|Without You Darling
Author: RAWRxIMAxDINOSAUR PM
His body fills with that familiar liquid, the same one that had been numbing him for years. Drink after drink of golden poison to numb the memory of her, to numb his pain.Rated: Fiction T - English - Words: 5,888 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 1 - Published: 09-25-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3803677
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A pair of tired, sad blue eyes stares up at a marble encasement in the cemetery. He takes in the sight of the specially made, hand crafted small building, it would be a beautiful sight, if it was anywhere but here. Atop of the marble encasement there's a small statue of an angel that he didn't like. He wanted to get rid of it, but opted to leave it there if only to save an argument from his family later on.
It starts to rain, the blue sky clouds over with dark grey clouds mirroring his shitty mood. He pulls up a black umbrella to protect his expensive Armani suit from getting damp. Little rain droplets fall from the umbrella and a few hit his dark suit. He curses to himself, not really knowing why he cared.
In his hands is a large bouquet of red roses with the stems wrapped in clear plastic with red tissue paper around it. They're beautiful, perfect even. The petals on each and every rose is perfectly sculpted like the roses were picked out of God's garden, each is as red as the other, red as blood. There's a few buds on a couple of stems, they're a light pink colour as of now, but they'll soon open up to the red colour of blood.
He places the full, gorgeous bouquet of roses at the front of the encasement, watching with care that they were under the cover so they wouldn't get wet and die too quick. He steps back a few paces, just enough for him to be able to see the whole marble building. The red roses add a splash of colour to the white of the building, like blood tainting the perfect white building.
Several minutes pass as he stands still, silent and calm. It's almost dark now but he doesn't care. He doesn't care that he'll be late to dinner with his family, he doesn't care that his suit is drenched now, he doesn't care that he's been here for over an hour or that his leather shoes are covered in mud. All that matters is that he's here.
His phone rings, he cusses quite loud, wishing he'd turn it off so that he wouldn't be disturbed. He takes the small black flip phone out of his jacket pocket and looks at the caller ID. It's his dad, probably wondering where he is. He doesn't answer it, he turns it off and places it back in his pocket and returns to looking at the marble encasement.
Finally he gets sick of standing and he takes a seat on a near by bench only a metre more away then he had been standing. He wishes he could bring the seat closer, he feels bad that he can't. He can't stand being here and not being close enough so he gets up again and resumes his position on the grass standing in front of the building.
Another hour passes, the rain has stopped, it's dark and cold but he couldn't care less. He hears footsteps along the muddy ground. He doesn't turn around, he knows who it is, it's the only person who would know he's here. A hand places itself on his broad shoulder gently. He doesn't move it or even acknowledge it, he just lets it be there.
His best friend stands by his side, staring at the building just as he was doing. He moves forward and places a small (smaller then he'd brought) bouquet of white lilies along side the blood coloured roses then steps back along side him. The flowers mix together almost, pure white with blood red.
"It's time to go" His best friend says in a soft and low voice.
He shakes his head lightly. He doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to leave. Tears start to form in his beautiful blue eyes, but he doesn't want to cry, he will not allow himself to do that in front of his best friend. He furiously wipes at his eyes and takes in a deep breath; the scent of roses and lilies fills his nostrils.
Finally after one last look at the beautifully crafted marble encasement he turns around silently and makes his way to where he parked his car. His best friend follows him silently. He didn't want him to say anything, he didn't need him to say anything.
He makes it to his car and looks back at the encasement. From here you can still clearly make out what it says on the front wall of the building. His mind races over the words; he mouths them but can't form words to say them. In his head he says them over and over again.
Here lies the body of Kathryn Merteuil, daughter of Tiffany and William Merteuil, step-daughter of Edward Valmont and step-sister to Sebastian Valmont. May she rest in peace.
His blue eyes tore away from the beautiful encasement that held his only confidante, lover and sister. Her beautiful 18 year old porcelain like body will waste away inside her tomb, whilst he dreamt of better days in where she was still alive and they'd be together, just them like before, like always.
