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Lady Hinoto
Author of 8 Stories |
Disclaimer: Invader Zim, Doctor Who and Torchwood all belong to the people/companies that own the shows and the rights to them. Which sufficed to say that ain't me and it you'd be correct in guessing this story wasn't written with each of the three shows permission. This story is a strictly here for fun, to entertain some people and nothing is being gained financially by the author for it.
Setting: The Doctor Who portion takes place after Series 3 and The Christmas Special but before Series 4. (Either way, The Doctor is traveling on his own.) The Torchwood portion takes place after the first season and after Jack returns. The Invader Zim portion? Pretty much anywhere you want in the series.
Invader Time Lord!
By: Lady Hinoto
Take-
1 Skool Show and Tell event (the showing and telling specifically of one Time Matter Stream Device 5000 built by one Professor Membrane in the form of a wristwatch and brought by Dib)
23 spitballs (directed at Zim)
And 1 birthday party invitation
Throw in a Time Lord (who proves, despite possessing the aforementioned title, to have the worst timing in the universe) an Irken and a GIR and shake profusely.
Then sit back and watch the implosion begin!
Enjoy!
That's right! Dib was completely at fault for this one. Oh, he might say otherwise and actually might not even know it BUT IT WAS ALL! HIS! FAULT! Zim was nothing more then an innocent bystander who just happened to find a bright side in this whole mess and who could possibly think ill of him for merely trying to take advantage of a bad situation?
Really, if Dib hadn't stolen that stupid Time Stream Matter whatchamacallit device for show and tell the whole thing wouldn't have happened in the first place.
Actually if Dib had just conceded defeat before show and tell and accepted his inferiority to Zim with quite and demure dignity then he wouldn't have felt the need to so wildly attempt to over compensate in order to one up Zim.
As if such a thing were even possible.
Technically this is perhaps where it all started, an argument over this event.
"Hey Zim! What are you going to do for show and tell?" Dib had ambushed the Irken the day before in class before Ms. Bitters arrived.
"What is this show and tell you speak of? Is it a contest?" Zim demanded alarmed that he had somehow missed some human tradition or holiday.
"Nope! You just bring something unique to the class and show us and tell us about it."
"Why would I want to do that?"
"Because you have to." Dib gleefully grabbed onto Zim's hair and yanked in an attempt to pull it off as the Irken flailed hysterically trying to get away and keep it on. "Are you going to show us your alien appearance and tell us about it? That just might actually top what I plan to bring!"
"STOP TOUCHING MY HEAD HAIR!" Zim shrieked knocking Dib over onto the floor and then he jumped onto his desk and pointed down at him seething. "Fool! I shall bring something! I shall bring something grand that will crush whatever you plan on bringing! I shall win this contest and when I do I shall be crowned Show and Tell Grand Master Of Them All! NOBODY WILL EVER BE ABLE TO SURPASS WHAT I BRING AND I WILL BE HAILED FOR YEARS! SONGS WILL BE SUNG ABOUT ME! I'LL EVEN HAVE A STATUE!"
"It's not a contest." Dib reminded him from his position on the floor.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK! Of course it's a contest! They only tell you that so when you get sent home weeping over the fact your pathetic offering couldn't begin to live up to the others you won't feel bad. I don't have that problem! You can feel like a worm because I'm going to be number one!"
"Oh yeah? Bring it on!"
So Zim did. Sure he didn't show his true alien appearance like Dib was hoping for (idiot! Like he was stupid enough to ever do that for a simple little event as this. Now if it were for the world championship then that would be a different story.) but he did run home and constructed a Sonic Wave Blaster out of a earth head weapon called a Hair Dryer that he had found in the drug store.
And while the Sonic Wave Blaster was technically nothing more then a glorified laundry method for the Stain people of the planet Bleecher, it did blow the earth children away. In a more literal sense as it ended up sending three kids to the nurse's office with their brains threatening to leak out of their ears and deafened the class for a good two hours after Zim turned it on and pointed it at them. (Feeble humans! IT WAS SET ON LOW.)
However after this glorious display of Zim's obvious superiority and right to win this contest Dib was still suffering under the delusion he could somehow surpass it with his father's creation. (Zim tried to get Dib disqualified from Show and Tell because he didn't build his Show and Tell presentation and there for it should not count and was a total foul right?
Ms. Bitters disagreed by shooting Zim with the confiscated Sonic Wave Blaster and ordering him to stay in his seat and be quiet as he convulsed.)
"This! Is the Time Matter Stream Device 5000!" Dib proudly proclaimed dramatically holding up a wristwatch (which until then had been attached to his wrist) that looked like it had been won at a cheep arcade, the dial face replaced with a plain red button that took up the entire face. "It's my birthday present from my dad but I stole it for today since I won't be getting it until the day after tomorrow when it's my actual birthday."
