|Parody of Symphonia
Author: UnluckyAmulet PM
A parody of TOS, including Lloyd's evershrinking attention span, Colette's blondeness, Raine's ruinmania, Genis's bratitude, Sheena's cleavage, and...yeah, you get the idea. Plotbunnies, loopholes galore!Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody - Chapters: 32 - Words: 98,281 - Reviews: 87 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 33 - Updated: 12-12-12 - Published: 08-27-07 - id: 3750836
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Hi everyone! Oh dear, a couple of months seem to have slipped past before this update. But I;ve been so BUSY. I hate May. I have essays coming out of my EARS. Also, on Saturday, I had a Prom and got very drunk. But anyway, here is the chapter! (And Hikaru Yamamoto did the title thing, so you get a special prize! ...Well, okay, it;s not that special, but whatever, it's a thank you!)
So, the group had to pointlessly go to the Ice Temple/Cave to go kill penguins, which isn't really a particularly heroic thing to do. Just sayin'. Oh, and it seemed as though there were, like...people inside the penguin costumes. Or maybe they're like cats. I don't know, Katz confuse the hell out of me, frankly, so whether or not they were people is irrelevant. It's not like the group haven't murdered a truckload of Desians by now anyway.
"Ohhh, you brought me some Penguinist gloves!" trilled the old man, who would serve this one purpose in the story and then promptly be forgotten again. "Okay, just give me a little while..."
Mysteriously, there were inexplicably some hammering noises that followed this, despite the fact that he was...well, making quills into gloves. Why on earth would he need to hammer anything to do that? I mean, it's fabric and pointy spiney things.
"You know, we probably could have just bribed a penguinist-thing to go get the Celsius' tear for us..." Lloyd mused.
"With what?" demanded Genis. "I mean, what would they...you know, want?"
"Gald? Fish? Bags and bags of cocaine?" mused Zelos, shrugging.
Once the one-use gloves had been made (and apparently, the old man just made them for nothing. I mean, not that I'm complaining about getting them for free, but wouldn't he have had to make eight pairs of them? Who does that for free? If a bunch of heavily-armed, weirdly-dressed strangers barged into your house, threw quills at you and demanded you make them gloves, wouldn't you be a little wary? At all?) They were off to the ice caves!
"This feels like déjà vu..." complained Genis, who hadn't completely repressed the memory of the CONSTANT back-tracking the group had had to do back in ol' Sylvarant.
"Oh look!" squealed Colette, clapping. "A Sorcerer's Ring!"
"Were you expecting anything different at this point?" remarked Raine, dryly.
Upon poking the pedestal, the Sorcerer's Ring gained the power to freeze stuff!
"The fuck is this?" demanded Lloyd, staring at his knuckle.
"I suppose it's reacted to the temperature..." said Regal.
"Yeah, but...if the ring just freezes anything anyway, why the hell did we need that Celsius' Tear?" questioned Genis.
"Because exploiting people is fun!" yelled Lloyd.
...Yeah, that's just...I mean, okay, so some random man demands that the party go get a flower/go get quills/go get gloves, which is apparently going to benefit them by helping them get through the dungeon. But there's already one way of freezing shit and a hell of a lot easier to get to, plus, if you're inside an ICE CAVE, why should it be necessary to freeze anything anyway?
"Come to think of it, couldn't Genis just use one of his ice spells to freeze whatever's blocking the path?" added Sheena, blinking.
"Motherfuckin' Plothole 24!" yelled Plothole girl. She was wearing a white T-shirt that said 'Hikaru Yamamoto RAWKS!' Then she shivered. "Damn, it's freezing in here!"
"I'll say!" agreed Lloyd.
"NIPPLES!" shouted Zelos, staring.
"Oh, you're right!" Lloyd said, blushing as he glanced down.
"Not you!" yelled Zelos.
Sheena punched Zelos, Raine slapped Lloyd and Plothole Girl rolled her eyes disappeared. And all was well again in the universe.
