Note: This story was inspired by the prompt -- "Snape's first and last kiss" on Livejournal. It follows Snape from the age of 15 to his death, in ten parts. It will include both Lily/Snape and Lupin/Snape. I hope you enjoy and constructive criticism is always welcome. The quotes at the beginning of each part is taken from "Creep" by Radiohead. A great thanks to my beta, Marauderswolf!

---

When you were here before,

Couldn't look you in the eye

You're just like an angel,

Your skin makes me cry

1998

Pacing allowed him to clear his mind, an endless motion of his legs and a chill of the stone floor against his bare feet, numbing his heels and awakening the nerves in his toes. He still smelled Lupin on himself -- in his hair and on his chest, a scent sweeter than he would have imagined. The man's face fighting for attention just behind Snape's closed eyelids, just beyond the reality of now.

The bed had a look of recent use, sheets twisted together and hanging over the sides, wrinkled from the bodies that had laid between them. The faint outline of a head still pressed into one of the pillows, and Snape imagined he could see graying brown strands of hair against the white material. He imagined but knew it was not reality. The man had a child now -- a child. It disgusted Snape to think of Lupin going back to his wife, to their child -- happy and accepted.

But the end was near, Snape could feel it in his stomach, the way the Dark Lord anxiously stalked through the empty halls of the Malfoy Manor. It was all clicking -- Dumbledore's words and the desperate feel in the air, darkness everywhere. He knew his time was limited, knew that he needed to find Potter and tell him what he must do.

Snape stopped abruptly, staring down at what appeared to be a wadded up piece of parchment. He bent to retrieve it from the floor, the muscles in his thighs sore and aching, his unbuttoned trousers falling further down his slight hips. He sat on the edge of his bed and tried to smooth down the crinkled photograph, staring with clouded eyes at a seventeen-year-old Lupin, a shy expression on his face and his head tilted downward, fingers clutching at his open shirt as his eyes searched Snape's face with appraisal.

Lips parted in astonishment, Snape lost himself in thought, remembering emotions and a series of scenes, all swarming inside his mind, the sensation of being seventeen again edging through his consciousness. He felt his chest tighten in that peculiar way -- almost painful as his throat worked to swallow down a bitter taste in his mouth. Pressure built up around his eyes, something like tears blurring his vision and he stood once more, trying to deter the unwelcome regret from his mind.

He walked over to his desk and shifted through broken quills and old parchment for another photograph that meant much more to him, his fingers unsteady as the seconds passed without any findings. Panic surged inside him, until finally, his gaze fell upon the bright and smiling face of Lily. Her eyes were alight with laughter, messy but still perfect hair falling around her face in thick, red strands.

Snape felt a powerful protectiveness wash over him as his eyes greedily took in the sight of her, so perfect in her purity. She was everything he had ever wanted -- everything that was ever taken from him. He was long past crying whenever he looked at her face, but he could never destroy the complete guilt that sliced him on the inside, a vicious self-hatred that no one, not even Lupin, could extinguish. He was a monster, plain and simple, nothing but a long line of victims strewn across his life.

Placing both photographs on his desk, he stared at their faces, memories from when they were kids seeping into his brain, crushing his chest. The thought of going back in time and changing everything formed against his better judgment, as a searing pain erupted in his left arm. Hissing through his teeth, he realized suddenly that someone must have summoned the Dark Lord, which meant only one thing --

Potter.

He dressed quickly, picking up his shirt and discarded robes from the floor, buttoning mechanically, fingers diligent and steady. Placing his wand inside his cloak, he paused, a hand hovering over the photographs. Breathing in deeply, he tucked both into his breast pocket, near his beating heart, a sense of self-pity erupting inside him.

Before leaving the room, Snape fixed his wrinkled collar and patted down the front of his robes. He needed to find McGonagall and see what the hell was happening.

---

1975

Rays from the sun beamed off the asphalt, reflecting against Snape's reddened cheeks and burning his skin. Beads of sweat formed against his forehead and under his arms, staining his tight shirt and creating a musky scent that clung to his hair. He breathed in through his mouth as he walked down a neighborhood street, the smell of his own breath hitting the back of his throat and forcing him to swallow thickly. He felt the awkward deficiency of adolescence, long limbs and newly formed muscles, deep pimples carved into the side of his jaw and chin, red and painful.

He was a stranger in his own body, the mechanical working of such things as hands and feet unable to keep up with the aggressive messages his mind was sending, images of flesh and heated whispers swirling just behind his closed eyes.

He entered another, more busy street with automobiles riding past and pedestrians steadily walking to their destinations, his eyes focusing on a small playground and a teenage girl sitting on one of the swings, her pale legs stretched out in front of her. The girl looked up and spotted him, waving with a hand for him to join her. He crossed the street without looking both ways, his feet sinking into the soft grass once he stepped into the playground, coming up to stand next to her.

Smirking down at her with his arms crossed over his chest, he said, "How did I know you were going to be here, Lily?"

