Haseo’s Incredibly Insane Adventures

Chapter 7 – How to Save The World From Gomoras.

Life is a tea party for zombies, especially if the ones you’re having tea with are a bunch of zombies.

"Aaaaa." Azure Kite replied as he poured pretend tea into Haseo's tea cup. The gray haired teen didn't know if he should be disturbed by the fact that he was being tied down and made to participate in a tea party or by the fact that the AI was wearing nothing but a frilly pink apron.

"UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS AND FUCKING TOMATOES?" Azure Balmung shouted, making Haseo's hair antennas bounce around like a weather vane. Maybe that's what they were there for in the first place? Or maybe a GPS that alerts him to different things, like people standing in his blind spot and Endrance's location.

Actually, that’s what they were having as Azure Orca brought out a basket of breadsticks with tomato sauce.

"Don’t you know you're supposed to have bagels and muffins at a tea party!?" Haseo shouted, still bound to the chair. He then hopped up on the table in protest, then instantly regretted it as he happened to see down Kite's apron.

"Once…. I cooked bread in an electric oven." Azure Orca stated proudly, as if this wasn’t all some completely insane dream.

And then Haseo, err, Ryou woke up.

---------

"I like dense food. If I had to choose between a pastry and a muffin I’d definitely go with the muffin." Atoli replied as if anyone gave a damn. Apparently someone did, as Alkaid was actually listening to her, nodding her head every once in a while, or maybe she had just been nodding off.

"I'll give you a reward for wasting my time." Haseo said as he had been standing there listening to her for the past ten minutes, along with Alkaid, who actually didn’t seem to mind.

Then he shot her, but not without trying to look tough and cool by twirling his guns around in a showy fashion first.

"Even though you look like a 12 year old with toy guns from Toys R Us." Alkaid said because she had a tendency to be brutally forward like that.

And he shot her to. No one insults The Terror of Death. Even if he wasn’t the Terror of Death anymore and had actually become less of an ass then he used to be.

"Now you’re free, free from your horrible life..." Haseo said and walked off into the sunset.

Only to run right smack into Endrance.

"Haseo!" Endrance said with a voice like a horny angel. At least it’s better than sounding like a dying cow. Not that he does... or anyone else for that matter.

"I missed you!" Endrance squealed like a fangirl then gave the meaning of his existence the glomp of impending doom.

"Go roll a doughnut!" Haseo said as Endrance proceeded to further winkle his clothes.

"Don’t be haten..."

And before anything else could happen... "EVIL KITTY PSYCHO WAVE."
happened.

Only it was Cubia. Who cried out his attack as he shot a beam from...

Well, he shot a rainbow colored beam that was closer to a fluffy bunny rainbow cannon than an evil kitty psycho wave, but we let him name it that because we don’t want to upset him. When Cubia gets upset, that’s when the gomoras come out, and you know what happens then. That’s right, surprise tentacle rape.

"Awwwwwww nawwwwwwww." Cubia said in a strangely weird voice that carried a heavy accent to it. "Hasewwwwwoooo."

Haseo was now down to one HP even though he was standing in the middle of a now half destroyed town, which was slowly refreshing/fixing itself. Thank god for graphical refresh. It even puts your clothes back on so you don’t have to!

Before Haseo had a chance to back away, question further, or both, a figure appeared and slid down the hugeness of Cubia as if he were some gigantic playground side.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." The figure of the disco dance king, or was that queen now, appeared. Haseo, now filled with wtf-ness and a strange foreboding that someone else might come and molest him, stared with open mouthed disbelief. At least it wasn’t lozenge carrying zombies.

Innis, minus the beard his R1 self had, and apparently had also gotten a sex change, spoke in Cubia's place. I’d say something about being thankful, but... you'll see.

"." All in one breath. If AI’s needed to breathe in-between words that is.

The shock of suddenly appearing humanized avatars, and a now chibi Cubia the size of Endrance’s cat sitting on top of the disco kings head still seized Haseo's mind, making him commit suicide.

At least it was a good way to get away from them. Until he logged back in and was met face to face with them again.

"HUUUUURRRRRGH!" Haseo screamed as if he were having a heart attack.

"." Innis rambled into Haseo's face.

"GOD DAMMIT WHAT!?" Haseo screamed as he was about to rip the humanized avatar's head off. He... now a she, was more annoying then Atoli, and then he remembered who Innis's master was.

"Banana!" Innis said. He liked the way her voice echoed throughout the dome of Mac Anu.

And Haseo lost it. Lost the grip on his weapons that is. Ha. Then he picked up his guns and shot at her. 32 times.

Then he reloaded and shot her 32 more times for good measure.

He protect breaked but his avatar wasn’t around so he merely turned around and warped someplace else.

"Hasewwwwwoooo." Cubia cried as he crawled after the silver haired hero, now back in his Skull Fish Tree Root Tentacle Monster form, but since its R2 there is less Tree Root Tentacle action.

"Why are you following me?" Haseo questioned. He was tempted to shoot at him and even lifted one of his guns up to do so until Innis reappeared.

"Can’t find Cubia’s gomoras, and he neeeeeeeeeeds them!" Innis said, less hyperactive and more understandable this time around.

"...For what?" Haseo asked and wondered how he could lose them in the first place.

Cubia blushed heavily, Innis acted unphased. "Sexual adventures."

“...” Maybe he should have asked how instead.

Then he did the one thing he knew best. Shot Cubia…. in the eyes. All 18 of them!

I don’t know if that’s how many he has as Haseo just started shooting randomly, and if 32 bullets can’t hit them all then… he’d just have to reload and try again.

