Crossover

Chapter Five

Written by J. Donavan Edmond

"So," The Londoner said as he took a long pull from his cigarette, "You think of anythin' else we need to do?"

"Listen, John," The larger man said leaning across the café table, "I can't thank you enough. If you hadn't told me about..."

"Hush up, mate," The man called John cut him off, "Can't be too careful. We don't know who's listnin'." He stubbed out his cigarette and then pointed his finger at the man across the table from him, "Me bein' me, I can't stay off the radar, but you bloody-well can. This blighter doesn't know about you or, more precisely, 'e doesn't think you're a threat to him. You don't register to him n' the longer you can keep it that way, the better."

The younger man smirked at the middle-aged Brit, "You saying I get a code name?"

"There's a reason people have 'em." John said, reaching into his pocket for his cigarettes but thinking better of it, "So, have a good one?"

"Pseudonym." The man said without hesitation.

John smirked at this. It was a rare thing to happen to him, but in this circumstance, he was getting used to being on new ground. Of course, the only reason the Brit had no experience with this particular insanity was because it had never happened before, or at least insofar as anyone could remember. True to form, John had tripped into the information that let him know what was happening, probably thanks to his unique place in the Omniverse. He had happened upon something very strange: a being who had access to great power gathering villains from across realities. The enemy was very good at keeping quiet and if it hadn't been for the fact that his efforts were breaching time as well as the walls of Multiverses, John might never have been able to determine what was happening.

And, upon knowing what was going on, he was able to figure out what to do about it.

Now, he sat across from the individual who might be the only one who could stop the hidden foe. Still, he couldn't do it alone. The pair of them had set in motion events that could possibly put an end to the villain's machinations, but they had to be subtle about it. Any sign that they were onto the enemy, and the entire Omniverse could be thrust completely into chaos. The delicate nature of all realities had already been put off balance, all John could do is do his best to ensure it didn't get worse.

He smiled at the man across the table. "Works for me." He said as he stood up, "Call me 'Zero'."

"Done, Zero," The man called Pseudonym said as he rose and extended his hand. His face suddenly grew serious, "When will I have to get involved directly?"

"Don't know." Zero said grimly, "Maybe never, but that seems unlikely."

"Thanks again, Zero." The best hope for the Omniverse said to the man who had informed him that was so, "If I need to find you, I'll know how."

With that, he left the café and turned the corner. John stood for a moment, watching where he had gone. Pseudo might be the best hope for the universe, but he wasn't the last. Pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his coat, the investigator stepped out into the street.

He had some favors to call in.

---

"So, Socrates, what do you think?" The cowboy said with a half smile, "More time travelers?"

Buckaroo Banzai's eyebrows raised when he heard this. He glanced over toward his allies with a look of confusion which was mirrored by all of them. He turned back to the trio of of Nineteenth-Century San Franciscans to find that his reaction had been noticed.

"That's it, isn't it?" The man in the tan coat said as he approached Buckaroo, "You guys are from the future, aren't you?

"That's complicated." Sue spoke up.

"Yeah," The massive black man wearing a bowler hat said as he stepped into a threatening position in Hellboy's, "Well, how 'bout you give us the short version."

Hellboy looked down at the large man who was still dwarfed by the demon's immense form, "Maybe you'd better calm down before someone gets hurt."

Dr. Banzai took a step forward, interceding himself between Hellboy and the dark-skinned cowboy, "Gentlemen, please!" He pleaded, "We're all civilized here and we're all a little bit stressed. If we could all just sit down and relax for a moment, we could explain everything to our new friends."

Buckaroo was being more hopeful than anything. Upon appearing on the streets of San Fransisco in the decade before the turn of the Twentieth Century, the dimension-lost quartet was almost immediately corralled by a pair of men dressed in eccentric cowboy outfits. They lead the four heroes into an alley way and behind several shops. The smaller, lighter-skinned man explained that they couldn't be seen as they went. Eventually, they ended up in the office of a lawyer named Socrates Poole, where they now found themselves. Banzai was confident that the three individuals could be allies, but with everyone's tension in high gear, it would take some calm diplomacy to prevent an incident.