She looked up at him and rolled her eyes, a hand shielding her face from the sun. "Because this is where we always meet, Severus."

"Don't you think we're getting a bit old for swings?"

He stared at her as an expression of annoyance formed across her features, her sandals creating small circles on the ground, her toes small and pale in the sunlight. Dark freckles had appeared across her nose and forehead, the days spent outside finally marking her. She slumped forward in the swing, her hands clutching at the metal chains and her summertime blouse too small for her breasts. Snape could see the outline of her bra through her shirt and he looked away, feeling slightly guilty.

Closing her eyes, Lily leaned back and tilted her face to the sun, her chest falling up and down rhythmically. After a moment, she opened her eyes again and licked her lips, looking up at Snape with an odd expression on her face.

"It's really hot. Can we go to your house?"

Snape thought for a second, mentally going over his father's work schedule.

"Yeah, it's just my mum at home right now."

Lily nodded, her eyes a bit too understanding. Standing to stretch, she stopped abruptly and stared at a group of boys walking by, an air of rowdy delinquency surrounding them. Snape glared as one of the boys stopped and smirked at Lily, his hand coming up to grab his crotch. She blushed and mouthed fuck you to him, turning her head away.

A consuming anger tinged with jealousy shot through Snape, and he looked at Lily, expecting some sort of explanation.

"Do you know him?" he asked, his voice bitter and full of reproach.

"Not really," she answered after a moment, not looking at Snape. "He lives on my street."

The jealousy inside Snape flared and he clenched his jaw tightly, fighting down the urge to ask more questions.

"Should we go?" she asked, ignoring the sour look on his face. He nodded and followed her out of the playground.

---

The house was hot and suffocating, the smell of last night's dinner permeating through the living room. His mother lay on the couch, an old metal fan facing her, blowing warm air torward her face and freeing black strands of hair from her knotted bun. She was asleep, the television volume on low, a game show playing wordlessly.

Snape crept forward silently and switched off the television, turning to Lily with an apologetic look on his face. He waved for her to follow him, and she stared down at his mother before doing so, her steps soft on the worn carpeting.

"Does your Mum have any lotion?" she asked Snape once they had climbed the stairs, her fingers touching the deep red marks on her cheeks. "I think I may have a sunburn."

He shrugged. "I dunno. Do you want me to look for some?"

She nodded, sweat now appearing along her hairline. "I thought it would be cooler in your house."

Snape ignored her as they walked into his parents' bedroom, flinging open the closed draperies and allowing the sunlight to stream in. The beams of light highlighted the dusty tables and floor, and the small, almost invisible dirt particles floating in the air. He was self-conscious of the mess as they began to search through the drawers of the tables, even though Lily had seen his house countless times before.

There was something different about this summer -- a certain awkwardness that made him feel like an invisible wall blocked him from being close to her. Their relationship was changing as they grew older -- the differences between Lily as a girl and Snape as a boy evident by the way they reacted to each other. It was strange when Snape found himself drawn to Lily's chest or thighs, instead of her face and those eyes. A desire to be close to her physically overwhelmed his friendly thoughts towards Lily, a controlling and unpredictable force that made his palms sweat and his head swarm.

Inclining his head, Snape shifted through the cluttered drawers, fingers pushing past old shirts and mismatched socks, sometimes pulling out half-empty bottles of perfume or deodorant. He opened another drawer and discovered his mother's undergarments, shuddered and then closed it again without looking at the contents.

He paused, staring at Lily from the side, his eyes tilted downward. "Do you like that Mudblood?" His mind flashed back to the boy on the playground.

Lily looked at him, her face etched with anger. "You never know when to drop things, do you?"

Snape gritted his teeth, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at her with an unwavering gaze. "Do you?"

"No, I don't," she answered in a quiet voice, her words suddenly soft. She paused. "You know I don't like it when you call people that."

Pain appeared in her expression and Snape felt a strange guilt form inside his chest. "He's just a Muggle -- I didn't call you that."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Why don't you, Severus? I'm just like that boy!"

"No, you're not!" Snape began but fell silent before he could finish. Tears had formed in Lily's eyes.

The guilt thickened into a painful self-hatred and he looked down at his hands, cheeks burning and his thoughts struggling to form words that could make the situation better. An uncomfortable silence fell between them, and Snape swore he could feel Lily's anger and pain radiating from her body.

After a moment, Lily continued the search through the drawers, eyes concentrating on her hands instead of meeting Snape's apologetic gaze. She stopped suddenly, staring down at the drawer she had been looking through.

"What is it?" Snape asked, stepping closer to see. He also stilled as his eyes fell upon the cover of a glossy magazine, a naked woman smiling up at them as she cupped her breasts between her hands. His mouth became dry and a deep blush formed across his cheeks.

Her fingers trembled slightly as Lily lifted the magazine from the drawer, staring at the woman with a disconcerting expression. She looked at Snape then, her eyes mischievous as she sat down on the floor, waiting for him to follow her. He lowered himself to his knees and bent over to get a better look. She began to flip through the pages and his face deepened into an even darker hue, graphic images of naked women and their private parts spread out in front of them, colored and unmoving.

