Disclaimer: Still don't own them. The only things I own are all three seasons on DVD and an impending nervous condition the closer we get to the premiere!!!

A/N: Ok, people - this is the heavy hitter - at least in my opinion. If you are prone to crying, maybe have a tissue handy. Also, I want to say that if you've read AriaAdagio's story Lightning Strikes Twice, you may notice a few details that are similar. These were unintentional, and have been left in with Aria's gracious permission. I want to thank her and samsolace for being such wonderful betas, as well as writing such wonderful fics of their own to get me and others through the hiatus. Gracias, grazie, thank you, chicas!!!

Ok, on to the story!!!!

Testing the Water, chapter 7

“Derek, where are you taking me?” Meredith asked, fiddling nervously with the blindfold over her eyes. She was sitting in the passenger seat of Derek’s car, trying to figure out their destination from what she could hear. So far, the only thing she could tell was that they had left the city; the sounds of traffic had faded, and the only thing she could hear over the noise of the engine was the rush of wind past the car and the occasional bird call. Derek had been mysterious about this trip from the beginning. He’d come home from the hospital the previous night and announced he was taking her somewhere in the morning for a surprise, but had steadfastly refused to say where, even in the face of her most creative pleading. The pleading had been fun, but not enough to keep her from another nightmare. Derek had woken her from it and held her while she cried, but had not pressed her to talk. He’d wanted to; she’d seen it on his face, but all he’d done was hold her and whisper soothing words in her ear.

Why can’t I tell him? Meredith wondered to herself. She’d tried more than once, but every time she’d opened her mouth her mother’s voice was in her head, reminding her that she was ordinary, that no one would want her if they knew the truth. She felt like she was trapped in a vicious cycle, unable to deal with her fears alone but just as unable to reach out for help for fear of being left and ending up alone. She opened her mouth to ask again, but was cut off by the feeling of Derek’s hand on both of hers, capturing her fingers and bringing them down from her face.

“No playing with the blindfold, Mere,” he scolded playfully. “Just be patient; we’re almost there.” True to his word, she felt them pull onto a dirt road less than a minute later, and they parked a minute after that. She waited patiently while Derek exited the car and came around to her side. She took a deep breath as he helped her out of the car, but the only scents that reached her were clean air and grass. Then Derek was leading her forward, and soon the sounds of grass under her feet were replaced by those of wood. She heard the rippling of water nearby, and felt herself begin to tense up as she realized where they were.

“Derek . . .” They stopped walking, and Derek untied the blindfold. Meredith opened her eyes, but the bright sunlight forced them closed again. After a few minutes she tried again, using one hand to shield her eyes until they adjusted, and found herself exactly where she’d expected. She and Derek were standing on the dock by the lake, the one he’d brought her to several times to swim. She knew his trailer was a few feet away, but she couldn’t make herself look for it. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the water, sparkling brightly all around them. She couldn’t look away; the water demanded her attention, pulling her in until she couldn’t see anything else. “Why did you bring me here?” she whispered, barely able to force the words past the lump in her throat.

Derek came around in front of her, and she raised her eyes to his once the hypnotic spell of the water was broken. “Because you need it,” he told her softly, cupping her face gently with one hand. “Why are you afraid of the water, Mere?”

“I . . . I’m not . . .” Meredith tried to protest, but Derek cut her off with a finger on her lips.

“It all started with the bath, didn’t it?” he asked. “You kept spacing out; you said you were just tired, but you were remembering that day, weren’t you? Is that what triggered your nightmares?” Meredith found herself captured anew by the pull of his blue eyes. She could see everything in their clear depths, how worried he was for her, the part of her pain that he had taken on without even understanding the cause, and most of all his overwhelming love for her. It washed over her, breaking down all her defenses, and she found herself nodding in agreement.

“It was the candles,” she whispered. “They were so beautiful, but then all of a sudden, I didn’t smell them anymore. All I could smell was that awful choking smell, the one that hit us as soon as we got off the ambulance. All I could see was the fire, and the smoke. And when I felt the water . . . Derek, I haven’t been able to take a bath since then. I’ve tried, but every time I did it felt like I was drowning all over again. I can barely even take a shower; I just can’t stand the feeling of water anymore.” She didn’t know when she’d started crying; suddenly the tears were pouring down her cheeks, almost obscuring her view of Derek’s face. “I don’t know how to fix this, Derek. How can I be a surgeon if I can’t even scrub in? I don’t . . . know what to do . . .”

