|The Strangest Story You Will EVER Read!
Author: x0x Maddie x0x PM
Grey's Anatomy Mediator crossover. Mostly just random hopefully hilarious ideas my friend mcobsessed and I had in our heads at the time we wrote this...Review please! Rated T for mild swearing...Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 5,013 - Published: 09-02-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3764321
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: This is a cowrite w/ my bestest friend mcobsessed. It's also posted on her profile just fyi, so if u see another story w/ the same name, that's why. Anyway, I'm not sure I can really explain what was going through our heads as we were writing this...It's basically just random stuff that we thought was funny. Hopefully you will too. Grey's/Mediator crossover.
Disclaimer: We don't own Grey's Anatomy or Mediator or Snow Patrol, though we wish we did.
Meredith Grey-Shepherd and Derek Shepherd walked out of the airport terminal after the long twelve-hour flight from Seattle to Antarctica. Meredith tripped over something large and crashed to the floor. She got up and stared at the man lying in the middle of the hallway. He was wearing an over-sized, dirty trench-coat and had a mangy beard. Derek gave her a strange look as he continued down the hall, shaking his head at his wife's clumsiness. He didn't even seem to find the man strange, just lying there, but then again, doctors saw a lot of bizarre things.
"Random hobo," Meredith muttered as she got up. The man snorted in his sleep as if he'd heard her, making Meredith jump. She ran away from him, scared that he'd come at her with a dead fish that he had kept secretly in that over-sized smelly coat for over a year. It did smell a little fishy…She looked over her shoulder as she ran and was relieved to see that the man was not, in fact, coming after her with a smelly old fish raised over his head. After getting over her fear of the hobo coming after her and hitting her over the head with the dead fish, she looked around, wondering where her stupid husband was. She'd make him pay for leaving her with that smelly thing…and the fish too.
Finally, she spotted Derek looking around the airport, surprised at how big it was. Ever since scientists had found a way to live on the icy continent, people had been flocking there. Derek turned to see polar bears staring at them through the windows. He shook his head in disbelief and turned to find that Meredith was already halfway down the hall. She had rushed past him as he took in the sight of the airport, annoyed that he hadn't even helped her up. Plus, her fear of the hobo had given her extra speed. Derek had to jog to keep up with her brisk pace. When he finally caught up with her, she turned around and rolled her eyes at him.
"I can't believe you choose Antarctica of all places. I mean seriously! Even Mark has better sense than to go to Antarctica in the dead of WINTER!" Meredith shouted, knowing that Derek would be annoyed at being compared to Mark. "I mean Cristina told me to cancel the trip, but nooooo I had to give up a week of surgery time for you to fish and for me to freeze my ass off. Yeah, this is a wonderful idea!"
Derek only sighed—knowing that a remark would only encourage her mood—as they went over to baggage claim, hoping to grab their luggage quickly and leave. He was trying to avoid all the eyes that were staring at them since Meredith had just annoyed not only him and the sleeping man on the floor, but also the people around them with her loud voice. Plus, their jeans and T-shirts stood out like a sore thumb among all the fluffy winter coats. For some reason, they hadn't had enough sense to bring heavy winter coats. It was after all Antarctica. Finally the baggage carousel began, and Derek hoped their bags would be the first ones off. He searched frantically, trying to avoid the still-staring crowd.
"Great, ours will be the last ones off," Meredith muttered as Derek continued his search. Suddenly, there was a loud cry, and Meredith and Derek whipped their heads around to see what had happened. Their eyes landed on a brown-haired girl who was lying on top of the carousel, heading for the dark and unknown place where they kept the luggage. They shook their heads, not wanting to know why the hell she was riding the carousel, especially since she looked about twenty, and way to old to be hopping on random baggage carousels and riding them. After walking a few yards—away from the crazy girl riding the carousel, of course—Derek turned his attention to a very annoyed Meredith.
"If you didn't want to come you could have said so," he grumbled as he finally spotted their bags. They were all the way at the beginning of the carousel. Meredith and Derek were standing near the end after having moved away from the strange girl. It took a minute for the bags to reach them. Fortunately, they reached them before the girl riding the conveyer belt did. Derek quickly grabbed them and hoisted them over his shoulder, grunting slightly at the effort. "Did you really have to pack ALL of your shoes?" he complained. Meredith just glared at him.
