plane is taking off and said to William, “Hey, William. Are you stoked about going to Disney World?” He replied, “Nope. Dad and I went there back in ’72, before they had Disney-MGM or Epcot or Animal Kingdom.”

Graham walks to Aelita and said, “Are you hurting?” She lies, “No” and he leaves. She slaps herself in the face for lying and said to William, “Well, are you stoked about going on an airplane?” He replied, “Not really. Dad and I flew around the world so he can perform his songs. Do you know that he’s…?” She replied, “Yes, I know. He’s a pretty awesome jazz trumpeter” and puts her broken foot onto the seat that she is sitting on. She takes off the shoe and sock and starts rubbing the pain out of it. William lays back on goes to sleep. He said to Herb, “Dad, wake me up when we get there.” Herb replied, “Okay, son” and gets out his carry-on, his trumpet. He starts playing it with a mute to lullaby William into a slumber with the song, “El Garbanzo”. Aelita, after rubbing her foot for about 2 minutes, puts the sock and shoe back on and puts it down. The stewardess said to her, “What do you want for lunch?” She replied, “I don’t really know. All I feel like is a Boiling Lava Hot Pocket and a Dr Pepper.” Soon, the stewardess sits down and the pilot said over the intercom, “This is your pilot, Captain Joey Spamatino, speaking. Don’t confuse me with the NRBQ bassist of the same name or else! Well, I just want you to know that everybody should have his or her seatbelts buckled, including that Belpois teenager, and that we are to be taking off in about 1 minute, so buckle the seatbelts!!” Jeremy buckles his seatbelt, finally, and so does about every other passenger on the plane.

Soon, 1 minute passed and the plane started to move down the runway and off the ground, heading to Orlando. Aelita said to Graham, who’s behind her, “Hey, brother. I just want you to know that I’m going to have a good time at Disney World.” He replied, “Okay, sis. Why’d I see you rubbing your bum foot?” She replied, “Well, I wanted to ease the tension within me.” Soon, the plane reach 22,000 ft. in the air and Aelita turns back on her iPod and plugs one earbud into William’s left ear. She puts on the other earbud and switches the song to some Leo Kottke. She puts the iPod on the table on her lap and the stewardess said to Aelita, “I have your food.” She hands Aelita a Boiling Lava Hot Pocket and a 24 oz. bottle of Dr Pepper. Aelita bites into the Hot Pocket and drinks her soda. The stewardess said to the sleeping William, “Sir, what do you want? Sir? Sir. Sir!!” She then slaps him and he wakes up, saying, “We’re in Orlando! Wow! Oh, wait. It’s just the stewardess. I want the fish…” She replied, “We don’t serve fish anymore. Remember ‘Airplane’?” He said, “Oh, wait. Do you have the steak?” She replied, “Yeah, and what do you want to drink?” William replied, “Crystal Pepsi.” The stewardess walks away and brings back a steak and a can of 16-year-old Crystal Pepsi. He starts eating the steak and opens up the can. He drinks it and said, “…and it tastes good after all of these years!” Aelita said to him, “I want a sip!” He hands her the can and she sips it. She said to him, “It does taste good!” and hands him back the can. The stewardess said to Herb, “Do you want a wine?” He replied, “No. I want a tequila for Tijuana.” She walks to the bar and gets some tequila from Tijuana in a wine glass. She hands him the drink and said, “Here’s your Mexican tequila from Tijuana.” He replied, “Thanks” and sips it, feeling the Tijuana Brass play in his mouth.

After pretty much being served, Aelita said to Graham, “I’m done, but my mouth feels like that it has been obliterated off of the map.” He replied, “Is that true?” She replied, “Not really. I calmed it down with soda. That Hot Pocket was not as hot as Jim Gaffigan said it was.” Graham replied, “Well, why’d you eat a Hot Pocket? I’m eating steak!” She replied, “I’m not in the mood.” Meanwhile, after finishing his lunch, William puts up the plate and finishes the can of Crystal Pepsi. He removes the earbud and goes back to sleep. Aelita puts in the other earbud and switches the iPod song to Kenny Rogers’ first hit, back from 1969: “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town”. She removes her shoes and goes to sleep.

END OF CHAPTER 1