Standby

Chapter 5: Completely Out of my Mind

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Traveling swallowing Dramamine
Feeling spaced breathing out Listerine
I'd said what I'd said that I'd tell ya
And that you'd killed the better part of me

Dramamine, Modest Mouse

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“Wanda, phone!”

Wanda peeked out of the bathroom, toothbrush hanging out of the corner of her mouth, and frowned. It had to be her dad and, after last month’s phone call, she’d swore that she wasn’t talking to him again.

“Is it Dad?”

“It’s Mom, she says she…”

Before last ‘m’ was out of ‘Mom,’ Wanda was racing down the hall. Half tackling her younger brother, she yanked the phone out of his hand and spit the toothbrush, and a mouthful of foamy toothpaste, out of her mouth.

“Mom, oh my Jesus, what took you so long to call? Miss you to pieces, oh! Seriously, how’s Mongolia? See any bandits? Have you gotten us any cool presents…”

“Wanda.”

“Dad,” covering the phone with her hand, she turned around and noticed that Will was no where in sight. “That was not Mom, William Prescott Li. I told you that I didn’t want to speak to Dad.”

He poked his head out, obviously having decided she wasn’t going to start throwing things in his general direction.

“He’s still our Dad, Wanda.”

“Yeah, meaning he's an oversized douche.”

“I’m telling!”

“No, you’re not telling. If you do, I’ll pound your weasley wimp ass into the ground. Did you know what I used to do to nine year old boys, Will? I used to make them cry.” She felt a little better when he visibly gulped and ran to the relative safety of his own room. Her dad was still on the phone and it was beginning to piss her off.

“Fine, I’m talking, what do you want?” Her parents had always had a fairly strained relationship, looking back on it, they probably had her brother in an attempt to repair it. By the time Will was three, her dad wasn’t spending the night anymore and the only thing her mother would say was that they were going through a trial separation. A year later, they were divorced and her dad had disappeared off the face of the Earth. He’d reappeared her freshman year, new wife in tow, and said he wanted to be a family.

New and improved with a fountain and flashing lights. Obviously, she’d hated her stepmother immediately.

When her dad realized he couldn’t win her back with love, he’d tried expensive presents. She had a whole new wardrobe courtesy of Wen Li’s guilt. She’d come home one day to find her bedroom had been redecorated courtesy of Wen Li’s regret. And there’d almost been a ’05 Porsche Boxster in her driveway last October until she told Wen Li’s shame to retreat back to where his balls had gone and leave her the fuck alone. He hadn’t offered to get her a new car since. Looking back, she should have probably taken the Porsche, but, kind of liked her mom’s ’04 Land Rover that she’d ended up inheriting for not taking the Porsche.

That wasn’t the point. The point was that her dad was a douche of gigantic proportions.

“I know you’re angry with me, Wanda, we didn’t really end on good terms last time.” She told him and his stupid bimbo trophy wife to go jump off the bridge to Padre. “But, I know your birthday is coming up and I wanted to get you something.”

“Mom’s already going to get me all the clothes I want and my friends will pick up all the other presents. I think I’m all set, thanks for the call, I’ll…”

“I want you to come up to Houston for your birthday…”

“I’m not spending my birthday weekend with you and your stupid, hussy wife who…”

“No, we’re going to be out of town,” oh, apparently he didn’t want to spend her birthday weekend with her either, “and Cindy suggested we let you stay at the condo while we’re gone.”

No, she was going to say ‘no’ and that was final. Of course the little Wanda in her head, the little devil one, was telling her she should take the keys and run.

“And you can invite your friends if you want. You know the ones you used to go on all the field trips with?” Yes, because it was a shame he actually remember the names of her seven closest friends.

“Sure, fine, sounds like a blast.”

Who was she kidding? Both of her little Wanda’s were devils and they really liked the idea of a weekend in Houston, with a fully stocked bar she might add, with no parental supervision. Suddenly she hoped her mother stayed in Mongolia for a long, long time.

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It was lunch, which meant Wanda was camped out in The Bathroom, fixing her makeup and catching up on all the gossip she might have missed during the weekend. She decided that being captain of the drill team meant that she had to know what was going on around the school; otherwise, she wouldn’t be keeping good tabs on her girls. It was also a very good excuse to indulge in a little petty sniping.