6 years later –
His body fills with that familiar liquid, the same one that had been numbing him for years. Drink after drink of golden poison to numb the memory of her, to numb his pain. He fills another glass full, gulping it all down as fast as he had the last. It burns on its way down but by now he's used to the sensation, in fact sometimes he likes it. He likes how it burns his throat to the point wherein he coughs and coughs until he can't breathe.
He feels his body go weak, his eyes want to sleep they want to shut and show him the darkness but he wants to stay awake and drink. If he sleeps she'll come to him like she has for the past 6 years in his dreams, sometimes he'll want her to come to him, most of the time it causes him to much pain to see her again and he wakes up in a cold sweat, pupils dilated and his mouth his dry and sore.
Tonight he does not want her to come. In his dreams she's still perfect in her fucked up way. She's as beautiful as ever with her long brown hair that felt like woven silk in his hands. Her emerald eyes always portray sadness when she sees him like she misses him. But one day she'll come to him and she'll be really fucked up. Her face will be rotted and crawling with insects and she'll be mostly bone, he doesn't want to see her like that, he doesn't want to see her all fucked up like he had the day she died.
Flashes of that night come back to him.
"Sebastian, oh Sebastian come back here!" She yells to him from the stairs as her boyfriend showers.
"Kathryn, please I have to go, I have a date"
"Please Bastian?" She pouts, she looks likes she's twelve again.
"I can't, I'm sorry. I'll come back and we'll talk okay?"
He leaves her standing at the stairs in her silk nightgown. She's angry at him for leaving her for some slut, he feels guilty but he was close to bagging this girl, plus Kathryn had what's-his-face jockstrap over tonight and whatever Kathryn wanted him for would be interrupted when her boy toy got out of the shower. So he left.
On his date he's uneasy. He feels a stabbing pain where his heart is. Sally or whatever her name was, was talking about her family, he couldn't have cared less. She noticed his attention else where and started to scream at him for not listening. He settled her down and she resumed talking, he resumed not listening.
Some minutes later just as their meals arrived, a gang of siren blaring trucks passed by the restaurant. Sebastian's heart immediately stopped. Something was wrong he could feel it. He excused himself from the table and left for the bathroom so he could call Kathryn. When he dialled her number it told him that this number was no longer in service. He found that strange.
He returned back to the table where Sally was sitting, playing with her food like one does when they're 5.
"I'm sorry Sally, but something has come up, I have to go" He says, apologizing insincerely and leaving before she can argue with him for leaving their date.
He races down the street in his jag, not caring if he gets a speeding ticket or if cops were chasing him or not. Something is definitely wrong. His phone starts ringing it buzzes in his pocket furiously. He hasn't time to pick it up before he reaches his house.
His house, it was in flames. Bright orange flames burning out from every window of his large townhouse as fire fighters tried desperately to save it. He immediately knew why he was uneasy. Kathryn, she's in there.
He pushed past a few fire fighters before someone stopped him going into the burning house.
"Hey, you can't go in there buddy" The man said.
"My sister…she's…oh fuck"
"Look, I can't let you go in there, but I'm about to go in there, I'll look for your sister. I can't promise anything"
The fire fighter ventured inside the house whilst he was shoved back behind the police tape. He watched the flames burn the house, it was as if watching a horror movie for him. He wanted her to be alright, he needed her to be alright. She just had to be.
"Help! I need help over here, we have a survivor!" Someone yelled.
His heart stopped beating, hoping, praying to god (even if he didn't believe) that it would be her. Then he saw her, it was her. She was lifted onto a bed by the ambulance, her body was covered in black and red marks from the fire, her face was scarred and burnt. Her usually long silky hair was ratty and mostly burnt off, she was unconscious.
"Kathryn!" He screamed as he ran towards her.
"Hey, I can't let you go there sir" A police man objected him.
"That's my sister, my fucking sister!"
He rushed past the policeman and a few other people who tried to stop him. He came to her side and touched her face, it felt horrible and dry as one's face would if it'd been badly burnt. His eyes started to let tears fall from them.
"Kathryn, don't die" He pleaded even though she couldn't hear him.
The ambulance men tried furiously to save her, but it was too late. It had been too late before they'd brought her out. He cried, his hand on hers. He'd never felt so pained before. Someone touched his shoulder, he turned around to find his best friend by his side, his eyes were letting tears fall from them too.