His breath hitched when they came across a picture of a redheaded woman, her legs spread wide and her fingers stuck deep inside herself, her pink nipples pointed and her expression ecstatic. Snape sat back on his heels, afraid that Lily would notice his reaction, his throat tightening and his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He suddenly imagined Lily like that, splayed out before him and naked, her green eyes darkened and chest heaving. He swallowed thickly and crossed his arms over his crotch.

She shook her leg in a thoughtless beat, clutching at the magazine with tight fingers and her eyes wide. He couldn't help but stare at her flushed cheeks. She gasped softly and Snape leaned over to see what had caused her reaction, his eyes darting to the hole in the page where the woman's cunt was suppose to be. His stomach dropped and he felt as if he was going to vomit.

"Why are there holes in these pages?" Lily asked, her voice rough.

Snape swallowed before answering. "I think my father did it -- he must use them for --"

Realization formed across her features and she dropped the magazine. "Ugh! That's disgusting!"

Snape shrugged as he ran his fingertips over the page. His mind flashed back to that woman, with her pale legs and glossy eyes, caught in such a passionate moment. The patch of hair above her cunt had been a dark red, and Snape wondered if it was the same for Lily. He glanced over at Lily and found that she was staring down at the page again, her breathing shallow.

A few seconds passed until she shoved the magazine away and stood up. "I need to use the loo." Her voice was high as she quickly walked out of the room.

He took the chance to rub himself through his jeans, trying unsuccessfully to release some of the pressure that was building up inside his body. He massaged and pushed, his breath coming in short huffs and his hair itching the side of his face. Twisting his eyes close, his head felt as if it would explode, his heart pounding in his ears and veins. His mind was a jumble of images -- unable to imagine Lily fully exposed, he saw flashes of pale thighs and stomachs, of round breasts and fleshy legs.

"Severus."

The voice was soft, almost timid and Snape went numb from the shock. His stomach clenched painfully, his hand going slack against his thigh and harsh embarrassment surging inside him.

Through his panting, he heard light footsteps on the carpet. Lily slouched down next to him and stilled -- Snape took a deep breath, cracking his eyes open to stare into her face. Her expression was soft as she gently placed her hand over Snape's, cupping them together for a moment. Searching his face, she slowly brought their hands up to rest against her breast, and Snape felt the rapid beating of her heart under his fingers. He sucked in air quickly, his mind becoming numb, his mouth parched.

Snape had no idea what to do and he was cemented to the ground as Lily leaned in, her lips slightly parted and the intense gaze of her eyes shinning through long lashes. Soft lips tentatively touched his and he felt his insides liquefy with the heat of her breath against his cheek and the rise and fall of her chest. It was a moment of hesitation and indecisive movements -- Snape wanted to find her tongue with his but couldn't manage the courage, his heart pounding in his ears and the world swirling around him.

Laughing, Lily broke away and rested her head against his shoulder, chest heaving with dry giggles. She sighed and looked up at him.

"That was something, wasn't it? Your father is downright scum."

Twisting away from her, Snape didn't say anything -- doubt and confusion blinding his thinking. He felt angry and used, knowing that Lily hadn't reacted to the kiss the way he did. She thought it was a joke -- an experiment, nothing that was important and soon forgotten with all their other childhood memories.

---

He wasn't surprised when the Prefect badge came in the mail, but it was strange to sit across from Lupin and Lily after their first meeting, the train rocking back and forth, empty and lifeless fields running pass.

Lily had a gleeful excitement about her as she looked to Snape and Lupin, eyes searching and expression pondering. She cleared her throat and began to speak, but stopped -- her mouth falling close.

Lupin spoke first. "So, potion partners, eh?" He glanced at Snape with a small smile on his face.

Unresponsive, Snape just stared back at Lupin, knowing his eyes had a dead and black look to them. Lupin shrugged and leaned back into his seat, turning his head to the window.

Lily seemed aggravated. "We should form a study group -- with OWLs coming up. No one else I rather study with." She bit her bottom lip and looked to Snape, hope evident across her features.

Snape shrugged. "I suppose."

"Yeah," Lupin piped in, "especially now that we will be partners." He motioned between Snape and himself with a hand.

Rolling his eyes, Snape felt angry and disappointed that he wouldn't be Lily's partner anymore. It had been the only time they were able to spend together during school.

"Better get to our rounds," Lupin said, standing up and staring down at his watch. He waited until Snape stood up to walk out of the compartment, his eyes fleetingly focused on Snape's face before he disappeared through the door.

Lily turned to him, angry red blotches on her cheeks. "You could try being nicer to him!"

Snape shrugged again, not looking at her and scowling. "Where do you want to meet after rounds?"

Eyes blazing, Lily laughed and her voice was harsh. "I'm not going to sit with you! I'll sit with my other friends!"

Snape glared at her back as he cursed Lupin under his breath. Other people always fucked things up when it came to Lily.