After more casual beatings (and several people trying to furtively rub their chests to warm them up), the group eventually blundered into a Celsius' Tear. I say blundered, because why did Namco decide to make it white? Whose brainwave was that?
"Pretty flower!" sang Colette, smiling like a four-year-old confronted with baby animals.
"Sweet! We found the Celsius' Tear!" cheered Lloyd.
"Yeah, that was totally worth my balls turning to ice." complained Genis, teeth chattering.
Off everyone went again, freezing random places that dripped water to make blocks to push around in random sequences until it magically opened up the pathway that they needed to get to. Until they got to THAT FUCKING ICE PATH. Seriously, whose idea was it to start making ice paths? Nobody likes them, they take ages to figure out, and they're just plain annoying. So, after a VERY LONG TIME, they managed to get across, and for some reason the ice didn't crack under the combined weight of eight people. There was an inscription on the wall.
"The door can be opened from the place with a view." read Presea, because she hasn't had any lines in this chapter yet.
"A place with a view?" repeated Lloyd.
"Yeah, that's not vague, at all." complained Genis. Zelos smirked.
"Anywhere you can see up or down a girl's clothes!"
"You have got to be freaking KIDDING me!" shouted Sheena, after stamping on Zelos. "We have to go all the way back over the ice, just to find this stupid 'place with a view', and then come back here?"
"Screw that!" agreed Lloyd. "Let's just move the statues around randomly until they open!"
And so they did just that. It was surprisingly easy.
Once they got into the spirit room, a bunch of icicles appeared everywhere. It looked exactly the same as when a lot of stalagmites popped out of the ground in the Earth Temple, but never mind that now.
"You who possess the right of the pact! I am Celsiuss, one who is bound to Mithoss, the hottie!" shouted a disembodied voice, presumably from inside the altar.
"I'm Sheena! I seek a pact with Celsius!" yelled Sheena.
"You wish to challenge me?" demanded the voice, which was a silly question. "How amusing. Let's see if you can handle me!"
"I said HANDLE, not fondle!" added the voice, as if reading his mind.
And then the battle commenced. For some reason, Celsius was allowed to have her doggie with her, even though she was already basically a chick version of Regal, what with her blue hair and insane kicking skills. Lloyd got annoyed of this nonsense pretty quickly.
"What the fuck? How do we fight this bitch?" yelled Lloyd, getting clawed and kicked about a lot.
"I don't know, use a leash?" suggested Sheena.
"I meant her!"
"HOW DARE YOU! SWALLOW DANCE!" yelled Celsius, giving Lloyd a good one in the stomach.
"Tee-hee! Swallow!" giggled Zelos, because he is a very mature individual.
"Zelos! Concentrate!" growled Sheena, irritated. Like a rash.
Anyway, eventually the bitch and her dog were defeated. Celsius was almost as bad a loser as Gnome.
"Excellent." she said, stiffly. "It would appear my freezing chill is but a summer's breeze to you. Now swear your vow! A vow worthy of MY power!"
"I'll give you 5, 000 gald if you say 'For the sake of making nipples pointy!'" Zelos whispered. Sheena ignored him, although this time she refrained from hitting him, because it admittedly would have been incredibly funny if she had said that.
"I vow to save the two worlds. Gimme your power!"
Just then, Efreet popped up, because it is absolutely necessary that he does.
"Celsius...it has been a long time." commented Efreet, redundantly.
"I never thought I'd have to see your face again." sneered Celsius.
"While we may be opposing forces, sheesh, do you have to be such a bitch?" complained Efreet.
"What choice do we have? We're harmful to one another!" she cried.
"Wow, sexual tension, much?" coughed Zelos, which went unnoticed.
"Well, perhaps we should be joyous our mana has been severed." replied Efreet.
...Does anybody else think this sounds like a divorce?
