2stupid: Here is our latest fanfic.

Tensa-chan: Our first Mercedes Lackey one, too.

2stupid: So please, no flames.

Tensa-chan: Or bitching. Just read and review. DON'T FLAME!

Chapter 1

What promised to be an ordinary day at the Herald's Collegium was suddenly broken when a dark, mysterious figure stepped out of the Grove at the middle of Companion's Field.

"Who knew that the portal to Valdemar was the door to my attic?" the figure wondered. Suddenly she chuckled, pulling out a printed sheet entitled "25 Ways to Annoy Heralds" by someone named 'kalim007'. "Ooooh, this is going to be fun."

The Heralds had a collective shudder. So did the Companions, for that matter.

"Well, since the first one's 'Go into the Companion's field. Dig a hole. Bury yourself, but leave your hands out of the dirt. Hold some clumps of grass. Pretend to be the ground, and see how many Heralds or Companions notice. Try to avoid getting stepped on', I might as well start…

"THESE DIRECTIONS ARE COMPLICATED!"

The figure, who was revealed to be a Mary Sue, the most dreaded of all creatures, went into the tackshed and got a shovel, and began digging.

Five hours later, she was still digging. Night fell, and since all the Companions were off at some big meeting together, they weren't paying any attention to the girl with the shovel who was digging up their field.

After a while (aka. four more hours), the hole was finished. The Mary Sue finished following the directions, including using her Fetching Gift to get the dirt back in around her, and held up some leftover turf from her home gardening project.

A couple of hours passed, until a Companion noticed something odd. Gwena had been grazing quite placidly after using the Companions' restroom, but something odd about the grass she was chewing got her attention. Why did it smell like human? Why was it a different species of grass from all the other ones at the Field or possibly in Valdemar? AND WHY WAS A HUMAN GIRL BURIED IN THE DIRT, HOLDING UP CLUMPS OF GRASS, READING FROM A LIST IN FRONT OF HER, AND GIGGLING?

Gwena bolted for her Chosen, who bolted for her. She also took the precaution to warn every other Companion in Valdemar, who in turn warned their Heralds.

"So," the Mary Sue muttered, getting out of the hole, cleaning herself off, and making a mark next to the idea. "That makes… all of them!" And I didn't even get stepped on!"

"Let's see," the Mary Sue muttered. "'Find the foaling barn. Sneak into one of the stalls, and then pretend to be in labor. Yell for help, and tell everyone who comes that you're having the newest Companion. Make sure not to forget to stuff padding in your clothing to look the part… this works especially well if you happen to be male.'"

It was a pity the poor Mary Sue wasn't a male. But she did find the foaling barn, a huge, rather drafty but heated compound with lots of hay and loose boxes.

Now, it was time to call in some backup.

Little dust motes of magic appeared, followed by a poof, loud bang, and copious amounts of smoke.

"Sorry, Tensa-chan," the other Mary Sue said. "I was in the Naruto © world. You did some good work there."

"It's okay, Amberosia. Hey, since you have that awesome-cool shape-shifting ability-thingie, could you do this for me?" Tensa-chan held out the list.

"Of course!" Amberosia chuckled evilly. "This is going to be fun."

"You should go to the world of Eragon ™ next," Tensa-chan said as Amberosia turned into a boy. A very masculine and obvious boy… uh, man. Complete with facial hair.

"Beards itch," Amberosia complained as 'he' picked a stall and began screaming-in a deep and most definitely male baritone-as if 'he' were in labor. Tensa-chan made herself invisible and used her uber-awesome ninja skills to stick to the ceiling.

Soon, a lot of Heralds (the kind, helpful, compassionate souls that they are) arrived to see who was screaming for their help and invading their Companions' foaling barn.

"I'm giving birth to the newest Companion!" Amberosia roared, loud enough to shake the rafters and cause Tensa-chan to throw random pebbled at Amberosia to pipe it down.

"Are you sure you don't just have a paunch and stomachache?" Talia asked, attempting to read the strange 'man' and coming up blank.

"No, no! I can feeling it coming out! It's squeezing along my birth canal-" Amberosia didn't get any farther before the male Heralds ran away from the talk of birthing.

"Eeew!" Elspeth, who at this age is only in her tender teens, squealed.

"Yes! Don't get pregnant! It hurts to give birth! So don't have premarital sex!" Amberosia roared, this time loud enough to shake the rafters in the Broken Arms down at Exile's Gate. Alberich received an explanation from Kantor there, got up, and left.

Half the people in Haven sweatdropped, and the other half face-faulted.

Tensa-chan decided that now would be an excellent time to pull Amberosia out of her 'predicament'. She snuck out of the door…

Only to enter the barn in a completely dramatic way.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS AFTERNOON? I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE! CEEJAY! JKATHA! HARDORN! KARSE! EVEN THE EMPIRE! AND YOU'RE IN LABOR? HOW DARE YOU!" Tensa-chan roared, apparently an infuriated wife. She then dragged Amberosia out 'by 'his' ear', ignoring Amberosia's cries of "But it was another craving!"

