I disclaim this as being mine, etc.

Before you begin reading this, I think I need say a few things. Don’t worry, I’ll be quick.

is all crack!fic. It’s the first of a three-part nonsense plot bunny that is all fluff and humour and it will never be reading to improve the mind. I’ll post the second part in a few days, and the last bit a few days after that if all goes well.

2.I LOVE creature!fics and all fics along that vein, this is not meant to make fun of them in any way. One of my very favourite SBRL tales is a wolf-overcomes-Remus-and-drives-him-to-mate fic. I'm not making fun of them. It’s just I don’t have the skill to write one that will be taken seriously, so I turned my hand to this.

will get slightly smutty in the second and third chapters.

4. This is the last one, I promise! I’ve written this to alleviate stress and have a good time whilst waiting for those all important exam results. It was my way of having fun and I hope you all enjoy it.

5. Okay, I lied, but I forgot to warn people of the fact – IT IS SLASH.

Enjoy!

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The flaw with applying the laws of logic to magic is that – well, firstly, is that it’s stupid. But if we were looking a little deeper than that, we’d see that there’s a reason it’s stupid. Magic doesn’t like rules. It bimbles along quite happily with them at first and then – bam. It looses interest and leaps off to try some new and exciting venture.

There are many examples of this throughout Magical History, all with complicated and relevant repercussions on the way magic is handled in everyday wizarding life. But for something slightly more interesting, one should look at a certain incident involving four young men one hot summer afternoon many years back.

(Of course, all this philosophical musing is really just a load of bumf intended to introduce a story that starts with James and Sirius spending their Friday afternoon staring at Remus’s buttocks.)

“ – and look! Look. At. This!” Twin gazes followed Remus’s delicately pointing index finger to find a high, rounded and seemingly quite bouncy backside, which happened to be attached to the aforementioned werewolf.

“That’s it Remus, draw attention to it.” James muttered, casting a dark look in Sirius’s direction, who happened to be doing exactly as Remus said and looking at it. Intently.

“Well?” Remus whirled in a cloud of golden locks, either ignoring James, or becoming temporarily deaf through sheer panic. “What can I do?” he demanded.

James didn’t know.

James didn’t know what to do in cases where you walk in to your dorm at peace and one with the world despite having suffered a traumatic rejection at the hands of a certain young lady, only to find one friend passed out on the floor, one drooling harder than a bone-addled dog and the other completely transformed in a shockingly non-furry way.

In fact, he thought the question of the moment was not what to do about it all but how Remus had come into possession of soft golden hair, achingly sharp cheekbones, soft pouting lips, an effeminately slim waist, juicily rounded hips and a bum not even James (who was determinedly in love) could ignore, when the last time he had seen him he had just looked like, well, Remus.

He mentioned this and made a passing request as to whether Remus was now a girl.

Remus set upon spluttering so hard that he was unable to answer but in a stroke of luck, Sirius reanimated and was able to answer for him. (James counted it a larger stroke of luck that Sirius had not reanimated before he got here and leapt for the poor, bewildered werewolf)

“No.” There was something about the deep, rumbling tone that Sirius had taken on that gave James severe misgivings. “He’s def-in-it-ely still a bloke.”

“Oh good,” he replied, dubiously.

“Hmmm.”

James thought it was high time he had the full story. Including, but not limited to, how Peter had gotten knocked out.

He mentioned this too.

Sirius only shrugged. “Not a clue mate,” Remus made a strangled noise “I just looked up from the old quidditch weekly and - ” he made a weak attempt at spirit fingers. James stared at him for a second and then, as one, they turned back to Remus.

A sheepishly quivering gaze peered back at them through sooty lashes. “There isn’t really very much more to it than that.”

James was unimpressed. “There must be something more to it than that. You don’t just go pouf – er, bang – and suddenly you look like that.” A horrible thought struck him. “Unless you can…”

He shuddered with the idea that he too might suffer the shoulder shrinkage that Remus had been subjected to.

“No! It’s - ” Remus took a deep breath “ - it’s, well.” After another pause he continued with the slightly different tack of, “what happened was, we were all coming back to the dorm to wait for you and Sirius suggested I might like a shower, because of the heat and all. I quite fancied the idea, so I had one, only when I got out I discovered I had left my clothes back out here. That seems to be happening a lot these days, I think I’ve taken them through then - ” he trailed off thoughtfully.