As they tried to push through all the people, they accidentally bumped into someone and all the bags tumbled to the floor with a loud crash.
"Great," Meredith muttered as she bent down to help Derek pick up their bags. Derek shot her a look that obviously said Be nice. After the bags were returned to their rightful owners, Meredith and Derek stood up to meet the faces of the young couple they'd run into.
"I'm sorry," Derek said sincerely. "We weren't paying attention to where we were going."
The young man shook his head, and his over-long dark hair fell in front of his face. Meredith looked up at him as he pushed it away, revealing a long white scar through one eyebrow.
"No," the man said. "It was our fault. We're new here, and we're just trying to get to our hotel."
Derek laughed at the coincidence.
"We're trying to do the same. We're from Seattle and I saw that this was a great place to ice fish. I love to fish so I thought hey, why not?"
The man laughed. "I see. We're from Carmel, California. We heard about all the job opportunities at the hospital here. I just graduated from med school back home, but there's only a small hospital there."
"Really? We're doctors, too. Me and my wife that is. We're neurosurgeons at Seattle Grace. Maybe you've heard of us. We're Derek and Meredith Shepherd," Derek said, finally introducing Meredith.
"I'm Jesse de Silva," he said. "And this," he motioned to the girl standing next to him, "is Susannah Simon."
The girl extended her hand. "Suze," she corrected. "Only Jesse insists on calling me Susannah."
Meredith extended her own hand and shook Suze's.
"Oh you were the girl who was riding the carousel," Meredith said with sudden recognition, trying not to sound sarcastic or burst out laughing. "It's umm…very nice to meet both of you," Meredith said, abandoning her former grouchy mood.
Suze blushed. "I wasn't exactly riding it," she said, embarrassed. She pointed an accusing finger at Jesse. "He pushed me," she explained, sounding like a two-year old.
"I did not!" he immediately denied. "You're just accident-prone."
"Soooo," Meredith cut in before this turned into an all out brawl, knowing someone was going to get dumped—or at least, that's what happened in her experience. "Where are you staying?" she asked, quickly changing the subject. "We're at the Hilton by the big iceberg. It's supposed to be a major tourist attraction according to Derek, but I personally wouldn't know. It wasn't my idea to come here." She shot a glare at Derek who just rolled his eyes. Jesse and Suze laughed. "Why anyone would want to see a huge hunk of ice is beyond me."
"What a coincidence. We're staying there, too," Jesse said.
"Would you like to share a cow?" Derek asked. "I MEAN CAB!"
Meredith shot him a death glare, wondering how the hell he could get cow mixed up with cab.
The two couples headed for the door, Suze and Jesse laughing hysterically at Derek's slip. Derek and Jesse were in front, leading the way and forming a better friendship. Meredith looked at Suze.
"Shall we follow them?" she asked.
"Do we have to?" Suze wondered.
"Well we could take the next plane back to the U.S. I'm sure they wouldn't notice."
Suze laughed. "Let's do it."
"MEREDITH, THE CAB'S HERE!" shouted Derek, ruining their escape plan. Again everyone turned to look at them, disturbed by their loud voices. Why was this airport so quiet?
"I'm so going to castrate him," Meredith grumbled as she headed for the cab.
Suze laughed harder than ever as she followed Meredith.
After about ten minutes of situating everyone, they were all in the cab, heading for the Hilton. The driver looked like an Eskimo, all bundled up in a furry coat. He gave Meredith and Derek a weird look, seeing that they were shivering, not wearing coats. Suze and Jesse were also shivering, even bundled up in their coats.
"Where to?" the cab driver asked in a thick accent that Meredith couldn't make out. She turned to Derek in confusion.
"How can you screw up two words? I mean they're like the simplest words in the English language," Meredith said.
"The Hilton," Derek informed the cab driver, completely ignoring his wife's comment. The driver nodded, stepped on the gas, and they were off, the road speeding by too fast as the driver sped down the crowded road, squeezing between spaces that seemed too small for the cab to fit in.