"What does it do?" Some kid- who really has no bearing what so ever on this story aside from asking this one question and there for nobody bothered to register let alone give a name to- asked.
"It allows you to access the time matter stream in space therefore allowing time travel!" Dib declared.
"Ludicrous!" Zim boomed after having recovered and managed to keep his brain in his head. "Why would you create such a ridiculous device let alone have it only work in space! You can't even get past the moon! And why is it called the Time Matter Stream Device 5000? Does that mean you failed miserably the first 4999 other times? I bet that doesn't even work because if it did you could just go back in time and give yourself the proper construction method so you'd get it right the first time. Turn it on!" He challenged.
"What are you nuts? I'm not turning it on! I don't want to time travel right now! My dad will find out!" Dib scoffed.
"LIAR! If you can't guarantee it works then that's false advertising!"
"You try it then!" Dib held out the watch and Zim's eye twitched.
"I'm not touching that! I don't want to become a puddle of inside jelly because you humans can't calculate infinite time properly!"
It was all very anti-climatic really since no matter what, in a rare display of caution and restraint, Dib didn't turn it on and for all intents and purposes (given the two's history) it should have ended there since it wasn't a fraction near some of their other clashes and both of them were being stubborn and were unwilling to budge.
However it escalated when Dib began blowing spitballs at Zim after the contest that was Show and Tell. (Which Zim won. He didn't care what they said he WON.)
Having never been hit with a spitball before Zim promptly freaked out when he slapped at the wet spot on his neck and saw some gooey white thing on his hand when he pulled it away.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SOMETHING IS HORKING UP SOME KIND OF BIO PRODUCT ON ME!" Zim had screamed falling out of his chair.
Ms. Bitters was less then sympathetic and ordered Zim to hold off his apparent psychotic break until detention when she didn't have to deal with him anymore and made him write "Suffering in silence is a virtue" 100 times.
It didn't take long for Zim to deduce where the offensive onslaught was coming from (and just how it was being done and how the ammo was being constructed) and after the twenty third time of getting pelted he finally snapped.
"YOU! STOP ATTEMPTING TO TAINT ME WITH YOUR DNA!" Zim screeched leaping over to, and pointing wildly at, Dib who had shoved the straw he had been using into his coats pocket by then.
"What?" He asked innocently making Zim's teeth grind together in fury.
"Do not WHAT me! I saw you with your spitty projectile device! GIVE IT TO ME!"
Zim proceeded to assault Dib for the spitty projectile device and this quickly descended into a slapping five year old fight. Somehow in the grabbing and flailing the Time Matter Stream 5000 device got yanked off of Dib's wrist unintentionally so that when Ms. Bitters kicked Zim across the room to end the fight it was clutched in his hand.
He popped back up instantly waving his fist that clutched the watch, both battling opponents failing to fully register just what he held. They both probably would have realized what had happened had Zim not chosen to devour the contents of a nearby math book in an attempt to retaliate with his own spit wad campaign, only to have Ms. Bitters grab Zim by his ankles and hold him upside down and shake him to dislodge the book. Zim ended up choking and foaming papier-mâché at the mouth so the end result had him in the nurse's office where he got stuck a bunch of times with needles in an attempt to save him from The Rabies. In all the commotion the watch was shoved into his pocket as an after thought and promptly forgotten.
Deciding that (when Zim finally took over this miserable planet and its inhabitants) he wouldn't kill Dib outright but instead keep him as a miserable little pet to be fed to Zim's other more well deserving and beloved pets, the irate Irken stomped out of the skool building at the end of the day somewhat pacified with these lovely visions.
Dib, naturally, chose this moment to jump Zim.
"Hey Zim! How's the arm?" Dib asked gleefully.
"MY ARM IS FINE!" Zim screamed, as if the volume of the statement would somehow be a testament to its well being as he flailed it around to demonstrate its fineness.
"Good! I wouldn't want our medicines to make it fall off or anything… at least not until after the day after tomorrow that is."
"Why? What's so special about the day after tomorrow?" Zim asked acidly.
"It's my birthday!" Dib suddenly shoved an envelope into Zim's face. "And consider yourself cordially invited to my party."
Zim peeled the envelope off his face and looked at it horrified. "You're what!"
"My birthday! Don't they have birthdays where you come from?"
"Of course not! Why would I want to celebrate your birthing day? It's nothing special, it's just another day and if anything it just denotes you're one step closer to death. That I will happily celebrate. If anything we should all be mourning your day of existence! I'm not coming." Zim declared.
"You have to!"
"Says who! The Birthday Lord! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Zim paused in his triumphant laughter and looked worried. "Does the Birthday Lord say I have to?"
