Digimon Tamers
Blasted Teenagers

(WARNING: You may never look at Tamers the same way again! I've changed the fan fiction rating to 'M' just to be safe, mostly for coarse language and some crude humour. You've been warned; I don't want to see any complaints regarding what you've been warned about.)

It was a beautiful, sunny day. Guilmon was in his usual hiding place in the park. Of course, this story takes place several years after the D-Reaper incident. As the omniscient narrator, I am expected to explain everything that's going on. However, that doesn't mean I'm obligated. I'll take liberties, oh yes. There will be some ass to be kicked.

I have just been notified that narrators who act unprofessional shall be terminated immediately. Certainly I hope they're referring to my job, and are not actually threatening my life. Because if they are, then legal action shall take place. Okay, it is my job, and I've just gotten written up, again. Come on, it was $2.50 cocktail night last night! And karaoke!

Oh yeah, there's a story to tell. Anyway, Takato, as we all know, has also aged. Heck, everyone still alive during that time period has aged. I don't need to tell you that. School was done for the summer, and he was under a large tree drawing, a favourite pass time of his.

Guilmon was awakened about to perform his morning ritual: to search for bread. He attempted to speak, but the phlegm-y sound he produced started to make him cough. Then, before he knew it, a large development of phlegm was in his mouth. He turned to the side and spat it out. He sighed, and breathed in relief; his words no longer sounded blurred.

"Thank the maker!" he spat in a clear, crisp deep bass tone. Pulling out a cigarette from...somewhere on him (don't ask), he breathed heavily and lit the tip with the flame he produced. He took a few puffs and breathed a sigh of delight. "It's been ages since I could do this. Wow."

The teen years have started. Good luck, Takato.

Rudely tossing his cigarette butt into the forest despite a trash bin being nearby, he sniffed out Takato nearby. Approaching him, he started to nudge him.

"Yo, Takato, I'm hungry. Where's bread?" he asked bluntly. Takato, ignoring Guilmon, continued to draw in his sketch book.

Guilmon continued to nudge Takato. Then he grew frustrated, lifted his claw and took a swipe to the back of Takato's head. Takato, in obvious pain, dropped his sketchbook and clutched his head.

"Bitch, I am talking to you!" shouted Guilmon.

"Damn it, Guilmon, you couldn't wait until I finished outlining this, could you," replied Takato, checking his hands to see if there was blood. "Oh, great, you cut me. Thanks."

"You could have responded, too, jack-hole!"

"You blasted teenager..." muttered Takato. The studio audience, who was paid to sit and force laughter for un-comical, predictable humour, began applauding with appreciation to Takato's comment, which was related to the title of this very weak piece of fan fiction.

I've been told by the author not to make any comments on his work of crap--er, work of...'parody' I believe he calls it. Here's a tip; parodies are typically humourous. You suck.

Narration has been replaced. Apologies for the inconvenience, and thanks shall be given out to those patient enough to hang around this work in progress.

"I smell a Digimon," said Guilmon, his eyes now a bright yellow.

"Shut up, Guilmon. I'll get you bread, later."

---

"I don't know what to do, Henry," said Takato, drinking tea on Henry's dining room table.

"Well, the change in behaviour is pretty blatant. Have you noticed him listening to any peculiar music, lately?" asked Henry.

"Actually, now that you mention it..."

Takato told the story when one day, he was permitted by his parents to keep Guilmon at their residence above the bakery. He noticed some bizarre noises coming from his bedroom. He crept up to it, and was about to open the door, then heard Guilmon singing...

"Like a virgin...OOH!" There was a brief pause in his singing before he heard him say, "I...LOVE...MADONNA."

"Who?" asked Henry.

"Some American whore who makes pop albums," responded Takato. "That's what Guilmon says she is, anyway. And then, one day..."

Takato, later that week, went to see Guilmon at his hideout, when he found his Digimon patrtner...pleasuring himself to a large cut-out poster of Madonna.