Only she never spread gossip unless she was certain it was true, like being there when Connie Chao puked all over Tyler Goss, and she never talked about people behind their back unless they deserved it. It didn’t mean, however, that she couldn’t ease drop in the bathroom while the other girls were talking.

For being a tomboy in the third grade, Wanda Li had certainly grown up. She hadn’t gotten much taller, probably only hitting 5'2", but what she lacked in height, she made up in attributes. Being on the JV Cheer Squad her freshman year had really helped her to lose all the baby fat she'd been carrying around, mostly on her face and belly. Dropping cheer and taking up drill had helped her to tone muscles she didn't have and allowed her to be at all the football and basketball games without getting too sweaty.

She'd grown her shiney black hair out long and styled in jagged layers, with straight bangs, and let it hit somewhere around the middle of her back. She'd gotten boobs sometime around the ninth grade and somehow she managed to pull of Cs, she still wished she'd gotten bigger than Dorothy Ann, without looking top heavy. Her makeup was always understated, except for dramatically done eyes, and she had thing for dressing up a little like Audrey Hepburn; exuding a cool classic sophistication that she was generally lacking in all other areas of her life. As far as everyone was concerned, it was a big improvement.

Mostly because it's hard to beat someone up in a dress in heels unless you're trying to hurt yourself.

Today it was a bright red shirt dress that made her waist look tiny, she loved that, made her boobs look huge, she really loved that, and stopped at the knees. When paired with cute, open toed leopard heels, it made her legs look somewhat longer than they really were. Quite frankly, she was pretty indifferent about the leg thing. She did, however, love the shoes and didn’t mind staring at them while attempting to tune out Caroline Atkins who was standing over the sink beside her.

“So, Amber told Tiffany who told Florrie who told Beth who told me that Phoebe Terese is cheating on that sexy Arnold Perlstein with Tim Peters. Who cheats on Arnold? I mean, seriously, he’s got the pretty swim boy thing going on, don’t you just want to…”

“Caroline.”

“Yes?”

“Kindly shut the fuck up before I poke you in the eye with my mascara wand.”

It was Monday, just under two weeks after the big soccer game. The Green Jays had won, although Carlos had been pretty subdued about the whole thing. Apparently he and Dorothy Ann had decided to upset the natural order of things by not speaking to each other. It was really starting to piss Wanda off, mostly because she liked the natural order of things.

But Fall Break was that weekend and Wanda had the perfect idea: five day weekend in Houston. She just needed to find a way to get all her friends to go. The little Wandas were telling her to just lock them up in the back of her Land Rover and drive.

Sometimes she had to ignore the little Wandas. Sometimes they made her want to do things, like stab Caroline in the eye with her mascara wand.

“Wanda! Help!”

A bang, whoosh, and a click signaled that someone, probably uninvited, was using the first floor bathroom across from the gym, read: the primary gossip location, to hide out. And, apparently, they were trying to take Wanda down with them. So not cool.

“Wanda.” The voice was a little breathy, a little panty, and it took a minute for Wanda to peer through all the blonde hair to realize it was Dorothy Ann nearly bent over in two in front of her.

“Oh, it’s her. I heard that she was cheating on Carlos with…”

“Caroline.”

“Yes?”

“If you open your mouth one more time, I will stab you with my mascara wand until you die. I figure it could take a while.” The girl gulped, much like Will had, and then slipped into one of the stalls and locked the door. “DA, pardon my French, but what the fuck is going on?”

“Carlos is following me, keeps saying he’s trying to get the inside story. Ralphie will not leave me alone, no matter how many times I tell him to. I think he might have a crush on me. And, because of Ralphie’s stalker like behavior, Keesha’s been trying to kill me with a spork. At least, I think she’s trying to kill me. She isn’t really talking just…”

“DA.”

“Yes?”

“Please don’t make me threaten you too.” Wanda took a deep breath, waited for her friend to do the same, and decided it was safe to speak once the blonde exhaled and kept her mouth shut. DA always had been a quick learner. “So, let me get this straight. Carlos thinks you’re cheating, probably with Ralphie considering the dumbass won’t leave you alone. On top of this, Keesha, picking up on weirdo Carlos vibes, has decided that you were the reason that Ralphie ended their perfect union and is now trying to spork you to death.”

