Author’s Notes: Thanks to everyone who’s come along for the ride on this story, especially to the people who took the time to write such thoughtful comments—you’re great! Chapter 4 will return us to Dee and Ryo, but before then, I hope this chapter gives some insight into JJ’s perspective, his history, and the emotional turmoil beneath the surface. Enjoy.

Libido 3

JJ drank him in with his eyes. Still beautiful. Dee was always good for that. His shirt hugged his chest, revealing hard muscles beneath the thin layer of charcoal gray cotton. JJ knew from their days together on the force that Dee believed it important for cops to be in peak physical condition. He’d said that if even one criminal evaded arrest because he was in poor shape, that was one too many. A fit body was as important a tool to an officer as a gun or a radio. Earlier, JJ had wondered if settling down to domestic life with Ryo would change any of that, if his body would go soft from too much home cooking, from romantic evenings at home instead of nights at the gym. But Dee looked as good as ever—better even. Ryo had full access to those strong arms, the hard flat stomach, the muscular buttocks that filled out his jeans so nicely it was criminal…

Ryo, I hope you appreciate what you’ve got, you lucky bastard. You’d better be treating him right…

Dee’s interest was flagging fast. His green eyes flitted again toward the door.

“So, can I buy you a drink?” JJ offered, his voice bright. If Dee’s talks at the water cooler were any indication, he wasn’t a man to turn down a free drink. When he made bets with Ted and Drake at work, it was almost always for the bar tab, not cash.

Dee shrugged one shoulder. “Sure,” he said with a smirk. “I’ll have what you’re having.”

JJ leaned up against the counter and the short-haired bartender appeared right away. She flashed a playful smile at his familiar face.

“Hey, JJ. What can I get you?”

“Two Tokyo teas, please.”

“You got it.” She turned away and began deftly upending liquor bottles into two glasses.

Dee gave a derisive snort and shook his head.

JJ put a hand on his hip in mock sternness, but his smile stayed. “What? You got a problem with my order?”

“I should have known you’d order a girly drink.”

“A Tokyo tea isn’t girly! It’s as strong as a Long Island!” JJ held his smile, but inside he felt a hurtful stab. It was pathetic, but as long was it was from Dee, any criticism stung.

“Anything made with Midori and served with a maraschino cherry is girly by default.”

Ah, the Zen of Dee. Blunt, a little sexist, and unashamedly opinionated. He could have been quite a jerk if he wasn’t so damn nice. Those green eyes and dark lashes didn’t hurt either…

“Well, maybe the ones you’ve tried before were weak, but you haven’t tried ‘em here. I’m good friends with the staff at this place and they mix ‘em nice and strong for me. Two or three of these will have you passed out on the floor guaranteed.”

It was a cheap shot, but JJ couldn’t help adding his last comment as a challenge of sorts. Dee was smart, but a prideful brute. JJ bet that Dee’s competitive nature would get the best of him and he’d rise to the challenge on principle.

“We’ll see about that! Order me another round when she comes back.”

Same old Dee. Sexy as hell and probably the last queer “nice guy” in New York, but he was easily tricked by his own hubris at times. To JJ who had studied Dee for years, it was a little eerie just how easy he was to manipulate.

He sullenly thought to himself how Ryo probably didn’t know Dee a quarter as well as he did. When would Dee ever wake up and look past that vanilla redhead and see what a treasure he could have in JJ instead?

“Here you are, boys.” The bartender thunked two glasses of green syrupy liquid onto the counter in front of them. Each glass was adorned with a maraschino cherry and a twist of lime.

In hindsight, he had to admit it was something of a girly drink. “Thanks, Helen. Make that one more, would you?” He slid a couple bills onto the counter to cover the drinks and an enormous tip. When one frequented the same bar as often as he did, it paid to be generous and friendly with the employees.

“You got it.” She began mixing two more, measuring the liquor by sight.

Dee took a long swig of his drink, draining a quarter of the glass. “Jeez, that’s sweet!”

JJ sipped his straw. “Do you like it?”

“Tastes like a soda with too much syrup. About as strong as one, too.” As if to prove it, he took another drink.

JJ gave him an easy-going smile. Dee talked big, but the sheer amount of alcohol in his glass would get the best of him. Before long he’d be staggering drunk and then…

And then what? JJ felt a twinge of guilt as he always did when he thought about stealing Dee out from under Ryo’s nose. Sure, the thought of Dee drunk was an appealing one. JJ held no malicious intentions; he just wanted Dee to loosen up around him, maybe even loosen his tongue

enough so they could be honest. Dee would probably be less standoffish, more open. Was that so wrong?

