Point of Fracture

Summary: She would never trade the freedom of the earth for her own happiness – a short lived one at that. But she couldn’t help but envy the other her. The woman that called herself Sam. (Point of View tag)

Pairing: Sam/Jack

Disclaimer: I a poor one am. Nothing do I have. Freely do I give.

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She sat in her office, wishing the day would end. She sighed again, possibly for the fourteenth time in the last five minutes, but there was no one here to hear her, everyone else had gone home many hours ago, as they did every day. But she could never just leave tomorrow’s work for tomorrow. It was always too interesting, too important to be left till the next day. Today’s work however, was not important, not interesting and in any other circumstances she would have been glad to go home.

But not today. Because going home meant leaving her office and she knew that when she did she would find him waiting for her. Usually, this would have given her comfort, the fact that she knew what he would do, but instead it made her bitter. Today, all she could feel was bitter. She was envious of a woman whose entire world was on the brink of destruction. How could that not make a person bitter? A small part of her thought that it would be worth it, just being able to have him for that small moment before the world collapsed around her, but she knew she was being stupid and selfish. She would never trade the freedom of the earth for her own happiness – a short lived one at that. But she couldn’t help but envy the other her. The woman that called herself Sam.

Because that other Sam had been able to do what she had not, she had been able to balance a working life with a love life. She had been able to be a part of the Stargate program without sacrificing her own personal feelings. She wished she could have done the same. But at the same time she wondered whether that had something to do with the destruction of the planet. Whether, somehow, her being with Jack could have caused the Goa’uld to kill them all. A small part of her hoped that was true. It validated her life, in some way, to know that her decision had been the right one. But where there was a shallow feeling of satisfaction, that thought left a far bitterer after taste than she had expected. Because it meant that they would never be together. If her being with him in some way caused the invasion, then there was no chance that they could ever be together.

And that was a thought she couldn’t stand to think.

It had loomed over head for such a long time now, The ifs, the maybes. She had always hoped that one day everything would sort itself out and they would find each other again, That some day the rules wouldn’t stand in their way and they could finally tell each other how they felt. That one day they wouldn’t stand in the way of themselves and that they would be able to tell each other how they felt.

She had begun to think that that day would never come.

This damned war seemed as though it would never end, Every snake they killed was only hiding a bigger, worse one behind it. Apophis, Hathor, Sokar, when would they all be gone? When would they be able to sit back and say they had done their job? Had she known, going into it, that they would be starting a war they could never possibly win, would she have refused? She wished she could have, wished she could have met Jack before the SGC, wished she had gone to NASA and never heard of the Stargate or Jack O’Neill, but she knew such musings were false and ridiculous. She wouldn’t live life any other way. She couldn’t live her life without the SGC, she knew that she was too important to it and that it was much too important to her. Which really, was the reason she had never approached Jack, never asked for his love. As much as she wanted him, needed him, she needed the SGC more. The SGC needed her more. And she knew, though she hated to admit it, that the world was far more important to her than any man’s love, no matter how much she would sacrifice for him. He was off-limits.

But that didn’t make anything any easier.

He had kissed her. The other her. Which, granted, was understandable. He was confused, anxious and only trying to make her feel better. She had just lost her husband, after all. Her husband who happened to be him, The other him. But it didn’t stop her feeling awful. Jealous, betrayed and inadequate. She had said that she was the one with the inadequacy complex. But Sam knew that she too, held the same feeling of inadequacy. She couldn’t give him what the other her could have given him. She couldn’t love him like the other Sam loved her Jack. She couldn’t be a woman like the other her was. She knew Jack saw it too. She knew he noticed how much easier it was to be a man with the other Sam. She also knew that that particular train of though made absolutely no sense. But that didn’t make her feel any better. Not at all.

She was glad that they had found their way home. Kawalsky and the other her. They had won. They could begin again. It would be hard for them. The Stargate program would have to become public. They would have to let the other nations of the world into all the negotiations, they would have to sort out international teams, possibly relinquish the military presence in the SGC.

But they would be gone.

She felt terrible about it, but Sam was so glad that they were gone. Of course, she knew that if they hadn’t been able to contact the Asgard, she wouldn’t be pleased at all. She was glad beyond words that they were able to find their way home and stop the Goa’uld invasion. If they hadn’t, then she would have welcomed them into her life with open arms, at least that’s what she knew she would have had to do, but knowing that she had this world all to herself was comforting, As much as she enjoyed the other Sam’s company, as strange as it was, she knew that they would have trouble sharing the same world. They would have continually got in the way of each other. The other Sam would want to do her job, the job that she herself was quite involved in, and while Colonel O’Neill had said it could be useful having two of the around, she was sure that it would end up causing major problems.

Colonel O’Neill himself was a whole other problem all together. What if the other Sam had stayed and not been able to separate herself from him? What if she decided that this Jack was not too different from hers and fell as in love with him as she had with her husband, her own Jack? What if Colonel O’Neill shared her feelings? Yes, even with all the benefits of having someone at her own intellectual level at the base, Sam knew that the one thing she couldn’t share was Colonel O’Neill. A funny concept, really, considering she didn’t actually have him in the first place.

