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A/N:: It's a sad piece, it wasn't meant to be, but my story came from the heart. Damn all this emotional shizzle, just leave a review and i'll be happy. This is quite long as well:S
Disclaimer: Nikki, Diane and Jo don't belong to me. If they did I wouldn't be hear writing fiction, because Diki and Jam would've happened and everyone would be happy.
Warning: This story contains femmeslash, lots and lots of the stuff, and quite a bit of swearing, so if you don't like it, run, run, run NOW!
To cry is to know that you're alive
But my river of tears has run dry
I never wanted to fool you, no
But a cold heart is a dead heart
And it feels like I've been buried alive by love
When you look me in the eyes, all I see is the warmth, caring and loving side. The vibrant blue contrasts with you pale skin. They are deep, deep pools that mean so much to me. Your eyes put your entire body into perspective, your entire existence on earth is perspective by those eyes. Beauty.
At the annual Sun Hill karaoke competition I see you milking it as everyone claps their hands in time to the song, the smile on your face radiating the smoky room, I was sat at the back on my own, beer in my hand, trying my hardest not to look in your eyes, your husband is sitting at a table with some of the other members of uniform and I don't need any sort of attention from him. It breaks my heart everyday just to know that you and him as still having sex.
As you step down from the stairs everyone's clapping as Inspector Gold takes to the stage, we all no this will be the biggest part of hell of the night. I would go up there, sing a cheery, happy song, get everyone smiling just like you did. Except I can't find the happiness, even in the deepest part of my body to do that. You haven't spoken a word to me all night. No even a passing 'Hey' or anything. Just plain ignoring me. And I want to know why but I can't go and ask. I stand up, hoping to escape from the heat and smoky atmosphere of this room. I grab my bag and walk outside, breathing in fresh air, and step towards the women's room. I check the cubicles for people, and as Kezia walks out of the door, I punch the wall as hard as I possibly can. Shit. That hurt. But I do it again, and again. I can't feel my hand now. It'll be bruised and bloody and sore tomorrow, but at the moment I just don't care.
I don't here the door to the womens opening. I feel hands grabbing my arms. I turn, preparing to punch whoever is disturbing my personal beat-myself-up session, but then I realise it's Jo and I see the sympathy in her eyes, and I look straight into them and fall immediately into her arms, the tears come streaming down my face and Jo's top will, no doubt, be soaked in a few minutes, but I don't care. She caresses my hair, and slowly my sobbing subsides. I look up, pulling myself out of Jo's caring, friendly embrace I run my fist under the cold water, I'm painfully aware hoe much it'll hurt tomorrow, and the next day. Neither of us talk, and the silence isn't uncomfortable - it's questioning. "What happened?" Jo breaks the silence. I stare into thin air. I don't want to talk. Not here. But she'll make me, I no it. But I don't even no what happened. "I...I don't no." I say, wow, i'm surprisingly helpful today. She gives me a sceptical look, "It was just...seeing Nikki on that stage, it just, I dunno, she's been ignoring me all night. I don't no what she wants - she's not using me for sex, I know that much, she's still shagging that prat of a husband of hers. God Damnit!" I say loudly. I turn to Jo and she's giving me that 'sympathetic' look. I shoot daggers at her. She knows I hate sympathy. "So...anyway, what's going on with your love life?" I ask, wanting to talk about anything but me, it doesn't work unfortunately. She smirks, "You're not getting away that quickly missy! You need to ask Nikki this stuff? Is your affair just a bit of fun, or something more, cos if it's just fun for her, you need to get out of there quickly hun, I can see it in your eyes." she pauses and takes hold of my hand, "You're falling for her, aren't you."
I can't bear to hear those words. I suddenly feel nauseous and the room starts to spin, I only just make it into the cubicle before the contents of my stomach are shaken on a journey straight into the toilet, Jo joins me almost instantaneously and I feel the comforting rubs of her back, the heaves don't stop, that's all it is now, there is no food in my stomach to be brought up. As I finish heaving I lean backwards onto Jo and close my eyes. I feel so ill. I just to curl up in a ball and sleep. With Jo's help I stand up, I lean against the sink and wash my hands. I hear the toilet flush and I suddenly know why I became friends with Jo. She's such a great person.
I splash some water over my face, looking in the mirror I see how pale and tired I look. "I think I should go home." I say, and Jo agrees, "I'll give you a lift, I think I should go myself - Sam seems more interested in Phil than me." I put my arm around Jo's shoulder and we walk out of the entrance together. As we walk to Jo's car, I see to people making out in the bushes. I turn around, determined not to look at my lover kissing her husband with more passion than there has been in our relationship for weeks.
