Crazy Crazy Mansion
By Hoogiman

Last time… on Crazy Crazy Mansion

Master Hand laughed sadistically as he picked up Young Link’s body and smeared it all over the pool of blood.

…

“Thanks for firing that cannonball to save us from Ash!” said Jigglypuff happily.

“But we didn’t fire any cannonballs,” laughed Marth, “It was…”

“Me,” cackled Pit, pointing two cannons at Jigglypuff, Marth, Kirby and Ganondorf.

Everyone gasped.

Chapter Nine

There were now only six legally sane smashers left alive, four of them had a cannon pointed at them by a cackling boy angel.

“Time to die!” cackled Pit, pointing his cannons at Jigglypuff, Marth, Kirby and Ganondorf.

“AAAAHHH!” screamed Jigglypuff, Marth, Kirby and Ganondorf.

“I thought angels were supposed to be nice!” cried Jigglypuff.

“Well… I’m not an angel…” laughed Pit evilly, pointing to his wings, “…these are fake!”

Pit dramatically ripped the wings off his back, not realising that the wings were actually real and they just caused him to kill himself.

“Yay!” said Jigglypuff, Marth, Kirby and Ganondorf at the body.

Jigglypuff walked up to Pit’s body, “Is there candy that will appear out of the body?”

A large splodge of blood oozed onto Jigglypuff’s face.

From the body.

“It’s blood!” cried Jigglypuff.

“That’s usually what happens with bodies that have had vital parts ripped out…” said Ganondorf, “…they bleed…”

“You lie!” cried Jigglypuff, “You’re not telling the truth! Tell me you’re not telling the truth!”

Jigglypuff tasted some of the blood. “Hmm… that tastes surprisingly similar to tomato sauce…”

Everybody else gasped.

“…and that’s strange… Pit’s body doesn’t seem to be there anymore,” inspected Jigglypuff.

Ganondorf got fatally shot by a cannon ball.

“…almost as if…” said Jigglypuff, shocked.

Marth’s body landed inches away from a pondering Jigglypuff.

“Pit lied about dying!” said Jigglypuff, outraged.

Kirby’s carcass fell up into the air and then landed inches away from Jigglypuff, impaled on a nail in the floor.

“I have to do something about this!” said Jigglypuff, shocked.

A cannon, several inches away pointed at Jigglypuff’s head.

“Too late,” laughed Pit manically.

Pit fired. As there were no cannonballs left, Jigglypuff was saved.

“AND NOW IS MY TIME TO AVENGE YOU,” grunted Jigglypuff, threateningly holding up a toaster.

“And how will you do that, exactly?” scoffed Pit.

“Let’s see!” said Jigglypuff happily, putting a blindfold on Pit.

“I love blindfolds! It’s like the circus!” said Pit in a Yiddish, childish manner.

Jigglypuff plugged in the toaster and shoved Pit’s face into it.

He burnt to his own demise.

“Yay for death from low voltage kitchen appliances!” said Jigglypuff.

Samus and King Dedede walked into the room, glaring angrily at Jigglypuff.

“Eek?” said Jigglypuff.

Pikachu scampered across the room to the safety of Mewtwo’s arms. “Everyone’s dead!” he cried, “There are only six people alive now!”

Mewtwo counted Marth, Kirby and Ganondorf’s bodies. “No silly,” he joked, “Three!”

Pikachu cried even harder.

Mewtwo chuckled. “Oh wait… I guess that’s not really helping…”

Pikachu sobbed. “And worst of all… all smash matches are now going to be between Snake, Samus, Crazy Hand, Master Hand, Bowser and King Dedede!”

“Well… we’re just going to have to put a stop to this!” said Mewtwo determined, loading a gun.

“Whose gun is that?” said Pikachu, disgusted.

“Certainly not mine,” said Mewtwo in a triumphant, heroic voice.

“Fox’s disembodied hand is still gripping on to the trigger,” said Pikachu, trying not to look.

…

“So?” said Mewtwo angrily.

“It’sdisgusting,” said Pikachu angrily, “Just like all disembodied hands.”

“I take offence to that!” said Crazy Hand, floating in the room, loaded with a rifle.

“AAH!” screamed Mewtwo and Pikachu.

“Now to shoot you!” said Crazy Hand, giggling insanely.

“Whose gun is that?” said Pikachu, disgusted.

“Um…” said Crazy Hand, “…not mine?”

“Fox’s disembodied hand is still gripping on to the trigger,” said Pikachu, trying not to look.