"Who knows. Anyway, we leave everything to the pactmaker." shrugged Celsius.
"Indeed. We leave everything in your hands." added Efreet.
So, you know, no pressure there, Sheena.
Eventually, Celsius and Efreet stopped having their passive-aggressive soap-opera conversation long enough for Efreet to disappear and for Celsius to turn into a shiny ball like a good summon spirit.
"Just one more to go!" announced Lloyd, proud because he'd remembered.
"I suggest we do some research before we make a pact with the final summon spirit." Announced Raine. "Since we basically jumped into this with absolutely no consideration for the consequences, and checking them out now might be our last chance to backtrack."
Then there was an earthquake.
"It appears as though the time between the shakings has decreased. They also have increased in magnitude." Chipped in Regal, phrasing everything in the most boring way possible.
"Looks like the worlds don't want to split apart." Lloyd said.
WOW GUYS, YOU'VE REALLY THOUGHT THIS THROUGH CAREFULLY, HAVEN'T YOU?
"Ohh, Celsius! My cool beauty! Oh, Undine, you hawt mermaid thing!" moaned Zelos.
"Okay, okay, don't wet your pants Zelos, jeez."
Outside, there was a massive-ass thundercloud hovering over Ozette, which was looking considerably more charred than usual.
"That's...the direction of Ozette." Presea noted, blankly. Duh.
"Yes." added Regal. Double duh.
"Good contribution there, Gramps."
"There's a staggering amount of mana coming from there!" proclaimed Genis.
Okay, why is it that only Genis ever comments on there being a lot of mana, despite the fact it's generally assumed everyone else can sense it too? I mean, when was he assigned the job of screeching whenever there's lots of mana anywhere? Does anybody care?
"Hm, guess that's another cosmic clue of where to go next." mused Zelos.
"What did you say?" asked Genis.
"Nothing." shrugged Zelos. "I was, uh, talking to myself."
"Zelos is nuts!" giggled Lloyd.
"And you're retarded." replied Zelos, lightly. "Guess which one of us is getting laid?"
Obviously, after a huge, dangerous-looking cloud has just attacked somewhere, the first thing you should do is totally check it out. Ozette was all flame-y. Why Genis didn't cast Spread or Sheena summon Undine or something went unexplained. I mean, Ozette's in the middle of a forest. And...fire burns things. Safety hazard much.
"Plothole 25-! Oh." said Plothole girl, awkwardly, seeing all the devastation.
"This is...horrible." announced Presea, still managing to sound pretty deadpan about the whole thing.
"What happened here?" Lloyd asked, to nobody in particular.
"Um, there was a fire, maybe?" suggested Plothole Girl, shaking her head. "Bye!"
"Look!" gasped Colette, pointing.
Some child was just lying in the middle of the wreckage, clothes looking like they had been neatly pressed and ironed. And nobody moved to help him whatsoever, instead just waiting around for Lloyd to do it.
"We have to get out of here!" he cried.
..."Getting out of here" meant "Let's go stand outside Presea's house of death instead of going to a doctor or something." The person Lloyd single-handedly rescued looked almost EXACTLY like Colette, only maybe a few years older and with the colours changed around a bit. The fact that nobody noticed this was totally amazing.
"Are you alright?" Genis asked, stupidly.
"Yeah, what in the name of mustard happened here?" asked Lloyd.
"I lived alone on the outskirts of the village-"
"Um, then why were you suddenly in the middle of it?" asked Sheena.
"And we've never seen any houses on the outskirts of Ozette. Since we're the explorers of the world, we would know." added Raine.
They were ignored.
"- when suddenly Angels appeared and started attacking everyone."
"Angels?" repeated Lloyd, dumbly.
"Yes, angels." said Mithos, impatiently. Then added, "Those with wings are Angels...right?"
"Well, actually, they're half-elves that evolved with a special kind of exsphere, but that's not important right now." said Raine.