I pull open the door to Jo's car, and slam it closed with such force the whole car shakes. It doesn't stop Nikki and Doug though. As Jo sit in the drivers seat I lean my head back, I can feel the tears threatening to cascade out of my eyes. The engine roars into life and the CD player plays once again. It's the CD I made Jo for Christmas, I put on loads of dodgy love songs, along with a bit of loud, metal head-banging stuff. Kurt Cobain's heavy, strained lyrics scream out of the speakers and it puts a smile on my face. I love Nirvana. They calm me down, no matter how loud the music is.
The drive to my place is silent except for the music coming out of the stereo. Neither Jo nor myself want to talk, me especially. We draw up at my block of flats, "You want to come up for a quick coffee?" I ask my friend and she nods, parking and turning off the engine. The chilly evening air hits me and suddenly I wish I had a jacket. We walk briskly towards the front door, and make our way up the two flights of stairs, the elevator, or course, being out of use.
When we get inside I turn on the light to find a large bouquet of red roses sitting on the floor, with a note. "Call me" it said. I pick up the bouquet, cursing the thorns as I prick my finger, "Sounds omnious, 'call me', could me anything," Jo says as I put the roses in the sink, filling it with water. She boils the kettle, I think she knows her way round my kitchen better than I do. I sigh and sit down in the nearest chair. "What am I going to do? This relationship was just a little bit of fun. Fucking each other wherever and whenever the mood took us. And now I'm falling for her and she's just ignoring me like we have been fucking each other for weeks. This relationship was doomed from the beginning. Ahhh! Fucking hell, Jo, this wasn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to be jealous of the man she married years ago. I'm meant to be the bit on the side, the other bit, when she didn't want any cock. Everything is just so fucked up! I just...ahh. I want someone to love who loves me back. Not someone who just a quick fuck at my place." I exclaim, all my anxieties being chipped away at as I let out everything I'm feeling at the moment. Jo passes me the coffee and she sits down. I take a large gulp, only to shoot straight upwards, " Shit, shit, SHIT!" I exclaim loudly, putting down my coffee and filling a glass of water, I down the water and Jo just sits there smiling at me. "What?" I say irritably, "It's not even funny. That coffee fucking burnt my tongue!" I moan. Jo takes a sip, and I laugh as she splutters. We move into the lounge, drinking in silence.
"Do you genuinely think Sam is interested in Phil?" I ask, remembering our earlier 'chat' about Sam. Jo's face sinks and I knew I shouldn't have brought it up. "Yep. I really do. She keeps flirting with him. It's so unfair, I mean, don't get me wrong, I no she's straight, I just don't think I'd be able to stand it if she goes out with him. He's my friend, and everything, but he can be such an idiot at times, and I don't want Sam to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. Going into work everyday, knowing that my chance of getting with her is gone, totally, whilst she dates that ratbag." she says, I feel sorry for her. Sam's sure as hell straight, but she just has to live with it. "I got my crush, now she's just totally ignoring me for her husband, God Damnit. Maybe I should just break up with her. She obviously loves Doug. Damn, I'll be crushed for a bit, but then I'll go and pick up some hot woman and have cheap, meaningless sex all night long, then leave early the next morning without leaving a note or my number. Nikki or some random woman. Fuck this, I want Nikki but she's just so damn distracted by her motherfucking husband!" I rant and rant, Jo leans back, her head on the back of my comfy sofa, she rubs her temples. She sighs, I think she's getting bored of this conversation again, "I need something stronger than coffee," I say, and go to get up, but I am dragged down by Jo, "Don't drink. You'll have a hangover tomorrow and you don't want Nikki on your back, from what I can tell, you don't want her at all!" I drop back onto the sofa with a soft plop and give Jo a glare, she's teasing me now, and I really don't want it. And she knows it, "I want her and you know it. I just...I can't stay with her whilst she's just using me as her fuck buddy. I don't want it!" I say. I curl my legs up on the sofa and hug myself, bowing my head, I feel the tears creep their way down my face again. I'm not normally this fucking weak. I don't think I've cried over Nikki before. I start to shake and Jo shuffles towards me, pulling me into a comforting embrace.
I strip of my clothes and loosen my hair out of a tight ponytail, the room is deserted - most people are already in the briefing. Then I hear the door open and I look around to see my her smiling at me. Oh God. She descends on me like a lion stalking her prey, and pretty soon I'm backed up against my locker room. Her lips close softly around mine and she kisses me passionately, I willingly open my mouth for her tongue to enter, I moan as she slips a hand over my stomach and around my hip, her lips leave mine and I moan in protest, but I smile when her lips attack my neck, hard and ravishing at the same time soft and gentle, "Mm...oh God, don't stop Nikki.." I moan out, all rational thoughts have quickly disappeared from my brain, she's turned me into mush. Again. She continues to bite and scratch and suck on my neck, full well knowing my shirt won't cover it, and lean my head backwards, so she has better access.