Sirius coughed unrepentantly when James elbowed him.

“Anyway…” Remus shook of the reverie, “I thought nothing of it and wrapped a towel around and strolled in here to get dressed. The next thing I know Peter sees me, chokes twice and passes out on the floor - ”

“We think ‘twas beauty killed the beast” Sirius offered.

“ – so Sirius looks up and he chokes too and when I look in the mirror I find – find -”

He choked off the sentence, shrinking further into his now-oversized clothes swamping his delicate limbs. “Look at me,” he finished miserably.

They did, Sirius with rather more interest than James. Remus sighed and attempted to plop down onto the floor, only managing to sink gracefully in a swirling mass of shining hair. “Without being hysterical, or heaven forbid, girly” he murmured “I think I’m doomed.”

For a second James was tempted to agree with that statement, falling gravely to the floor, pulling Sirius next to him when it became clear the other was just going to stand there and attempt to look down Moony’s top. Then he became awash with renewed vigour, an experience quite reassuring when you’re facing a crisis.

“Don’t worry Moony. Are we not the Marauders?”

Remus was forced to agree that they were.

“And does that not mean, amongst other things, we are the best friends a person can have in a situation like this.”

Remus interjected that they had never really had a situation like this before. James brushed it aside with a casual wave of his hand.

“When have we failed you? Eh? C’mon Remmy, we always come through.” Remus jutted his bottom lip and James smiled cajolingly. “Haven’t we come through for you? Haven’t I come through for you?”

Sirius felt something of a competition arising. “I always come - ”

“Just don’t.” James said sharply.

Sirius glared. “I was reassuring him.”

“You, what you were doing - ” James floundered for the appropriate words. There weren’t any, he finally decided, least not while Remus was still present. Speaking of which, Sirius’s intentions were not the immediate problem right now. They might be in the near future, but not right now.

“I propose we hit the books and find out why this has happened.”

Sirius winced. “Oh, the books.” He spoke as one who had been drifting in a bookless paradise and was now brought sharply back down to a post-apocalyptic book-infested Earth.

James knew roughly how he felt.

They had just gathered themselves to heave upwards and thencely, onwards, to the library when a meek voice hovered in the air.

“Er. I may know why it’s happened. It’s just - I just don’t know how to fix it.”

They froze and then slowly lowered themselves back to seated.

“Remus. You actually have an explanation for all this?”

It wasn’t too much, James thought, to suppose this would be great. Stupendous. Really damn good. Even Sirius was taking an interest, and Sirius hadn’t taken a real interest in anything since Remus had spun round, tilted his arse in the air and demanded they take a good look at it.

When a person as besotted as Sirius is forced to take a look at an arse as tight as Remus’s, you can’t reasonably expect them to think on any other track for quite some time. James understood this. However, it seemed as if the anticipation for enlightenment had overpowered lust (finally) and Sirius was all ears to the explanation, if not strictly all eyes.

Remus regarded them solemnly, committing their respectful faces to memory, because it would probably be a reasonable amount of time until he saw them again.

“I’m a werewolf.”

James gasped. “Oh Moony.

“Remus, no.” Sirius gaped.

“All this time - ”

“We never knew -”

“Of course the signs were there - ”

“The furry episodes every month - ”

“But still how could we - ”

“Have really guessed that -”

“When you turned into a wolf -”

“It meant you were a werewolf.”

They finished on a chorus so gleeful Remus couldn’t help but smile. For a brief second pearly teeth shone out behind dusky pink lips and James could feel Sirius start to slacken next to him. Then it was gone as Remus fell into a frown.

“No really” he insisted.

“Oh c’mon Remus.” James shook his head incredulously. “What, you expect us to believe this is a new thing for werewolves? Slavering beasts three nights a week, and for the rest of the month, fabulous lady-boys?”

Sirius chuckled lowly and Remus huffed. “That’s not the point.”

James raised his eyebrows. “So enlarge.”

Remus shrank back again. “Well… it’s not going to make much sense.”

