|Castlevania:The Unknown History of the Belmonts
Author: Scissorman13 PM
Ever wonder if the Castlevania history is as accurate as the games portray? Take a look at a mind boggling and hysterical chronicle of the Belmont family from Dracula's rise to power to the last Belmont to hold his whip to the prince of darkness. FINALLY UPDATED AFTER SO LONG! You're welcome..Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,111 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 10-11-12 - Published: 09-13-07 - id: 3783115
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Chapter 3 Medievally Blonde
Bartender-Sonia! That is the fifth flagon of mead you have dropped this week!
-The chef stood over a young blonde woman who was laying face-down on the taverns' wooden floor. A broken flagon lay next to her with mead pouring through the cracks.-
Bartender-I swear, I have no idea how you are a descendant of the noble Belmont family. Someone poison that bloodline?
-The young woman clumsily pulled herself off the floor, mead dripping from her hair to her boots. She flung her hair back which caused her massive, braided ponytail to swing around her, barely missing nearby patrons and hitting the bartender in the face.-
Bartender-Gah! Watch it, you moron!
-The woman turned to the bartender. Her face trembled as she tried to look stern, but her eyes were welling up with tears.-
Sonia-Did you ever stop to think that maybe your floors are rotten and cracked? I could be tripping because of a workplace hazard!
Bartender-Sonia, in the decades this tavern has been open, only five instances of tripping have occurred...
Sonia-See! I'm, like, not the only one th-
-The bartender stared menacingly at Sonia.-
Sonia-Oh, I see. That was a crack at me, wasn't it?
Bartender-Sonia, you're beautiful, friendly, and come from a well respected family, but as a barmaid you don't have it.
Sonia-You, like, HAVE to give me another chance! I NEED this job to support my family!
-The bartender raises an eyebrow.-
Sonia-Okay, not my family, my education!
-The bartender retains his look.-
Sonia-Fine! To support orphans!
-The bartender does not stagger.-
Sonia-...these boots aren't cheap you know!
Bartender-Go home, Sonia.
Sonia-Okay, okay! I've been cut off from my family! They say I'm, like, old enough to make something of myself and they won't give me anything until I prove otherwise. Please, sir! I really need this!
-The bartender lowers his head and sighs.-
Bartender-One more spilled drink and you're out. Understand?
Sonia-Yes sir! You can, like, count on me!
Bartender-Go wash up and get back to serving.
Sonia-I won't let you down, captain! You can count on Sonia Bel-
-As Sonia turned to head out, her ponytail gets caught in the swinging bar door, forcing her yet again to the ground. The bartender groans and returns to his duties. Sonia picks herself up and heads outside to a well.-
Sonia-Why am I stuck in some hole-in-the-ground chug hut? I thought I came from a long line of noble men and woman! Beautiful, respected people who wear flashy clothing and eat tiny sandwiches! That's the life I deserve! Not this!
-Sonia tugs hard on the rope inside the well. The bucket flies upward and into her face, covering her entire body in very cold water. She stands for a minute, her lips trembling, then falls to her knees as tears roll down her cheek.-
Sonia-Like, who am I kidding? Nothing will ever change. My family kicked me out, I'll be forever working in gross taverns with bearded wierdos undressing me with their working eye.
-Sonia looks up and see's an ominous castle in the distance, sitting atop a cliff with black clouds hanging above.-
Sonia-I bet whoever lives there, like, doesn't have to worry about anything. Such a priveleged life they must lead...
-Sonia lowered her head and sighed deeply. A crack of thunder roared across the skies and rain began to pour on her. She couldn't help but cry.-
-Meanwhile, in the 'priveleged' lords' castle.-
Dracula-SERIOUSLY?! Why do I have to hang out in the keep all day?!
Death-Because my lord, it is the safest place within the castle if someone were to make an attempt on your life!
Dracula-Oh yeah, some kind of super man who can survive the infested graveyards, forests, halls, catacombs, lost cities, redneck backwoods, lava pits, clock towers, and endless staircases would be in PERFECT condition to do me in.
Death-Well, my lord...
Dracula-And you call this SAFE?! This thing hangs over a RIVER for christs' sake! And it's only supported by a thin staircase and...are those RUBBER BANDS?!
Death-The hardware store was out of most of the materials we needed...
Dracula-Oh, fantastic! I command the armies of the damned with the all the resources of the dark gods and we still have to shop at Home Depot?!
-Dracula storms off into the bathroom and slams the door behind him. The minions waiting outside hear a few metallic noises.-
Dracula-And the toilet STILL doesn't work! It smells REALLY BAD in here!
Death-Well, sire, you did turn the plumber inside out when he wouldn't negotiate rates...
Dracula-What am I supposed to do?! GO OUT THE WINDOW?! At least it would land in water I guess...
-Dracula scratches his chin.-
Dracula-Well? GET OUT! Gotta do my business then!
-Dracula walks over to the open window, turns around, jumps up on the frame, and begins to pull his pants down. Death and the other minions stare in bewilderment.-
Dracula-Waiting for a free show?! OUT! NOW!
Death-Uhhhh, my lord. There is also the matter of the small village on the outskirts of the cursed woods.
Dracula-Hey, just because we give something a fancy name doesn't mean it's 'cursed'. OoooooooOOOOOohhhhh! The cuuuuuuursed WOOOOOOOOOODS!
-Dracula wiggles his fingers and makes spooky noises.-
Death-Regardless, it threatens our expansion. What shall we do?