Derek pulled her into his arms and held her while she cried. He didn’t say a word, but he didn’t have to. His physical presence calmed her and gave her strength, and soon enough her tears subsided, and she pulled back to look into his face. The look in his eyes hadn’t changed from earlier, but there was calm there as well, and a fierce determination. She couldn’t explain, but seeing those things caused hope to spark deep in her soul. “Take off your clothes, Mere,” he said softly.

His words caught her off guard; Meredith blinked, and then blushed a deep red. “Derek, I don’t – I mean, I know we like – but that isn’t . . .” she stuttered, unable to form a complete sentence. Derek let her go on for a minute, then smiled and shook his head.

“Not for sex,” he said gently. “I know that’s not going to fix things, Mere. I just didn’t want you to get your clothes wet. We’re going in the water.”

Meredith backed up a step involuntarily, as if putting physical distance between her and the water would change Derek’s mind. “N-no, I can’t,” she insisted, feeling the familiar panic from her dreams gathering at the back of her mind. “Don’t make me, Derek, please, I can’t, don’t make me . . .”

“Do you trust me, Meredith?” The question stopped her with all the force of a brick wall against her back. Derek didn’t say anything else; he just let the question hang there, with all the weight of their history loaded onto it, and held out his hand to her. Meredith looked into his eyes again, and suddenly the answer was there, welling up from deep inside her with all the force of absolute truth.

“With my life,” she answered quietly. She didn’t take his hand; instead, without taking her eyes from his, she knelt down to untie her shoes. A smile spread across his face as he did the same. For once, there was nothing sexual about their disrobing. Once he was done, Derek slipped into the water and turned, folding his arms over the edge of the dock as he waited.

Meredith knew he was waiting for her to join him, but she found herself stalling as she carefully folded her clothes and placed them on top of her shoes. She knew she’d been truthful in her answer to Derek, but her fears were resurfacing, slowing her down as she approached the edge of the dock. “I don’t think I can do this,” she said softly as she reached the end.

“You’re doing great, Mere,” Derek assured her. “We’ll take it slow, ok? Try putting your feet in first.”

Taking a deep breath, Meredith sat down on the edge of the dock. Using Derek’s eyes to keep her anchored, she slowly dipped her feet into the water. The images from her nightmare began to surface immediately, and her eyes closed involuntarily.

“No, keep them open!” Derek’s insistent command penetrated through the fear, and Meredith forced her eyelids to obey. She looked into his eyes, holding on to the love she found there like a lifeline. “That’s good; keep your eyes on me,” he continued softly. “You’re here with me, Mere. There’s no ferry, no smoke, no fire. You’re not going to drown, ok?” Lifting her right foot, he placed a gentle kiss just above her ankle. Warmth spread up her leg, banishing some of the fear, and Meredith relaxed slightly. “Want to come in a little more?” Derek asked, smiling up at her. “Come on; the water’s fine.”

Meredith bit her lip, considering her options. “Maybe I should just come in all the way?” she asked hesitantly. “You know, rip off the Band-Aid?”

Derek shook his head. “I think that would be too much of a shock, Mere,” he told her. “You went in all at once the first time, remember? I think slowly is the way to go now.” He reached up out of the water and put his hands on her waist. Meredith flinched slightly at the touch of the water, but kept her eyes on Derek. “You’re doing so well, Mere,” he assured her. “I’m going to help you in a little farther, ok? Just let me know when to stop.”

This is it, Meredith said to herself. I have to do this. Leaning forward, she put her hands on Derek’s shoulders and nodded. Lifting her slightly, he took a step back and began to lower her into the water. Her fear began to rise, but Meredith fought back, using her love and faith in Derek to beat the nightmare images away. Just before it became too much to bear, her feet touched the bottom of the lake. Confused, she looked around and discovered that they were in the shallows; she’d been so focused on Derek that she hadn’t noticed them moving back behind the edge of the dock.

“I thought it would be better if you could feel the bottom,” Derek said quietly, his eyes never leaving hers. “How are you doing so far?”