"So it was Angels who attacked the village..." announced Presea, repeating what everyone else just said five seconds ago, instead of exercising a little thing called MEMORY.
Presea gained the title, "My RAM needs upgrading!"
"Yes, well done, Presea." muttered Sheena, rolling her eyes.
"Presea, are you alright?" asked Regal, stepping forwards. Genis glared at him and tried to elbow in.
"Yes, but, this unsettling irritation...is this anger?" muttered Presea.
"Or you could have a rash!" suggested Colette, cheery. "Or maybe you put your clothes on backwards."
Zelos turned to Mithos.
"I'm IMPRESSED you survived." he commented. "Are you the only survivor? What's your name? ...Are you sure you're not related to Colette?"
"My name is Mithos." replied Mithos. Oops, guess I spoiled that for everyone.
"HEY, are you a half-elf?" Genis blurted out.
"I-I...no!" gasped Mithos, which was the most unconvincing acting I've ever heard. The fact he backed delicately away a couple of steps didn't improve matters.
"Relax. It's blindingly obvious." stated Raine, calmly. "We're also half-elves. In case you couldn't tell from our outlandish hair."
"But you're with humans!" pointed out Mithos, intelligently. "Therefore I conject you're lying!"
"No, we're all friends!" said Colette, giggling. "Friends friends friends! Happy happy joy joy!"
...Okay, so in the game, she doesn't EXACTLY say that, but she might as well.
Colette earned the title, "So saccharine, she gives you diabetes!"
"Yeah, we're all REAL CLOSE." added Zelos, inching towards Sheena, who flipped him off. Genis glanced at Presea and Colette clapped some more.
"It's true. My sister and I provide the majority of the brains in this group." added Genis, as though Colette's little outburst hadn't happened.
"Your reaction is understandable. The people of Ozette were kind of jerks anyway, so a little effeminate slice like you must have suffered." Mentioned Regal.
"What the hell would you know about discrimination?" snapped Genis.
Out of absolutely nowhere, Altessa and Tabitha ran in.
"What happened here?" rumbled Altessa.
"You're Altessa, right?" asked Lloyd, stating the fuckin obvious. "Where the hell were you five minutes ago?"
"Playing with his sex doll, duh." muttered Zelos, eyeballing Tabitha.
"I saw the lightning of judgment fall towards the village. But what in the world..."
"It was the work of Cruxis angels." stated Presea, mechanically.
"Presea! You've regained your true self?" said Altessa, shocked, although how he could tell was amazing. "Is this your punishment for failing the experiment?"
"Punishment?" repeated Sheena. "The whole village were kind of assholes to her, so what are you talking about?"
"NOTHING! IT'S NOTHING!" yelled Altessa, before running out again, equally as randomly as his appearance.
"Wait!" shouted Lloyd, but he was blocked by Tabitha's arm, like how Sheena blocked Kvar that one time. Are people in this game allergic to them or something?
"THE MASTER BELIEVES THAT IT IS HIS FAULT OZETTE WAS DESTROYED." Tabitha said, apparently telepathic.
"Altessa is connected to Ozette?" repeated Colette.
"YES. THAT IS WHAT I BASICALLY JUST SAID. I AM GOING NOW." Tabitha replied, and did just that.
"I'm going to follow him." announced Presea, although she really seemed to be asking Lloyd's permission.
"Yeah, okay." agreed Lloyd. "Hey, guy who looks like Colette, you should come with us. Since you look like a teddy bear could beat you up."
"But...I'm a half-elf." lamented Mithos. My god, why doesn't he just scream "FEEL SORRY FOR ME!", since he's laying on the poor-little-orphan thing pretty thick...
"So?" said Lloyd, chipper. "I'm mentally retarded, Colette's a dumb blonde with hyper attention deficit disorder, Genis is effeminate with a superiority complex and a half, Raine's bipolar with a history fetish, Sheena's a druggie with abandonment issues anybody can see from orbit, Zelos is a narcissistic sex fiend, Presea's a lolicon with the emotional response of a post and Regal is a paedophile with guilt issues. Everyone has problems!"