"Oh god Valmont. I'm so fucking sorry"
He didn't speak. He couldn't. She'd left him here, alone. To be alone. One never knows what it's like to be alone until you truly are left alone on this planet by yourself.
His eyes take over and they let him fall back onto his bed. They close slowly, adjusting to the darkness behind his blue eyes. At first he couldn't sleep, but as he lay there still the effects of the numerous amounts of alcohol overtook his body and he was pulled in by sleep.
Suddenly he felt awake, but he knew he wasn't when he saw her. There she was, just as she was every night. As beautiful as the night before when he'd want her to be there. Her face had not rotted, nor was she burnt like the day she'd died. She was pale and thin like he'd seen her so many times before. Her long, silky brown hair hung loosely like a curtain on her back.
Guilt washed over his body, guilt for not wanting her to come to him tonight. He'd always wanted her, always and that would never change. Even as she's dead, he still wants her. If he could have her he would.
"I'm sorry" He whispered to her.
She glides over to him like an angel. She doesn't have wings and she can't fly, but for some reason her steps seem to glide more then step. He watches each movement of her body carefully, taking in each piece of her body for a long time. She reaches his bed, he sits up to face her.
Tonight she's wearing one of her silk nightgowns. It's red, like the flowers he layed at her grave that day. The flowers that were blood red. He wants to rip of the nightgown from her pale skin, it's the colour of blood, he does not like it on her.
"It's okay. I know Sebastian. I know you're scared"
"I missed you though. Really I did" He tries to find some words to make up for not wanting her.
"I miss you all the time Sebastian"
She seems so much more at peace now. I suppose one would be if you're dead and up in heaven, except Kathryn is supposed to be in Hell, she's supposed to be the devil's child. Maybe that was just something he had made up in his mind about her. She was evil to him, every body part she had was drenched in evilness, or so he thought.
"How much tonight?" She asks bluntly, just as she used to.
"Enough" He replies.
She doesn't push for more answers. She knows he's hurting, she doesn't want him to hurt anymore. It hurts her to knows he's in so much pain. He shouldn't hurt anymore, it's not healthy to grieve for someone for 6 years.
"Bastian, you need to stop grieving, I'm gone"
"I know" He says, bringing her closer to him so she's now sitting in his lap.
"Look" She says, tracing the dark circles under his eyes. "You're a mess. I hate seeing you like this"
"I just miss you so much" He croaks, holding back the tears that want to burst out.
"I know Seb. I miss you a lot too"
"It hurts sometimes you know. It hurts most when I wake up and realise you're gone"
She nods her pretty little head at him and kisses his jaw. She smells like strawberries. Yesterday it was apples. He likes her smell better today. He takes in the sweet scent and closes his eyes. He wants to let go, but he can't. He feels like he owes it to her to not let go. He can't forget.
"I love you" He whispers in her ear.
He doesn't get a reply from her, but he knows she loves him too. If she didn't she wouldn't come back. She sits back so she can look at him. She thinks he looks horrible. Still handsome but not as handsome as he used to be. He's grown stubble on his jaw and he looks tired and sad all the time. She's not used to him looking like that. She hates it.
"I'm not coming back tomorrow Seb" She tells him.
"Why? Got a hot date?" He jokes in light humour.
She smiles, but he knows that's not why. She doesn't want to leave him, but it's time. It's time he let go of the past and move on. He can't be like this forever.
"This is hard. I want to stay Bastian, but I can't. It's time for me, for us to move on"
"Us? Where are you going?"
"It's a secret" She smirks, touching his full, pink mouth.
"Why can't I know?"
"Because he told me not to"
"He as in the bug guy?" He asks in shock.
He kisses her lips softly, tasting every bit of her. He wants her so bad, he never got the chance to have her now it's too late. They'd played so many games of teasing each other, they'd never gone all the way. Now, now she's gone and he's never going to know what it's like to have her, to be in her.
"I don't want you to go"
"I have to"
"Oh god Kathryn. I can't do this anymore. I fucking miss you"
"Stop being a pussy. You'll move on, you'll find some girl whom you'll love more than me"
"Why?" She quizzed him, taking a lock of his hair in her hands.