Jesse grabbed onto the door for support, and Suze, in the middle, grabbed on to him. Meredith and Derek were undisturbed by the crazy driving, as they had both been in ambulances too often, speeding towards the hospital.
"Jeez, you guys act like you've done this before," commented Suze, starting to get a little car sick. Meredith looked over her new friend and smiled.
"Well when you're the top neurosurgeon in the country, you're frequently called to trauma scenes, so you get used to the speed and the jolts that come with the ride. The only difference is that you're not squeezing into tight spaces. The cars actually move out of your way because of the flashing lights…Usually"
Suze nodded, but the motion caused her to have to cover her mouth shortly after, in fear that she was going to vomit all over the car.
Suddenly the car jolted to a stop. Even Meredith and Derek were thrown forward, not expecting the sudden slam of the brakes. The cab driver cursed under his breath—or at least they all assumed that the unintelligible syllables were curse words—as he turned off the car and got out, making his way to the front. Everyone exchanged looks and quickly unbuckled their seat belts, wondering why they had stopped.
They stepped out of the car quickly and joined the cab driver at the front of the car. The front bumper was covered in thick scarlet liquid. They all stood next to the driver, trying to get a better look. Suze, who was usually considered short, towered over the cab driver. She hadn't noticed when he had been sitting, but the man was short and plump. He almost reminded her of an oompa loompa. Without the orange skin…
She turned her attention back to the front of the car. "Is that blood?" she asked, nauseous. First the car sickness, now blood? What could possibly be next?
Derek, Meredith, and Jesse quickly surrounded the small black and white body lying in the road. "It's hurt pretty badly," Derek announced, inspecting the penguin's wounds.
"You did bring your scalpel, right?" Meredith asked. Derek nodded and Meredith went to the trunk to retrieve his supplies. The cab driver looked around, confused by all the chaos.
"What you doing?" he asked in his broken English. Meredith came back with a big black doctor's bag with a large white caduceus on it, and opened it up at Derek's feet.
"Nothing's sterilized, but in this cold, I really don't think it'll matter," she said, setting down the bag. Jesse continued to inspect the penguin for any more serious damages.
"It just looks like he has some small internal bleeding. Otherwise it's just cuts and bruises," he assessed.
Derek nodded as he put on some gloves and dug in the bag for the scalpel.
"Well it's a wonderful day to save…lives. Let's have some fun shall we?" Derek said, a little surprised since he didn't operate on penguins…well not usually anyway.
"WHAT YOU DOING? WHAT YOU DOING?" the cab driver shouted, hysterical. "PENGUIN SACRED! YOU NO CUT PENGUIN! YOU KILL PENGUIN! YOU KILL SACRED ANIMAL! WE SHUN PENGUIN KILLER!"
Meredith rolled her eyes at the shouting cab driver, trying to think of a good psychiatrist.
"Next time, we go to Jamaica," she muttered to Derek, who just gave her a look and turned his attention back to the penguin. Meanwhile, Jesse stood up and walked over to the cab driver, who was at the point of spazzing out. Correction: he was spazzing out.
"YOU ALL PENGUIN KILLERS! YOU ALL PENGUIN KILERS! WE ARREST PENGUIN KILLERS! YOU ALL GOING TO SHUN!" he shouted at them.
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO RAN OVER THE FREAKIN' PENGUIN IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Suze shouted from behind the car. The cab driver turned to her, stunned, and opened his mouth to say something, then closed it.
"Stupid penguin killers," he muttered under his breath just so he could have the last word. Jesse rolled his eyes at Suze's comment.
"Umm…Sir," he said, trying to be polite to this lunatic stranger. "We're doctors. We're going to save your precious penguin. Everything will be fine. We're not penguin killers. I promise. We, uh, love them. Yeah. They're just as sacred to us as they are to you."
Suze snorted, but fortunately the cab driver didn't hear her. He relaxed, slightly reassured by Jesse's words.
"Okay, you save penguin?" he asked. Jesse nodded.