“I’m . . . ok,” Meredith breathed, her voice barely above a whisper as she realized she was telling the truth. The water was just above her waist, and while she wasn’t as comfortable as she’d once been in the water, Derek’s physical presence was giving her strength, helping her overcome the fear that had plagued her since the accident. She looked out at the water, sparkling in the sunlight as it rippled quietly all around them, and suddenly it wasn’t so terrible anymore. She looked back at Derek, ready to ask to go farther in, and the words stuck in her throat before she could speak them. There was something in Derek’s face as he looked at her in the water, a sadness that made her heart break. “Derek, it’s ok,” she said, reaching up to his face. “I’m fine; you were right, I needed this. This is helping, so much. Thank you for bringing me here.”

“Are you really ok with this?” Derek’s voice was soft, and Meredith frowned as she heard the echoes of fear and pain underneath his words. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own issues, my own fears, she realized. I never considered he might have some of his own.

“I’m fine,” she repeated. “But you’re not, are you?” The lost look in his eyes told her she’d hit the mark. “Derek, I’m so sorry for everything that I put you through. I never meant to cause you so much pain.”

“Meredith, it’s all right . . .” Derek started to say, but she cut him off, waving her hands in the air.

“No, you have to know the truth. I did swim, Derek. I know you must have been wondering; I know how to swim, so why did I drown? I did swim, I did fight. But that patient knocked me into the water, and I wasn’t prepared, so it was a big shock. I was tired – no surprise there, interns are always tired. I was stressed, because of my mother. And the water was so cold, like ice . . .”

“. . . Like a thousand knives, stabbing right into your bones,” Derek finished quietly, a haunted tone in his voice. “I know.” He looked down, swallowing hard, and when he looked up again, Meredith was shocked to see tears in his eyes. “It was the little girl,” he said. “The one you were taking to the aid station? I saw her, alone, and I asked her where you were. She brought me to the edge of the water, and I asked her again, and she pointed. She pointed out to the water, and my heart stopped.”

Meredith couldn’t breathe. No one had ever told her how she’d come out of the water; she’d assumed that one of the Coast Guard or Search and Rescue had found her. She opened her mouth to speak, but Derek laid a finger against her lips, and she felt as if they’d been sealed with glue.

“I didn’t even stop to think; I just pulled off my jacket, and dove in.” Derek’s eyes had a faraway look in them as he relived that horrible day. The pain in them made Meredith want to scream, but she held silent and let him continue. “The cold was so intense my muscles wanted to lock right up, but I wouldn’t let them. You were there, somewhere, and I had to find you. It was maybe my third or fourth trip down when I finally spotted you. I pulled you out, and you were so blue – very nearly the color of your scrubs. I wanted to pass out, but I couldn’t; you needed me. So I ran for the nearest ambulance, and we headed for Seattle Grace.” A lone tear broke free and ran down his cheek.

The sight of that tear broke Meredith’s paralysis, and she burst into tears of her own. “I did fight, Derek, I swear I did,” she sobbed. “But my mother . . . You were right. She said things. She told me I was ordinary, that I’d gone soft. She said she’d raised me to be extraordinary, and I wasn’t anymore. I heard her voice in my head when I was in the water, telling me I couldn’t do it, that I couldn’t be what everyone wanted me to be, so what was the point in fighting? And for one second – only one, I swear – I listened, and I stopped swimming. As soon as I went under again, I realized that I was wrong, that there was a point . . . you. I wanted to keep fighting for you, but it was too late, and I was too cold to make my feet start moving again. So I drowned.” She buried her face in Derek’s chest and cried harder, certain that her confession would drive him away.

“Look at me, Meredith.” Derek’s voice was thick with emotion, but the words were steady and certain. Hesitantly, Meredith raised her eyes to meet his, afraid of what she would find there. A sheen of tears glimmered across his eyes, and underneath was sadness, shared pain – and love. She saw no anger or blame anywhere, and her heart lifted slightly, daring to hope that maybe he wasn’t going to leave her after all. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said firmly, as if reading her thoughts. “I spent the scariest ambulance ride of my life trying to breath for you, and then three hours waiting for you to come back to me. I had a glimpse of a life without you, and it scared me badly enough that I never want to repeat the experience, at least not by my choice. I’ll always be here for you, Mere . . . but you have to let me. You have to come to me when bad things happen and not shut me out. I’m just scared that I won’t be there the next time something happens, and I’ll end up losing you for good.”