"Because I couldn't possibly love someone more than I love you"
Her heart really was ice now. He felt bad about saying that after he'd realised the hidden meaning. Her heart really was as cold as ice.
"Will you hate me if I move on?" He asks her, holding her close.
"Yes. For a little while. But I'll understand. As long as you never forget me Bastian"
"It's time now" She says, getting of his lap.
"Time for what?"
"For me to go"
He gets up, he's only in his boxers. He grabs her waist.
"Now? Oh fuck, I can't let you go"
"Yes you can. Never forget me Sebastian. I'll always miss you"
He steals a kiss from her lips that feel like ice now. He watches as she walks from his room. He runs after her but she's gone, she's disappeared into the night. He runs down the hall looking for her, several apartment owners that lived in the same building as he did yelled at him for being so loud.
"I love you" He whispers before miserably retreating back to his bedroom.
For weeks after that he fills his pain with drugs and alcohol and the occasional bedding of women. Never brunettes like Kathryn was, usually blonde sluts whom practically went down on all fours as soon as they saw him.
10 years later –
He's 34 now. It's been 10 years since he last saw Kathryn in a dream. At first he'd been scared he'd forget her, he'd tried drinking himself to death several times. He'd overdosed on pills a few times too.
But he never forgot her, he never will. He thinks of her often. He thinks of her most when he's at work taking pictures of models. One in particular reminds him of her. She's a brunette like Kathryn was, but her hair is a lighter shade by two or three. She's taller to, her legs are longer and her skin is tanned. Her eyes aren't that shade of emerald he loved, they're a light green with hints of blue in them.
She's so much like Kathryn in the way she looks. Also the way she acts. She has attitude. She's bitchy and flirty and dangerous if you cross her, just like Kathryn was. Kathryn wouldn't have liked her, only because she'd be threatened by her.
The model's name is Lucinda or Lucy as he called her. She's not dumb like most models were, she enjoyed reading a lot of the books he did. She wasn't a slut either. She never slept with him until they started dating and even then it was only after a few dates that he got to bed her.
She's absolutely gorgeous and perfect. He feels guilty sometimes when he thinks about Lucinda, about how pretty she is. But he knows Kathryn's better looking by far; he knows she'd know that. He could never think anyone was as beautiful as Kathryn.
He tells the model in front of him (A red headed air head) to take a break as he sees Lucinda walk in the door. She walks up to him and places a kiss on his lips softly. He returns a kiss, but it's deeper and more passionate than she'd given him. His hands get lost in her silky hair and for a second he thinks of Kathryn.
She knows all about Kathryn and his past with her. He'd told her after the first date. He had all these weird ways of acting with her. Sometimes he would go to kiss her and then stop and leave her. So he told her what had happened and how she reminded him of his dead step-sister/lover. She'd taken it as a compliment (not many people would have) and kissed his cheek, telling him she would wait until he was ready.
Lucinda takes his hand in her own and smiles up at him. He's truly happy with her, or as happy as he could be with anyone. But he does love Lucinda a lot, he loves her as much as was possible without loving her more than he loves Kathryn. Lucinda understands that he still loves Kathryn, she doesn't tell him he can't.
"I love you" Lucinda says, kissing his forehead.
He smiles at her lovingly. How he adored her, that's the reason he married her almost 7 years ago now. The wedding was beautiful, he'd imagined Kathryn standing by his side, smiling at him, wishing him well. He knew if she was alive he'd be marrying her instead, but that wasn't the case. So he had to think of Kathryn being there to be happy for him. He hoped she was. He hoped she wasn't angry.
"I love you too" He caresses her soft cheek with his left hand.
A giggling girl runs inside the factory where the photo shoot was being held. She was beautiful. She had long legs and shoulder length curly blonde hair with eyes like Lucinda. People always commented on the small girl's beauty.
"Kathryn!" He yelled.
The girl is his daughter. He named her after Kathryn, Lucinda had liked the idea of that. He hoped Kathryn wouldn't mind that he was borrowing her name. She did look a bit like Kathryn if you really looked for it. She had Kathryn's petite figure that he had always admired, she also had the ego of Kathryn which aggravated him a little.