"We're going to save the penguin," he repeated.
"Oh okay, you no penguin killer."
Jesse smiled, deciding to take this as a compliment. Possibly the strangest compliment he'd ever received, but a compliment nonetheless.
"But, she," he turned, pointing at Suze. "She penguin killer."
"Okay, you know what? I'm about to kill that stupid penguin if you don't SHUT UP!"
"SEE SEE!" the cab driver shouted, jumping up and down and pointing at Suze. "SHE PENGUIN KILLER!"
"Shit," she muttered, just realizing that she was only encouraging him. "Oompa Loompa doopidy doo," she sang under her breath. Jesse shot her a look but decided not to say anything as he walked over to Meredith and Derek.
"How's it going?" he asked them.
Meredith looked up at Jesse.
"We're almost done. Luckily he didn't hit him at a fast…wait he did hit him at what? 100 mph. Ok, luckily he didn't hit him straight on in an area of any major organs. We're going to have to take out the spleen, but that's standard procedure."
"I guess an animal's anatomy isn't THAT different from a human's?" he commented with a laugh. Derek was too concentrated on saving the stupid sacred penguin's life to make any comment. Jesse looked one last time at the penguin and walked over to Suze.
"You know, you really shouldn't encourage him like that," he said referring to her threat to kill the penguin. Suze threw her hands up in the air.
"WHAT? He was the one who was going on 'you penguin killer. We shun penguin killers!' what was I supposed to do? Hit him over the head with a fish?"
Jesse sighed but didn't bother to ask where she had gotten the fish idea from. "Susannah, just think for a moment. If we killed the penguin, he could come back and haunt you about any unfinished penguin business he had."
Suze rolled her eyes.
"Jesse I'm a you-know-what," she said, avoiding the use of the word mediator since Meredith and Derek didn't know, "that only does human ghosts. Not animal."
Jesse laughed. "You never know. There's a first time for everything."
Suze slapped him.
"Just go see how your stupid crazed cab driver oompa loompa friend is doing," she ordered.
"WHERE DID I PUT THAT DAMN SCALPEL???" Derek yelled.
Suze went to Derek's side and offered him the scalpel, which was sitting right beside him in plain sight, covering her eyes so she wouldn't see the penguin gore. "This it?"
"Oh," he said. "Yeah, that's it." He took it and held it over the penguin's lower stomach. Suze turned her head away before he could slice it open in front of her. "We're just going to make a small incision in the lower left quadrant," Derek said as he cut. "We should be able to get the spleen out and stitch him up without much of a scar."
"Wouldn't want a penguin to have a scar," Suze said sarcastically. "What would its penguin girlfriend think?" The smell of blood now filled the air, and Suze, beginning to get nauseous again, went into the driver's side of the car, ignoring the glare of the taxi driver.
"Penguin killer sitting in my seat," the taxi driver muttered under his breath.
"At least I'm not an oompa loompa," she muttered, half hoping the driver would hear her.
"SHE'S NOT A DAMN PENGUIN KILLER, YOU CRAZY OLD COOT!" Jesse yelled, having finally had enough of the man's rude comments. "Now shut up so we can save this stupid penguin!"
Suze, in the car, was surprised by Jesse's outbreak. He never yelled, let alone cussed.
"Okay, just a few more stitches and we are…DONE!" Derek exclaimed as he stood up. "I think I did a sufficient job, even though I'm not a general surgeon. I don't think Bailey could have done a better job than that," he said proudly.
"Well she wouldn't have hit a freakin' penguin in the first place," Meredith shouted, cleaning up the mess. "Nor would she be in Antarctica!" she added.
"Ok. Will you stop? We're here and you can't change that"—he ignored Meredith's comment of "Watch me," and continued—"We just did a rare surgery…in the middle of a highway. See, something good came out of this!"
Meredith raised her eyebrows.
"Ya, a REAL perk! I'm so going to write this in my blog when I get to the hotel," she said sarcastically.
"You have a blog?" Derek asked. "I want to read it. Wait, am I in it?" he asked, worried.
"Never mind," she uttered, putting the last of the surgical tools in the bag.
