An old fanfic of mine revived and dragged into greater depths of insanity, I know the original is about on the internet somewhere. I don't recommend finding and reading it though for it's rathyer chronically bad. On that note, I don't recommend reading this either. Incredibly random out of character-ness as well as the total absurdity of the story itself. Should be a good laugh though… right? I warn you now, there's a fair bit o' swearing and plenty of slapstick violence. And worst of all, horribly stereotypical British accents.

I don't own Kingdom Hearts, moogles, or anything in this story at all ever.

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‘Twas a most peaceful day on the Destiny Island’s; the sun was shining, the sea was calm, and monkeys were throwing coconuts at passers by.

“OW! They hit me again!” said Sora, pointing a gloved finger at the palm trees, which were shaking with chattering laughter. One of the monkeys stuck its head out of the leaves and blew a raspberry.

“Insolent curs! Thy reign of terror ends here!” he bellowed, brandishing his wooden sword and charging forward-

-where he was promptly hit on the head by a coconut and knocked out.

“Riku, he’s knocked himself out again,” said Kairi, not bothering to open her eyes. This was the umpteenth time Sora had done this. Every time he got knocked out he acquired short-term amnesia, then the whole monkey-coconut sequence happened all over again.

Riku opened his eyes and turned his head to spot Sora’s limp form being pelted with coconuts. He sighed, not wanting to prize himself away from sunbathing.

“Bugger that. Wakka, you can move him.”

“‘Ey, he’s your Uke you shift ‘im,” said Wakka, who was pre-occupied with doing headdies with his blitzball; which was rather painful seeing as a blitzball is disturbingly knobbly. But moving swiftly onwards (to more pain).

Riku turned himself over to face Wakka, took aim, and kicked him in the shins. Wakka yelped in pain and his blitzball thumped to the floor. He kicked the sand in frustration then stormed off in Sora’s direction, tightly clutching his blitzball. He was not quite fool enough to mess with Riku, who was abnormally muscled for a sixteen year old. Steroids or not he was still damn tough.

The monkey’s ooked as he approached stopping their coconut barrage on Sora long enough to peer at the new arrival. Wakka approached them slowly, maintaining eye contact as he shuffled closer to his destination. The monkey’s retreated into the foliage to huddle and Wakka seized his chance. He dashed forwards and dragged Sora out of coconut range before you could say ‘I’ve got a luverly bunch of cocounuts’.

However the monkey’s seemed strangely uninterested as they busied about beneath the leaves. Wakka tossed Sora onto Tidus (“bloody ‘ell ‘e’s ‘eavy!”) and started doing keep-me-ups, unaware of the evil plan formulating behind him.

“Ook?” questioned monkey number one.

“Ook ook!” declared monkey number two.

“SCREEEEEE!!”

As one the entire legion of monkeys came bounding out of the trees from all directions, palm leaves tied to their backs in a winged monkey’s of Oz imitation. The small gang of teenagers barely had time react before they were set upon by the chattering primates.

A few scrawled onto Wakka’s head, mauling his ginger locks for massive damage. In his desperation to stop them messing his hair he went to head-butt the nearest hard object. The monkey’s leapt away just before Wakka’s head collided with Riku’s six-pack knocking himself out and Riku over. Immediately the monkey’s leapt onto the two boys pinning them down.

Selphie tried to bat them away with her skipping rope, but they overwhelmed her and tied her up. Kairi ran over to help but was knocked into the sand by a half dozen monkeys.

“Sora you toss-pot wake up and help me!” yelled Kairi, much to the indignation of the others. Sora woke up with a grunt.

“Blimey, what do I have to save you from this time?” he muttered. He rolled over and saw that monkeys had pinned down all his friends. He blinked and just stared, wondering if he was seeing things right.

Taking advantage of his confusion, the last batch of monkey’s charged forwards and clasped his wrists and ankles making him immobile.

“Well, that’s a bugger,” commented Sora, still somewhat detached from the situation. Kairi just huffed in frustration acquiring a lovely lungful of sand.

As Kairi’s coughing fit subsided a grand old monkey hobbled into the middle of the group using his rune-carved staff for support. He surveyed the captured teenagers and raised his staff into the sky.

“Oh almighty Moogle Gods! We offer you this sacrifice of hormonal teenagers to thy merciful glory!” he squawked, “We pray that this gift appeases thee and that thou shalt keep our harvests bountiful and our clan prosperous!”

He slammed his staff three times then screeched at the rest of the platoon. They all bounded off towards the small boats and immediately set sail, leaving the gang stranded.

They got up one by one, watching the little boats diminish slowly into the horizon. No one said anything for a few minutes, their mouths dangling wide open. Sora’s brain had finally caught up with events by this time and he started hopping on the spot in rage and bellowed every insult under the sun at the monkeys. They ignored him however, and concentrated on getting as far away from the island as possible.

“Hah! Obviously scared of me the cowarding cretins,” smiled Sora, performing a little victory dance.

