Chapter 14: “The Hypocrites”

Alice said only one word as she passed me while walking back to the head of the column: “Seventy.” All accounted for. Alice nodded toward Malacoda and he once again prepared one of his nauseating portals for us. This time I kept my eyes closed. When we all had come out, I noticed that the smoke drifting upward from the seventh circle was just a bit thicker than it had been before, and the burning ashes that fell from the sky were just a bit more numerous. I turned around to witness a cloud of smoke completely obscure the walkway and all of the senators behind it. Visibility was becoming a problem. The odor was far worse than the previous ditch. I reached up to rub my eyes and was interrupted by Alice who said, “Try not to rub your eyes, it'll make the itchy, scratchy feeling even worse.” I walked back and took my place at the center of the column.

Malacoda led our column forwards and slightly downwards in silence. We all clung to the central portion of the walkway and resisted the temptation to walk over to the edge to peer over the wall of the stone walkway. It seemed Malacoda was waiting for Alice to give him his cue, but, for a while, that cue did not come. What was Alice waiting for?

After a few more minutes of trudging in silence, I finally heard Alice at the head of the column say to Malacoda, “Which one?” Malacoda looked over the edge on the left side and said, “Not yet.” A few minutes more of trudging and Malacoda finally stopped and led Alice to the left side of the stone walkway. Pointing, he said, “That one.”

“Have a look over the left side of the walkway. Down there among the shit-smeared shades you will see Jimmy Swaggert, recently arrived and reaping what he so richly deserves.” Alice pointed at the offender half-heartedly knowing that we would never be able to single out the famous televangelist from the rest of the hypocrites. “Care to give us the details, Malacoda?” Alice stepped backwards to give Malacoda her attention.

“As I've mentioned before, the second ditch is home to the hypocrites. These damned souls spend eternity stewing in a thick, oily excrement that spills forth from their mouths every time they open them to speak or even cough. The excrement burns the inside of their noses and gags their senses. They are covered in skin infections which are, of course, made far worse by being bathed in crap. They scratch and bite at their sores with a ferocious intensity, but there is no relief from the itch. The depth of the ditch is over their heads. The ones you see are the ones who make the effort to keep their heads above the shit. Below the surface out of sight are many more damned souls who have long since given up trying to keep their noses above the shit. Most of the swimmers you see are the new arrivals. Eventually, nearly everyone gives up and sinks below out of sight.” Malacoda paused for a moment to catch his breath. The odor of the ditch was not just a torture to its damned inhabitants. All of us on the stone walkways, even Malacoda, were close to retching from the vile fumes wafting upwards.

“I doubt if any of you will be able to pick Jimmy Swaggert out from the rest of the damned souls, but he's down there up against the wall directly to your left. He's a recent arrival and is here for using religion as a means of personal aggrandizement and enrichment. Swaggert is even more of a hypocrite than most of our inhabitants down there. He exposed the sexual affairs of two ministers while carrying on with prostitutes himself. One of the ministers he exposed was Jim Bakker who is also down in the ditch. Pride goeth before a fall. It wasn't long before Swaggert's own indiscretions were exposed. After the first scandal, the governing body of the Assemblies of God suspended Swaggert from broadcasting services for three months. Swaggert did not abide by the three-month suspension, and returned to broadcasting far sooner. The Assemblies of God responded by defrocking Swaggert. About three and a half years later, Swaggert was caught with another prostitute.”

Malacoda paused to catch his breath. It was apparent that even he was not immune to the fumes. We walked on in silence for a few minutes, and then Malacoda started again.

“Down there in the ditch, but not currently in view, is Jim Bakker who ended up here for pretty much the same reasons as Jimmy Swaggert. Bakker was convicted in 1989 on eight counts of mail fraud, 15 counts of wire fraud, and one count of conspiracy. He got 45 years in prison and a 500,000 fine. Two years later, a federal appeals court upheld his convictions, but reduced his prison sentence to 18 years and eliminated the fine. He got out on parole in 1993. Bakker had once been a preacher of what has come to be known as 'prosperity theology' in which material wealth is believed to be a sign that one is doing God's will. As of January 2008, Bakker still owes the IRS about six million dollars.”

Malacoda was grinning a bit as he finished that last sentence. Alice asked her inevitable question.

“Yup, we've got one U.S. president down here in this ditch. Bill Clinton, a recent arrival. He bought it on top of a short, rather plump, freckle-faced, red-haired prostitute who does fantasy calls. The tabloids reported that she was wearing a dark blue, pleated dress with a white apron. They also reported she was wearing green contact lenses. The press had a field day with that. He pretended to be a friend of working people while running one of the most pro-business administrations in U.S. history. He repeatedly screwed working people over with his free trade policies and his welfare reform. Bill Clinton is not your classic hypocrite, but this is one of those cases in which the punishment in this ditch seemed so appropriate that the damned soul was assigned here. Minos is quite flexible in his sentencing guidelines. He does not always place a damned soul in the circle or ditch that would seem logical. Minos believes in the poesy of judgment. We demons regard him as a genius.”

Senator Kennedy eyed Alice suspiciously which prompted an immediate outburst on her part: “Don't look at me! I didn't do it!” Alice seemed to shrink from embarrassment. Who would have known that America's “first black president” had a hidden fantasy about America's top terrorist?

Malacoda looked around to gauge the well-being of Alice's party. “I take you are all quite prepared to move on? I, for one, am most eager to leave this place. Even demons are not immune to odors.”

“Most eager to move on,” said Alice, her face still showing a bit of impossible red.

Malacoda conjured up another portal and we all lined up. “Down the rabbit hole,” said Alice.

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End of Chapter 14

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the copyrights. The original “Inferno” was written, of course, by Dante.