A little something from Aesha...

This story depicts some of the personal feelings and experiences that I've faced in the past following years. The events, however, are entirely fictional. In a way, these things are real, but they're also not real. Okay, before I confuse us anymore, let's just move on to the next thing on the list.

It is required that I do the disclaimer, so here goes nothing: I don't own CCS—CLAMP does. If I did, then I'd probably put Syaoran on eBay already and try to make some big cash. But, very sadly, I don't—and that's why I am too poor to be sued. -smiles-

Newly added (10/02/07)- Until this story is completed, updates will be slow... VERY slow.

Good reading to all, and comments are always loved! -huggies- ...x3

ღ†O N · the · E D G E†ღ
by: ÆSHÅ

「E ◦ S ◦ C ◦ A ◦ P ◦ E」

CRASH!

"Watch where you're going, you dork!"

Everyone had stopped eating, and turned their attention over to the entrance where the commotion was coming from. A girl with black hair, tied into two ponytails, was surrounded by a group of upperclassman girls; the popular ones, also known as the top of the food chain.

An upperclassman girl looked down at her outfit and scowled in disgust. Narrowing her eyes at the black haired girl, she snapped angrily and shoved her into a trash can. "I just bought this shirt yesterday!"

The smaller girl fell to the floor as she closed her eyes to blink away the tears.

"Aw!" the other girl mocked to her group of friends. "The little wittle girl is going to cry. I feel so terrible! Here, let me help you up." And she stepped on the other girl's hand with her heel.

"Namiko, that's enough!" Someone called out loudly.

All attention turned to the leader of the group, Daidouji Tomoyo, the most popular girl in school. Amethyst eyes looked down pityingly at the pair of black eyes and said, "Let's go."

"T-Tomoyo!" the other girl was reluctant to let the situation slide though.

"I said...let's go." And with those final words, the group of girls walked away; leaving the other girl to gather herself together from the mess. No one bothered to help her, or ask her if she was okay... including me.

I just sat there and watched silently. The black head was picking strands of spaghetti that had gotten into her hair as a result from knocking the trash can over. One strand at a time, one by one, she removed each strand slowly. Passers-by took one glance at her and snorted. Some would laugh and throw trash at her or call her nasty names.

Others, including the faculty and staff, pretended as though they saw nothing, because they didn't want to interfere with the law. The unwritten law that the elite group had created for the school, also known as the social ladder. To the school's administration, as long as the parents kept funding the school, disciplinary actions weren't needed. They saw nothing, they heard nothing, they knew of nothing.

The social ladder was all about two things: looks and money. If you had both, you were at the top. If you had one or the other, then you were second best. And if you had neither, you were classified into the 'outcast' group. The outcasts included the geeks, the nobodies, the junkies, and the freaks (going from high to low in the social ladder). Everybody was labeled, and nobody made friends with anybody in a group that was different from them. It was a rule. One could get seriously hurt if they broke this rule. So when you saw someone weak being picked on, you either join the crowd or silently walk away.

A lot of people viewed the social ladder as a bunch of crap, but no one dared to utter a word. They were scared of what society would do to them, so they grew to accept it...like it was their calling. Then there were those who yearned deeply for an escape from this circle of life, but just didn't know how.

There were also those that did, but resolution meant something different.

"You have to be faster than that!"

I averted my attention over to the lunch line. A group of guys were tossing another guy's glasses back and forth in the air.

"Come on!"

"Can I have my glasses back?" the dark haired boy asked quietly, his eyes looking down at the floor.

"You want it back?" one of the guys said, waving the glasses in his hand. "Say please."

"Please...can I have my glasses back?" the boy asked again.

The other guy smiled slyly. "Of course." He dropped the glasses to the floor and stomped on it until it was useless to anybody. He picked up the broken glasses and put it into the boy's hands. "There you go."

“Scum,” someone had snorted.

"You said something?"

"What if I did?" a boy with chestnut hair challenged back.

"You need to learn your place!"

Everyone stood on the side and watched as the group of guys ganged up on that one boy. Other people had even joined in on the fight when it didn't concern them. They just wanted in on the spotlight, to perhaps try to fit in with the crowd. I looked over to the teacher's table; they were all just sitting there, chatting away like they didn't know what was going on. One of their students was being beaten like a ragged doll, and they were pretending as though nothing was wrong.

"Sakura?" I snapped my eyes away from the scene and looked at the person that was talking to me. "What are you doing in the cafeteria?"

"Terada-sensei said that since I've been doing good, I can eat in here with the other kids." I answered.

The red haired woman smiled. "I'm glad to hear that." She patted me on the head and glanced back at the fight. Frowning slightly, she placed her hand on my shoulder and said, "Let's go to my office."