“So you scared them off into our only transportation back?” glowered Riku.

“What?? Or er.. no no! It was all part of their ridiculously evil monkey plan of terror! Which has nothing to do with me trying to attack them.”

He grinned hopefully but Riku was looking somewhat murderous. He started to advance when something whacked him on the head with a small ‘kupo!’

“Oh that’s you bastard you’re going down!” he yelled pouncing on Sora.

“I didn’t do anything you mangy ragamuffin!” Sora yelled back, struggling with him.

“Who’re ya calling a muffin!!” shouted Riku and they both fell to the sand and tussled violently much to the amusement of everyone present. Wakka, Tidus and Kairi were chanting ‘fight fight fight!’ Selphie however, was more interested in the small creature that had fallen out the sky.

“You alrigh’?” she questioned it, pulling it’s pompommed laden head out of the sand.

“Aye lass I be well enough kupo,” it grunted, shaking the sand from its small ears.

“So uhh, what ‘re ya exactly?”

The white thing looked up at her angrily and kicked her.

“Ow! Wot was that fuh?”

“Are ye as stupid as ye look kupo? Ah am a wee moogle kupo.”

“A bloody wot?”

The moogle ignored her and surveyed the rest of the Destiny Islands gang with speculative interest. Then it proceeded to examine the sand and it gave a decisive nod. With an air high superiority it yelled ‘KUPO’ with as much loudness as it could muster. It stopped Sora and Riku fighting and the sky above them began to rumble.

Looking up, the few clouds in the sky were coming together and steadily growing grey as they did so. Within a few short moments the clouds had formed the shaped of a generic moogle, pompom and all.

“Blimey,” said Sora, and Riku punched him in the face.

Little squeaks of ‘kupo’ started filling air, and a torrent of moogles came cascading down out of the heavens. Soon they were hitting the sand, trees, and thick skulls, bouncing off with no apparent harm to their being. The Destiny Islands crew weren’t quite so lucky. They were hit frequently and relentlessly turning them black and blue, it was only after they were knee deep and moogles did they have the wit to take shelter in the small hut.

After five minutes of wading through moogles they made it into the hut, slamming the door before any could get in. They looked at each other, all sore and a lobotomy’s worth of brain damage. Not that it makes an awful lot of difference.

“Wot th’ ‘eck do we do now?” asked Selphie.

“I know!” proclaimed Sora, “ the keyblade always saves-the-day! … Good heavens how smashing!”

In his outstretched palm materialised the keyblade, this particular model crafted especially to banish the likes of the moogles from Destiny Islands. Similar moogle destruction weapons appeared conveniently in everyone else’s grip.

“Tally ho!” said Tidus starting towards the door, but Sora yanked him back.

“Excuse me foolish whelp I shall lead the onslaught. CHAAAAARGE!!”

The all swept magnificently out the hut, where they were buried by an avalanche of moogles.

“Oh marvellous, thanks a lot Tidus,” moaned Sora.

“Oi!”

Tidus’ complaint was lost in the sheer loudness of the moogles constant cries of kupo, which seemed to be forever increasing the volume of moogles consuming the island. The gang attempted to bat them out the way and reach the top, but ten days later they were no nearer of getting clear of them. Though technically their eardrums should be shattered and them all dead by starvation, but we’ll overlook that small detail shall we? Jolly good.

“Well this is getting us nowhere fast,” said Riku.

“Well, we haven’t actually just asked them to leave have we?” said Kairi. Ignoring Riku’s groan of exasperation she got the attention of the nearest moogle. “Excuse me? But would it be so rude of me to ask you moogles to consider leaving? I’m sure there are much better islands for you to inhabit.”

She fluttered her lashes at him and he turned to converse with the moogle to his right. They talked swiftly exchanging my ‘ayes’ and ‘buts’ until the original moogle shifted around.

“We have considered yer request silly bairn an’ shaa indeed leave kupo,” he stated. He stuck his fingers in his gob and gave a great whistle at which all the moogles fell silent. Then with no warning whatsoever they shot as one back into the sky, dropping the gang unceremoniously to the ground.

Kairi grinned haughtily at Riku.

“Well,” said Sora, “thank goodness that’s over.”

“Wonder where they all are now?” pondered Tidus, looking up at the sky.

Meanwhile in Hollow Bastion Maleficent was in total shock over all the moogles that has just come pouring out of Kingdom Hearts, which she had purchased from eBay.

“I must say one does wonder where all these moogles have come from. One was supposed to have obtained incredible power! This certainly was not in the item description, I daresay I shall have to leave negative feedback!”

Maleficent was wrong, she had obtained an incredible power, just not one she could wield. Because, Kingdom Hearts is neither darkness or light,

IT

IS

MOOGLES!!!

kupo

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Well, if you managed to survive it all I’m very impressed. I beg you not to kill me though. I'm convinced moogles should be Scottish for some reason. Do leave reviews and point out any mistakes I made with grammer.

Flamers (not that I'm expecting any coughhackcough) shall be newted. :3