Inwardly, he knew it was a dirty trick. He had no business trying to get Dee sloppy and uninhibited. The unthinkable had already happened and Dee’s misguided infatuation with Ryo had become serious. Dee wasn’t single any more. They’d even moved in together. This was someone else’s boyfriend he was messing with.

JJ quickly smothered his guilt with a thick blanket of indignation. So what if he wasn’t playing fair? Says who? The only thing that was really unfair about the whole mess was that Ryo had somehow landed such a catch in the first place by sheer luck. It wasn’t right that he should have him! Ryo was always so uptight and… tepid.

No, it wasn’t unfair! In fact, the only true crime would be to let Dee languish away with that bore when he could be infinitely better matched with a guy like JJ. Dee deserved someone as outgoing and passionate, who would appreciate him like he deserved.

If there was any sabotage of Ryo’s relationship, it was purely for their own good, JJ told himself. Dee deserved better.

Meanwhile, Dee looked lost in his own thoughts. He looked bored, but something else flickered behind his uneasy eyes.

“So, how have things been at the station?” JJ asked. He listened sympathetically while Dee bitched about everything from mob bosses at large to the obsolete computers at the station.

After a little while, Dee looked uncomfortable and turned the conversation back to JJ. “What about you and that Giovanni guy?” he asked. “Since when are you learning Italian anyway?”

Color rose to JJ’s cheeks but he said nothing.

Dee smirked and set down his glass. “Ah. Since you met that guy and he was hot-looking?”

“Dad’s been trying to get me to try living abroad for a while. It made him happy that I was learning Italian.” He picked at his neatly manicured fingernails, his eyes downcast.

Dee arched an eyebrow. He knew JJ was an only child and his father was obsessed with his future so it wasn’t like his dad was trying to get rid of him. “Why does he want you to live abroad?”

JJ shook his head. “Ah, it’s nothing. Just the same old crap as always.”

“He still thinks this is ‘just a phase of yours’ after all this time? Thinks the men in New York are turning you homo and a change of scenery would make you look at the girls a little closer?”

It was hard for JJ to hide the awe in his voice. “I can’t believe you still remember about my dad...”

Dee was quick to cover with a gruff, “Of course I remember. You never stopped bitching about him back when we were rookies.”

“But... You were listening. You remember after all these years.”

Awkward silence followed. JJ wasn’t sure whether he was being pitiful or if he was right to feel flattered that Dee would remember the details of his unhappy home life. Not many people pitied JJ, spoiled rich boy that he was, but after months of patrolling together, Dee had learned there was much more to him than the superficial.

Dee was the first one who listened with true sympathy when JJ told him how he was the only son of close-minded parents, how his parents had divorced shortly after JJ came out of the closet, piling him with guilt over their broken marriage. Even when they barely knew each other, Dee listened to his frustration of wanting to be a fashion designer but with a father who insisted on a more traditionally manly career like criminal justice or engineering.

By the time he got to the bottom of his second glass, Dee had grown more quiet and contemplative. He began asking JJ about how things were going with his father, if his cousin was

enjoying her new marriage and move to New Hampshire. Over time, his body language eased. His shoulders relaxed and his expression softened from its guarded tension. He stopped subtly leaning away.

At last they had shed their roles of pursuer and pursued. They had become instead nothing more than two human beings who understood one another. JJ reveled in Dee’s candidness. Even when drunk, his words ran far deeper than the usual shallow conversation. There was a thinking brain and a beating heart behind the handsome exterior, a thoughtful concern for others that was all but extinct in the general population. As they sat and conversed on everything that came to mind, JJ could tell Dee was really listening. He was communicating, not just waiting for his turn to talk like other friends did.

In that moment of connection, epiphany struck JJ like a blinding harsh light. At last he understood why Dee had been so callous and distant to him all this time—because when the defenses came down, the real Dee was more dazzling than the imagined fantasy of him. JJ felt his heart float, then plummet toward his stomach like he was in a rapidly descending elevator. In that moment, all pretenses of lust and fanaticism fell away. JJ thought he’d felt it for years, but it was only at ten forty-seven in a humble gay bar filled with hot bodies and throbbing techno music that he knew it to be true: He was profoundly, irreversibly in love. With alarm and a hint of despair, JJ knew there would be no turning back. He could never give up on Dee, not as long as they both lived. He could be content with nothing less.

“Something wrong?”

JJ startled. “Wh-What?”

“You’re staring. Got a weird look on your face.” Dee’s tone was slow and relaxed. He had an air of serenity about him, though it was probably just alcohol-induced torpor.

“Sorry. Just spacing out,” JJ said. “So, how’s domestic life treating you?”