Did he know now? Did the other Sam give away her secret? A small part of Sam hoped so. It would be nice to know that Colonel O’Neill knew how she felt about him, without having to have that awkward conversation that she was dreading might happen someday. Seeing him with the other her, Sam guessed that maybe he felt something for her too. She wished she could ask him, but she knew that it would not be allowed. She was slightly grateful for that. It meant she didn’t have to say anything. It meant that she could continue ignoring how she felt, because, in the end, she wasn’t allowed to feel that way in the first place. So it would be nice for him to know she felt. Just so that he knew.

Maybe he already did.

She wondered if anything would change now. According to Daniel, this was the second alternate reality in which Sam and Jack had bee a couple. Would the higher powers that be launch an inquiry to see if they too were together, breaking the regulations, as they were? They were always trying to bring down the SGC, it wouldn’t surprise her in the slightest if they did. She hoped they wouldn’t. They were completely innocent, after all. Completely and utterly innocent. She couldn’t help but think that it was a shame. She wondered how many more of them there were. How many more realities existed in which Jack was hers, she was his and they were happy. Infinite, undoubtedly. Just not hers.

She hoped somewhere, there was a reality where they were together, both on SG-1, saving the world side by side. That they were perfectly happy in a world somewhere, where the Goa’uld hadn’t taken over the mountain, or the world. She was sure there would be. Infinite realities – infinite possibilities, after all.

The thought gave her some spirit. At least somewhere they were happy, even if it wasn’t in their reality. Sam had a feeling that it was probably a good thing, for now. She didn’t really know the extent for her feelings for him and the last thing she wanted to do was jump the gun before she had all the answers. All she knew was that she had spent almost the last hour pining for him silently in her office, not daring to leave because she was afraid to confront him and to have to have him explain why he kissed a Samantha Carter that wasn’t her. And she knew the conversation wouldn’t exactly make her happy. Jack O’Neill never knew enough of how to handle people’s feelings to make it any less than an uncomfortable experience. She was sure that if it was Daniel, he would make her see, by the end, that it was actually a good thing and that they should all feel great about it. But it wasn’t Daniel who had kissed her. It was Jack.

She supposed in some form of an alternate reality or other, that her and Daniel were together. For the first time since she had practically locked herself in her lab she smiled. What if it had been that reality that met with her own? Daniel would have been so embarrassed he wouldn’t have known what to do with himself. But at least he wouldn’t have kissed her.

Why did it bother her, really? It wasn’t as though he was doing it for his own personal gain. Jack wouldn’t do that, and she knew it. He was doing it for her, giving her closure, security. It was kind of him, really. But the fact that he had kissed her, without kissing her made her very uncomfortable. Had he thought of her when he was kissing her double? How could he not? She was the only Sam that Jack knew. But he hadn’t pulled away. The thought sent an irrational tingle up her arm and she held it self-consciously. So there was something there, she mused.

She sighed. No matter how she thought about the situation, she couldn’t come to a point of closure. She knew she would only get that from an encounter with him, and that was something her red eyes and sniffling nose told her would not be happening todayShe shook herself off. Before today, she had thought her feelings a mere crush. Something unimportant that she could put aside, that would eventually be siphoned out of her brain as new information came in. She wished she could go back to thinking that. It would be so much easier. But she could no longer deny that her feelings seemed to be far more intense.

What on earth was she going to do? She had to find a way of suppressing her feelings again. How? Suppressing them in the first place had been natural. But what she felt now felt natural beyond belief. She’d have to do something.

She jumped as her phone rang. She hesitated picking it up. What if it was him?

“Carter,” she said, after a burst of bravery.

“Hey Sam, it’s me.” She sighed in relief. It was Daniel.

“Hey Daniel, where are you?”

“In my office,” he answered. “I thought you might want to be left alone…you know…after…” he trailed off. Sam smiled at his awkward consideration.

“Just running some simulations,” she lied. “What’s up, Daniel?” she asked, injecting some energy into her voice. Even if he could guess how destroyed she was, there was no reason in confirming his suspicions.

“I was wondering if you want to get out of here. Grab a bite to eat or something.”

“I don’t know, Daniel,” she said. Leaving meant stepping outside her lab. Which inevitably meant seeing him.

“Well, I just thought that seeing as Teal’c is watching a Star Wars marathon and Jack…just went to the bathroom…”

“I’m not hiding from him, Daniel,” she said sternly, but she was fairly sure that her assurances were pointless. Daniel knew her too well.

“I know,” he said, hurriedly. “I’m not saying you were. I just thought…”

“Thanks Daniel,” she said. “But I think I’ll stay…”

“Meet me at the elevator. We’re going dancing,” he interrupted and Sam smiled. She hung up and went to meet him. Confrontations would have to wait. She could get her closure from a night of steak, too much wine and watching Daniel drink himself into a hilarious stupor.

fin