Why were clarinets invented?
For one of three reasons. To make an oboe that looks good, to mess up someone's fingers, or so there would be someone to steal reeds from.

Why were oboes invented?
To make you hyperventilate.

Why were flutes invented?
To hit the person on the right.

Why were piccolos invented?
To give the whole orchestra a headache.

Why were trumpets invented?
To make people go deaf.

Why were trombones invented?
To break your arm.

Why were baritones invented?
Because someone thought the tuba should have a baby.

Why were string instruments invented?
To frustrate a person in tuning them.

Speilberg thought of an idea for a action drama about famous musicians played by superstars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwartzenegger all showed up. Speilberg told them to pick what musician they wanted to be as long as they were famous.
"I'll be Mozart because I've always admired his classial music," said Stallone.
"I liked Chopin's piano music and I think I'll play his role," said Bruce.
"I think I'll be Beethoven because he wrote excellent music," Segall said.
Speilburg was excited because he loved this idea. When he asked who Arnold would be, Arnold said, "I'll be Bach".

Q: What's the difference between drummers and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Q: How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of a trombonist?
A: They don't know how to use the slide and can't swing.

Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!

Q: What's the difference between a dead saxophonist and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks infront of the skunk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
A: An earache.

Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose!

Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!

Q: Why do oboists put their oboes in clarinet cases?
A: So they won't get stolen!

Q: What do a clarinet and a law suit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: If most musicians are either high or low, what does that make an orchestral third clarinetist?
A: Confused.

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant."You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

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Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients. "Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!", said the patient.

"Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?"

"Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient.

"Wow, that's impressive," said the violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?"

"Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones," said the patient.

"Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?" asked the violinist.

"Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient.

Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets?"

All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted " STRING QUARTETS!!!!!!!!STRING QUARTETS!!!!!!!!STRING QUARTETS!!!!!!!!"

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A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"