"Takato, Digimon can't masturbate; they have no sex organs and can't reproduce."

"I didn't think so, either! But look at this!" Takato placed his backpack on the table and pulled out a large, white egg covered in red spots.

"That can't be a result of Guilmon pretending to jerk it."

There was an awkward silence and a strange look from Takato.

"What?" asked Henry.

"You don't seem the type to use that kind of word, is all," replied Takato. "Whatever. I saw Guilmon carrying this around. He had to have done...something to get it."

"Digi-eggs aren't that uncommon, Takato."

Suddenly, there was the sound of the floor creaking, as a very angry and hostile Guilmon emerged from behind Henry's couch and looked at Takato with blood lust in his eyes.

"Guilmon...?"

"My baby...give me my baby!" he shouted as he pounced on Takato, knocking over the egg, a hot cup of tea, and of course, Takato.

"Guilmon, what the fuck?!" shouted Takato in obvious anger and frustration.

"You...you want me to have an abortion, don't you!"

"What are you talking about?! Get off me!"

"How did you even get in here?" asked Henry, pushing off Guilmon and helping Takato to his feet.

"I am like the wind," responded Guilmon, his eyes still bloodshot. "I move with it."

Takato started smelling the air around him and made a wry look. Henry did as well.

"Guilmon...are you high?" asked Takato.

Guilmon stared at Takato for a few moments.

"No..." he responded, and started sniffing his arms and his chest nervously.

"Where did you get pot from?" asked Takato.

"Terriermon," replied Guilmon, who pointed to a stoned Terriermon on the sofa.

"Henry...mo-man-tai," whispered Terriermon, astonished by the size of his ears.

"You are in so much trouble," said a shocked Henry.

"Dude, your sister gave it to me. That is some amazing shit," he responded, laughing. "Guilmon, don't think any differently of me for saying this, but you have a sweet ass."

"I know, eh? I've been climbing a lot of stairs!" Guilmon turned his back to Takato. "Takato, Takato, feel my ass. It's like steel."

"NO! Both of you shut up!" shouted Takato, pushing away Guilmon's tail.

"Takato, my parents are going to be back in a few hours; what are we going to do?!" asked a nervous Henry.

"The smell's everywhere, Henry. You're pretty much screwed," responded Takato.

"Open all the windows."

Henry approached the balcony window and opened it all the way. He then went to each of the individual bedrooms and opened them as well while Takato took each of the lit blunts and tossed them out the balcony window.

He turned around and noticed Guilmon trying to bite into the egg.

"Hey!" shouted Takato, taking back the egg. "Don't eat it!"

"Pfft," responded Guilmon, blowing raspberries. "Who are you to tell me what I can and can't do. Knowing you, you'll just run off with another woman and won't pay child support! I can't bring a child into this world who will learn that his father quit on his family!"

"Sweet Mother Mary, I need a drink right now," muttered Takato

"Takato, remember the night when we made love?"

"Guilmon, shut up," responded Takato, putting the Digi-egg back in his backpack.

"You're not ashamed, are you? I thought you were fantastic. Yo, Taka-"

"Just stare at your claws, Guilmon," responded Takato, who grabbed a cloth from the kitchen and began to wipe up the spilled tea which was on the floor already for several minutes. Guilmon, astonishingly enough, stood still and stared silently as his claws. Slowly, he allowed one to fall on his side and stared in amazement at the other one.

"Wow...it's huge!" shouted Guilmon in excitement.

"That's what she said," responded Terriermon.

There was a brief moment of silence when both Terriermon and Guilmon exploded into laughter. Guilmon was laughing so hard that he had to drop on his knees, and Terriermon fell off the sofa due to his extreme laughter.

"I hate you both so much, right now," muttered Takato, picking up the tea cup which was still in one piece.

