Welcome one and all to the horrific horror that is my first self insert - In Gaia and In Denial (IGID.. lol). I've wanted to write an SI for quite some time, and the wonderful SIs here inspired me enough to get off my lazy arse and do something.
Rated for my tendency to swear and upcoming violence. I own zilch but meself.

Chapter one - Evil Killer Government Crow

It was Saturday morning, a morning that should have been spent watching Saturday morning cartoons. Unfortunately for me I had work, so I had to leave before anything decent came on. Thus I was stuck with Peppa Pig, Boohbah and other such budget atrocities. So I stared unseeingly at the news, shoving porridge down my throat and guzzling copious amounts of tea.

…and now we turn to our meteorologist correspondent Aron McHausen. Aron, speculation in the newspapers and other media conclude that this irregular fog, like the flood that occurred preciously this year, is the fault of global warming. Can you shed any light on the matter?…

I was ready to zone out again at a moments notice. I was fed up of everything being pinned on global warming. Floods? Global warming is what did it, nothing to do with the fact we’ve cemented over everything.

Over the past week or so the east of England had been visited by strange patches of fog, which could come and go within seconds, or more recently last a good hour. It appeared regardless of weather and rumour had it that several disappearances had been linked to it, whatever that means.

…I’m afraid there is little to say Carol. As a result of research the fog is not related to global warming nor in fact a natural occurrence of nature. We have been lucky enough to procure a sample of the fog, and while careful testing has proved inconclusive, we can definitely say it is not fog. That is to say, dense water vapour…

After that the news presenter just addled him for more information with criticisms. Nothing was mentioned on the disappearances, which is peculiar because it was splashed all over the newspapers, ‘Mysterious Fog Claims Another Victim’ and such the like, sadly they had no explanation for it either.

“Daisy? Are you ready to go?” My mum called from the next room.

“Yeah yeah give us a sec!” I called back, gulping down the rest of my tea. I grabbed my handbag from beside me and headed for the front door. Along the way I passed a mirror, and being the vain sod I am, I had to do a brief bit of preening. I shifted my fringe around a bit and fluffed up the rest of my short brown hair. My glasses as usual were slightly wonky, not much but enough to be infuriating. I mangled them for a second before-

“Hurry up! Do you want to be late for work?”

I almost answered yes and rather not go at all, but I needed the money. A girl needed her computer games y’know, and all the art stuff I’d need when starting college. So – damn – expensive.

Dejectedly I followed mum to the car and hopped in. Not that there was anything particularly wrong with work (I worked in a store) it was just so boring! If it wasn’t the tedious stacking of shelves, then it was the idiot customers. You see there was this one time… I had better stop there because I had an entire novels’ worth of idiot customer stories.

I buckled in and switched on the radio as we backed out the gate, and soon enough we’re driving towards what was bound to be a full working day of boring.

The journey was uneventful for a few minutes. I didn’t even blink as the car drove into thick mist. That’s the way I was, I noticed silly little details but glazed over the glaringly obvious. One plus one equals inconclusive. I just gazed out the window dully replying to mum’s nattering and moaning, mostly about my (supposed) disgrace of a room.

CRACK!!

“Oh what -!!”

Something large and feathery smashed into the front window, causing mum to swerve. We bumped over something then tilted down, thudding into dirt abruptly causing us to jarr forwards painfully. Inevitably, we’d ended up in a ditch. It was just as well we were on a quiet country road.

“Ow… frick…” I muttered unbuckling myself and finally remembering to breath.

“You alright Daisy?” my Mum asked worriedly.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just a bit freaked out,” I replied, surprised at how out of breath I sounded. We both climbed awkwardly out the car and stepped up to the bonnet to inspect what caused us to crash.

Well what else is going to be huge and feathery? It was a bird. Certainly nothing native, it being about the size of a vulture and looking something like a crow.

“Stupid bloody thing,” I said pulling at a wing, it had killed itself from the collision. Though it looked like a crow on steroids, it was very much different. It had a white chest and bright plumage of red and yellow on its head and tail feathers. Its feathers were fairly bulshy as opposed to sleek, which I thought was odd as it looked like it needed all the help it could get getting off the ground.

“I wonder what it is,” Mum mused examining it for herself. “Fred’ll know. We’ll take it back for him to look at. I’ll give Tim a ring and get him to tow us to the garage, you better phone work.”