James laughed. “Go ahead, rock my currently-sane world. I don’t think I can be anymore confused, Moony.”

Remus blinked. “Fine. It’s because I’m a werewolf. Ah.” He held up a finger when Sirius made to speak. “And I read somewhere on certain occasions, the werewolf can get confused by puberty and instigate some sort of heat, which triggers certain… changes in the hosts body. Voila” he finished lamely.

“Riiight.” James drawled and even Sirius mustered enough attention to look doubtful.

“Right” Remus insisted, the sense that his audience were slightly less than receptive triggering a minor panic - characterised by the high vibrant flush gracing his cheekbones – because, all hyperbole, they were his last hope. James thought he could pick a better time to become frantic because now Sirius was starting to loose focus again. “James, Siri, it’s true. And it’s not just my body the heat has affected.”

James sighed. There would be more. This was the kind of day where there was more. “Tell us.”

“I can’t.” Remus sounded strangled. “It’s weird.”

“Well.” James thought this was the time to be firm with the other boy, no matter what he was going through. “You are weird Moony. We accept that. Now tell us.”

The next few words were very small and the boys had to crane to hear them. In fact, Sirius craned so far over he almost fell in Remus’s lap but James managed to haul him back.

“The wolf is talking to me.”

There was a pause, one of those heavily-laden, saying-more-than-words pauses that managed to convey both Remus’s shame and the other’s disbelief. (It also held a touch of needy longing from certain quarters but as usual, the only one who picked up on it was James)

Finally, surprisingly, Sirius asked the logical question. “And what is it saying?”

Remus squeaked. “It wants me to mate. With an Alpha…”

He grew so quiet that they almost missed the last words.

“…male.”

And with a strangled sob, he buried his face in his hands.

James wished he could go through a process of shock, disbelief, denial and finally acceptance, but, unfortunately for everyone involved, there just wasn’t time. For one, Remus looked about to sink into the ground with embarrassment. For a slightly more pressing two, Sirius was getting a dangerous look in his eyes.

A sort of desperately hopeful, wild, decisive look that meant Sirius pulling up his metaphorical socks and doing something. It also meant trouble.

And for three, he had a fairly burning question to ask of the quivering heap of femme across from him.

In situations like that, where several points are listed and one must prioritise, it’s normally best to go with one’s gut instinct. And one’s gut instinct was telling him to open his mouth and insert his foot quite firmly in it.

“So Moony. You fancy wolves now?”

We-ell. At least it shook Remus out of despondency. You could see his whole face now, right down to the sharp little chin… granted his face had come flying out of his arms with an indignant head-toss and said chin was wavering with righteous offence.

And Sirius, hell, that had put a wand in the works eh?

(In response the rhetorical question, the answer would be yes, a wand was in the works because if the look on those dashing features was anything to go by, the prospect of loosing out to a quadruped was obviously galling)

“NO!”

James didn’t think he had ever seen Remus look so outraged. As a matter of fact, beneath all those protect-me vibes the little wolfling was sending out, he could almost sense a flash of the old Moony. It was some comfort in a time of darkness.

“Who and what I fancy -” unfortunately, where the old Moony’s voice would be dry and biting in his anger, it seemed all Remus could muster up right now was sassy, “remains unchanged, thank you very much.”

“Oh?” Sirius seemed to grow a little taller and broader, “And who or what do you fancy?”

Remus floundered for a second, seemingly fighting a small battle inside his head. For a second, James could almost fancy he saw a golden light fill the other boys eyes and he could swear that Remus was arching his neck in a manner that he had only seen once before, when he walked in on two amorous seventh years, but then the smaller boy snapped back into rigid posture and replied tightly, “humans, of course.”

“Oh.” It was too much to hope for that Sirius would drop it now, of course, but James would admit that he still felt a slight tingling of optimism. It was dashed with the immediate follow up, “any humans in particular leaping out at you? With the wolf and all?”

Sometimes, Padfoot with a bone and Sirius with a Remus were virtually indistinguishable.

But –

Remus was caught, staring at them with an almost cornered expression.

this was most definitely new.