---

"It's amazing," said Henry on his cell phone to Takato. "I used so much Febreeze on the couch and I couldn't even get it out. Mom and dad are furious. I want to kill Terriermon."

"Terriermon said that Suzie got the stuff, didn't he?" asked Takato.

"It's impossible; she's been out of town the past week."

"How do you know she hasn't had it hiding in her room for the longest time. Terriermon obviously had gotten it from somewhere."

"No, Takato, you don't get it. Guilmon got it, and gave it to Terriermon. It's the only thing that makes sense."

"How does Guilmon have the resources to get pot?" asked Takato. "He has no money and doesn't have any social skills or 'street cred'."

Takato looked around and noticed Guilmon was on a street corner, talking to a prostitute.

"Cleveland steamer?" asked Guilmon. "That sounds pretty hot."

"I'll call you back." Takato angrily hung up, approached Guilmon and grabbed his arm, pulling him along.

"Man, Takato, why are you always killing my buzz?"

"You really don't understand the kind of trouble you're getting into."

"Discipline me, Takato," responded Guilmon.

"What?" asked Takato, releasing his grip and stared into Guilmon.

"If I've been naughty, then spank me. Spank me like the dominatrix did to that man on the HBO special that was on last night," said Guilmon.

"Guilmon...if I had a gun, I would pistol whip the living crap out of you right now," said Takato.

"Ah, but that is animal cruelty, is it not?" asked Guilmon.

"Oh...the things I could hit you with..."

"Takato, you coy dog," said Guilmon.

Takato blushed a dark red, then shouted angrily, "SHUT UP! That's not even funny!"

"Trouble at home?" asked a tall man wearing a dark suit, a blue tie, large sunglasses with long, thinblack hair waving in the wind.

"Who are you?" asked Takato. "Mind your own business."

"Oh, I believe this is my business, Takato Matsuki," responded the man, showing a badge. "Your recent record of abuse is apparent. This child is being taken into a foster home."

Takato stared back and forth between Guilmon and the agent for a few moments before responding, "Surely, you're joking."

"Oh, I'm serious," responded the agent, putting away his badge. "And don't call me 'Shirley'."

Guilmon spat. "Come on! That's not even your joke!"

"Yeah, I know," responded the agent, ashamed of himself.

"What is it with you two? Early Madonna music? Airplane jokes? Is this the 1980s?" asked Takato.

"I wish it was. I could have seen Poison live in concert," said the agent.

"Me, too! I...LOVE...POISON!" replied Guilmon.

"Shut up," said Takato.

"Regardless, you understand my situation. Surrender him to me, now," said the agent.

"No," said Takato.

"I give up," said the agent, then pulled out a communicator and said, "unleash the huge monster."

Suddenly, SabreLeomon appeared behind the agent, and growled loudly. He began knocking over buildings, uprootings trees and causing other sorts of havoc for no reason at all. People abandoned their cars and ran away screaming along with other pedestrians.

"What the...?" asked Takato. "You're going to have us killed?"

"Yup."

"This plot blows," responded Guilmon.

"Takato, we can beat him if we Bio-merge!" shouted Guilmon.

"No," said Takato, pulling out his D-Power and a few cards. "The fangirls would love that sequence far too much, with me being older and all."

Takato swiped a card across his D-Power, shouting, "Digi-Modify! Digivolution activate!"

The D-Power and cards had gone unused for a while, and without the aid of Calumon to create a successful Digivolution, something peculiar occured. Guilmon's figure changed all right, but to a form of a human. A businessman, to be precise.

"Guilmon digivolve to...Ted Turner?!"

"Who's Ted Turner?" asked the agent.

"I don't know," replied Takato.

"This is awesome! With millions of dollars at my disposal, SabreLeomon, your ass is grass and I'm going to smoke it!" shouted Ted Turner(mon?), pointing at his opponent.

"Just...kill it already," said Takato.