Dee rocked his empty glass back and forth on the counter. “Pretty good.”

A dark blend of jealousy and hope trembled in JJ’s stomach. “Just ‘pretty good’?” Dee should have raved about his new life with Ryo, dashing JJ’s fantasies on the rocks. Instead, the sharpshooter burned with new passion and hope. “What’s wrong?”

Dee exhaled a hefty sigh. “Oh, nothing big.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I guess I was hoping for a little more ‘action’, you know? But I guess that’s to be expected when you settle down.”

JJ gaped at him incredulously. He couldn’t help it.

Dee waved his hand dismissively as if to shoo the subject away like a pesky insect. “Ah, shit. I shouldn’t have said that. Forget I said anything, okay?” Dee turned away from him and stared straight ahead, lost in his thoughts. A resigned melancholy settled on his face.

It was inexcusable. It was bad enough that Dee couldn’t see what a perfect match JJ would be, but he’d always assumed that Dee was enjoying what he had to the fullest.

It was already cruelly unfair that MacLean got all of Dee’s time, attention, and kisses to himself, but to hear that he was keeping Dee on ice in bed—it was too much to bear! Unbidden, JJ’s mind flooded with fantasies. He envisioned Ryo as cruelly chaste at home, a depressed and under-appreciated Dee just waiting for that magic moment to be shown a love infinitely better, to the ideal lover right under his nose all along. He envisioned showing Dee the alternative, the depths of his passion, their bodies entwined in vivid detail as they’d been so many times before in JJ’s fantasies.

Their meeting tonight was too much to be coincidence! Of course it had been lust and loneliness that had led Dee to this bar. Then the drinks, the understanding, the growing intimacy the longer they talked… This wasn’t chance; this was fate. No, it was divine appointment that God had

orchestrated this very moment. Through frustration and endless waiting, JJ’s persistence had paid off at last.

As Dee stared listlessly at the beer taps lining the counter, JJ watched his face in silent reverence. Dee looked the saddest he had ever seen him, achingly lonely. In need of rescue.

The voices and techno music faded away, leaving only the bass line until that too had fused with the pounding of his heart. The other people, the flashing lights, everything fell away into nothingness. All JJ could see was Dee’s vivid green eyes like smooth glass. They stared forward in resigned loneliness, but JJ knew he could return the spark of joy to those eyes. He would be the one to return the heat to Dee’s bed sheets.

Mesmerized, JJ leaned forward, drawn into that lonely gaze. Without thinking, he drew close enough to feel the warmth of body heat.

Then JJ caught the side of Dee’s mouth in a tender kiss. He had just enough time to register the warmth and softness of his lips, the soft rasp of his facial stubble, then--!

Dee jerked away violently. “What the hell, JJ?” He put his hand against JJ’s shoulder and pushed him away to arm’s length.

JJ watched him wipe his lips with the back of his hand as if the kiss had left a foul taste. Pain lanced his chest, wounding him more deeply than any bullet. “I just thought…”

“You’re not thinking at all,” Dee sneered. “That’s the problem.” He grabbed his jacket from the bar and thrust his arms forcefully into the sleeves.

“Dee…” How could it happen like this? He had been so sure that the mood was right…

When Giovanni had left, JJ let him go, but as he saw Dee stalk towards the door, JJ was quick to follow on his heels like a shadow.

Dee halted and turned in place, brandishing his finger at JJ in warning. “Quit following me,” he said. “Here and at the station.”

JJ felt pressure crushing his chest. He felt tears sting his eyes, and set his jaw, trying to wish them away. He couldn’t stand to look as weak as he felt. “Dee, please… I just—”

“I love Ryo,” Dee said, spreading his hand on his chest over his heart. “Do you understand that? I love him.” He clenched the hand into a fist and dropped it back to his side. “Now quit belittling my relationship by acting like I’d change my mind over a few drinks. I’m not yours and I never will be. Get over it.”

With those acid words, Dee walked away.

JJ stood numbly in place, unable to follow and helpless against the flood of pain. He shielded his eyes with his hand and ran to the men’s room. Only when he was locked inside a bathroom stall, did his despair erupt into bitter tears.

“Be a man,” he hissed to himself after a moment. He balled his fists and pressed them against his temples, shaking his head violently. “Be a man, you sissy! Stop crying!” He echoed the words his father had told him a hundred times, but even the branded memory of his father’s acrid voice was powerless against the flood of his grief.

As he sobbed alone in the bathroom stall, his skin prickled into goose bumps with shame. To anyone overhearing, he probably sounded pitiful. Just another heartbroken queen who’d had a bad night. They wouldn’t understand.

No one understood him but Dee.

And Dee was gone.