However, Cubia had no care for his own well being and was perfectly happy letting Haseo pierce him with his hot bullets, long scythe, or his huge sword as long as he would agree to find his Gomoras.

"No, you owe me 50 cents from two games ago." Haseo said, having had enough of pornographically poking Skull-Fish-Tree-Root-Tentacle-chan in strange new ways.

Cubia wouldn't take no for an answer so he did the only thing he knew how to do, other than being really creepy and going RAWR.

He pwned Haseo. In one hit. Smacking him, his coat hanger and his saucer plates down with a huge tentacle. It landed on top of him and suffocated him to death…or not…. as it only crushed half of his body, taking away his HP and leaving only 1 which radiated with a deadly red hue and pinged at him annoyingly.

"You're really starting to piss me off." Haseo cried, thought he was greatly thankful for the lack of molestation. As if he didn’t suffer through enough of that already.

And where the hell was his avatar when he needed him anyways?

----

"More tea?" Azure Kite, dressed in a pink apron asked the black clad figure seated at a small round table.

"With extra sugar, if you please." Skeith replied as he held out the red tea cup.

----

"Fine! I give! I'll help you find your gomoras!” Haseo shouted having been lifted up by a tentacle. It then warped itself around him, crushing the life out of him until he died or agreed, or died repeatedly until he agreed.

"Yaaaaaywww!!" Cubia cheered, not being able to say anything without a w. Just like how Skeith couldn't carry on a conversation that didn’t have involve him saying heh at least once.

Skull Fish Tree Root Tentacle-chan got so excited that he accidentally crushed Haseo to death. Again. After reviving him, and setting him gently back on the ground they got to work.

They looked high and low. Cubia looking high, as he got a nice vantage point from the top of Haseo’s head, because Cubia said it would be easier that way and Haseo didn’t want to die for the 3rd... or 4th time that day.

Haseo looked low, because emo people are always looking at the ground to begin with. Or maybe it was because the Weight of Destiny was on his head and it was so heavy that he was unable to lift his head up.

"Looking up too much makes you lose perspective anyways." Innis replied as he danced around beside them, practicing his latest disco dance moves. He had to get ready... because tonight... he was gonna party like it was nineteen ninety nine.

Even though he didn’t know what that meant. Though he did know he was up against Tarvos, who was an up and coming disco dancer, threatening to burn up the floor of Lumina Cloth with his smoking hot moves.

Back to the gomora hunt…. They hadn’t found anything yet, but Haseo did spy with his red eyes a man with a blue scarf. He was sitting by a tree petting a chim chim.

"OVEN!" Haseo cried, his hands mistyping the letters as he cried tears of joy.

Ovan stood up. Towering over them and looking imposing. Looking so cool yet horrible cute with a chim-chim on his head.

"Don’t tell me you want another item and don’t have the money." The gunner asked, as if Ovan would actually buy Haseo anything other than lies and letter A's.

"Uh... not exactly. I’m looking for gomoras." Haseo explained, though he wouldn’t mind getting a gift from the tall sexy gunner, as long as it wasn’t AIDA AIDS like last time.

Ovan pointed toward the side of the beast temple. Being in close proximity Haseo could see the plethora of gomoras suctioning at the wall as if they were like those sticky hands you’d throw only more dangerous.

"YEEEY!" Cubia cheered jumping from Haseo's head and transforming back to his Skull Fish Tree Root Tentacle mode.

And he sucked up the entirely of the beast temple. Maybe he was hungry to.

"As a prize, I have given you a new skill called ‘Kitty Kitty’." Innis said as pretty lights surrounded Haseo and then she tossed a handful of sparkles onto him.

"Uh..."

"It’s a dance skill for you to use when you challenge us in the disco ring!"

"But--"

"No! You don’t have to thank me!" Innis said as she disappeared in a technicolored light that blinded anyone who looked into it.

The light also transported Haseo to the Lumina Cloth battle arena which had a floor redesigned with those funky lighted disco tiles.

This marks Haseo’s second wtf moment.

“VISUALSHOCK!”

“SPEEDSHOCK!”

“SOUNDSHOCK!”

Tarvos, Skeith and Innis sounded off and did one of those power ranger/masked defenders of justice battle poses as they did so, pyrotechnics shooting off in the background.

"Now is the time to the 68000 degree heart of fire!" Yata, who loved these events and volunteered to be the judge, said excitedly as he pointed his unfolded fan toward Haseo.

"...No way am I doing something like that."

The three avatars pumped their fists and started to call out his name in encouragement.

"...Fine." Haseo said defeatedly. Then he used his dance skill, Kitty Kitty. Which... transformed him into a catboy.

Endrance squealed and jumped onto the dance floor, glomping Haseo. Then they did the tango, complete with rose in Endrance’s mouth.

Next was Tarvos, who danced the jitterbug.

Then Skeith with his sexy rendition of YMCA.

Ovan stepped up to break-dance with his barrel arm.

Last was Innis who torn it up with the awesomeness of ‘Staying Alive’.

"And the title of Disco King goes to..." Yata said as he unleashed the fury on his fan by unfolding it. "Innis!"

"YEY!" Innis cried in joy. Hearts, stars, and other assorted lucky charm shapes fell from the sky in all their pixilated glory as he did a victory dance.

"Second place goes to..." Yata continued when the dance and marshmallow shapes had stopped. "Tarvos."

"Thank Yew." Tarvos bowed.

"...And last place..." Yata gave a dramatic pause. "Kitty Haseo."

"..." Haseo was dumbstruck.

Skeith pouted, but not for long as he could use this as an excuse to molest his user. Not that he ever needed one in the first place.

And they all lived happily ever after having defeated the ebil forces that had threaded The World and Disco Dancing.

The End!