“Yeah, sure,” I said, trying not to sound too joyous. No work for meeee! I took my phone out my pocket and checked the screen. The signal was leaping up and down like haywire.

“I’m just going to walk down the road a bit,” Mum said shaking her phone at me appearing to have the same problem. “Stay with the car.”

I nodded a yes and turned back to car to have a poke at the bird. I know, I was poking dead things. When you have an animal expert for a brother who collects bones, dried bugs and formaldehydes the odd dead creature it becomes second nature. Poking things that is not formaldehyding them.

I reached out to pull back an eyelid, revealing a startlingly red eye.

That moved to look right at me.

I yelped and jumped back startled; it must have been just stunned. It lifted its head and eyed me viscously as though it wanted to peck my eyes out for being so insolent. Yet this small movement seemed to drain it of energy and it sank back onto the bonnet. Except it kept sinking, it was deflating. Its body was evaporating into mist, and barely a second later there was only the crack in the glass to suggest its presence.

“…Okay what the fiddle??” I said, completely and utterly bewildered at the previous events. I didn’t do anything for a couple of minutes as I stared at the spot the bird previously inhabited, trying uselessly to process what just happened. Then my Mum returned.

“I can’t get any sort of signal on this,” she said as she walked up, prodding her phone. “I don’t suppose you got anywhere with.. where’s the bird?”

“Um, I don’t know.”

“Don’t ‘I don’t know’ me, you must have done something with it.”

“Uhh,” I started, wildly trying to think of something that would sound plausible. Normally I can lie fairly alright, not something to boast about, but around my Mum my lies just melted into gunk. “It um, it evaporated?”

“Don’t play silly-buggers with me. Did you chuck it away?” She started having a prod in the hedgerows.

“You know I can’t throw to save my life, let alone that huge thing.”

“So what did you do with it,” she demanded getting cross.

“I haven’t done anything with it! … Maybe a fox got it while I wasn’t looking?” I gave as a hopeful explanation.

“I doubt a fox made off it with Daisy. It’s too big for starters.”

“Well remember when Kevin brought in that pheasant?”

“It was half dead and sickly.”

“And what d’you think the bird on the bonnet was?”

Mum was about to reply then stopped and just stared. I looked behind me to see what she was staring at, but there was nothing of interest there.

“Look at the fog,” she said quietly.

I paid attention to the fog, which was disappearing rather rapidly. Like it was being sucked away down a drain hole. It swirled away towards a central point some way down the road, faster and faster until a final ‘pop’. The way was clear, the birds started singing again, and my phone’s signal had lost its bouncy ball disease.

Neither Mum nor I said anything about the spaz-tardingly freaky events that occurred. I finally managed to call work and say that my mode of transportation was temporarily hindered, and my Dad towed us off to the garage he worked at. Later on that day I quizzed Fred about the bird, and after delving into his many animal encyclopedia’s we couldn’t find anything that properly matched its description.

I did tell him about the evaporating thing though. He came to the conclusion that it was a government conspiracy inspired by The Birds or something. Evil mutated killer birds were sent on missions; and if they are killed they disappeared and left no evidence to be traced back on. Of course I was government enemy number one.

Well, at least he believed me.

After that I took a much greater interest on what they had to say on the news about the whole thing. Nothing new ever came up, and over several more days general mentions of it were fading from the spotlight because of lack of information. Two more people vanished over that time, but it was mentioned only briefly, which I figured must be awfully frustrating for their families.

Eventually all mentions of the fog vanished from the media, along with my interest in the matter. I also got the impression that the appearance of the fog itself had finally died down.

About six days after the fog incident I was struggling under a ton of clean laundry, which I had been ordered to hang out. I get a day and the house to myself, and I get piled with all the housework. ‘I will not allow you to laze about the house all day’ Mum had said, not that she ever let me laze about anyway but what can you do.

I tottered outside and trod on something soft, followed by a screeching hiss. I looked around and saw Kevin, our cat, glaring up at me… whoops. I put the basket down and stroked Kevin’s head.

“Sorry Kevin-pops,” I murmured in the voice reserved for animals and babies, “Ooh yes you are a fluff aren’tcha? Yes you are a fluffy Kevin-pop!”

He purred his appreciation, which I’m sure he wouldn’t be doing if he knew what ridiculous things I was saying to him. I moved my hand to scratch under his chin when he suddenly leaped back and hissed louder than before, his tail fur standing up on end and he was baring his teeth.