“You’ll never lose me, Derek,” Meredith promised, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Not by my choice. I had a glimpse of being without you, of getting only the barest whiff of you, and it wasn’t enough. You know my childhood wasn’t the best, and I’m still learning how to let people help me with my problems, but I can do it . . . with your help.”

Derek pulled her close, and they stood wrapped in each other’s arms for several minutes. Meredith felt some more tears spill down her cheeks, but instead of being painful, they felt cleansing, like they were freeing her soul of some of the burden that had weighed it down for so long.

“That was a big step,” Derek said finally. Pulling back, he smiled down at her as he wiped the last of the tears from her cheeks. “What comes next?” he asked.

“Now, I go for a swim,” Meredith said firmly, forcing the words to follow the decision quickly before she could change her mind. “And you stay here.”

“Are you sure about that?” Derek asked, a puzzled frown creasing his face. “It’s not too much too soon?”

“I’m sure,” Meredith insisted. Removing one of her hands from around his neck, she dipped it into the water, trailing lazy circles for a moment before bringing it back out. Shivers ran down her spine at the sight of the water running down her arm, but no images presented themselves. “We need this . . . both of us,” she told him. “I need to trust that I won’t drown every time I go into the water, and you need to trust that I’ll always come back to you, no matter what happens.” Derek was silent for a while, and she could see the thoughts chasing themselves across his face. Then he removed his hands from her waist and stepped back, silently conveying his agreement.

Despite her brave words, Meredith found her heart fluttering nervously as she turned toward the deeper waters of the lake. She went in slowly, pausing every few steps to let herself get used to the feeling of the water as it rose around her. When she came to the point where she was going to have to start swimming, she stopped to consider her choices. The band-aid has to come off sometime, she told herself. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and dove under the water. The feeling of the water closing over her head brought the terror of her nightmares rushing back full force, and the panic drove her back to the surface, gasping as she broke through to the air.

“Meredith, are you ok?” Derek called. His body was tense as he stood in the shallows by the dock, as if he was restraining himself from rushing immediately to her aid.

Meredith was gasping too hard to speak as she battled back the leftover panic from her nightmare, but she managed to wave at him, indicating she didn’t need any help. Once she had calmed down somewhat, she wiped her hair out of her eyes and tried again, keeping her eyes open so that she could see the difference between the lake and the ferry disaster. The sight of the plants waving gently from the bottom of the lake helped calm her fears, and she hovered in place for a while, stroking upwards to keep herself from floating to the top. A fish swam up to her, coming almost close enough to touch before darting away, and Meredith used the amusement she felt at the sight to banish the last of her nightmares from her mind.

Derek was waiting when she finally came to the surface for air; he seemed to be leaning casually against one of the dock pylons, but she could read the tension in his shoulders. She tried to keep a straight face as she swam up to him, but a grin kept tugging at the corners of her lips. “Are you ok?” he asked, reaching out to smooth some hair back from her face.

The warmth of his touch caused Meredith to lose the battle, and a wide smile spread over her face. “Come on,” she said, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the dock. “I’ll race you!” Taking advantage as he lost his balance, she dunked him under the water. He came up with a shout, and the chase was on. It didn’t last long, as they were both worn out from the emotional revelations of the day. Soon, they decided to call it a day, and Meredith waited by the dock as Derek went to retrieve the towels he’d left in the car.

“So, how bad is it now?” he asked as she pulled herself out of the water and accepted a towel.

Meredith thought it over as she worked briskly at her hair. “A six . . . maybe a five,” she said finally. “I know this didn’t fix everything, Derek, but it was a good start.”

“It was a good start,” Derek agreed. “And things will only get better from here, Mere – I promise.”

He’s made promises before, Meredith reflected as she pulled on her clothes. Somehow, though, I really believe him this time. Maybe I really have gotten to the happy ever after part. If this is my chance to be happy, then I’m going to take it! She followed Derek back to the car, determined to make the most of this chance she’d been given.