Title: And You Say No
Author: Faith V.
Summary: You say no, stop, don’t, the memories come anyway and you don’t want them to, no no no, don’t do this to me, I don’t… I never… I never wanted to be this way.

And you say no, no, no, no, no, in your mind, all the time. You say no to him, every time he orders you around, when he treats you like you’re nothing, you say no. You’re something, you have to be, you’re smart, you think you’re smart, you’re you, all of you and he can’t see it, no one can. The guys look at you, their eyes… they think you’re just a glorified secretary and you say no, you scream it, so loud it almost breaks your eardrums, you scream NO, except the sound never gets out, and it’s deafening, and it’s all bottled up, inside, and the path you should have followed was not this one, definitely. No, you’re not this, you don’t want to be this, you want… you don’t know what you want.

You’re not weak, no, you’re not, really, you can prove it, look, look, look at me, I’m strong, I break but I don’t crumble, don’t look at me like that. No, you are not weak. You’re strong, strong, you need to believe this, strong and tough and way world-wearier than anyone should be. One day you’re a young girl in pigtails and shorts and nine months later you’ve had your heart broken and a little baby boy who needs you. And you say no, I don’t want this, I’m too young and too scared and that’s all you’ll ever be, young and scared and scarred and he was such a beautiful baby boy.

No, it’s not true, it shouldn’t be true, it’s not normal and it’s not right, but you can’t say it, because yes, it’s true, you are too familiar with death. It was your mother and it was your son and it was your husband and it was you, you died a little every time you lost someone, you are death, you are dead inside, a little.

You said yes when you wanted to say no, because look at you, you’re the girl with the pretty smile and the sad eyes and you’re easy on the eyes and just plain easy. You aim to please, you hate to disappoint and you never quite manage to do either. You were 14 and scared and he looked at you with such sorrow in his eyes and you said, I’m sorry, Daddy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, Dad, sorry, I’m so sorry… Your baby called you Mommy and your father never called you Ally again and you were so sorry but you love him, you loved that little boy so much it hurt, and it was worth all the scorning stares in the world cause he was your son and he was your world and he made everything better and then he died. Your son died. A waiting room and a high fever and a doctor telling you, don’t worry your brother will be just fine honey, where are your parents? Not my brother, my son. He was not your brother, you made it clear and then this doctor, this person who didn’t knew you at all, he looked at you the way some doctors look at crack-addicted teen mothers in the clinic and you wanted to say, don’t, no, don’t look at me like that, stop, but he just… They told you he’d be fine, baby, please get better, please, the fever was too high and he was too little and tiny baby coffins. They told you he’d be fine and then they told you, meningitis, he was too young and you were never going to be young again because 18 year olds are supposed to graduate and drink illegal beers and not bury their sons.

You were going to be an English Lit major, all those years ago, because you weren’t smart enough to go to Med school and you weren’t smart enough to realize so. They told you, they told you, you’re not smart enough Allison, you’ll never make it, and you said no, loud and clear, and you left and never came back. You went away and no, no, no, somebody misses you, somebody must miss you, you’re not just the screw up, you’re not just the girl who gets nothing right, you’re not just the girl with the best grades who will never amount to anything because she had sex with a boy who said I love you. No, you’re not that girl, you can’t be that girl, you’ve got potential, you’re damn smart, you can get places, but no, no, you’d give it away, everything, every possible shining moment in your life just so you could see your baby again.

He was cute and nice and he thought you hung the freaking moon and you wanted to love him, you did love him, if only cause he looked at you and saw nothing but perfection. You were scared and young again and scared and young and oh so scared, this was your life, a young wife with a sick husband and you said no, not me, not to me, please, not again. Please. Please don’t die, please. Stay, baby, stay… No, because it wasn’t meant to be, and you should have known better, it’s never meant to be, in your life. No, don’t die, please don’t leave me. You knew, from the beginning, this was not for the rest of your life but for the rest of his. Please don’t leave me.

You say no, stop, don’t, the memories come anyway and you don’t want them to, no no no, don’t do this to me, I don’t… I never… I never wanted to be this way. No, because you were a young widow with a whole in her heart and her future ahead of her, alone, you’re always alone.

Your mother died and you were just a little girl and your dad loved you, he did, he must have, fathers love their daughters and mothers love their sons, you know this. Your father loved you but your eyes were too much like the sea and your hair was too much like the earth and you were too much like her and it hurt him, every time he saw you he saw her, and you weren’t the only one who lost her, Daddy, I lost her too, I’m hurting too, Daddy, can’t you see? I won’t smile, ever again, if it makes you hurt any less. You forgot how to, anyway, one day, some way, you met a boy and he said I love you and he made you smile and he made you cry and he left, everyone leaves, and he gave you the world in a pair of blue-green eyes just like yours, and you’ve been loved, you’ve been Mommy to a perfect little boy, Mommy, I love you, Baby, you’re the most important thin in the world to me, and he got sick and he died and another scar in the invisible canvas of your life, another line in an already too complicated pattern. It makes you who you are, it makes you needy and crying and broken and tough, strong, brittle, so fragile because sometimes you think, another line and I won’t make it, I can’t take it, no, don’t hurt me again, please, I can’t take it, no. I can’t… I don’t want to take it.

You want it over, sometimes, not that you want to die, but you want to stop feeling this, this thing that hurts so much it stops hurting and makes you numb. To the world and to yourself and you have to stop, no, yes, no, yes, you have to, it’s killing you, stop Allison, stop doing this to yourself. You put yourself in these impossible situations, where you know you’re going to lose, end up hurt. Why? Why do you do this, it’s not sane, it’s not good for you, it’s not…

He looks at you and you say no, no, I won’t fall for you, I won’t fall for you, I won’t… too late, you’re a goner. You love him, why? You love him and he hurts, so much, he’s been hurt too and you don’t want to see the scars cause you’re afraid to read yourself in them. You love him and he’s too much like you except he says no even when he means yes, and you’ll never get anywhere, together, too bad, he may have loved you. You know, there’s something in you worth caring for, worth loving, if only he could see it, if only they could see it, that you’re not just you’re hurts and you’re more than pain and tears, don’t know, this is not everything, you were happy too, there’s not just shadows, there was light and there was one snowy morning when you woke up and took a stroll and you said, hey, maybe, yes, maybe it will be okay because the sky is cloudy but the snow is melting and it’s getting warmer and a trip to the cemetery, I can… I can do this, I can move on, maybe… There’s not just dark, you can smile again, even if it’s hard because you want to, you never knew you had it in you but your husband died and he saw something worth living for in you, worth staying alive for 6 more months instead of 2, he didn’t want to leave you and your baby boy loved you too, they left, but you stayed and you’re not dead yet, you can live, you can, Allison, you can leave and you can leave again but you’ll always be you. You can be alright.

[the end