Dib played the trump card that always worked. "Anyone who's human goes to birthday parties."
You must be joking. Zim stared at Dib appalled as Dib beamed evilly.
"I'll see ya there okay? I can't wait for you to arrive." Dib promised with a gleefully and with an overly innocent grin that spoke volumes as to the real purpose of Zim's invite before the human practically skipped off.
Zim looked at the invitation that simply said "Zim, your invited" and let out a growl and ripped it up wildly snarling. "I don't BELIEVE THIIIIIIIIIIS!"
Humans had way, way too many traditions and rules. Zim made another mental note to get rid of all these useless holidays when he took over. There would be only one holiday if humans wanted one so much. And that holiday would be Zim Day where they would celebrate the glory that was Zim.
Now that sounded like a worthwhile holiday.
But for now Zim had to go to this stupid party if he wanted to maintain his cover and to add insult to injury (as if having to celebrate his arch nemesis birthing day wasn't enough of a laughable insult) upon looking up this birthday holiday he discovered he would have to give Dib a present.
Zim wasn't fooled for a minute. The only reason Dib would invite him was because the human undoubtedly had something planned. The fact that Zim had to attend this party at Dib's house meant going into enemy territory and being on their turf and rules and the whole thing was an obvious trap!
So that left Zim with only one choice.
Blow up Dib's house.
After all, Zim wouldn't have to worry about being in enemy territory if his enemy had no territory.
If he had to attend this disgusting celebration of birth then he certainly wasn't going to compound his problems by giving Dib the advantage. So his home? Had to go. And if Dib happened to get caught in the middle of it that wasn't Zim's problem. Dib should have planned better. If you can't see the logic of this you are unworthy to be reading this story let alone continue it.
One can see then, using this same logic, how what happened next was totally Dib's fault, because if he hadn't invited Zim then Zim wouldn't have been in space plotting his imitate death at the time it happened.
One could perhaps make the argument that what happened next was technically GIR's fault but it was Dib's stupid time device that the robot got its hands on so yet again obviously it was all because of Dib.
"We're gonna blow up the hoooooouse! We're gonna blow up the hoooooooouse! We're gonna blow up the hoooooooouse! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"BE QUIET GIR!" Zim demanded while pressing buttons on the computer screen in front of him. The Voot Cruiser they were in was currently hovering just above the earth's atmosphere as Zim tried to align it perfectly so that he could drop a torpedo on Dib's house.
"Invite me to your birth-day-par-tay will you? HA! I'll show you DIB. I'm gonna make sure they won't be able to see you even if they have a microscope!" Zim said gleefully and laughed maniacally.
GIR floated down and tapped Zim's shoulder, interrupting his moment of grandeur.
"What!"
"I don't want to be a dog anymore! Can I be a cow?" GIR squeaked. The hood of his dog costume was down revealing his true robotic head.
"What! No you cannot be a cow! Humans don't have cows as pets! There has never been an instance where a human said 'I love your bovine!' You're a dog and you're staying a dog!"
"But I want to be a cow! I'd make a good cow! See? Moooooooooo! MOOOOOOOOOOOO!" GIR belted out sounding like a fog horn being strangled to death.
"Go moo over there!" Zim shoved GIR away and began hitting more buttons.
"Moooooo! Moooooo! Moooo-ooh!"
Zim failed spectacularly to notice the robot crawling along the back his seat and reaching into his pocket.
"WHAZ THIS!" GIR screeched excitedly pulling out the Time Matter Stream Device 5000 from Zim's pocket. "OOH! Lookit the button! Can I press the button? IT'S RED!"
"NOT NOW GIR! I'M CALCULATING!" Zim blithely dismissed as he put the finishing touches on his plan and GIR examined the wristwatch, jaw falling open as he was hypnotized by the red button.
"Heh heh heh… heh heh heh… bwa ha! BWA HA HA! BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Zim cackled falling back excitedly and kicking his legs into the air with glee. "THIS IS IT! OOOOOOOOOH I'VE DREAMED OF THIS DAY! THIS IS THE END DIB! I SHALL FINALLY RID MYSELF OF YOU FOREVER!"
Zim slammed back forward and grabbed the consol happily as he bounced around in his seat.
"TARGET LOCKING!" He bellowed as the scanner on screen honed in on and he watched eagerly as it found its target and magnified it once… twice… three times… four… finally Dib's house came on screen and Zim almost vaulted through the Voot Cruiser's roof.
"GIR! LOOK AT IT! IT'S GOING TO BE MAGNIFICENT! I'M GOING TO TURN THIS HOME INTO A CRATOR! OH MY OWN SINISTER GENIUS ASTOUNDS ME!" Zim hollered feeling delightfully faint with his massive intelligence and righteous retribution.