“That sounds about right.”

“Carlos does realize that you two are not together, right? Mostly because his dumbassery kept him from making a move on you last year when you guys were in Dr. Tennelli’s Passat.”

Dorothy Ann opened her mouth, shut it, and then opened it again. “How did you know about the Passat incident?”

“I locked your stupid asses in it hoping that, if you didn’t start dating, you’d at least jump each other and get rid of the sexual tension that’s been plaguing you for years.”

For a moment, Wanda wondered if Keesha really was right, if she really could make someone dumber by just talking to them. Thankfully, DA chose to pipe in about the time she was thinking that maybe she should become a nun and take a vow of silence.

But DA was talking now, so she wouldn’t have to give up sex! Considering she hadn’t had sex in the last three months, when Brett left to go to Baylor, she decided that she’d probably die if she went without sex for too much longer. She might become a serial killer if she had to go her entire life without sex.

Maybe that’s why they locked nuns up in nunneries…so they wouldn’t go out and kill a bunch of people.

“Wanda! Focus!”

“Oh, right, nuns. Anyway, I know exactly what to do!” The look in Dorothy Ann Brighton’s pretty blue eyes did not convey the confidence that Wanda had been searching for. “You need to go talk to Keesh…”

“…I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Are you and Ralphie hiding something?”

“Maybe.”

“Is there any reason she should be going after you with a spork?”

“No.”

All right, that was good, mostly because Wanda couldn’t imagine DA as a home wrecker. Actually, for all the time she’d spent with Ms. Frizzle, the bus, and Liz, Wanda really couldn’t do a whole lot of imagining. Well, she could imagine Carlos and Ralphie…

“Wanda! Focus!”

“Okay! Heh, mmm, steamy locker room sex. Anyway! Fine, you go talk to Carlos and tell him you guys are going to get everything figured out this weekend.” Ha! That was how she was going to do it. She was going to fix everyone’s problems including her own, say hello to Mr. Jack Daniels, using the tainted condo in Houston. It was perfect.

“This weekend?”

“Yes, we’re leaving for Houston bright and early Wednesday morning. I know you can go because you don’t have to work this weekend and there are no club meetings because of Fall Break.” She could see that DA’s brain was chugging away hard to come up with some excuse. “Also, the Corolla is out of the shop, so, you can drive Carlos up, which will give you guys plenty of time to talk…”

“…I don’t want to talk to Carlos.”

“You will talk to Carlos or I will kill you very, very slowly with my…eyelash curler. Now, go.” Pushing DA towards the door with all the finesse of a sheep herder, Wanda was just about to unlock the door when the blonde grabbed the lapels of her shirt dress and looked up at her with desperate eyes.

“But what about Keesha? And Ralphie? If I go out, they might…”

“Chill, lady. I’ll take care of Weatherman and crazy spork lady. Go find Carlos and tell him he better be ready to go on Wednesday. Or I will kill him. Understand?” For being the smart one in the group, Dorothy Ann was acting just a wee bit crazy. Maybe that’s what smart did, it made you crazy.

Frankly, Wanda Li would take stupid sanity any day of the week. Except maybe Saturday, she did like to get a little crazy on Saturdays.

---

“Uh, Wanda?”

“Yes Keesha?”

“Why did you just make Ralphie and I sit through an AASA meeting?”

The star quarterback and the StuCo VP had been extremely hard to find. Actually, Wanda had half expected to find them either in a broom closet somewhere going at it like crazed weasels or Ralphie curled up in a corner while Keesha went after DA with a spork.

Okay, so maybe her imagination worked just fine on things unrelated to gay jock sex.

She’d actually found Ralphie on his way out of his last period, Trig, joking with Mr. Hanson. Which was wrong. And Keesha had been arguing with the sports editor of the newspaper, telling him she would rip his testicles out and feed them to him if he wrote another article about Ralphie being a god among men. That was also wrong.