I nodded and glanced over my shoulder one last time. The fight had been broken up, and the principal was now talking to the boy with chestnut hair. I felt sorry for the boy. He was going to get punished when it was the other boy's fault. Where was the justice in that? The principal seemed to be yelling, but the boy wasn't listening to him. He'd shoved his hands into his pockets and headed toward the entrance.

Kaho-san and I stopped walking when we saw the boy a few feet ahead of us. Amber eyes met mine for a brief second and quickly disappeared as the doors swung close. I didn't know what it was that I felt... but I felt something when our eyes met. Like empathy for one another. But of course, that wasn't possible because we didn't even know each other.

That was what we thought...

-

-

"Your brother tells me that you've been using the teen hotline." Kaho-san motioned for me to take a seat when we got to her office. "Is it helping?"

I nodded.

She smiled. "Can you tell me more about it?"

"I started out talking to this woman," I said. "She asked me some questions, like the ones you normally ask me. Then she asked me if I wanted to try talking in a group with other teens over the phone."

"And did you?" I nodded again. "How long have you been talking to this group?"

"A month now."

"And do you feel better after talking to them?"

I bit my bottom lip. Was her definition of 'better' the same as mine, or were we thinking of two different things?

"Yes..." I said, finally. "Yes, I do... I feel better."

The door suddenly opened, and a brown haired man walked in while asking, "Mizuki-san, you were looking for me?"

Kaho-san stood up slowly. "Yes. Can I talk to you outside?"

"Of course," the man answered and smiled at me slightly. "Kinomoto-chan, did you enjoy lunch?"

I nodded. "Yes. Thank you, Terada-sensei."

"I'll be right back," Kaho-san said and left, closing the door behind her. "What were you thinking?" My head snapped to the door when I heard Kaho-san's muffled voice coming from the other side. "I'm her counselor, but I'm also her psychiatrist. She can't be around the other kids. That's why I requested the principal to put her under special care."

"Mizuki-san, Sakura seems perfectly healthy to me. I don't see the harm of putting her in normal classes. She's capable of doing things the other kids are doing, if not better. She is way ahead of the other kids in my class and—"

"Her brother wants her to be in the special education class," said the other woman. "Terada-san, I know you are thinking of her own good; but if you really are thinking for Sakura, you'd do what I ask as her psychiatrist."

"Of course..." I heard my teacher said softly. "I heard there was another fight at lunch today," he continued. "I hope that didn't bother Sakura."

"Believe me when I say that she has seen worse..." said Kaho-san. "I will send Sakura back to your class after we are finished."

I quickly turned around in my seat when I heard the door open. "You shouldn't blame Terada-sensei," I said as Kaho-san came back to her seat.

"What?"

"It wasn't his fault," I said again. "I asked him to let me go."

"Sakura, why? You know you're not supposed to."

Why?

I wanted to see for myself if it was true. If what the things people in my hotline group said were true. If people were really that cruel...

-

-

When I walked into the house, my older brother was sleeping in the living room with the remote control in one hand and a book on his chest. I suppressed a smile and gently slid his reading glasses off his face. I laid the book on the coffee table and tried to pry the remote control out of his hand.

He started to stir, slowly, opening his eyes. "Did I fall asleep again?"

"Yeah."

"Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?" he started asking.

I shook my head. "No," I said shortly. "I'll be in my room."

"O-Oh... okay."

I could tell that he was watching me as I walked up the stairs. I wanted to turn around and tell him how much I loved him, how grateful I was to have a brother like him, and how important he was to me. I wanted to let him know that I appreciated everything he had ever done for me.

...But I couldn't.

I couldn't bring myself to look at him in the face; I was too ashamed.

I walked into my room and locked the door. I picked up the phone and started to dial the number I've grown used to. It was like a habit now; every day after school, I would dial the same number.

"Hello, who would you like to reach?" the voice on the other line asked.

"Tsukada-san," I answered.

"Please hold while I transfer your call."

And I waited.

"Tsukada speaking," a woman said on the other line. "Are you here for individual talk or group talk?"

"I would like to hook in with my group," I said.

"Alright, then. Which group, hun?"

"Thirteen."

"Three of your group members are on the line," Tsukada-san said. "I will hook you in. Wait just a minute."

And I waited again.

"Chocolates are better!" a voice suddenly exclaimed loudly; obviously belonging to a girl.

"You only say chocolate because you're a girl," a boy said this time, his voice was gentle and calm.

I smiled slightly. "What are you guys talking about?" I asked.

"Flame!" the girl said. "Tell Pi that chocolates are better than everything else."

When we started this group talk through the hotline, we hid our real names from each other and had picked a one word nickname. I chose 'Flame' for the inferno fire that burned inside me. The others chose Pi, Raven, Abyss, and Heroin.

"This is a pointless conversation," a deeper male voice said for the first time.

"If it isn't Mr. Heroin," I started joking. "We're missing Abyss?"