"Sorry about my friend here." The white cowboy said, "You're right, we should all just relax and have a seat." He directed his last few words at the black man through gritted teeth.

"Great," Dr. Banzai said, extending his hand, "I'm Buckaroo Banzai."

The smaller of the two cowboy's met Banzai's hand with his own, "Brisco County, Jr." He indicated the lawyer who stood behind them, "That's Socrates Poole and this fella goes by the name of Lord Bowler."

Bowler took off his hat, still wary of the newcomers, "Pleased to meet you."

Hellboy stepped forward and offered his hand to Bowler, "Name's Hellboy." He said as the dark-skinned cowboy shook his hand.

"Sue Storm, The Invisible Woman." Sue announced, taking the hand of Brisco and then quickly moving on to the other two.

"And this," Buckaroo announced, indicating the pirate who had been sulking behind him, "This is Jack Sparrow."

Jack mumbled something that seemed to contain the words "captain" and "rum" as well as a number of well-placed curses. Everyone simply ignored his complaints and, soon, the story of where the strange quartet had come from was laid out. To Buckaroo's surprise, Brisco seemed able to follow many of the details and further proved his wit by asking several intelligent questions about the situation, one of which, there was no answer.

"So why is all of this happening?" The bright cowboy queried, "Why are holes in reality opening up an sending people to other realities? There has to be a reason."

"I agree," Hellboy said, "And I think we're all getting a little tired of being jerked around."

"What else can we do?" Sue reasoned, "We need to find out why this is happening and the best bet is to keep moving in the hopes that we can find someone or something useful in one of our trips."

"What about not going through the portal?" Brisco asked.

"We thought about that," Banzai responded, "But if there is someone behind this, how will we find out who if we don't keep looking?"

"Maybe he'll find you." Lord Bowler said, his first sentence since the discussion began.

Everyone in the room looked at him in confusion and he took this as a chance to explain his point. "If someone is messing with you and you stop playing their game, they'll come to you."

Again, Bowler was met with stunned silence. Finally, Hellboy spoke up, "That's the best plan I've heard so far." He said glibly.

"Nicely done, Bowler." County said, clapping his comrade on the shoulder, "Once again, you've proven how important it is to have someone with your perspective among intellectuals."

"Yeah, well I done save your ass enough times, huh?" The large black man responded.

Everyone began to laugh.

And the south wall exploded.

Instincts set in immediately as everyone dove for cover. Hellboy drew his gun and leapt to the wall, getting intercepted by an invisible force barrier. Another blast struck the barrier and Buckaroo noticed the red laser beam in the dust.

"Get down!" He screamed, "They're using laser sights."

"Sue," Hellboy hollered, "Let me through! I see him!"

Suddenly, Hellboy could pass through where the field had been. As he stepped forward, Dr. Banzai saw that the laser light moved up to the demon's eye. As the scientist and rock musician was about to yell a warning, he watched as the beam was interrupted by Hellboy's huge pistol. The demon looked down his arm for a split second and, as he did so, Banzai could see the beam as it went right down the barrel. The gun's discharge was still deafening through the din of the previous blasts and Buckaroo was amazed that even Hellboy's gigantic physique was rocked by the recoil. For a tense moment, Hellboy continued to aim in the same direction. Then he smiled and dropped his arm.

"Get ready, folks." The demon said, "He's coming."

Bowler leapt to his feet, his sawed-off shotgun in hand. He moved faster than his stature would have seemed to allow possible. He positioned himself directly in front of Hellboy and readied his weapon, aiming down the barrel. Suddenly, his face changed from stoic anger to surprise.

"Bowler, no!" Brisco yelled, far too late for it to do any good.