The two of them rounded to the front of the car to tell the crazy driver the good news.
"You save sacred penguin?" he asked at the sight of Meredith and Derek, his eyes alight
"Even if you didn't, say yes for the sake of all of us!" whispered Suze, coming out of the car. Derek smiled.
"Don't worry. The penguin will live. You're just going to have to…take care of it for a while I suppose. I don't' know, I'm not a vet. How about we call up Finn and ask him?" Derek added sarcastically turning his attention to Meredith.
"Yes, let's. Let me pull out my cell phone. I mean he is speed dial number 2!"
"Am I number one?" he asked hopefully.
Meredith snorted. "Of course not. Number one is voicemail, you idiot."
Derek rolled his eyes and began to make a comment.
"Just shut up," Meredith ordered him.
Derek glared at her.
"I don't care. I just saved a life!"
Suze sighed loudly.
"Okay, great. Stupid penguin saved. Can we PLEASE get to the hotel now?"
The cab driver nodded.
"You save sacred penguin's life. I am now in your…duty!"
Everyone exchanged looks.
"I think he means debt." Jesse whispered. Everyone nodded their heads, doing a silent "OHHHHHHH!"
"Crazy non-English-speaking oompa loompa," Suze muttered, and the cab driver glared at her again. "I swear, in the middle of the night, he's gonna come up behind me and kill me in my sleep…with a dead rotten fish! Or a giant lollipop, as is more fitting for an oompa loompa."
Meredith and Derek gave her a strange look, which she didn't even notice. They looked instead at Jesse, silently asking how the heck he understood this crazy girl.
Jesse shrugged and mouthed, "Don't ask."
They piled into the car as the cab driver picked up the unconscious penguin and put him in Derek's lap.
"You hold penguin. I name him Fred."
Derek turned around and looked at Meredith, mouthing, "Help Me!"
Meredith just shrugged at him, sending the message of: "It was your idea to come here…karma rocks!"
Finally the car started to move at the same too-fast speed, and Suze and Jesse held on to each other for dear life. To try to take her mind off the glaciers passing by, Suze silently sang to herself.
"Oompa Loompa doopity do. If you kill us I will sue. Oompa Loompa doopity da. I can't think of anything that rhymes with da."
After a few more penguin-related close calls, they arrived at the Hilton, an hour after check-in.
"Finally. Now we can all get away from this crazed oompa loompa," Meredith said, using Suze's very accurate description. She was the first one out of the car and at the trunk, with Suze close behind her. Jesse came next, grabbing the bags and finally Derek, who just threw some twenties at the oompa loompa, muttering something about keeping the change, and grabbed Fred. The car diver tried to object, but Derek was too quick as he sprinted inside, yelling something along the lines of "SAVE THE PENGUIN!" with Fred in a tight grip against his chest, just in case the crazy oompa loompa driver came after him with a dead fish. After a few seconds, the cab driver shrugged as he turned on the ignition.
"Oh well. I run over 'nother penguin. That one no special no more." He drove off with the trunk flying open, Meredith's bags still inside. Suze stared after the car in disbelief.
"Did we just go through all that trouble of saving the stinkin' penguin's life for him to just not care?"
"I don't know what's right anymore to tell you the truth."
Meredith was too busy watching her bags fly out of the trunk.
"Those have my good shoes in them," she said, pouting as she picked up the remaining bags, wondering where her crazy penguin-obsessed husband had gone and where the bell hop was. Suddenly, another penguin, which looked similar to Fred, walked up to her.
"Would you like me to take these madam?"
Meredith let out a small scream as she jumped into Jesse's arms, earning her a glare from Suze.
The penguin smiled, its beak curving upward. This was an ordinary reaction from the stupid humans. He grabbed her bags and walked inside. Jesse gently put Meredith down as he followed the penguin inside, leaving Meredith and Suze outside. Getting over her disbelief, Meredith started to walk towards her shoe bag, random shoes having flown out in all the chaos, when all of a sudden the dirty hobo that Meredith tripped over at the airport appeared out of nowhere. He grabbed a pair of her favorite black stilettos, putting them on, and then ran off with her suitcase, his heals clicking with each step. She opened her mouth to say something, then quickly decided not to.