Quickly Nikki's jacket has fallen to the floor, along with her shirt, jeans and underwear, along with Diane's. They shouldn't be doing this here, but they are. Their passion for each other is all to much. "Oh...God...Diiiii...mmm...right there.." Nikki moans into my ear as my fingers continue to devour her nether regions. As she comes she collapses on the floor in a heap, and I stand up grabbing my underwear, I begin to get dressed and, as Nikki sits up, I tell her she better get dressed as well, "For as long as this is just an affair, no one can know about it, remember, we don't want to break your damn husbands heart now do we, Nikki!" I say spitefully before slamming my locker shut and all but running to the canteen.
I grab a bacon sandwich and sit down, on my own, not with Roger, Tony and Emma who I can hear asking me to come and join them. I sit staring into outer space, until I hear the chair next to me screeching. I look round to find Jo. I try and give her a smile but I can't force anything happy from my depressed, tired body. "You ok?" She asks, I know I cannot lie to her so I shake my head and look down. She stands up and taps my shoulder, "Come with me." she says. I follow, and when she takes my into the locker room I shoots daggers at her. I no Nikki will probably still be in here getting dressed.
"You two need to talk," Jo says, she certainly doesn't beat around bush. As my friend walks out of the locker room and closes the door, I sit on the bench in the middle of the room. I'm sure as hell going to hurt Jo tonight. This is going to be incredibly difficult. "Hey sweetie," Nikki says, sitting down beside me, I turn away when she looks at me, I'm not sure I can look into her beautiful eyes without breaking down. And I refuse to let that happen today. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be here," I say, and Nikki looks at me sceptically, her eyebrow raised, her hands on her hips, "Why not? We just had sex, you have a go at me and run out. Di, we've been making love for weeks." Those words shock me, we haven't been making love ; we've been fucking. To her it was nothing more than a bit of fun, fucking and fucking and fucking. I was her bit on the side. "Making Love?" I splutter, I can't control myself any longer, "Making love? That wasn't making love, that was fucking. Pure, passionate fucking!" Nikki's expression falters and she looks down. "You didn't want anything more than a bit of fun!" I shout, continuing in my breaking of Nikki. "So of course, I expect you to ignore me all of last night, then come in this morning to have, ooo .. a bit more sex, but I mean, obviously not as much as you had last night with that bloody husband of yours." I've stopped shouting now, and Nikki stands up, "You mean more to me than a quick fuck, Di, you no that!" she says, I shake my head and stand up, so we are facing each other. "I don't no that. I don't no anything anymore. This was all meant to be a bit of fun for both of us. But now it's not, now your off fucking your husband again you don't need me, do you!" Nikki reels backward, she looks like she's been mentally slapped. "And you not what, I wasn't meant...I didn't mean to..." I falter, "I DIDN'T MEAN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU, NIKKI!" I scream, I wouldn't be surprised if the rest of the station heard that. Nikki collapses to the floor of the locker room and I prepare to walk out, but as I move, she grabs my ankle, and I trip over, landing on top of her. She smiles slightly at me, and locks her lips to mine, for a second I kiss her back, but then, realizing what I'm doing, I break back, I get off her, and stand up, my leg hurts but I don't care. The only pain I can feel is in my heart. "I'm so, Di, I can't leave my husband for you, I have two kids to look after, and I love him." My heart breaks just at the look in her eyes, I can't stand to listen to this.
I run out of the locker room, past Jo, who has been waiting outside for one or both of us to exit, I run past every member of the station. Past Inspector Gold and the Super, I run past Smithy and I run past Roger and Tony and Emma and all of my friends. I run past Doug Wright, he's at Sun Hill for some reason. I backtrack a few paces, "Look after her Doug!" I say quietly, he nods and I continue to run, I run all the way down to the river, I slow down and start to walk, I walk and I walk, all day, no one tries to contact me. Except Jo, I refused to pick up my phone, even to the best friend I have.
When I wind up back at the station just as dusk is settling I see Sam leaving with Phil, a smile on her face, poor Jo, but then I see Jo herself, a large smile on her face, leaving with that Crime Scene Examiner, Lorna. At least one of us is happy. I change quickly and quietly, I put my hand-written resignation on to Gina Gold's desk and turn to leave, I catch sight of Doug, walking along, hunched with tears streaming down his eyes.
I see him walking towards the canteen, and, as I leave Gold's office, I come face to face with John Heaton. He looks sad, down for some reason. "Nikki killed herself." he says simply, and walks off. I walk off in a daze, through all the corridors of Sun Hill, down the streets of London, onto a tube in the rush hour, and suddenly I am on a train to Brighton, to see my son. He's the only thing that matters now.
If I should die before I wake
Pray no one my soul to take
If I wake before I die,
Rescue me with your smile
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