A creature the same size as Hellboy leapt through the hole in the wall, a massive sword in its hand. It wore armor made of bone and some sort of metal, but its feet and hands were bare. It had tendrils hanging off its head that looked like dreadlocks and a massive ovular forehead with a bony ridge around the perimeter. Its face was purely alien, with small, beady eyes, no nose, and a mouth that was covered by a quartet of talons which were open to reveal a few razor-sharp teeth. Its maw was open and a sound that Buckaroo approximated to be laughing was coming out of it.

It was having fun.

There was a tremendous clash as Hellboy blocked the creature's blade with his stone right hand, keeping its deadly arc from removing Lord Bowler's head from his shoulders. However, its own right hand was free and it landed a backhand squarely across Bowler's jaw and sending him flying into the East wall, a rivulet of blood trailing as he flew. He hit the wall hard and slumped to the ground.

Banzai looked back to the struggle between Hellboy and the creature to see that it seemed like the monster was winning. The sword grew closer and closer to the demon's face as he reeled from the force of the monster. Just as the deadly blade was inches from cutting into the massive red hero's face, the monster pulled it away and tried kicked out. Its foot landed flatly on the demon's chest sending the hero flying through the office door. It quickly looked around for another victim and its eyes settled on Socrates.

Sensing the danger, the lawyer leapt up to run for the destroyed door, but the monster was ready. Its right hand swung in an arc and a circular weapon flew forward. Razor blades snapped from the weapon on all sides as it spun a deadly arc toward Socrates Poole. The weapon slammed into the center of his back and sent him flying forward into a recovered Hellboy. Catching the lawyer, the demon looked down in anger as he watched the man's life fade away.

"Socrates!" Brisco screamed, "No!"

The creature began to move in Hellboy's direction, searching for a victim to kill on the way. Buckaroo Banzai unsheathed his katana and drew his pistol. He aimed at the creature's head and fired. The bullet cut into the skin on the creature's massive skull, but grazed off, leaving the beast momentarily stunned, but still up. Jack leapt into battle, his sword swinging in expert arcs, some of which managed to slice a hand full of small cuts into the beast's hide. The alien lifted its blade, in preparation to separate Jack from his head. With a smirk and a single fluid motion, Jack drew his flintlock and placed it into the creature's ribs. A spray of green, phosphorescent blood erupted from the beast's back, accompanying the explosion of the weapon's powder. A horrific scream erupted from the monster's throat as Jack tumbled away from combat.

Having dropped Socrates' lifeless body, Hellboy was stepping forward for another round. He halted when he noticed the creature collide with an invisible wall.

"I have him." Sue said grimly, "He's contained."

"Sue, I can deal with this." Hellboy said with a growl that sent a chill down Dr. Banzai's spine, "Make sure everyone else is okay."

"I protected Bowler." The Invisible Woman informed the demon, "And I can deal with this... thing."

Buckaroo approached the super-heroine. He could see the beads of sweat on her forehead as she strained to maintain concentration. He watched her body language sag slightly each time the monster slammed a massive fist into the barrier. Banzai knew that Sue Storm had been constantly straining herself for days with only minimal rest. She was immensely powerful, but even she had her limits.

"Sue, you can't keep this up for long." The doctor said calmly, loud enough to be heard over the creatures strange guttural laughs and screams, "Get Lord Bowler out of here. You gave us the break we needed and now, the four of us can deal with it.

Sue stared at the man for a tense moment, her eyes clearly showing her exhaustion. Finally, after a particularly violent assault on her force field, she nodded her head, "Get ready."

"On my signal." Hellboy said, redrawing his pistol and aiming at the beast. Banzai, with his Magnum, and Brisco, with his twin peacemakers, followed suit, the cowboy's face curled into a scowl of rage. Jack also stepped forward, finishing the reloading of his own archaic pistol and pointing the barrel at the creature's head. Hellboy moved into position closest to the creature, which had stopped its struggle and merely glared from one hero to the next. Sue made her way to Lord Bowler's side and knelt down near him.

"I'm going to put a field around us and make us invisible." She said, "We should be protected."