She briefly wondered if Carlos and DA not talking had actually sent them all spiraling into an alternate universe where nothing was what it seemed and everything was bass akwards. Wanda really, really hoped not.

But, instead of wondering too much about it, she drug both of them by the ear to the Ann Richard’s Reading Room in the library and made them sit in the back while she conducted the Asian American Student Association meeting.

She loved being the president of a club that almost spelled “ass” in the acronym.

“I made your stupid asses sit through an AASA meeting because one, you both have limited knowledge of the Asian culture and need to expand your horizons and two, I was afraid someone,” she looked pointedly at Keesha, “would try to kill Dorothy Ann if I didn’t. Now, what the hell is going on with you morons?”

“Woah, Wanda used big words. Oh and, she started it!”

“Uh, no, you started it when you stuck your tongue down my throat at Phoebe’s birthday party in June.”

“Okay, well, you’ve just made it worse.” Ralphie had pulled off his hat and was wadding it up in his hands, for some reason, Wanda found it sexy. She told the little Wandas to shut up immediately. “We were always fighting, Keesha, even before…”

“You started hiding everything from me. So, how long have you and DA been…”

“She’s been tutoring me! Tutoring. As in helping me stay on the field and maybe get scouted. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to think I was stupid.” Wanda’s mouth dropped and, feeling guilty, she looked over and saw that Keesha’s had followed suit. That made her feel so, so much better. “Sure, maybe I think she’s hot, but, mostly I was following her around because I really needed help with my Chemistry assignment and she kept avoiding me. I had to ask Mikey to help me and it ended up costing me…”

“Tutoring. Dorothy Ann was tutoring you in Chemistry?”

“Yes, oh, and Trig, because she’s actually pretty good at that math stuff too. Actually, I’m pretty sure she’s good at lots of…”

“Then why the hell was Carlos so pissed off?”

“Because she kept having to bail on him because we had to keep rescheduling tutoring sessions. Her uber-participation in everything scholastic makes it a little difficult to do anything. Add my football schedule to that and…yeah.” Ralphie sighed and put his hat back on his head. “He caught us sneaking off at lunch one day and I guess his crazed Latino mind just put two and two together and…”

“He decided she was cheating on him with you, his best friend. Which is ridiculous because…”

“Because they’re not even dating…and the fact that I’d never go for Dorothy Ann. She’d make me feel stupid all the time.” Keesha blushed and Wanda wanted to add a very non-Dr. Phil ‘Like you did, weasel face,’ but decided against it. Keesha was pretty strong and was quite a bit taller and her boobs could probably knock Wanda out cold with one blow.

“So we were pretty much dead before we started.”

“Yeah, pretty much. But, you’re really hot. I liked making out with you.”

“I did too.”

It was so like Oprah and so not like Oprah that it wasn’t even funny. Unfortunately the little Wandas decided to break up the little love fest before Ralphie and Keesha decided to have a post-break up make out session on the AASA president’s, that would be her, podium.

“So, Houston for Fall Break?” They looked at her like she hadn’t been in the room moments before, looked at her like she hadn’t helped them make a gigantic break through, and then nodded. “Good, oh, and Ralphie, if you decide that then would be a good time to come out with Carlos…be my guest. I just want to know so I can bring my video camera. You know…for posterior…”

“Posterity?”

“Oh, I guess that too.”

"But Wanda..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm not gay for Carlos."

All right, they hadn’t entered an alternative universe. But, then, how could she explain her sudden urge to jump Ralphie and defile the AASA president’s, that would be her, podium right in front of Keesha? Hormones, yes, hormones and lack of sex. She’d be okay…she just needed to kill the little Wandas. Immediately if not sooner.

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Note: Done! Jeebus, that took forever to write. Nearly two days of writer’s block and then, BOOM, I get an idea and start running with it. I don't know what I like more 1.) the little Wandas 2.) "the Passat Incident" or 3.) Wanda having gay jock sex fantasies about Carlos and Ralphie. So, yeah, more gay jokes and lots of uncomfortableness to go around. Which will continue in Houston, promise. I can't decide if I want to do Tim or Arnold next, although, it probably will be Arnold. Oh and thanks to my two lovely ladies for my continued reviews, always makes me smile.