A/N - I haven’t written Kingdom Hearts fic in about a year, so I have no clue what the fandom is like now. I’ve been heavily involved with Trinity Blood but a conversation caused me to start thinking KH, so I wrote up a couple of ditties and I will be bouncing back here on occasion. This is slightly AU (takes place in this world), but it’s really irrelevant for the most part.

PG/13 for reference to rape and a couple of swears. Subtle Axel x Roxas, with references to my fanon-canon Demyx x Larxene and Marluxia x Axel.

Axel struggles with the words he is unable to ever say. That’s pretty much it.

Perfectly Fine

By PikaCheeka

The two boys walk down one of the halflit paths in the dying evening. They’ve just spent half the day either at the skate park or at the library, a strange combination until one knows them. Axel is taller, older, but with an air of desperation around him, as if he’s missing a part of himself. Roxas is younger, tough and resilient on the outside, defiant of he world. They are best friends, meeting only a year or so ago but being fast ever since.

Axel breathes in the fall air and sighs. The cold is finally setting in after a summer he thought would never end. He is very sensitive to heat, and he loves the cold coming upon them now. The boy next to him is the opposite, already wearing a heavy coat and shivering. The winter only depresses him, reminds him of how empty his world is. Neither going to school, Axel having graduated as a self-proclaimed expert on Eastern European literature, Roxas a dropout, simply lost. He did go, not that long past either, but then something happened. He shudders and crosses his arms over his chest. “’s cold.”

“Feels good.” The older man knows it irritates the boy to say that, but he doesn’t care. They drive one another crazy. It is the nature of the beast. And then he realizes. “You haven’t seen Namine recently.”

“She’s been busy.” Roxas growls. Or he’s been avoiding her.

They continue down the path, the subject dropped. Axel’s talks a lot and Roxas is sullen by nature, so when the boy is in a bad mood, conversation is futile. But Axel just likes to be near him.

“Got a smoke?” Roxas finally asks.

“When don’t I?” Axel smiles crookedly and pulls out a box with his slender fingers. He’s a chain smoker, so much that at his young age his chest already rattles. That on top of his thinness and fits has made him desperately unhealthy, and Roxas is always worried about him. He’s sat up with Axel too often a night, trying to calm him, trying to get him to breathe, trying to get him to forget all the horrible things in his past. Axel by nature is one who suffers. His insecurities led him to an intense arrogance, which only provoked others to hate him further. And his hunger for power has caused him to betray everyone he knew, except Roxas. He could never hurt the boy.

Roxas sits down on a nearby bench and holds out his hand. His messy blonde hair hands in his face, so long now it’s near his shoulders in some places. Handing the younger boy a smoke, Axel sits behind him and sighs. He can smell Roxas, his little-boy cologne and his innocence. The innocence that so maddens him. He is not a good person sometimes, most of the time, and though he’s restrained himself for so long, he’s been wracked with guilt from the first day. He dreams of Roxas in ways he shouldn’t. For a time the very fact that they were both men was enough to deter him. That was until he got raped a half a year ago, and the proof that his body enjoyed it despite himself only proved to him how badly he wanted it. Now it was only his desperate love for the boy that protects their friendship, fragile as it is. He lights up his cigarette, leaning over and touching the end of his to Roxas’.

“You’re so quiet today.” The blonde says suddenly. “Something happen last night?”

“Naw. Just thinking about shit, I guess.” Axel can feel his shoulder brushing the boy’s. He hesitates, then leans towards the boy slightly, just enough for there to be pressure between them. He knows what he feels but he’s terrified to admit it.

“Dude.” Roxas exhales slowly, savoring in the cigarette. “You hear about Demyx and Larxene getting’ hitched?” Two friends of theirs.

“Yea. Maybe this’ll shape her up.”

Roxas laughs and the other man can feel the shudder go through him. “Are you kidding? She’s totally made him her bitch!” And they both knew it to be true. Larxene was a madwoman, Demyx a sweet foolish boy. “Seems like everyone’s pairing off now.”

“You’ve got Namine.” Axel likes how Namine is what keeps him away. She is his safety net, his wall around Roxas.

“You never talk about girls” Roxas says it so bluntly, so unemotional, it is almost an accusation. Axel looks up, startled, but the younger boy is watching his cigarette wind down. He fears to meet Axel’s eyes. There is more than one reason why he doesn’t spend his time with Namine.

He older man smiles faintly. “I’m not so good with love. Can only handle one thing at a time and right now that’s life.” He lies. He’s already in love, though he can never say it.

“Another?” Roxas holds out his hand and Axel hands him another one, his fingers lingering. Roxas doesn’t resist. He never does when Axel touches him. Axel makes him feel safe and he’s embarrassed by what he feels for his friend. He knows it’s wrong. He also knows that talking about girls and hanging out with one in particular doesn’t make one like them. “Makes me lonely a little.” He says suddenly.

“What does?” Axel catches his eye finally.

“Seems like everyone has someone.” The boy shrugs.

“Don’t be.” He lights their cigarettes and makes an indignant sound. “You shouldn’t be.”

“Why not?”

“’Cause you’ve got more than them.” He wants to say it, wants to tell this beautiful blonde boy that he loves him to the end, but he can’t. When he dropped his hand after lighting up, he dropped it to the boy’s thigh. Roxas doesn’t move though. Doesn’t seem to notice.

“Axel?” Roxas leans over quizzically, his body dangerously close. He likes Axel’s scent. It smells like the only home he ever knew. He wants to interpret his friend’s words but is scared to, scared he may be wrong. But Axel is ignoring him, looking away, looking troubled, so the boy goes on. “Are you okay?”

The redhead is struggling with words he cannot say. Instead he reaches out and squeezes the back of the boy’s neck gently, stroking his throat with his thumb. Roxas turns his head automatically, pressing the side of his face into Axel’s hand, savoring in the warmth, the touch that is so much more…Axel looks at him and smiles at the younger boy, who with half-closed eyes leans into him. The unspoken words are so heavy in the air he can see them, taste them. “I’m fine.” He whispers. “Perfectly fine.”