"I wonder where she is," said Pi. "We're all at home now."

"Maybe she's an underclassman," Raven suggested. There was a long silence after what she'd just said. I guessed we were all thinking about the same thing: that Raven had a point. Upperclassmen got out of school earlier than underclassmen, so that must've meant the four of us were upperclassmen.

The silence continued as no one said a word. The only sound being heard was our breathing. Every single one of us wanted to know our group members' identities, but we made a solid promise at the beginning that we would not ask any personal questions. If one person wanted to talk, the rest would listen; that was the system.

But I suppose somewhere deep inside of us, we felt as though we had the right to know more about the other person, because we told them secrets and shared feelings with them we had never shared before with anyone else. We had been talking to each other for a month now, pouring out the emotions we had locked away over the years to one another, and we relied on one another to keep those secrets.

We all knew that we shared something in common, but were we willing to risk our only sanctuary to take another step?

"I talked to Abyss last night." Raven was the first to speak again. "We agreed to meet each other, but we didn't know about you guys."

I was silent.

"She and I are meeting tomorrow morning on the school's roof at six," she said.

Heroin snorted on the other line. "You're both crazy."

"I just wanted to let you three know. I'll talk to you later." And she left.

Six.

School didn't start until eight though; how would they get in? They weren't going to sneak through the security, were they? Unless...

One of them was privileged with that power.

-

-

I couldn't go to sleep at all after hanging up the phone. I kept thinking about that. Pi and Heroin didn't say anything about it afterward either, or what they planned to do. And I didn't ask.

I looked down at my watch and sighed. 5:45. Touya wasn't home when I woke up, so I left the house and had been circling around the school for about half an hour until I decided to go inside. To my surprise, there wasn't a security man at the gate, and the main entrance was unlocked. The halls were empty; so empty that a chilly wind gusted by.

I turned around a corner and headed up a staircase no one had bothered to use before. My footsteps echoed louder and louder as I neared the top. The walk was slow and agonizing as the thoughts ran through my mind again. The exit was just feet away from me, and, in a minute or two, I would be on the roof... I would meet them.

It felt like the right thing to do. Even though I didn't know who they were, I felt as though we were meant to be put in the same group. Like we were meant to find each other.

I looked down at my watch again. 5:59.

One more minute.

Maybe they didn't come. Maybe they all had forgotten about it. Maybe I was just wasting my time. Maybe...

Before I could take another step, I felt a beam of light on my face. I stiffened as a figure stood on top of the stairs, preparing to walk down. The person stopped in his tracks and looked at me strangely. For the second time that week, I gazed into his amber eyes.

Standing in the doorway behind him was a girl and another boy.

"We're all here then." I turned around to meet a pair of amethyst eyes. The new face smoothly tucked a strand of raven hair behind her ear and said, "This is quite a surprise... isn't it?"

Daidouji Tomoyo.

-

-

I leaned onto the rail and looked up at the sky as we stood on the roof, a few feet apart from each other. How did this happen...?

"Because I asked that we meet," said the raven haired girl, "I'll introduce myself first. I'm Raven, but you probably know me as—"

The boy with amber eyes snorted. "I think we all know who you are, Daidouji Tomoyo—the most popular girl in school."

The girl smiled sweetly. "You must be Heroin," she said. "I am charmed."

"You helped me yesterday..." the girl with black hair said quietly. "Ironic, isn't it?"

Raven didn't reply.

"My name is Li Meiling," said the other girl. "Also known as Abyss. I'm a nobody."

Li Meiling, a nobody in the social ladder, the girl that was picked on by the group of girls the day before at lunch. I couldn't believe that she was Abyss. The girl I saw the day before was timid, quiet, aloof; but the Abyss I knew was strong, bold, and open. She'd always voiced her opinions strongly on the phone. It was like she was two different person. But I suppose that wasn't strange.

We all had another side to us.

"I'm Pi," the dark haired boy with glasses was next. "Hiiragizawa Eriol, a geek."

I recognized him as the boy that was being picked on by the group of guys at lunch the day before. He must've replaced his glasses, because the one he was wearing didn't have a scratch on it.

The remaining boy grunted. "Li Syaoran. Like she said earlier, I'm Heroin. It has nothing to do with me being a junkie. No, I'm not related to Abyss."

And him. The boy that fought the group of guys.

Everyone turned to look at me. "Kinomoto Sakura. I'm a freak." I said.

"You?" Abyss asked skeptically. "But you look so normal."

I looked down at the ground. "We all look normal, but what can you say or do when you've been labeled?"

No one said anything. Time seemed to have stopped as we stood there, just staring into space and avoiding each other's gazes. Maybe it was the wrong decision to meet up after all. Maybe we would've still been friends if we didn't meet.

Friends...?

Were we even friends before to begin with, or just a bunch of teenagers sicked of their lives, and had found each other on a whim?