“What’s up Kevin-cat? Last time I checked you liked being scratched under your chin…”

But then I noticed his fury wasn’t directed at me some but some way off behind me. I twisted round expecting to see the neighbour’s cat or something, but instead saw government killer crow, accompanied by slowly spreading mist.

Kevin darted off as the mist came his way, but I was caught in the red gaze of the huge flapping crow. It seemed a heck of a lot more scary now it was alive. Oh my God I WAS a government enemy! I didn’t even get a chance to blow anything up!

Without any warning killer crow dived at my face, and I threw my arms up expecting heavy pecking and pain moments later. A moment passed. And another. It must have been at least a minute before I peeked cautiously through my arms. Killer crow was still there all right, its beak wide open and its talons mere inches from me, but it was like someone had pressed the pause button on it, and on the mist as well.

I took a step back when the crow started moving again. It was trying to flap forwards albeit slowly, except it was being pulled backwards. In fact the mist was reversing back from wherever it had come from, and I was being dragged in with it! Hoeshit hoeshit hoeshit! I tripped but continued to skid along the hard floor as I scrabbled for something to hold onto, but there was nothing. Just dirt and gravel. A yell escaped from my throat for no one to hear as I was yanked backwards to the unknown.

Sadly there was no convenient blacking out, which would have made things a lot less painful on my part. I suppose I hit my head so much anyway I’d gotten used to it. Never the less I was slammed onto my back and I hit my head hard, causing ringing in my ears and stars to swim in front my eyes. I vaguely heard an ‘oi!’ behind me but was too dazed to think about replying. Footsteps approached and a middle-aged face blocked my vision.

“Dyaah!” I yelled, automatically kicking out, bad habit on my part. Confused or unsure how to react? Violence is the answer!

My feet contacted nothing however so that was just as well.

“Hwoah there missy calm down, looks like you’ve had a pretty nasty bump on the head there. Are you alright?”

I rubbed my eyes then felt the back of my head, no blood there so not too much damage done… I hoped. I took a brief look round the room; I appeared to be in a pub of some description. There were only two other people there apart from the blonde barman in front of me. There was a guy in red slouched dismally on a bar stool, and a girl who was busying about getting everything perfect.

Of course I didn’t really care about any of this. One minute I was outside my house, the next thing I was in a pub that wouldn’t have looked out of place a couple of centuries ago. If my brain hadn’t been reassuring me that there was a more than logical explanation behind all this I probably would have freaked out and run screaming out the door.

“I’ll live I’m sure. What happened? Where am I? Oh my frickin’ head…” I moaned clutching my head, which had begun to throb painfully.

“Well,” said the barman scratching his chin, “I didn’t see you come in, but you must have slipped and bumped your head. I told Maggie to make sure the floor was dry...”

“Oh shush Ashley! You know I made sure!” said Maggie indignantly, who was now wiping a table.

“…And this is the Morning Star Bar,” he continued ignoring her, “didn’t you see the sign on your way in?”

“Uhh, right. Mustn’t have been paying attention. And where is this pub?” I asked. I knew the pubs and bars around my home, and none were called the Morning Star Bar. He just looked at me funny.

“You sure you’re alright? Knock on the head must have addled your brains a bit eh? We’re in Alexandria.”

I blinked, not remotely recognising the name. Sounded foreign to me, oh please don’t let me be in another country.

“And what country’s that in then?”

“Country?” Ashley frowned. “This is a city, we’re not out in the country you know.”

“No that’s not what I meant. I mean like, England, France, the North Pole, whatever!”

Judging by Ashley’s expression he had no idea what I was talking about. Maggie, who had been wiping the same table for several minutes, obviously listening in, had the same blank, slightly confused look on her face. I couldn’t see the guy in red, but I think he somewhat preoccupied with his drink judging by the hiccups.

“Aaahh, you know what? Never mind. Bump to the noggin’ and all, I’m sure I’ll be all right in a few minutes. I’m just gonna go get some fresh air.”

They seemed to take that as a valid excuse for my ‘crazy talk’ and even showed me to the door in case I’d gone so mad I’d try and walk through the wall. Well maybe not, but I know they were thinking it.