“You’re right… disembodied hands… kind of are evil…” assessed Crazy Hand.

“Yay!” cheered Mewtwo and Pikachu.

“But I’mstill going to kill you!” cackled Crazy Hand.

“Wait… I have telekinesis!” said Mewtwo excitedly.

“Yay!” cheered Pikachu.

Mewtwo used his telekinesis to shove Pikachu’s tuba down Crazy Hand’s throat, choking him to death.

“Yay!” said Mewtwo.

“My… tuba…” said Pikachu in disbelief.

“Don’t worry,” said Mewtwo, “You can still use it-”

Crazy Hand’s final action was to cough and splatter blood all over the tuba.

“NUUUEEZZZ!” screamed Pikachu.

“Fine then, I’ll play it,” said Mewtwo angrily, picking up the tuba.

Mewtwo put the mouthpiece in his mouth (DUH) and then blew, splattering blood all over Pikachu’s face.

“Hehehe!” said Mewtwo.

Pikachu was scarred for life, trembling with fear.

“Wait… I guess that didn’t help…” said Mewtwo.

“Kill the Pokemon…” said Samus lustfully, massaging King Dedede’s shoulders in a stimulating fashion, “I love it when you kill… small… innocent… creatures…”

“Okay…” said King Dedede in a low, suave voice, trying to impress, “I’ll kill her… and I’ll kill her… just for you!”

“Blindfold time!” said Jigglypuff happily, putting a blindfold on King Dedede.

“I love blindfolds! It’s like the circus!” said King Dedede in a Yiddish, childish manner.

Jigglypuff plugged in the toaster and shoved his face into it.

He burnt to his own demise.

“YOU KILLED MY LOVE!” screamed Samus, in despair.

“You inherit King Dedede’s forty billion dollar empire!” said some random will reader.

“Yay!” said Samus, shooting the guy to avoid continuity errors. “…actually… that’s the reason why I married him… he was worth ten billion more than Link… and now I’m freaking rich… …so now I’m not evil anymore!”

“Yay!” cheered Jigglypuff.

Bowser ran in wielding an axe. Samus shot him.

“I’m still evil!” laughed Samus evilly, “I just killed Bowser! Did you see?”

“Bowser was evil,” said Jigglypuff.

“I guess I’m not evil anymore!” said Samus cheerfully.

“Yay! Now to shoot the baddies!” said Jigglypuff.

“How can this be?!” said Master Hand angrily to Snake.

“We’re the only two left,” assessed Snake, “There were just too many of them, we’re all gone.”

“Well Snake, you’re going to have to kill them all, even if it kills you,” said Master Hand dramatically.

“Okay!” said Snake.

“We’re the only four alive?!” said Pikachu to Jigglypuff.

“Yep!” said Jigglypuff cheerfully, “And the only baddie left is Snake!”

“Take your positions,” ordered Samus to Pikachu, Jigglypuff and Mewtwo.

Snake ran in, firing blindly with four guns simultaneously at the smashers. Samus started to fire back with her rockets, only managing to slightly pierce the heavy body armour he was wearing. Mewtwo was using his telekinesis to try and lodge a viola through his spine but he could not penetrate the armour. Pikachu used Pit’s cannon to fire at Snake, knocking him down every time after he tried to stagger back up.

Jigglypuff stood there.

“Hahaha,” boasted Snake, “Your three attacks are a match for my four guns! You’ll never be able to kill me unless you give a fourth attack!”

“Hurry up and do something!” said Pikachu angrily.

“There’s no power points!” said Jigglypuff desperately.

“Don’t use that freaking toaster!” said Pikachu angrily.

“Fine!” said Jigglypuff angrily, throwing the toaster blindly.

It hit Snake in the face, his only weak spot. He died.

“Yay!” cheered Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Mewtwo and Samus.

…

Master Hand walked into the room, clapping in a sinister manner. “That was good, but you four are no match for my… super cannon machine of doom!”

Master Hand cackled evilly.

“Which operates on power points!” added Master Hand happily.

“There aren’t any power points left!” said Jigglypuff desperately.

“Charge!” screamed Pikachu.

Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Mewtwo and Samus charged towards Master Hand, mauling, eating and devouring his body.

….

“I guess that saga’s over!” said Jigglypuff happily.

“Yep,” said Pikachu.

…

“Hey sexy…” said Samus to Mewtwo.

“My net worth’s just half a billion,” said Mewtwo bluntly.

“Not worth my time,” said Samus angrily.

THE END

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If we missed any person in the story, that’s simply because they were on holiday to Lithuania!