Dracula-Do whatever, I gotta smash one out...
-Death cringes and makes his way hastily out of the room and meets the other minions outside.-
Death-His evilness says to smash the village! Go!
-The demonic minions howl and make their way down the steps of the keep. Death cackles to himself but is interupted by Dracula yelling to him.-
Dracula-Hey! Can you get the mummy in here?!
Death-Why would you need the mum- oh god...
-Death shudders and gags a bit. The armies of Dracula begin to march through the forest towards the small village, where a still despondent Sonia sits outside the tavern in the pouring rain.-
Sonia-Stupid village. Stupid tavern. Wish it would all burn to the ground..
-Just at that moment, she looks up to see an entire army of undead soldiers, sword-wielding skeletons, mermen, vicious werewolves, giant stone golems, shotgun-toting hillbillies, and undescribable demonic creatures.-
Sonia-Like, are you guys having a party?
-The creatures look back and forth at eachother in confusion.-
Skeleton-Uhhhh, yeah. In... the... uhhhhh... village!
Merman-Totally! Can you tell us where it is?
Golem-SO WE CAN BURN IT TO DA GWOUND!
Skeleton-Hush! Hahaha! He's a kidder! He means, so we can host a bitchin' party to celebrate... something!
-The monsters all shush the golem. Sonia scratches her head.-
Sonia-That's cool I guess. Village is over there.
-The monsters rush into the direction of the village. Sonia still sits on the ground, confused. The Golem stops his charge and stomps back over to Sonia and looms over her menacingly.-
Golem-THANK YOU! HAVE A NICE DAY!
-The Golem pats Sonia on the head.-
-The Golem runs in the direction of the village. Sonia stands up and crosses her arms.-
Sonia-Wow, a party. Bet I wasn't invited. I hate life...
-Sonia begins to walk away as the village begins to go up in flames behind her. She arrives at her families' estate eventually, still soaking wet. Her father flings the door open as she arrives.-
Father-SONIA! My dear, thank GOD you are alright!
-Sonias' dad throws his arm around his drenched child. Her mother appears behind him, her eyes filled with tears.-
Mother-Oh, thank heavens you are still alive! We were so worried!
Sonia-Well I tripped again at the tavern, but it wasn't, like, life threatening or anything.
Father-You mean to tell me you haven't heard? The village was destroyed! There is still some kind of rock creature dancing in the fire as we speak! How much of a dullard are you?
Sonia-Wow, that party must have gotten way out of hand! Bet those costumed guys are real disappointed. Hope they're okay!
Father-Do me a favor, sweetie. Never reproduce.
Mother-The most important thing now, Sonia, is that your destiny has finally arrived!
Father-Over four hundred years ago, your ancestor, Leon Belmont, swore an oath to defeat the minions of the night if their dark lord were to ever rise again. Our family has been preparing all these centuries for this moment...
Sonia-Awesome! So you're going to like, go fight demons and stuff?!
-The father and mother look at each other and laugh.-
Father-Ahahahaha, oh precious! If I were to go, who would count all our money and eat all the tiny sandwiches?
Mother-And if I were to go, who would blow our family fortune on clothing and make the tiny sandwiches?
Father-Sorry, darling, but you're going to be the one going on this little adventure. So go suit up and save us poor, defenseless rich people!
Sonia-Shouldn't I have had some kind of training for this?
Mother-Oh it should be simple, my dear! I'm sure you'lll pick it right up!
Father-The butler has already put some ratty old chest in the hallway filled with Leon's old things. But please open it outside. Don't want dust all over the marble!
-Sonia frowns and storms into the hallway where the old chest is while her mother and father laugh and eat tiny sandwiches.-
Sonia-Sooooooo everything I need is in here? Wonder what Leon left me...
-Sonia pulls on the chest lid as hard as she can, but to no avail. She tried for over and hour but it was no use. She then realized it was locked with a giant, very visible keylock. After stomping on the lock and hitting it with various objects, the butler just gives her the key. FINALLY, after the chest is unlocked, inside are some clothes, daggers, a throwing axe, a cross, holy water, a whip, and a set of instructions.-
There is no telling what will be waiting for you in these hours to come. The Prince of Darkness has many minions, and his domain is a labyrinth of terror. You must keep your wits about you and trust in the power of our Lord to guide you. I have left these blessed objects behind to aid you in defeating the minions of hell. The whip has been blessed with the power to slay the vampire lord himself, and will repel any and all of his evil minions. Make sure the name Belmont spreads fear amongst the night. Good luck, and may God be with you.
Sonia-Wow...I didn't understand ANY of that!
-Sonia reaches into the chest and removes the clothing inside. Beautiful and intricate garments fit for a nobleman are folded neatly in her hands. Before she can admire them, she notices another small bundle underneath the clothes with a note attached.-
IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE A WOMAN...
-After a few moments, Sonia steps outside into the cold night. Barely wearing any armor whatsoever, and a tight, sleevless, green leather tunic which leaves very little to the imagination. She throws a coat over the nothing she is wearing and groans.-
Sonia-This is pathetic! How am I supposed to fight evil in THIS?! My legs, like, aren't even covered! Did Leon even bother to think how cold it get's in a vampire's castle?! Oh well, at least my boots finally match something...
-Sonia looks into the distance at the castle she gazed at earlier. She takes a deep breath, stands firmly, and takes her first step towards her big adventure.-
-Then falls right into a puddle...-
-TO BE CONTINUED-