"Right. Lawyer Barrage!" shouted Ted Turner as countless other business men swarmed SabreLeomon with restraining order threats, sexual harassment threats, suing threats, stock market options, disclaimer details, and fashion consultation.

SabreLeomon found himself outnumbered, and barely held off the attack, eventually crushing all of the lawyers. But the threat of legal action damaged his mind mentally, and was severely weakened.

"Takato, it's not enough. I need more power!"

Takato swiped another Digivolution card, and Matrix Digivolution began. Once again, the digivolution occured, but was still in another form of a man.

"Ted Turner digivolve to...Seth MacFarlane?!"

"What is with all of these American references?! From a Canadian author!" shouted the agent.

"Hoser," responded Takato.

"Seth MacFarlane? Seth MacFarlane?!" shouted...Seth MacFarlane(mon). "How is Seth MacFarlane an upgrade from Ted Turner? I had money, I had lawyers!"

"Ohmigosh look! It's Seth MacFarlane!" shouted a Japanese fangirl from the distance. Suddenly, crowds upon crowds of girls and women combined started to create a large crowd around the battle scene.

"That ugly monster's trying to hurt Seth! Fangirls...Memorabilia Attack!"

The swarm of fangirls began throwing everything in their possession. DVDs, framed photographs, posters, yaoi fan fiction, their undergarments, perfume, and the rare shuriken was tossed at the SabreLeomon. It couldn't take the barrage and dissipated into data particles. The battle was over.

"Amazing," said the agent.

"OMG, girls, look!" shouted one of the fangirls. "Seth is here with Takato!"

"ROFL, I feel an AWESOME fan fiction idea coming! XD!" responded one.

"Oh, Em, Gee? Roffle? Ex-dee-exclamation mark? What?" asked Takato.

"He spoke! GET SOME OF HIS HAIR!" shouted another fangirl. The swarm began to close in on both Seth MacFarlane and Takato.

"Sweet fuck," responded Seth.

"RUN!" shouted Takato.

They ran for their lives. They were more fearful of what the fangirls would do to them than what the SabreLeomon would have done.

Oh, those crazy teens. Run on, you two. Run on.

"HELP US!" shouted Takato.

Sorry. I'm only the narrator. I can't do anything for you.

---

Takato and Guilmon are sitting in relaxed, studio chairs, prepared to speak to the audience.

"Hi. I'm Takato," said Takato, waving.

"I'm Guilmon," added Guilmon, also waving.

"We had a lot of fun, tonight. Especially this one."

"Good weed, man. Good weed."

"I'm sure it was. Now, some of you may have been disturbed by what you have read, and that is perfectly normal. But this was a very important tale of 'what if' that needed to be told. Isn't that right, Guilmon?"

"No, Takato, I'm going to have to disagree. I think the author completely killed the series with this type of story. Fangirls are going to want his head along with your hair."

"Well, the topic is debatable. You can call our radio show after hours to leave your input on this episode."

Takato suddenly noticed that his arms and legs were now chained to his chair.

"What the...?"

"Now, if you'll excuse us, Takato and I have some...quality time to share."

Guilmon began to slowly approach Takato, with the lights fading.

"Guilmon? What is this? Don't tell me...oh geez. NO! STOP!"

The lights were back on, as Guilmon was sitting in a chair next to Takato. Across from them was a big-screen TV showing the opening theme of a show.

"I...LOVE...THIS SHOW!" said Guilmon.

"Sex and the City?! No, change the channel, please!"

"Channel?" Guilmon laughed heartedly. "I've got all the seasons on DVD. We are going to watch every single episode!"

"You bitch..." scowled Takato.

"Shh...Takato...the more you squirm, the worse it gets."

So they watched hours upon hours upon hours upon hours of Sex and the City. Takato required psychiatric help for the following four months after the viewing. Guilmon is currently in Tokyo, who often consumes each Digi-egg he comes across.

THE END...sort of!