As soon as they got to the Grove, they both collapsed laughing, and Amberosia turned back into a girl.

"That was hilarious!" Amberosia cried.

"Definitely," Tensa-chan agreed.

"Well, I'm off to annoy Galby," Amberosia called, vanishing with a pop!

"That was the 'Harry Potter' version of Apparition," Tensa-chan said with a sweatdrop.

"'Be sure no one sees you as you sneak inside the Collegium. Enter one of the rooms of a Herald Trainee. Lay down in front of the fire, face down. If anyone asks you what you are doing, say you are a human-skin rug, just doing your part for the Heralds," Tensa-chan read.

"WTF?" Nonetheless, the Mary Sue picked a room, stoked the fire for it had started to rain, and lay prone on the ground. (Yes, prone does mean 'lying still, face down')

Then she realized that the room had a carpet already, took it out, threw it out the window and into the rose bushes, and lay down.

Then she realized something, left the room, and entered and lay down prone again.

Soon, a young man wearing Grays came in, followed by a girl also wearing Grays. They were kissing as the entered the room, so they didn't see the Mary Sue until the girl tripped over her leg.

"What on earth," she began.

"I'm a human-skin rug," Tensa-chan replied automatically. "Just doing my part for the Heralds."

"Oh," the bemused boy/man/adolescent said.

"Not 'oh'," his partner said. "One, we're not Heralds yet. They occupy the rooms on the other side of the wing. Two, I already have a carpet. What did you do to it?"

"When I came in, the carpet was gone," Tensa-chan replied honestly. "I think someone threw it into the rose bushes right outside the window. Oh, and you have a lovely hardwood floor."

There was the silence before the storm…

And then the female Herald-Trainee shrieked in fury as she alerted her Companion, who alerted the rest of the Companions, who alerted their Chosen.

Beware of human-skin rugs. They talk back.

"'Head toward the Collegium'," Tensa-chan read. She was currently hiding out in an empty Herald-Trainee's room, wearing Grays. "'And ask the first Herald that you see about the mating habits of the Heralds.' Okay… 'If they actually answer, ask if you can join in.'" The Mary Sue sweatdropped and got out of bed.

Alberich was, for once, going to the Collegium to eat. However, he did not expect to be intercepted by a rather sweet-looking young woman with a predatory gleam in her eye.

"Yes?" He asked cautiously.

"Oh, hi! I was wondering about the mating habits of the Heralds. Could you tell me about them?"

"No." Alberich moved away, feeling rather discomfited. "Go ask someone else who has expericence."

"Oooh, you're a virgin, aren't you?" Tensa-chan asked wickedly.

"What makes you that?" Alberich asked stoically, but judging from the fact that he was now moving three times as fast as he had been before, he was more than a little perturbed.

"Hey, you!" Tensa-chan called out to Elspeth. "Yes, you! The brunette! Can you tell me about the mating habits of the Heralds!"

"Oh hell no!" Everyone within earshot moved away.

Suddenly, a group of late people, including one Destria, came up. "Hey, can you guys tell me about the mating habits of the Heralds?" Tensa-chan yelled at them.

"We make out with a willing partner at a date that won't interfere with either of our schedules!" Destria yelled back.

"Can I join in?"

"Sorry, two people only, and I don't lean that way!"

The Mary Sue sweatdropped. Suddenly, Destria took a second look at her.

"Hey, you're not a Herald!"

The Mary Sue ran off faster than the wind (but it was a fairly slow breeze).

"Why am I doing this again?" the Mary Sue griped. "Oh, yeah. 'Put bells on your horse, and wear a white robe. Make sure it is made out of cloth, not leather. Ride through town and call out, "Make way for the Herald!"'"

Which was why the Mary Sue was currently sifting through large barrows of used clothes in an attempt to find the prerequisite white cloth robe.

"Found it!"

"Five silvers."

Tensa-chan paid for it and added it to her growing pile of clothes.

An hour and a half later, a black horse with brown leather tack, crudely attached bells, and a sadistic Mary Sue in a white robe pranced out.

Needless to say, she didn't get very far until the Heralds called the Healer's Collegium and the Temples to stop 'the insane lady'.

That led to a merry foxhunt around Haven, from Exile's Gate (undertaken by a select few hardy Heralds under the tutelage of Weaponsmaster Alberich) to the Court (undertaken by a select few highborn Heralds who knew political innuendoes from gouty old nobles) to the Collegia (mostly undertaken by the servants, trainees, and Companions of Heraldic Trainees).

And in the end, the Mary Sue still managed to evade them… by hiding out in the remains of the bell tower.

And if she shifted when she was asleep at night and tolled the bell, well, that was the Heralds' fault. Which was probably why there had been frantic inquiries into the nature of the supposed death of an imaginary Herald.

Even then, no one bothered looking up in the Bell Tower. Probably thought there were ghosts there or something.

Up in Sorrows, Vanyel, Stefen, and Yfandes sneezed.

