|Curse of the Lousy Gamer
Author: Seldavia PM
Link is taking longer than usual to save the day, so Ganondorf and Zelda search for ways to kill time. A series of short, silly sketches.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 1,197 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 64 - Follows: 5 - Published: 08-13-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3721531
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"At last!" Ganondorf clenched his fist in defiance of the Hylian royal family, whose throne he now occupied. His profile lit up in a brilliant flash of lightning, and a roll of thunder crashed through the castle, shaking it to the foundation.
"I have nearly gained all the means I need to throw the land of Hyrule into a terrifying spiral of all-consuming darkness from which it shall never return! Now, with the holder of the Triforce of Wisdom imprisoned, and the final vessel on his way on his ill-fated quest to rescue the Princess, I shall become all-powerful!" Another thunderclap accompanied his maniacal laughter.
Slowly his laughter died down. He stood, waiting, as the lightning crackled overhead. He shifted his feet, then scratched the back of his neck. He checked his watch.
"Er…" he turned to Zelda, standing off to one side. "He is coming, right?"
She glanced around. "Any time now…"
"Right." Ganondorf drew his sword and made a few passes in the air. He practiced his slices and thrusts. Then he checked his watch again.
"Huh," he remarked. "He's usually here by now." He looked up at Zelda, who merely shrugged.
Ganondorf turned around and sat back down on the throne. He drummed his fingers on the armrests, glancing at his watch every few minutes.
"Why don't you go out and bring the fight to him?" Zelda suggested.
Recoiling in horror, Ganondorf replied, "Oh, I can't do that. It's not in the Villain's Code".
Gandondorf handed her a little book and pointed out page fifteen. "'A Villain must not go out looking for his prey unless he is a ninja, assassin, or of some other occupation that allows him to sneak up quietly'."
"I'd go, but I think he'd see me coming a long way off," Ganondorf explained. "All this armor rattles a lot."
Zelda flipped through the little book. "But it also says, 'A Villain should not sit complacently while the Hero builds strength'."
"Yeah, it's hard to follow all the rules. But I've got most of 'em covered. Here, look. 'A Villain shall not hide the source of his power in an obnoxiously obvious place, even if protected by weird security devices.' 'A Villain shall not build a Doomsday Device with a clearly marked Off button'. I mean, the majority of them are pretty obvious."
They stood in silence for a few moments. Finally Zelda asked, "So…did you ever get so far as to plan what to do with Hyrule once you get it?"
"Oh, you know…knock down this drafty old castle, put in some evil luxury condos…maybe put in an evil gym…an evil dry cleaner…"
"Man, this is boring," Ganondorf grumbled. "Um…so…you up for a game of cards?"
(Scene 1 – Hyrule Hold'Em)
"Oh, c'mon! I had a really great hand!" Ganondorf threw down his cards.
"You need to work on your poker face." Zelda shuffled the cards.
"What's wrong with my face? It's my normal, everyday face."
"That's the problem." She dealt out another hand.
Ganondorf scrutinized his cards. Suddenly he stood, raising them high in the air. "Behold! With this immensely superior hand, I shall reign supreme over-"
"See, that's what I mean about your poker face…"
(Scene 2 – Soul Calibur II)
Ganondorf collapsed into laughter. "Oh, man…did you see what that busty chick did? She totally whipped him with her sword!"
Zelda touched her forehead in a show of pathos. "You seem to enjoy losing."
"Who's losing? This is the most entertaining thing I've ever seen!" Gandondorf started up the round again. He was playing, of course, as Link.
She took up the other controller. "Here, you can play me then, if you enjoy losing so much." She selected versus-mode and chose Link as her own character.
"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna be the giant freaky guy with the axe."
Four seconds later, the game was over. "What the heck was that?!" Ganondorf demanded. "Did you just have Link sit on my shoulders and spank me?!?!"
"What's the matter? Got no game?"
(Scene 3 – Super Smash Bros.)
Zelda returned to the room with a glass of water from the kitchen. "Are you losing on purpose again?"
Ganondorf pointed to the screen.. "You gotta see this…they're these cute little fluffy animals, and they're beating the stuffing outta Link!"
"They're Pokemon. They're supposed to have special powers or something."
"Yeah, but are they supposed to be cute???? I throw these little balls, and boom, they pop out!"
Zelda sighed and sat down. "Okay, I'm playing too."
"Why don't you play yourself?" Ganondorf asked as she selected Bowser.
"Seems kind of pointless, don't you think?"
"I guess…I'm gonna be the cyborg guy."
"Samus is a woman."
"What?!?! Oh well…I guess it's not like you can tell."
(Scene 4 – ZeldaXGanondorf [Not really)
"What's the point of this again?" Ganondorf asked as Zelda put little scraps of paper in a hat.
"It's called fanfiction brainstorming. You select two people out of the hat, and then you write a romantic story involving the two."
"Sounds boring," he grumbled. "What if I pick two guys, or two chicks?"
"Okay…what if they're in different universes, and have probably never met each other before?"
"All right…what if the thought of the two people together bends all spacetime as we know it, as it could not possibly have any grounding in reality?"
"Ooooookay…" He reached into the hat without looking, and picked out two slips of paper. They read 'Ganondorf' and 'Navi'. "Okay, no, we're not doing this."
(Scene 5 – The Hot Springs Episode)
The two of them sat on opposite sides of the huge natural stone basin. "So, what is this for, again?" Ganondorf demanded. "Something about hijinks?"
Zelda shrugged. "My own handbook states, 'Every series set in Japan, or created by Japanese, must have some reference to hot springs. Hijinks and crazy adventures will follow'."
"So when does it start?" Ganondorf glanced around. "Am I supposed to press a button, or something? Should the Gorons be involved? What are hijinks, anyway?"
"I think they're those things you sprinkle on ice cream."
"No, those are jimmies. And you wouldn't bring ice cream in here."
Zelda stood, revealing…her turn-of-the-century bathing suit, essentially an unflattering black sundress. "I'll go ask the owner."
Ganondorf waited. Finally she returned. "I couldn't make any sense out of his answer."
"This seems pretty boring to me. I have no idea why this would be required."
(Scene 6 – Get Your Groove On)
"You bought it, 'cause you're smart! You bought it at Malo Mart!" The two of them swung their hips as part of the latest dance craze.
Suddenly they heard someone clear their throat behind them, and whirled round.
"Excuse me," Link said. "Am I interrupting something?"