This shall be one less birthday in the name of the mighty Irken Empire!
"Moooooo!"
Zim barely registered GIR's response as he danced in his seat merrily and announced.
"GIR! I've decided! When I take over the Earth there shall be two holidays! One shall be Zim Day and the other shall be Dib's Destruction Day HAHAHAHA! There should be fireworks involved with that one and I shall write the anthem!"
"Can I press the button! Huh! Huh! Can I! Can I!" GIR warbled bobbing around in the air.
"NO! I get to press the button! It's my moment of glory and long denied happiness! Here we go!"
"Aaaaaaaaaw."
Zim rubbed his hands together and giggled leaning forward, his finger hovering over the button.
"And we finally come to this Dib! You want a present? HERE'S YOUR PREEEEEESENT! HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Zim cackled and his finger descended on the button.
GIR however proved to be a little quicker.
"WEEEEEE! IPRESSBUTTON!" GIR screeched.
And he did.
FWAAPOOOOOM!
"WHAT THE-" Zim shrieked as the Voot Cruiser was suddenly and seemingly punched. "WOW!"
Space went whirling to the side and disappeared. It sounded as if they were thrown into a wind tunnel as the Voot Cruiser began spinning around wildly as it was whirled through a spectrum of colored hues made from brilliant shades of purple, gold, green, blue and orange.
"!" Zim screamed hysterically as the Voot Cruiser spun, sending him tumbling from his seat.
" HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" GIR screamed in delight and Zim crashed into him and clamped his hands around the robot's throat.
"WHAT'S GOING ON! WHATDIDYOUDO!" Zim screeched rattling the robot wildly as they rolled and banged against one thing and another while the Voot Cruiser continued to get tossed around.
"I PRESSED THE BUTTON!" GIR declared with a triumphant squeal.
"WHAT BUTTON!"
"This one!" GIR held up the Time Stream Matter 5000 device and Zim's head almost exploded.
"WHEREDIDYOUGETHAT!"
GIR didn't get a chance to response as the ship crashed against something in the colorful tunnel and sent Zim flipping backwards and crashing into the side consol as GIR went flying in the opposite direction.
"GIR! WHERE'S THE DEVICE!" Zim shrieked kicking and spinning his arms and legs wildly as the ship tumbled around ever harder.
"What device?"
"THE BUTTON! THE RED! BUTTON! WHERE! IS! IT!" Zim bellowed.
"Oh!" GIR… who was holding onto a handle… thought hard for a moment. "I forgot!"
"YOU DID WHAAAAAAT!"
The ship lurched again affording Zim the opportunity to launch himself at the robot, unfortunately both ended up plastered against the front window like squashed bugs as the force of gravity stuck them there.
"Ooh! What's that!" GIR squeaked blinking as Zim attempted to peel his face off the glass.
"What's what!" Zim looked. "!"
Zim screamed and flailed seeing that "what" happened to be a very big blue box that was spinning towards them.
"It's earth! They must know we're here! They're throwing boxes at us now! GIR! DO SOMETHING!" Zim commanded panicking.
"Yes sir!" GIR said and able to defy the gravity he jumped away and managed to land in the pilot's seat and grab onto the controls.
"WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! NO! NOT THAT!" Zim howled as GIR steered the Voot Cruiser directly into the path of the box.
"I want to see what's in the box!" GIR said excitedly.
"!" Zim wailed and wiggled wildly against the glass unable to move as he stared in wide eyed horror at the rapidly approaching box.
The Voot Cruiser's already unstable trajectory suddenly wobbled halfway there and the ship did a half turn which actually ended up saving their lives because by the time it collided with the box the cruiser didn't spontaneously combusting nor damage it in a particularly disastrous and fatal manner.
The two clipped each other and bounced off one another with a loud screeching sound and both went spinning out of control to the side. The force of the impact was enough to punch the Voot Cruiser out of whatever time stream they were in because as soon as they hit the wall of whirling colors they promptly got thrown back out into normal space. The wind stopped, the colors went away and gravity returned to normal as Zim slid down the window and hit the floor.
He immediately popped back up with a gasp and pointed.
"GIR! YOU DID IT! WE'RE FREE!" He hollered and threw his hands into the air. "VICTORYYYY!"
"And now we're crash landing!" GIR hollered back just as enthusiastically throwing his hands into the air mimicking Zim.
"WHAT!"
Sure enough, the Voot Cruiser sputtered… stopped… and suddenly fell like a sack of bricks having re-entered normal space to close to the earth's atmosphere and was unable to compensate due to the damage it took colliding with earth's weaponed box.
And Zim and GIR both screamed hysterically as they fell into the sky.
Coming Up Next: "GIR! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I'M DEMOTING YOU TO FLOOR GERM BECAUSE OF THIS!"
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