This is a parody of the HSM 2 deleted song, “Humu Humu”. Anyone with the soundtrack or a younger sibling will know what I mean. And if you don’t know the song… loser.

Disclaimer: As delicious as Zac is, I don’t own him. Oh, or Harry. But he’s not yummy, so who wants him?

The second task of the Triwizard Tournament had ended hours ago, but Hermione still hadn’t come out of the lake. Harry and Ron huddled by the lake’s edge, anxious and worried about their friend. What had gone wrong with the task?!?!?

Suddenly, Hermione’s bushy head broke through the surface of the frigid water.

“OMG HERMIONE!!!!!!!” Ron shrieked, running toward her, falling on his face into the lake.

“What happened to you?” Harry asked.

“Oh… nothing,” replied Hermione, her face red as a “red lemon pie.” “Um… I just… uh… I don’t think I’m coming back to Hogwarts with you,” she finished in a rush.

Ron sat up in the lake, spitting out a piece of seaweed. “Why not?!?!?!?” he demanded of his girlfriend- I mean, friend who was a girl. But they would get married someday, right? Right?!?

“Well,” Hermione began, “I’ve decided to live among the merpeople for the rest of my life.”

Harry and Ron gaped at her. “That is such a Luna thing to say,” Harry finally commented.

“How would you know what Luna would say?” Ron scoffed. “You won’t even meet her until next year…”

Hermione giggled. “Don’t worry, guys, I’m not crazy!” she said, her hair wild and entangled with seaweed and her eyes wide with excitement.

“Riiiiiiiiiight…” muttered Harry.

“Really!” she insisted, sounding a bit more like her old Hermioneish self. “It’ll be absolutely fascinating! And besides,” she added, her face reddening even more, “I’ve found something down there that I could never find up here.” She glared at Ron pointedly.

“What, the giant squid?” asked Ron, oblivious as usual.

“NO!!!!!” Hermione screamed at her by now former love interest. “LOVE, YOU KUMQUAT!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ron was flabbergasted. “You fell in love with the giant squid?!?!?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” scoffed the buck-toothed bookworm. “He’s a merman.”

Harry was puzzled. “’Kumquat’?!” But he let it go to ponder Hermione’s choice of life partner. Trying to keep things as civil as possible, he decided not to yell at Hermione for being crazy and tried to find out more about her new man. “So… er… what’s he like?”

“He’s sooooooo dreamy,” replied Hermione, looking lovestruck. “Here, I’ll introduce you!” She stuck her head underwater and shrieked some unearthly noise to call her new boyfriend.

“Since when can you speak Mermish?” asked Ron, scowling with the newfound realization that he had been replaced by a fish. And not even a whole fish, but a mutant fish.

“Everyone who’s read Hogwarts, A History can speak Mermish,” Hermione explained. “Oooh, here he comes!!”

A rather ugly fishboy had just breached the surface. His skin was green and sickly looking, his long dark hair hung in strings around his scaly face, and his teeth were much worse than Austin Powers’. Overall, he much resembled a young Snape with the stomach flu and dental hygiene issues. Oh yeah, and a tail.

“Hi,” said Harry awkwardly to the fishboy. “Er… what’s your name?”

“Humuhumunukunukuapua’a,” croaked the merman.

“That means ‘Steve’ in Mermish,” Hermione explained to the dumbstruck boys. Just then, Ginny came traipsing down the lawn toward the spectacle unfolding in the lake.

“Um… hi, everyone,” Ginny began, staring at Hermione snogging the fishboy. “What’s going on?”

“What’s going on?” Ron repeated dangerously. “Ohh, I’ll tell you what’s going on…” And from out of nowhere, he pulled out a ukulele and, glowering, began to play a cheerful little island tune, while Hermione and Humuhumunukunukuapua’a… I mean, Steve, began to dance along.

Not so long ago, about ten feet away,

Lived the booklover Hermione, sang Ron,

She had hair like a bush, and she talked so much

That she was a pain in the hiney. (Hermione scowled at the scorned redhead.)

And despite all this,

She had one secret wish…

“OK Ronald, let me tell my own story now!” Hermione interrupted, and she began to sing.

I fell in love with a truly remarkable fish!

My sweet prince… And now Hermione began to sing in “Mermish”.

Humuhumunukunukuapua’a,

Maka hiki mala hini who,

Humuhumunukunukuapua’a, ooooooooooooh!!!