The Mary Sue woke up refreshed, unlike the poor Heralds, who had been investigating the 'death' until the Companions told them it was a false alarm and that they should get back to sleep.

"'Turn about 20 really hungry sheep loose in Companion's Field. See how much of the grass they can eat before someone chases them out. Make sure they don't see you or they will chase you instead of the sheep.' Okay, that sounds easy," Tensa-chan muttered. "But I want breakfast first."

Four hours later, once all the Companions were busy at something or other, the Mary Sue arrived with twenty really hungry white sheep.

"And… go." The sheep began systematically destroying the grass so that it looked like a quarter-inch mown lawn. Tensa-chan pulled out an Invisibility Cloak purloined from the protagonist of the Harry Potter ™ universe and hid up a tree.

It wasn't for another ten hours, when the sheep had eaten half the field and left their fertilizer in its place, that someone came to investigate.

"The… white horses… have the ability… to turn themselves… into… sheep," the Imperial spy Celandine (2) scribbled furiously. "They… might be… products… of a body change… or an illusion."

Celandine got himself out of the field before any of the "Companions" noticed him.

Up in her tree, Tensa-chan smiled. Let the Emperor Charliss and Grand Duke Tremaine try to figure that one out!

Another nine and three quarters hours passed, in which the sheep devoured most of the rest of the grass and littered the place with poo. Then, the first of the Companions came back, noticed the sheep, and raised the alarm.

Soon, the Companions' Field was full of angry servants, Heralds, and Trainees shooing out the sheep and stepping in unidentified pieces of manure. Curses, both vocal and mental, filled the air… or Heralds' minds.

And Tensa-chan videotaped it all.

After that mess was cleaned up, the Heralds began looking for the perpetrator. And replanting the grass; the sheep had eaten it all.

With a flourish, Tensa-chan stepped out of her grove (not the Grove) and began clapping.

"Jolly good show," she joked, laughing at the seriously annoyed and murderous looks on Heralds, Trainees, servants, and Companions. "But no. Didn't you wonder how I got the sheep?"

"How did you get the sheep?" Someone random dutifully asked.

"Well, according to Section 16, Clause vii of the Mary Sue Organization Charter of Rights, we are entitled to the creation and usage of plot holes of magnitudes both great and small. Not only that, but as a high-ranking Mary Sue, I can also summon my subordinates to help me in the creation of a story without its being designated as a plot hole," Tensa-chan explained.

Then, the questions began.

"What's a Mary Sue?" One poor sod asked.

"There's a Mary Sue Organization?" Another more informed person asked, horrified.

"You people have a charter of rights?" A third person wailed in shock.

"And you decided to come here?"

Tensa-chan held up her hand, stemming the flow. "Yes to all the questions but the first. For your information, poor uninformed random sod, had you looked into the Mary Sue Organization as any good extra or random character should, you would have realized that we are: A. the people who can defeat any and all canon characters without effort; B. the very superpowered ones whom everyone falls in love with, against the canon story; C. the super weak ones whom everyone else still manages to fall in love with. And that answers your questions."

"How long are you going to stay here, and why are you here?" Selenay asked.

"Shouldn't it go in the other order?" At everyone's glares, Tensa-chan waved her hands.

"Alright, alright, I'll answer. First of all, I'm only here to prank you. Second of all, I'm staying here for another… oh, twenty pranks, which should translate into five more chapters, give or take a few."

The Heralds gave a collective groan. The Mary Sue looked at them. "Hey, go complain with the authoress, not me. Especially kalim007 since he/she wrote that fic in the first place."

The Heralds went on a massive author hunt, conveniently forgetting that the authors are GOD and control the world…

Tensa-chan took the time to regrow the grass so the Companions wouldn't starve before she could finish her pranks and to set up the next prank.

And in a corner, oblivious to all but the Mary Sues, gods, and authoresses, Celandine wrote down, "Last… report… incorrect… horses… not… magical… Mary Sue… sabotaging… white riders… not… to make… contact… for fear… of reprisal… from… Mary Sue… Organization."

Tensa-chan used her Mary Sue powers to give her sharp hearing and overheard. Then, she planned a little something into her fics and smiled evilly.

Celandine shuddered suddenly in an unexplained fear before he swiftly finished off his report on the Mary Sue and ran to safety, aka. his studio.

At her computer, the authoress 2stupid sighed and looked at her aibou's (2) antics.

"Come out now, it's class time," she muttered and typed. Tensa-chan freaked out and ran for the door to the chapel, skidded down the attic steps, and barely made it in time for class.

"Come through the computer next time," 2stupid advised. "It's faster."

End Chapter 1.

(1) Celandine is canon. The only non-canon people are the authoress, the authoress's friend Amberosia (aka. MoonRose91 on and Tensa-chan because the authoresses hate non-canon people.

(2) aibou is Japanese for 'other self'. It's like a fusion between alter ego, split personality, possession, and imaginary friend.

If you hated it, I'm sorry. But I liked it. This comes, as you probably have already guessed, from kalim007's fic '25 Ways to Annoy Heralds'.