New in the sense that in all the prodding and poking and so-very-unsubtle enquiries that had gone on over the last few months, Remus had never reacted like that. He had just never reacted, full stop.

James loved his best friend for all the wonderful qualities he possessed and would defend him to the very end but even he would never claim that one of Sirius’s foremost characteristics was patience. It was no surprise that upon finding himself in the twin throes of love and lust he should end up spilling everything that swamped him to James, leaving the bespectacled boy to oversee the frankly painful interactions between besotted and besottee.

Unfortunately, like most people who believe their love to be a dark secret, he wasn’t all that good at hiding it. And (whether this was good or bad, James had no clue), like most people on the receiving end of a secret love, Remus wasn’t especially brilliant at spotting it.

The last few months had compromised an ungainly dance of missed opportunities, awkward innuendos and uncomprehending hurt so painful that James had been ready to hurl himself off of the Astronomy Tower a dozen times a day.

So he was naturally surprised when Sirius made the most pitiful of half-attempts to find out about Remus’s mysterious love life and not only got a reaction, but one that was practically violent by Moony standards.

And surprised didn’t even cover it when the rose-pink lips trembled once, opened and then came out with;

“Well. Em.”

James and Sirius gaped.

Never had two syllables held so much meaning, never had so near a confession to actual amorous feelings been made. Why, Remus had practically leapt up where he stood and yelled, ‘yes, I fancy person/persons of a specific nature”.

James sensed that was this was one of those times where one person needed to step up and take charge when all others were reeling from changing times and revelations, a time when certain urgent questions needed to be asked by a man of subtlety and skill, a time when either someone grabbed Sirius sharpish or the pureblood would leap and shake the answers out of Remus by force.

He was that person.

Putting a kind – but warning – hand on Sirius’s shoulder and a similar wand against the small of his back for good measure, he turned to face the now-luminous Lupin.

“Remus”, James said politely, “With the wolf and all?” Remus nodded shamefully. “Right. Explain yourself. Now.”

For a moment it looked like Remus would refuse, then the set look washed from the golden features, leaving the werewolf looking tired and drained. “You know when you see a person, and it just hits you that there’s something about them? Say, intense grey eyes or the smoothest looking black hair?”

“Green eyes or red hair”, James corrected.

“Gold…” Sirius added quietly.

Remus dipped his head, seeing they were all in accord. “Well I have that.”

He took in the matching squints of confusion aimed at him and it occurred to his pretty little head that he might have to explain. “Normally you think, ‘look at that black - ”

“Red”

“Gold”

“ – hair’ and you know, you just feel this helpless attraction.”

He checked to see whether everyone was with him and judged by the deep and meaningful nods that all was being comprehended. He continued, wishing absently that he didn’t have to talk with so many stresses and italics like some sort of girl talking about her sweetheart but it seemed that the new change had gotten hold of even his voice. Nothing was sacred.

“It’s sort of like that really. Only instead of hair and eyes, the wolf’s whispering things about height and strength and power, who would be able to protect me, who would be able to protect the pups, who’s alpha. And – sometimes it seems like it’s me thinking it.” He choked, “I swear, I’m about one show of dominance from throwing myself down and submitting. It wants a mate, and – I think I do too!”

“Who - ” James broke off, hands falling limply from Sirius as a disconcerting thought occurred to him, “Remus, you haven’t been out of this room, who would you have been attracted to?”

Remus sniffled.

James gawked at Remus, then at Sirius and finally at himself. It seemed as if something were clogging up his throat because he couldn’t get a full breath, “Wai – us? Me ‘n’ Pads ‘n’ Pete?”

The reply was rueful. “Peter sort of ruled himself out when he fainted actually.”

Sirius jerked once, “Rem… did you say pups?”

James’s head whipped round to Sirius. That – that was a very good, very salient, very terrifying question. “Remus? Did you?”

Remus’s eyes grew very large and at first James didn’t think he was going to reply at all. He was just about to dismiss the concept all together and return to the immediate conundrum of an increasingly desperate Sirius viewing him as competition when Remus blurted,

“James, Siri, I think I have a womb.”

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Thank you for reading this stupidity and please review! Concrit is MORE than welcome but flames will be laughed at (and right now I need a laugh).

McAbacus