And everyone stared at Lloyd in complete confusion, because since when has Lloyd been insightful about, well, anything?
"Wow, that definitely makes me want to hang out with you all." commented Mithos, sarcastically.
"Great! Let's go, new, non-retarded best friend!" cheered Genis, latching onto Mithos like some kind of sea-mollusc.
Raine sighed. Loud.
So, everyone piled over to Altessa' house and demanded an explanation. Sort of. Because all gamers like very long periods of unfunny dialogue that doesn't end in a fightscene or a cutscene.
"I was a craftsman for Cruxis." Admitted Altessa, as the group stood around him and munched on popcorn. "And it sucked. So I ran off and hid myself in Ozette, figuring that nobody would miss out a wizard-dwarf. Surprise surprise, I was found out by Rodyle, who ordered me to make a Cruxis Crystal. He apparently wanted to rebel against Cruxis, because that's what evil scientists do."
At this point, Lloyd fell asleep and drooled everywhere. Genis pointed and laughed.
"Anyway, Yggy found out and got mad, so he decided to blow up Ozette, where I was hiding out! I am very sorry, Presea." Altessa went on.
"I...I can't forgive you." Said Presea, staring at the floor. "Because now I'm trapped in the body of a small child and also my daddy is dead, which kinda sucks."
"Oh, okay." Altessa shrugged, then went back inside.
"SORRY ABOUT HIM." Said Tabitha, indifferently, and went back inside as well, because she has to go everywhere were Altessa does.
"I think I can understand Presea's pain a little..." said Mithos, as if anybody was particularly interested. "Some things will never come back, even if people apologise..."
"Not being forgiven...is this a punishment?" mumbled Regal.
"I don't think that's right...I can't really explain it, though." Shrugged Lloyd.
"Wow, you just got corrected by a guy who thinks the sky is crying when it rains." Snorted Zelos to Regal. Then he turned serious. "But anyway, we shouldn't force Presea to do anything she doesn't want to do. We should concentrate on what we can do now, letting Presea's anger and resentment fester beneath the surface."
"Wow, that was almost sensitive." Said Sheena, blinking. Zelos smirked.
"Wanna hook up now?"
"Oh! Oh! I do not hook up! Up! I go slow!" sang Sheena abruptly and very loudly, nearly giving Zelos a heart attack.
"I think we should go interrogate him." Announced Raine, deciding to take charge of the situation. "It seems like he knows a hell of a lot more then he's letting on."
"Like making sex dolls." Chimed in Zelos.
"Cool! Can I be the bad cop?" asked Lloyd.
"No, Lloyd, you couldn't be a cop if you were possessed." Replied Raine. "Leave the intimidation tactics to me."
"Presea, do you want to wait outside? I'll...wait with you." Offered Genis.
"No, I will listen too." Replied Presea, and walked off, because which would you honestly rather do, sit outside in the dirt with an amorous twelve-year-old or go inside and listen to the secrets of the world? Yeah, thought so.
"REJECTED!" shouted Lloyd, cackling.
Anyway, so everyone sat down inside and cracked out the popcorn. Also, despite the fact this seems like pretty secret information, Altessa didn't seem to care about Mithos being there or about the random Gnome in the corner.
"I'll keep this simple." Altessa said, glancing at Lloyd and Colette, since they already looked fidgety. And also because I am lazy. "Basically, Cruxis is run by insane half-elves. They want to revive Martel, and so they keep trying to make Chosen's that Martel can possess."
"But...Zelos is a boy." Genis pointed out, blinking. "What if the goddess had to go in his body?"
"I wouldn't object to that." Grinned Zelos. Mithos looked like he wanted to kill him.
"Also, Rodyle wants to build a mana cannon, because he is a prick and because Namco really, REALLY like subplots. He wants to build his own Empire and intends to do it with the mana cannon and his Elton John sunglasses."
