My Real First One-shot: The Swimming Pool Attack

By That Guy In Everclear

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Disclaimer: This story is my interpretation of what happened in “Crash Course”. In the episode, they talked about many XANA attacks, including 3 we have never really seen: an attack with trees, an attack at the pool, and an attack at the gymnasium. They don’t talk about it because it was way too embarrassing to them, so I decided to talk about the pool attack, as that is the most popular right now. Well, you might think that this is weirder than a Frank Zappa album. No, it isn’t. It’s just a very surreal XANA attack.

Now, here we go!!!

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Well, it was one day in August of 2005, after Aelita had her memories back, but before the official first day of school, that the heat wave was so hot that Ulrich was walking around in his bare chest to class, implying Mr. Delmas to get some buses to the pool. Well, Aelita and Jeremy were at the movies that day, watching “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” for some reason and Aelita was a bit sick, so they couldn’t come, but the other members of the gang could, so they got their bathing suits and towels together and ran to the bus. They got on and rode all of the way to the Y.

Meanwhile, Jeremy and Aelita were walking home from their outing and they go to her room, where she takes her boots off and gets into the bed. Jeremy kisses her on the cheek and says, “Well, I’ll see you later.” Aelita replies, “Okay. Have fun!” and starts to fall asleep.

At the entrance to the Y, the gang meets up and they all get changed into their bathing suits. They run to the diving board and hop in while a lifeguard ala Wendy Peppercorn watches them and applies suntan lotion. Odd looks at her and whispers to Ulrich, “She’s always there putting the lotion on the skin or it’ll get the holes again. I can stand to look at her. It’s time for drastic measures.” Ulrich slaps Odd and replies back, “Before you go drown yourself so you can kiss the lifeguard, Squints, why not you watch the Sandlot?” Odd starts to dive underwater and starts swimming to the 20 ft. area, where a bunch of divers and jumping off a 1,000-foot-tall diving board. Ulrich says to Odd, “Don’t go there or you’ll be doomed! You won’t come back!” and starts laughing when Odd swims back in a very fast pace. He grumbles to Ulrich, “You butthole.”

Meanwhile, Jeremy unchains his bike from the rack and starts to ride it towards the Stuckey’s on Kadics Road. He gets there in 10 minutes of pedaling very doggedly and puts his bike in their bike rack. He walks inside and says to the clerk, “Do you have any Pepto Bismol? I have a friend that’s sick and she needs it.” The clerk hands Jeremy a bottle of the medicine and he pays for it. He then eyes the candy collection, especially the pecan logs, and the clerk says, “Um, man?” to him.

Well, a man, already possessed by XANA, dressed up like Ronnie Kray in a disco outfit, walks in the store and yells to the clerk, “I’m robbing this store! Give me your Euros!” He sticks out an Armadillo album at the clerk and he starts laughing crazily. The robber gets out the vinyl and breaks it, forming it into a . The clerk gets scared and says, “I’ll give you your money!” He presses the silent alarm and it won’t go off. Jeremy yells to the clerk while eyeing the pecan divinities, “It’s a silent alarm! It’s not going to make noise!” The robber pries the register from the counter and when the police come in, he starts to hit them with the register and grabs Jeremy, along with the whole candy section, with him to his souped-up 1977 Chevrolet Camaro, where Aelita is, still sleeping, despite all of the yelling. Jeremy yells to the robber, “Why are you taking us?” He replies, “Look, I’m X-A-N-A and I can take you because in the show, I’m your enemy. Now to Wilco!” He drives to the Wilco convenience store and walks in to find a choir singing Rolling Stones hits while Mick Jagger bursts more veins by yelling a lot. The robber steals the whole cigarette section and yells to Jeremy, “Let’s get out of here before the fat lady sings!”

Suddenly, a 1,000,000-pound lady starts singing opera and Jeremy starts tap-dancing to it while XANA glares at him and grumbles to self, “What a freak show, like that Silverchair album.” He then shocks Jeremy and takes him to the car. He then hooks Jeremy and Aelita up to a machine that produces inside the person and then feeds it to them and starts to drive towards the Y, where he would attack. Aelita wakes up after having 12 pounds of acid in her and says to Jeremy, “Hey, Leonardo DiCaprio. I think you’re hot…sizzling…Western Sizzlin’.” Jeremy replies, “I see XANA. We’re in Candy Land now! Here’s that candy!” and feeds Aelita some laxative and Pepto Bismol. Her stomach growls and she mumbles, “Um, uh, Jennifer Love Hewitt, I don’t feel like that I’m actually in Wonky Willa’s world of confusion. I feel like that I ate HOT POCKETS!!!” XANA shocks her a bit and she starts to wince. Jeremy unbuckles his seat belt and takes off his pants, saying, “I’m Neil Young!!! Look at me fly!!” He starts to eat some Marlboros and spits them out, saying, “It’s not sugar! It’s mud! I’m in a mud trap!” Suddenly, XANA goes down a hill, heading towards the Y.

Meanwhile, Odd climbs up the ladder to the high dive and says to Ulrich, “Look at me, Lars!” Ulrich gets out of the pool and climbs up the ladder, yelling to Odd, “I’m not LARS!!!” Yumi yells back to them, “Will you shut up and dive?” Ulrich dives off first and ends up doing a belly flop/coffin on the 20 ft. side. He swims back to the other side and then screams, “MY ABS!!! MY BEAUTIFUL ABS!!!” Odd takes a deep breath and is about to jump until he sees a car about to crash into the window, aiming towards him. He is pushed off by the car and lands in the water, ripping his bathing suit in half and causing his s to be cut severely. Jim gets Odd and starts to bandage him while he tries to sew back on his bathing suit.

In the car, Aelita, who couldn’t take much more bowel movements yet still had the in her, aims her head out of the window and takes off her hoodie. She says, “Look at me! I’m Batman!” and starts to throw up into the pool. Ulrich and Yumi run out in panic and then see Aelita on . Ulrich yells to Aelita, “Why are you on acid?” She walks out of the car and says to them, “Should I tell you, I’M MICK JAGGER!!!” She walks into the ladies room and sticks her head in the bathroom vending machine, eating up all of the latex in there. Jeremy skips into the ladies room, saying to the people dressing up in there, “I’m Allah!” Some of the Muslims start to beat him up. He then tries to eat Aelita’s boots and socks, but spits them into the toilet, as they taste like mud to him. He faints and falls to sleep as Yumi walks in there.

Later that day, Aelita and Jeremy are in bed, but not in the same bed, and the gang looks at them like they were on acid. Ulrich says to Jeremy, whose effects are worn off, “Why did you come with XANA, eat Marlboros, and feed Aelita laxative and Pepto?” He replies, “Well, I was on acid, so I didn’t know anything, but I was sick.” Ulrich then asks Aelita, who’s still on acid, “Hey, Aelita. Why’d you eat latex?” She replies, “I’M FLYING THROUGH THE AIR!!! WOOHOO!!” Ulrich walks to Odd and yells to him, “You’d better not tell Aelita about this when she gets regular again or else she’ll go nuts!” So he did what Ulrich told him to do and that’s what really happened at the pool. Nothing much, just one bad acid trip and some vomiting. That's all.

THE END!!!