Hellboy looked to the heroine, his eyes showing great sorrow, "Be safe, Sue." He said. Then, as she disappeared from sight he added: "Now!"

The monster was free, but didn't move. It merely glared into the eyes of one hero and then the next, a low clicking emanating from its throat. Hellboy stood firm, advancing only slightly to match the few steps of his opponent. Brisco's eyes were cemented on the creature down the sights of his pistols. His right eye twitched as he watched it. Even Jack was grim, a look of determination glued to his snarling face. Buckaroo aimed his gun at the monster's left eye, hoping to blind it, if not slay it outright.

Hellboy finally spoke, "You are one, ugly mother..."

Before he could finish, the monster leapt at him and the room exploded with gunfire. Jack's flintlock tore a piece of flesh off of the alien's side and Brisco's bullets impacted one after the other in the soft flesh of the creature's belly. Hellboy's immense pistol demolished the armor on its left shoulder and Buckaroo managed to hit several times in the creature's upper chest, one of the bullets ricocheting off the armor and into the wall. With a savage scream, the monster brought its blade down on the demon hero. Hellboy tried to block again, but the beast changed direction at the last moment and the blade connected with the red one's ribs and opened a long gash. Groaning, Hellboy twisted with the blade and managed to move out of the way of the creature's follow-up arc. Jack and Buckaroo then went after the alien with their own blades. Flanked by the two heroes, it took a moment for the monster to adjust its strategy and, by the time it had, both Banzai and Sparrow had rolled away, leaving small slices and gashes in their wake. Brisco then stepped forward, holding Lord Bowler's sawed-off shotgun. He took quick aim and let loose with a volley of shot that perforated the horrific face of the enemy.

Rage, saliva, and phosphorescent blood erupting from its crab-like face, the alien leapt towards Brisco, who was already dodging out of the way. However, the creature never made its way to its target as Hellboy intercepted it with his body. The hero snapped his stone arm out and shattered the monster's blade, then brought his other hand up to grasp its larger right mandible. With a scream, Hellboy pulled on the mandible which tore away from the monster's face sending flesh and blood spraying. The demon then followed up with a massive punch to the creature's face, shattering bone and cartilage further. Reeling from the assault, the monster fell back several steps as Hellboy did the same. Dropping the hilt of the destroyed sword, the beast brought its left hand to its ruined face, but couldn't seem to move its right. Its growls turned into what almost sounded like whimpers as it surveyed the damage to its body.

"It's done." Brisco said coldly, "Whatever the hell it is?"

At that moment, the beast's whimpers turned into laughter; a forceful guttural laugh that emulated that of a human. It used momentum to swing its right arm to its left hand and opened a panel on its wrist. Tapping several buttons, the creature then fell to the floor, allowing the four heroes to see the rapidly changing alien LED as it beeped regularly.

"Bomb!" Buckaroo yelled, leaping to the monster's side. He studied the device for several moments before giving his analysis, "Unbelievable. This appears to be some sort of anti-matter device."

"How bad a bomb is that?" Brisco said.

"Bad." Banzai answered tensely, "It might vaporize everything within a few miles, unless I can figure out a way to..."

Just then, everyone noticed the blue-white glow emanating from outside. Buckaroo looked to Jack and Hellboy. Finally, he said: "Go, I'll try to disable this thing."

Kneeling down beside the monster's still body, Banzai only had a half-second warning before the monster lashed out with its left hand. Rolling backwards out of the grip of the creature, Buckaroo looked to his three allies.

"Why won't this bloody thing die?" Jack said, "I think it's high time for Captain Jack to determine what is the better part of valor, 'ere."

"Fine, Jack," Hellboy said with a snarl, "Just go."

Jack stared at the demon for a moment and, finally, offered his advice, "And my thought is: 'Perhaps we should make our egress together, 'cause I ain't leaving me mates behind.'"