Lloyd and Zelos snickered.
"How can he make people suffer for something like that?" asked Presea to the room at large.
"Eh, because he's evil. Desians are very two-dimensional and apparently don't have much character motivation." Shrugged Altessa. "Blah blah blah, great seed, blah blah blah, Mithos the Hero, blah blah blah, Kharlan War."
"That's a point, why is it everyone in both worlds know about Mithos the Hero?" demanded Genis. "I've been wondering that for a while."
"Apparently it is possible to travel between the two worlds at their poles." Announced Altessa, which really could have been useful about, oh, several days ago.
"Bi-Polar, yes, that's it..." murmured Raine.
"Are you finally admitting it, Professor?" asked Zelos, surprised.
"I have a theory about why Mithos is known in the Two Worlds, because I am capable of thought." Announced Raine. "Supposing that the Great War of Kharlan was actually between Tethe'alla and Sylvarant. And the holy ground of Kharlan is actually the pole connecting the two worlds."
"Yes, I've heard of a theory about some kind of dimensional travel between the poles, but yours works form a logical standpoint." Contributed Regal.
By this point, Colette had nearly gone into a coma from all the brainy-speak flying around.
"I'm tiiiired." Sighed Colette.
"Yeah, all these words are hurting my head." Agreed Lloyd.
"Yes, why don't all nine of you just casually spend the night over here?" agreed Altessa. "I'll even take in the exsphereless blonde hottie over there, since it's just me and Tabitha, my doll, here."
"Whoa, Tabitha is a DOLL?" gasped Lloyd, because this was MUCH more exciting than a crazy guy trying to revive a goddess, half-elf conspiracy theories and Great Seeds.
"WELL THEN. I WILL GO MAKE DINNER, BECAUSE IT SEEMS AN APPROPRIATELY SUBSERVIANT THING TO DO." announced Tabitha, before running off.
Holy hell, Tabitha is basically a stepford wife!
"Anyway, Mithos, I'm so glad to finally have a half-elf best friend!" gushed Genis, which was completely insensitive to any non half-elf in the room. "Let's play!"
"Well, alright, but I should warn you that only I'M allowed the My Little Pony with wings and jewel-eyes."
So everyone slept the night with some fusty old dwarf and his robot doll, and also nobody seemed to find it at all suspicious that Altessa was willing to let Mithos live with him, when he was happy to just basically let Presea turn into a key-crest. Heart of gold, this guy.
In the morning, Lloyd woke up to shouting, "UP!"
"Yeah, I know you like the talking dog in that movie, but sheesh, Colette, don't stand over me and yell like that." Grumbled Lloyd.
"No, the Professor's gone!" announced Colette, then skipped off outside.
"Raine left a note saying she had something she wanted to investigate." Genis proclaimed. "Apparently it was way too important to wait until everyone was AWAKE to do."
"SHORTLY BEFORE DAWN, I SAW A RHEAIRD HEADING SOUTH." Tabitha shouted. "IT WAS GOING TOWARDS ALTAMIRA."
"Sweet! Bunny girls ahoy!" drooled Zelos.
"I want to come too! Raine is also my friend, despite the fact I have known her for precisely one night." Whined Mithos.
"What? Absolutely not!" said Lloyd.
"PLEASE, Lloyd?" begged Genis, despite the fact he had basically replaced him for Mithos.
"Oh, okay." Pouted Lloyd.
"That was...easy." Presea noted.
"Like Zelos." Agreed Sheena.
"Cheer up, bud." Grinned Zelos, shaking back his hair and preparing for action. "If you're lucky, you could lose your virginity, passed out on the beach and wearing rabbit ears in a matter of ours!"
"Let's go to Altamira!" shouted Lloyd.
And off they jolly well did.
Squeeb. Review, everyone, you know the drill!
Till next time! ~