"You know what, I don't even care anymore," she said as she walked into the hotel. Finally seeing Derek, still holding on to Fred for dear life, arguing with the front desk clerk, she walked over to see what was wrong (not that having the desk clerk a penguin was wrong, of course. No, totally normal).
"I'M TELLING YOU I RESERVED A ROOM!" He yelled at the penguin, his face turning red. The penguin shook his head.
"I'm sorry, but we don't' have a room under Shepherd. I suggest you leave now. Oh, and give me him. You have no use for him."
The clerk tired to reach for Fred, but Derek objected.
"No, stay back. He's mine!"
The penguin suddenly got angry and began to yell, "STUPID LAND STEALING HUMAN! THIS IS OUR CONTINENT! NOT YOURS! GET OUT! GET OUT GET—"
Derek slapped him over the head with a dead fish that he randomly acquired. One moment his hand was empty and the next it was gripping a smelly old fish, raising it high and bringing it down on top of the penguin's head. Slowly, he turned around to face Jesse, Suze and Meredith, wearing a crazy psychopath smile that was the exact opposite of his famous McDreamy smile. His eyes were wide with a killing expression. He raised the fish and slowly began to walk towards them. Suddenly there was a loud beeping in the background as Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol started to play
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
Just forget the world
Meredith fell with a hard thump onto the floor. She rubbed her head as her eyes fluttered open, looking around in confusion. It took her a minute to realize that she was back in her mother's house in Seattle. Slowly getting up, she noticed that Derek was sitting up in bed looking at her.
"You look like you just had a bad dream," he said, comfortingly.
"No shit, Sherlock." She muttered as she climbed back into bed. "Actually, it wasn't bad just…weird. It was full of penguins, and a crazy oompa loompa cab driver, and you were there holding a dead fish and we met this couple from Carmel, California named Suze and Jesse. It wasn't really scary until the end when you tired to murder all of us with a fish," she rambled.
Derek laughed. "You know I would never do that."
Meredith laughed along with him. "Well…"
Derek played hurt. She grabbed a pillow and whacked him over the head with it. Derek dodged the pillow as he flung himself over the center of the bed. Meredith was just about to grab another pillow when she saw his strange behavior.
"What are you doing?" she asked, trying to pull apart his arms. After a few minutes of wrestling, she freed his arms only to reveal a penguin that looked exactly like Fred from her dream. She looked from the penguin to Derek as she let out an ear-piercing scream
Meanwhile in Carmel Suze woke up in a tangle of blankets and turned around to see Jesse only a few inches from her face in his usual ghost form. She let out a small squeal at the sudden surprise of her "boyfriend."
"JESSE DON'T DO THAT!" she exclaimed, throwing a pillow at him. Of course, it went right through him. Jesse laughed as he settled at his window.
"Well you were tossing and turning and singing something about an oompa loompa. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
Suze blushed a bright red as she covered her mouth.
"Please don't say I said something along the lines of 'Oompa Loompa doopity do. If you kill us I will sue-'".
"'Oompa Loompa doopity da. I can't think of anything that rhymes with da.' Ya that's it. By the way, what's an oompa loompa?" he asked. Suze threw the covers off her sweat-drenched body as she ran to her bathroom, throwing some cold water on her face and muttering, "It was just a dream. It was just a dream. Penguins can't talk and there is no Meredith and Derek Shepherd from the Seattle. It was just a dream."
She emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, calm.
"I have no clue what you're talking about," she told Jesse as she walked over to her closet. Suddenly remembering something, she turned back around.
"By the way do you know a band called Snow Patrol?" she asked. Jesse gave her a strange look.
"Susannah, you're the one from this century," he reminded her. "Not me. How am I supposed to know?"
Suze shook her head. "Yeah, sorry. I just…forgot."
She turned back to her closet, trying to push any memory of penguins, hobos, strange neurosurgeons, and oompa loompas out of her mind as she dragged out some clothes, silently singing to her self, "Oompa loompa doopity do…"