Hellboy smiled and looked back to Buckaroo Banzai who was attempting to get close to the thrashing alien. He looked at the heroic demon and shook his head grimly. Suddenly, the beast lifted from the ground, surprising everyone in the room, including it. The beast floated out the hole in the wall and up into the sky. Banzai and the others followed the levitating creature outside, seeing a straining Sue Storm as she lifted the beast high into the air. She looked to them and waved sheepishly before returning her concentration to her task.

"This thing wasn't from here." She said, "Someone knows where we are. You gentlemen should keep moving."

"What about you, Sue?" Asked Hellboy as he moved closer to her.

"I'm staying here to deal with make certain this monster doesn't hurt anyone else." She then looked to Brisco and added, "Bowler will be fine, I got him to the doctor down the road."

"Good," The cowboy said and turned to Hellboy, "Then I'm going with you."

"Why?" Dr. Banzai asked, "You can stay here and take care of your friend."

"And bury another one." Brisco County Jr. said, "No, I aim to find out whose behind this whole thing and help you folks deal with him."

"The portal's beginning to close!" Buckaroo announced, "We need to go now!"

---

"What the hell do you mean the portals reopened?" The Chairman screamed.

"I mean they reopened." Henry Bendix said calmly, "Our countermeasures didn't work a second time. It's just that simple."

"Simple my ass!" Replied the leader, "Fine, then we may be able to redirect them."

"It might be possible," Bendix informed him, "But to where?"

"Anywhere, it doesn't matter. Just get all three groups into the same spot."

Bendix began furiously working for several seconds. The Chairman watched over his shoulder intensely, glaring at the screen. Finally, Bendix stopped working and stared at the readings, himself.

"It's done." He said with his classic professional calm, "All three groups are going to the same place."

"Excellent!" The Chairman said, a cruel grin making its way across his visage, "Where can we find them?"

"The only coordinates I had readily on hand," Bendix replied, "From whence our most recent recruit to our cabal came."

The Chairman thought for a moment and then smiled. "Phenomenal. Get me in contact with Brainiac. Once he arrived there, he'll have more than enough resourced to deal with these stowaways."

---

Ashly J. Williams was getting very tired of landing on his ass.

Since he had first encountered the busty brunette and her twin pistols, he had ended up on his posterior more times than he could count. She had appeared out of thin air and landed firmly on him, not usually an issue with Ash, but he was fighting a massive deadite monstrosity at the time. An archaeologist (Professor James... or maybe Jones?) had discovered what he thought was his career-making find: an ancient artifact that was rumored to have the power to return life to the dead. He had decided to unveil it at a huge gala to the upper crust in Detroit.

This, of course, went poorly.

A few hours later, Ash was facing off against the archaeologist (Johnson... Jersey... Jeffries... Carlson...?) who had been infused, of course, with massive amounts of deadite power. When the woman arrived, she interrupted the hero as he was about to fire his killing strike. The distraction almost cost both of them their lives, as the deadite-possessed professor (Kinder... Adams... Gobleski... that was it!) took advantage and sent a mass of writhing tentacles in the direction of the pair of them.

Fortunately, the lady had more than a sexy ass; she came equipped with a pair of pistols, intense acrobatic skill, and a bad attitude. The two of them managed to stop Professor Gobleski, but, as he died, he shattered the building's load-bearing wall. As the ceiling began to collapse, Ash saw a glowing bluish light in the corner. Knowing a portal when he saw one and seeing no other way out, he tackled the woman into the light.

And ended up on his ass.

The two of them soon encountered a gorgeous, green-haired woman who carried an arsenal and was fighting off an army of what appeared to Ash to be ninjas. Not really knowing what else to do and having a greater fondness for scantily-glad, emerald-maned babes than pajama-wearing martial artists, Ash and his new ally began blasting away at the ninja hordes. Soon, the dark-garbed fanatics ran for it, giving Ash and his the women a chance to figure out what had happened. The first one he had encountered was named Lara Croft and was a seeker of antiquities. The newest associate was called Aphrodite IX and seemed to know close to nothing about her own past. Soon after introductions and a quick explanation (and Ash's assumptions as to the sexual orientation of the women due to their lack of interest in him), another portal appeared and, with the shrug, the three leapt in.

