Disclaimer: Twenty bucks won't buy them? Darn.

AN: I don't know where this came from. I know it's short, it was just a random thought. It's from Olivia's POV. Hope you like. Please R&R.

I'm still mad Mariska didn't win the Emmy. Oh well. She's still fabulous.

Love Butterz

At least, I thought I used to be beautiful. That’s what he told me every day. Every day for eight years. At first, I blushed and denied it. Then, I realized that it was very sweet. Then I knew it. I knew that he loved me. When I confronted him about it, he didn’t deny it. He knew I felt the same way.

I loved him, just like I used to be beautiful.

The words “I love you” or “you’re beautiful” haven’t been said to me in a while. Two years, eight months, three weeks, five days, eleven hours, forty-three minutes ago was the last time I heard them. It was the day when I let him go. He trusted me with his life, and I let them take it. But he forgave me.

I was forgiven, just like I loved him. Just like I used to be beautiful.

Every night, the final scene of his life played before like a movie. No detail was ever forgotten or rewritten. I remembered…

“He’s gonna die Olivia! I’m gonna kill him and there’s nothing you can do about it!” Hector Anthony, a convicted serial rapist and murderer, yelled as he pointed his gun to my partner, Elliot Stabler. Elliot had his gun drawn, and pointed at Hector. My gun was pointed at Hector as well.

“Drop the gun, Hector. We can both get out of this alive and you know it!” I tried to reason with him, but I knew it would get us nowhere.

“Shut the hell up! You drop your gun! Just face it, he’s gonna die!” Hector yelled again. I unconsciously took a step toward closer to Elliot. I needed to feel his presence. I needed to feel that he was still there.

“Don’t do it! You’re just gonna end up dead too!” I found myself on the verge of tears. Hold it together, Benson! I could feel Elliot’s eyes on me. The feeling of him watching me made me do something I didn’t think I’d do. I began to plead. “Don’t do it! Please…just don’t killed El!” I stifled a sob as my fingers began to shake on the trigger.

Hector just laughed, and took his shot. The instant the gun went off, I had fired mine, then I was down. Down by his side. He was gasping for his last breath. “Please! No…El, no! Don’t leave me…hold on baby please!” I sobbed as I cradled his large body in my arms. He looked up at me, sadness in his eyes. Blood was everywhere.

“Did anyone every tell you you’re beautiful?” he managed to whisper.

“You do, everyday.” I sobbed, kissing his forehead, cheeks, nose, lips. “I’m so sorry I broke my promise! I promised I’d keep you safe!”

“I love you.” he whispered his voice getting weaker still. “I forgive you.”

With that, he sighed. His eyes fluttered closed and those were the last words that Elliot Stabler, my partner in crime and in love, ever spoke to anyone.

I remembered, just like I was forgiven. Just like I loved him. Just like I used to be beautiful.

Staring into the mirror, I noticed how ugly I had become. My appearance hadn’t changed, but my mentality was completely different. I looked like a savage. My wild brown hair in a tangled mess. I reached forward to grab the hair brush from the counter in a futile attempt to make myself beautiful again. After two strokes in my mane of tangles, the brush became stuck.

Pulling and yanking, nearly ripping my hair out by the roots, I could not succeed in getting it out. Frustrated, I reached for the scissors in the drawer. Snipping away my hair, the brush fell to the floor. In ten minutes, my hair was boy-short. It was tacky, but I had seen worse.

Satisfied with my new look, I stumbled to the living room. My morning ritual began. I picked up the smiling picture of him. I gently pressed my lips to the cold glass, then set the picture face down on the table. I made the trek to the kitchen and pulled out a shot glass. I pulled out some of the liquor from the cabinet, not caring what it was. I poured a shot and downed it, then placed everything back.

Next, I opened the fridge and grabbed a water bottle. I downed the whole thing, save for a tiny bit at the bottom. To the cupboard I headed, and found my pill bottle. I dumped one antidepressant into my hand and gulped it down with my water. One day, this was going to kill me. But all I wanted was to be with my wonderful partner.

After sulking back into the living room, I plopped down on the couch and stared at the blank TV. After purging my mind of my usual morning thoughts, I turned on the TV and began to watch the news. It was just a normal day for me. As I watched the horrible stories on the news, I was reminded once again about how numb I was. But the thought quickly fled from my mind.

I felt.

I remembered.

I was forgiven.

I love him.

Just like I used to be beautiful.