I wanna waka waka waka niki pu pu pu.

“AND WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?!?!?” screamed Ron, who, not having read Hogwarts, A History, did not speak Mermish. “DO YOU WANT TO HAVE UNDERWATER SEX WITH THIS GUY?!?”

“That’s not what it means!!” said Hermione, scandalized. “All it means is that we want to swim around in the lake together… and have underwater sex,” she added in an undertone. Before Ron could retort, she went on with the song.

Now Steve is a boy who is under a spell

That has left him all wet and scaly.

I sing from my heart with the power of love…

I’M HER MAN WITH THE UKULELE!! Ron cut in, trying to feel important. He strummed a chord on the Hawaiian instrument just to make his point. Hermione rolled her eyes and sang to Humu… Steve.

Come to me (Come to her, echoed Harry, trying to join in the fun.)

My sweet one, and be still.

I’ll grasp your tail, then stroke each tender gill!

Ron gasped, and then started trying to swim out far enough to strangle Steve. Hermione didn’t notice as she continued singing:

My sweet prince

Humuhumunukunukuapua’a,

Maka hiki mala hini who,

Humuhumunukunukuapua’a, ooooooooooooh!!!

I wanna waka waka waka niki pu pu pu.

This was too much for Ron, who was now doing his very best to beat up Steve. Unfortunately for him, Steve was a mermaid wrestling champion, and so was much stronger than this pre-Quidditch playing Ron. Harry took it upon himself to narrate the epic fight.

“This is where we get into the whole honor fighting thing,” he explained to Ginny.

Well Steve, he swung, and then Ronnie cried,

When he lost, he had a fit!

“Yeah, Harry, I can see that,” deadpanned Ginny, watching the fight unfold.

“Shut up, woman, and let me tell you what happened!” yelled Harry as he continued.

Ronnie jumped on Steve,

Who got really mad,

And he kicked Ron in the face!

KICKED ME IN THE FACE! Ron echoed happily.

Harry and Ginny looked really weirded out, so they did what any rational person would do in the situation: they began to rap about Steve.

St-st-st Stevie, St-stevie,

Come on, speakie, speakie, speakie,

Even though you can’t speak English!

St-st-st Stevie, St-stevie,

Come on, speakie, speakie, speakie!

Now words I will not mince, said Hermione sternly.

The two of you are worse than the Fresh Prince! Harry and Ginny hung their heads in shame.

“Here, listen to me speak Mermish!” said Hermione excitedly. She did a fairly bad impression of Dory’s whale talk for about half an hour, making Steve gaze at her lovingly and making Harry and Ginny cringe openly. Hermione’s Mermish actually inspired Steve to open his mouth and begin to sing:

I’m Prince Humuhumunukunukuapua’a,

Maka hiki mala hini who.

“EVERYBODY!” commanded Hermione, and Harry, Ginny, and Ron joined in the song.

Humuhumunukunukuapua’a, ooooooooooooh

Hermione finished,

I wanna waka waka waka niki pu pu pu.

Waka waka waka niki pu pu pu.

Waka waka waka niki pu!

Pu!

Puuuuuu!!!!

Yeah! Hermione stage-whispered, as Ron strummed a final chord on the ukulele.

“Oooookeaaaaay,” said Ginny, feeling distinctly awkward after being subjected to that spectacle. “Well, that explains a lot… I guess…” She raised one of her eyebrows.

Ron was still distraught over being replaced by a merman… especially one as ugly as Steve. “Waaaaaah!!!!” he cried, clinging to Harry, who, meanwhile, was trying to be a good friend to Hermione.

“Um, well, I hope you two are happy together,” he told Hermione and Steve, who both squealed and sank beneath the waves.

Ron glared at Harry. “Oh sure, take her side!” he yelled, storming away back to the castle. Ginny, meanwhile, was peering down to where Hermione and Steve had disappeared to.

“How long do you think they’ll last?” she asked Harry curiously.

“Oh, about as long as it takes Hermione to realize she can’t live without oxygen,” said Harry unconcernedly.

They stood there for about three minutes, waiting, and then Hermione’s body floated to the surface. Harry and Ginny stared at the corpse for about a minute, then Ginny turned to Harry and said, “Wanna go make out on the Astronomy Tower?”

“Meh, ok,” agreed Harry as the two linked arms and walked away from the lake.