Ash found himself again on his posterior in a wasteland of some sort. They began walking and quickly happened upon a small band of cultists who seemed prepared to sacrifice a young girl and her large, loincloth-garbed, dark-haired ally. Not being big on sacrifices, the three heroes managed to free the two captives. In the ensuing battle, the cultists were cut down and Ash ran out of gas for his chainsaw. Allies arrived just in time for another portal to open, the massive barbarian accidentally fell in, taking Lara when she tried to catch him. Aphrodite tumbled her way there and rolled into the portal, but Ash considered ignoring it. Then he though of the fact that he was all alone on a world he knew nothing about, so he made the leap.

He didn't think about his aching rump, and this was much to his chagrin when he once again landed upon it in a stinking alleyway in Victorian London. Expecting another short stay, Ash and the other three (the barbarian finally managing to communicate that his name was "Conan"). Immediately began looking for trouble. Finding none, they soon discovered that they seemed to be enjoying a longer stay this time around and had managed to gain the attention of the local authorities. Deciding not to resist, they were taken to Scotland Yard and introduced to none other than Sherlock Holmes himself. After explaining what they could to Holmes, they were locked up in holding until someone could figure out what to do with them. For almost three days, they rotted in the cell, Lara managing to parlay her linguistic skills into a form of communication with Conan and everyone trying to determine what to do next. Finally, another portal appeared and all four agreed that leaving for the unknown was better than doing nothing and wasting away in the Tower of London forever.

After another ass-first crash landing, the four of them found themselves in a series of smooth, futuristic hallways where red-lights were flashing and everything was shaking. They ran through the hallways in confusion until encountering an attractive woman with metal attachments on her face and wearing a form-fitting bodysuit. Quickly explaining their plight, she told them that they had wound up on a starship that was about to suffer a critical reactor failure and explode and there was no way off. The newcomers and the woman, called "7 of 9", spent several minutes trying to determine a way to fix it, but to no avail. Just as the shaking became more violent, yet another portal appeared and Ash threw the new woman over his shoulder and leapt for it.

Ending up where he was now.

On his ass just like the dozen or more beings who were looking as confused as he was feeling.

He looked around and assessed the situation. The three woman and one man had come with him: Lara Croft, Aphrodite IX, Conan, and 7 of 9. About twenty yards away, an individual that looked like a humanoid turtle kipped-up from his original position on the ground. Near him was a man wearing a crimson version of a Robin Hood outfit, and a pair of women; one in a black leather outfit with a cape and the other in some sort of raver get-up. About twenty yards away from them sat a quartet that could only be describes as a hornless demon, a pirate, an 80's rock star, and a good-looking cowboy. About a quarter of a mile away was a huge, ominous castle sitting beneath a dark sky. Beyond the castle was a rustic-looking village.

All of the others were getting to their feet and wore concerned and curious looks. Figuring that they might all be in the same position, Ash made the first move.

"Hey folks," He said, feeling stupid that he hadn't come up with anything better, "How's everyone doing?"

They all looked at him with bewilderment. Finally, the large demon-looking one spoke up. "I'm guessing we have all been going through something similar. So maybe we should compare notes and we can figure out what's going on."

"Sounds like a good idea." The turtle-looking one said, adding, "Maybe we can figure out who's behind this."

As if in response, a cacophony exploded in the air around them, sending a number of them to the ground (Ash included) from the sheer sonic force. Above them, the sky was gray and a gargantuan, metallic skull with writing, chrome tentacles floated above them. The skull emitted a voice that sounded like a toasted talking through a megaphone.

"Greetings heroes," The voice said with a complete lack of emotion, "The time has come for your journeys' to end. My name is Brainiac, and I have been sent to kill you all."

End Chapter Five