Guard Balls

It had been well over a year.

Well over a year since the incident involving Jensine and the Nine Divines. Well over a year since the funeral of Hemlock, the guard captain, who killed himself via-poisoned food. Well over a year since Bob and Larry had received their armour. Well over a year since Umbacano had begun his search for ancient Ayleid artifacts.

Well over a year since the last chapter update by the great god of the Nine Divines, dukenzeus.

What the fuck had happened?

Other than Dave, John was the only guard who had the balls to actually meet Jensine in person. Of course, as we all know, Imperial Guardsmen don't have balls or genitals of any sort, as they have no souls and come from Oblivion. But in this case, we'll just say that John has balls to imply that he has a rare talent among guards- despite being utterly ordinary- he was brave. His plan was simple- get acquainted with Jensine, find some way to get her naked and copy the tattoo on a piece of paper. This hopefully wouldn't be too difficult, as there was a high likelyhood that the Nord woman would strip for anyone, the skanky ho. Guardsmen John was ready, and he fixed his helmet- a nervous habit he had whenever he was... well, nervous.

Ironically, John was the last person who Larry and Bob would have assigned for the mission- but of course, John had assigned himself to the mission- what with Larry and Bob being so busy with their new guard duties and forgetting about the Nine Divines after a year of story inactivity. John had remembered, because anything that had to do with horny girls, beer and loud classical music was his forte. He couldn't simply let Jensine be. It took him an entire year or so to come up with the bravery enough to go to her and talk, as despite being so perverted, he was a shy man. Walking into the lair of Jensine, he couldn't help but notice her cheap stock. Four septims for five spring rolls. Twenty-five bottles of wine for twenty four septims, half a septim for a night with Jensine... wait, was that an advertisement for prostitution? That was illegal in Cyrodiil! Bros before hoes! John would surely have to ticket her for such- and at such a cheap price, too!

"Can I," snorted a voice behind him, which paused only for a second for the speaker to scratch her ass, "Help you, kind sir?"

John turned around and- she was beautiful! Well, more like handsome, but John would take anything he could get. For a Nord she was very attractive- brown, shoulder length hair, with a honkin' red nose and curled, smelly feet. The giant parts of her were definitely shining bright. But the Nord parts- god damn! John felt a clank against his armour as he sat down suddenly, grabbing a book from the shelves.

"Oh, I'm just very interested in this here- uh... book!"

John proceeded to be a gentleman and beat himself silly underneath the book, which was now on his lap. He was shaking the table and knocking over pots, one hitting the floor and rolling away. His eyes rolled behind his head as his tongue rolled out and, perfectly in sync with the "big finish", the bell of the White-Gold Tower bonged. It had bonged right when his dong had bonged, incidentally.

Right then and there, John got up, kicking his legs around. He would have let loose even more were he not undercover. He closed the book (which was now ruined, as you might guess) and turned the book around the see the cover.

"The Tome of Akatosh", or the Cyrodiilian equivalent of the Bible.

John instantly froze, looking out the window, tears in his eyes... expecting the great permanent banhammer.

"Hey, that's okay..." Jensine snickered and snorted, "Besides, I think your damn hot."

John blushed, laughing slightly. "Well, thank you..."

Jensine began to move in on him, snaking her body like some kind of retarded troll. "So, you gonna' buy that book... or am I gonna have to read it again and again and," she threw back her head, wrapping her arms around him, "AGAIN!"

The guard known as John (I couldn't start another sentence with John again, could I?) gyrated with her, moving back and forth in a sexual dance, which of course looked like two retarded trolls trying to shine shoes. Jensine purred (roared) as she threw back her head again, then wrapping around John, reaching around his waist and touching his legs. John was wearing armour, so he didn't notice when she stole his sword and put it on the back table. Or his shield. Or his helmet.

"...I know why you're here, John."

John gasped, throwing himself back onto the table. She knew? Good lord, she'd known all along!

"So, my sweet," John attempted to sweet talk her, "when are you going to show me that tattoo of yours?"

Jensine giggled, shrugging her head from side to side and jumping up and down like some kind of giddy school girl. At least she was large-chested, at least there was something to become of this... jumping. John stared perversely at her, but the "clang" wouldn't come. She then took off her shirt- oh wait, realized John, those were just her double chins, covered with hairy warts. Gross, those warts looked scarily like nipples. Really gross, infact.

"Right when you do me... one...itty bitty... favour," She smiled, her huge cheeks like chipmunks and her black eyes like tiny black holes, which would suck one of their life when stared into, "I've got a little situation on my hands (which were bulging with fat), involving one of your superiors... Audens Avians ring a bell?"

John nodded. Audens Avians was a mean, cruel guard captain, bat-shit crazy and full of lies. He was unmatched in swordfighting and marksmen, and when it came to Destruction Magicka, he beat even Hemlock. It wouldn't be easy, defeating this menace. But he'd have to, if he were to see Jensine's Nine Divines and unlock its dark and smelly secrets.

"You need him dead?" asked John.

Jensine giggled. "You've got it," she began to tongue talk, "and when you're done, then and only then will I show you my sexy body..." Her tongue flickered something mad.

"Er, right," said John confusedly, "I only need to see your ass though, m'lady."

Jensine nodded, waving to him as he left. Giggling like mad, but this time not out of "lust", she cradled the sword, shield and helmet and stalked further back into the store.

But then, someone walked in. Tall and mysterious, he was wearing a purple hood with Imperial Dragon Armour. Beneath the hood was all black, but whenever he breathed, cold air came blasting out of his barely visible mouth. His gloves were covered in small barbs, his sword slung onto his side and a strange staff swung over his back. Most importantly, he was laughing madly, like some kind of freak.

Jensine snorted again, expecting to get a sword and a staff. She wrapped around him. "Mmm...hello..."

The man put a hand up, as if trying to stop her from coming any closer.

"Mmm... so, is that a dagger in your pocket or are you just happy to-"

With a sound like gears spinning, whistles blowing and the wind rumbling, a knife shot out of his gauntlet, slamming into the wall behind Jensine, barely missing her.

"What? By the Nine Divines! Assault! Assault!"

She pulled out a dagger, and, hauling her ugly body over to her new foe, she joined him in combat, just like they used to do in Bruma. Of course, she did it a little less gracefully, but hey, who's complaining?

Author's Note: First Chapter in Over a Year! Hope to get this up and running again, if people still like it!