Outside was rife with activity and swarms of people meandered past chatting in excited voices and all heading in the same direction. People of all ages and social status, and some that weren’t even people at all. They were like anthropomorphs except, not pretty and young and making out… I wonder what the event was. More importantly I needed to get to a payphone and try to figure out what the heck was going on.

A cynical voice at the back of my mind was groaning about how incredibly unlikely the possibility of a phone was, let alone the chances of reaching anybody on it. How blindingly obvious it was that I was no longer in England, and probably not even on Earth; like in those computer games I always played. There was also the very likely chance I would never see anyone I knew or loved ever again and that I was trapped in this place forever and that I would die here and they would never know what happened to me.

I ignored that little piece of my mind however as I so often did. If I thought about those things I would probably crack, and I simply did not want to face the gravity of the situation. Besides, if it as like my computer games someone would pop along and explain the whole situation to me it turning out that I was the only one who could save this world and after that I could quite easily go home.

Wishful thinking I know. Ignoring the reality wasn’t healthy, but I really couldn’t face it right then.

“Uh, excuse me? Is there a payphone near here?” I asked the nearest passer-by, once again a confused expression.

“A what sorry?”

“A payphone, You know, dial in the number and ring someone else? No? Never mind then.”

She gave me a fleeting nervous grin then made fast in the opposite direction. Charming. So I asked the next guy, whom looking rich, might possibly have a modicum of common knowledge.

“’Scuse me? Do you know if there’s a payphone near here? Phone box or whatever?”

“The urchins are getting more peculiar by the day,” commented a lady who I could only presume was the man’s wife. The man in question on the other hand, gave a great sniff then stepped around me as though I were a pile of turd in the middle of the street.

Ooh he had it coming. I nearly stormed after him to give him a well-needed kick up the backside, but I thought better of it. I leaned up against a wall, attracting weird looks despite my lack of crazy talk, but I didn’t really care. I somehow drew funny looks back home anyway… wherever home was. I could feel myself getting ready to blubber against my will.

“Are you awright?” asked a little voice.

“No actually I’m far from alright I…” I started, then realised the question wasn’t directed at me. Instead it was aimed at a small boy, who was currently admiring the pavement. As he managed to pull himself to his feet the little girl handed him an overly large ticket.

“You dwopped your ticket!” she announced quite proudly.

“Th-thanks,” he replied.

The little girl then promptly turned red and escaped down the street. Aww how cute, young instant crushes.

The boy was now adjusting his hat, which like all his clothes, was pretty oversized. Even his trousers had to be held up by a giant belt. His face was covered by a dark shadow, the only feature visible were his large glowing eyes.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” I asked him kindly. He couldn’t have been any older than ten, at the same age I always cried when I hit the floor. Then again, his baggy clothing could well have protected him from such heinous injuries as grazed limbs.

“Y-yes I’m fine,” he stuttered doing his best to look invisible. I looked around expecting to see more glowy-eyed people, but there were none.

“Aren’t your parents around? You’re not lost are you?”

“Um.. I don’t have any parents.”

“Oh,” I replied, unsure of how to react to that. He didn’t sound upset by it though so I continued on. “Guardian then? Surely there’s someone looking after you.”

He paused for a minute as though about to say something but shook his head instead. I don’t suppose a ye olde place such as this would have a social services. I bit my lip awkwardly. I couldn’t well bugger off now knowing that he was on his own, he was just asking for trouble. That and I admittedly wanted some form of company.

“Where are you off to now?” I said changing the subject.

“I-I’m going to the ticket booth. I can’t wait to see the play.” He seemed to light up at the prospect and I couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Mind if I come with? I haven’t got much else to do.”

“S-sure,” he stuttered, grateful that I hadn’t ripped off a mask and revealed myself to be the child snatcher or something.

“By the way, what’s your name?”

“Vivi.”

“Hi Vivi, I’m Daisy.”

And so we were off. To see the wizard? No shutup brain. To see what exactly this Alexandria had to offer.

And there we have it. I don't think it's too bad for a first chapter, I'm sure the action will pick up later on. Yes this is actually meant to be me, looks, clothes, name, the whole shebang. I wanted to see what I would do in this situation if I hadn't known anything about FFIX ever. There is an actual plot afoot a swear! xD Do let me know what you think, whether you love it, hate it, or feel the urge to smear it in peanut butter and devour it. Ask any questions you feel the urge to and make any corrections that are needed, I'm not a writer and therefore need all the help I can get. O.o

As always, flamers will be newted.