"Daddy!" She screamed as she leapt into his arms in a such an un lady like manner that he had to laugh just a little.
"How are you today princess?" He says, stroking the girl's soft curls.
"Good daddy. Mommy took me shopping. I bought a new dress, do you like it?" She says, pointing down to the bright pink dress his daughter was wearing.
"Wow. That's an amazing dress princess"
Lucinda smiles at her family. She loves him so much and their daughter, how beautiful she was. She was going to break hearts one day soon. She could give her mother a run for her money in the modelling industry and she was only 6 years old.
"Are we visiting Aunt Kathryn today daddy? Mommy said we were"
His mood dropped a little, just thinking about her always did. He'd taken little Kathryn to Kathryn's grave many times. He told her stories about her, good ones of course (she's too young to know the naughty ones), about her public and her love towards him.
"Yes. In fact, why don't we go now?"
He could do that. He owned the place, he could leave with his family. They drove to the cemetery where she was buried. The walk to her grave was almost silent, he held onto little Kathryn's hand tightly, his wife's with the other hand. They walked in a perfect line to her grave.
There was a slight bit of moss on the side of the marble encasement, he wiped it off and stood back to admire the building. It looked as beautiful as the day he'd had it built for her. There were fresh flowers there, probably from his best friend whom often visited her.
Little Kathryn placed a large bouquet of blood red roses on the front of the encasement like he had done 16 years ago. She returned to her father's side. He told her a new story about her every time they visited, god knows there were a lot.
Lucinda gestured over to the bench not to far away from her grave, little Kathryn eagerly walked over there, knowing it was story time. Her parents followed suit and sat either side of her. He grabbed her hand like he did every time he told her a story about her.
"Let's see. I remember this one time" He started. "Aunt Kathryn and I were staying in Barcelona. We'd gone to a party, I'd lost her in the crowd. I was furious at her for leaving my side, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't see her. I eventually gave up and found some other company with a friend (Lucinda and him knew he was actually fucking a girl, but of course they couldn't say that to their daughter) and we went upstairs to talk" He paused and looked to her grave.
It's been a long time since he's seen her face. If he concentrates hard enough he can make out the outlines of her face, but never fully. He remembers her well, but he can never imagine her. Silky, brown hair, emerald green eyes and a fierce attitude, she was his, always his.
As he dragged on about the story the day grew into night. He finished eventually, his daughter still eagerly hanging on to every word like always. He waved goodbye to Kathryn's grave stupidly. He knew it was stupid but he had to or he'd feel guilty later for not saying goodbye. Little Kathryn said goodbye to the Aunt she never knew and followed her parents back to the limousine that awaited them.
He opened the door for his wife and child and let them in before he joined them. The limousine drove off into the darkness of the night. Little Kathryn snuggled up to her father's side, he stroked her golden hair. He mouthed 'I love you' to Lucinda, she mouthed it back.
She was never angry at him for missing her, never angry for visiting her, she couldn't be. He needed her like people needed drugs, she understood. Sometimes she'd visit her by herself, usually when little Kathryn was not with her. She'd talk to her, tell her things and then want answers to the puzzle that was him. She knew him, Lucinda knew him too, but not like she did. She'd sometimes wish she knew him better, like she did.
They came to their Park Avenue house. His daughter was asleep now, he carried her up to her bedroom and put her in bed, tucking her in and kissing her forehead. He stayed watching her sleep for a few moments. Little Kathryn was like her when she slept. Angelic, innocent and pure, all the things he knew she never was.
He came downstairs to the living area where Lucinda was seated on the couch. Her legs were cuddled up to herself, she looked young and he looked old. He sat down beside her, slinging an arm over her slender shoulders and kissing her temple softly. She smiled at his gesture.
"Seb" She said softly as they watched the fire burn.
It pained him to watch fires, he could sometimes see Kathryn's burnt body in the fire. How fucked up it was when he saw her, how she had been mutilated. He turned from the fire, the orange glow lighting the room just a little.
"I need to tell you something"
"What is it baby?"