"What now?" asked Heroin.

"I wanted everyone to meet because I..." Raven started saying quietly, but she then paused all of a sudden as if she was scared. Scared of saying whatever it was out loud. "... I... I thought of what Flame said a long time ago."

All eyes turned to look at the girl before us. Apparently, no one had forgotten what I said not too long ago. I hadn't meant to say it. It just came out.

Abyss and Raven were crying. Raven's mom had yelled at her again, and she couldn't take the pressure so she sought out for us on the hotline. Abyss... well...

I was listening to them over the phone, and it just came out.

'Let's escape from this inferno then. Let's break free from this world,' I had said. 'Let's end this... together.'

Let's take one last breath and say goodbye... forever.

"Don't you have a lot to lose?" I asked her.

"I can't live like this anymore." Tears began to form in her eyes. "Every single day, one day after the next...I want to escape."

I didn't know if the girl before me was really Daidouji Tomoyo. She sounded like Raven, but Daidouji Tomoyo was nothing like Raven. Raven was like the rest of us outcasts. Daidouji Tomoyo... wasn't. She had the attention that we didn't have. She had the looks, money, popularity and power. If I didn't hear Raven's side of the story first, I probably wouldn't have felt sorry for this girl.

But who was I to pity others?

"Count me in," said Pi.

Heroin shrugged his shoulders. "You guys already know my story, just tell me when and where."

Abyss turned to look at me. "What do you say, Flame? I'm in and that just leaves you."

"It was my idea, wasn't it?"

So it was set.

"My family has an abandoned cabin on the mountains and no one goes up there anymore. It's a thirty minutes drive there," Raven said quickly when she saw a car pulling into the school's driveway. "We can use it as our meeting place, let's meet up after school."

"I probably can't go," I stated quietly. "My Onii-chan will question me if I ask him for a ride up to the mountains."

"And I get out of school late because I'm an underclassman," Abyss said.

Pi adjusted his glasses slightly. "I can pick you up after work," he offered. "I work in a bookstore on weekends and it's just down the corner from the school."

"Thanks, Pi!"

"What about Flame though?"

Heroin shrugged. "I can give her a ride." Our eyes met for a second, and then he quickly looked away.

"Okay, I'll meet you and Flame after school," said Raven. "Abyss and Pi can meet up with us later. Let's exchange our cells."

As if by some sort of force, the five of us came into each other's lives and became intertwined together without knowing why or how it happened. Before we knew what was compelling us, we started to lose the barriers that we put up to protect ourselves from the cruelties and futilities in life. It just happened as simple as that.

Every one of us had problems of our own. The problems might not seemed like a big deal, but they were still problems we had to deal with every single days of our lives. Sometimes, the problems just piled up until we no longer had any control and we just gave up. That was what we all did. We had given up.

We just accepted this as an answer to our problems, an easy escape from Hell. What we didn't know was that we were going to become a part of something we've always hated... the something we all wanted an escape from.

"Flame..." I looked at the black haired girl. "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Why do you want to—” she took a quick pause, "—rid of yourself? I know that every one of us has problems, but we've never heard of your reason. I know you share the same feelings as us, it's just..."

The others stopped whatever they were doing to look at us. There was a long pause, and for a moment, I couldn't find my own voice.

Pi was the youngest in the group, yet he was in a higher grade than the rest of us. But in a society where money and looks were all that mattered, his intelligence was shunned upon as a thing that excluded him from the "normal" people; labeling him an outcast with no friends, no nothing.

Heroin, the junkie in the group, turned to drugs when society rejected him as a human being. Heroin and marijuana were his best friends; his only friends. In the eyes of others, he was nothing but an addict. But he wasn't addicted to the drugs. He was addicted to the end result of the drugs. Death.

Raven aka Daidouji Tomoyo seemed to be leading the perfect life every girls had dreamed about for years. A rich family, a pretty face, and a popular reputation; but there was more to the girl than what was on the outside. Being born into a rich family, she was raised to be perfection and nothing less by her mother. Every step that she took and every breath that she breathed had to be perfect, or else it wouldn't be up to her mother's standards.

Abyss, the second youngest in the group, had anything but a smooth life. Her mother passed away when she was little and she had to live with her father, an abusive and sick man. She was afraid of boys because her mind was haunted by the things he'd done to her. She didn't tell us what kind of things he'd done to her specifically, but I could've guessed.

All of our problems were different from each other. Mine was nothing compared to them.

I've never told them my problem... I just listened to them. I never imagined that it would go this far...

"Problems," scoffed Heroin when he saw my silence. "We all have them. It doesn't matter."

"Yeah," agreed Raven.

I turned my back to them and looked out into the parking lot. Cars were slowly pulling in; probably the teachers. I licked my dry lips and parted them slightly before letting the words out...slowly.

"I killed my parents."

«—To be continued—»