His lips curled into a smile, he kissed his wife on the lips, deepening it after a few seconds. He loved her oh so much, it didn't hurt like it did to love Kathryn, but Lucinda was the antidote to loving Kathryn, she hurt to love, she felt good to love. If one hurt then the other healed. He needed her; he needed to have her in his life. He couldn't imagine it without her now.
"Baby, that's great"
"You don't mind? I mean I know you don't like kids that much and I just thought maybe you wouldn't want this one"
"No, I want this one. I'd have as many children as you'd want"
He treated her like he should have treated Kathryn. He made her feel loved 24/7; he made her feel like a princess. They lived in a castle, in the rich part of town, with maids and servants and drivers. She owned the latest in fashion and always looked the best. She deserved the best, she deserved this life.
"I love you so much Bastian"
"I love you too Lucy"
As his wife fell asleep in his arms late that night he felt pleased with himself about how things had turned out. He could be happier, but he was happy, he was content, he could live.
She appeared in the doorway, he saw her clearly. She still hadn't rotted, her face wasn't burnt, her body wasn't scarred. Her pale skin looked just as it did before the accident. She looked like an angel in the doorway. He couldn't help but gape.
"I'm happy for you Seb"
"Kathryn" Was all he managed to say.
"No really, I am. She's alright, I mean pretty at least. She's a model, but smart so I suppose she's alright"
"Jealous?" He smirked.
"A little" She said honestly.
"I miss you Kathryn. A lot. I named my kid after you? Have you seen her? She's beautiful, I can see you in her"
"I've seen her Sebastian, she is beautiful"
"You don't mind do you? That I called her after you?"
"Not at all"
"I tell her about you, you know. All the good things of course"
"I know, I watch you at my grave everyday"
"You do? Right you can see all. Sorry sometimes it's as if you're not dead, just gone away. Hating me somewhere exotic, soaking up the sun"
"I have to go Sebastian"
"Please stay a little longer? I've missed you so much. I want to know how're you're doing"
"I'm doing great. I found someone you know? He's amazing, not like you but he's good. I like him a lot"
"Don't be jealous. I'll always want you Seb"
"I'm happy for you" He said, smiling sincerely.
"I have to go now"
"Alright. I love you so much Kathryn. I wish you never died"
"Me too. I love you" She said as she disappeared into thin air.
"Bastian, who were you talking to?" Lucinda asked sleepily.
He thought about not telling her. But she understood. She always did. He could tell her he loved Kathryn more then he did her and she would understand, she wouldn't cry or argue, she'd know how he feels and know what he's thinking. She understands him and maybe that's why he adores her so much.
"Kathryn. I was talking to Kathryn" He smiles and kisses her temple.
Now he knows everything from here on in is going to be okay. He knows tomorrow he won't wake up in a cold sweat from having nightmares about her, he won't feel bad about loving someone else, he loves her too, more than Lucy, but she will know that already.
He's not going to wake up tomorrow and cry out because he misses her. She's happy, she's in a happier place, a better place. She's alright. Now he can live in peace with his family. He'll visit her, every day for as long as he can, always bringing bouquets of blood red roses. He'll bring little Kathryn for as long as she'll want to come with him, because she's loves her as much as he does.
Tonight he'll sleep with a smile on his handsome features. He won't look old and tired anymore, he'll be as handsome as before, his eyes will regain the last bit of glimmer they lost when she left him here. He'll be able to look at people at tell them about his notorious step-sister without choking on the memories of her.
He'll live with memories of her and him together, memories trapped in his head for all of eternity, or at least until he becomes senile. He's never going to forget her, he's always going to remember who she was, how she was and what she looked like. No matter how fucked up she'll look in his imagination, or how fucked up she really did look the night of the accident, he'll always remember her as she was at her best, perfect, fucked up Kathryn with beautiful pale skin and amazing emerald eyes.
He'll never let her go completely. He'll always remember her and always miss her but most of all he'll always love her no matter what.
His Kathryn. Only his. All His. He loves her with every bone in his fucked up body and she'll always know that for as long as she wants to know that. He hopes she always does.
Inside he knows she loved him too. Even if she's only said it once, he knows she's wanted to say it to him many times but he knows what she's like.
She loved him.
I hope you enjoyed my very first one shot. I don't want to sound up myself, but I think it's some great work, the greatest I've done maybe.