DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER. IF I DID I WOULDN'T BE WRITING FAN FIC ABOUT IT NOW WOULD I? :0)

Peace of Mind

I’d die inside, without you.

I rolled over to my side. I thought of her. My love, my darling. She was love captured, love renowned, yet our under cover romance could not withstand. I was tired of hiding how I felt. I wanted the world to know. Yet, she didn’t feel comfortable letting her friends know. She didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Or so she said. She didn’t want to make a commitment. She didn’t feel right with me. She didn’t love the way I truly loved her. I was her toy. Something she used to get what she wanted. I remember the first time we were close, together as only lovers could be

She felt warm, and relenting, melting in my arms, driving my passion higher, and higher, until I felt like I was going to explode. Our bodies entwined as her face gradually grew a deeper shade of scarlet. Moving my hand from her breast, I touched her cheek, pausing to stare at her beauty, before capturing her mouth in my own. While I continued my base rhythm, my left hand explored her torso, feeling her taught stomach, with its silk like skin, while my right entwined in her thick brown hair. As things sped up, I felt my self drift away, loosing touch with what I was doing. I heard gasps beneath me, and felt the heat emancipating from us. I shuddered violently, and rolled over to the left, gasping for air, long since I had forgotten.

Once I had regained my breath, I rolled over; glancing at the one I called my own. Her hair was strewn across her face, and her breathing was shallow. She looked beautiful. She looked happy, yet with a slightly troubled structure. I assumed it was natural. Ignoring it, I engulfed her in my arms, holding her to my chest. Grinning, I muffled into her hair.

“I love you. I love you so much. You are mine, Miss Hermione Granger”

How can I be brave enough to say goodbye?

I had made a decision last night, why I suffered a sleepless night. I had to let her know. I had to tell her. Walking past the Entrance Hall, I glanced outside, at the large oak tree. So many memories were held in that spot. The first time we kissed, and how out of nerves Hermione bit my tongue. I laughed as I remember her embarrassment, and her feeble attempt to run away, and how I pulled her back into my lap, kissing her passionately. That kiss was magnificent. She calmed down, and eased into the gentle embrace, proving herself to be a fantastic kisser. As I walked into the Great Hall, the time we carved our names into that Oak flashed by. It was so cliché, so pathetic and juvenile, but I felt that was the strongest connection we had made. Of course the heart was hidden. Everything was hidden. Our relationship was based on lies, on deceit. I never felt right in hiding what was supposed to be a marvellous union; however I respected her wishes to keep things quiet for a while. I understand, and wanted to make her happy, make sure she was okay with everything. That was my flaw; I let her control things to how she wanted it. No compromising, no understanding, just out right what Hermione wanted. The thought angered me, and I accidentally flicked porridge on the table. Just as I was wiping it up, a bush of brown hair entered my vision. Hermione sat opposite me, with what seemed like a plain expression on her face.

“Hello, Cedric. How are you?” She chortled. It was our morning ritual to talk this way, subtly organising where we should meet that day.

Stiffly I replied, “I’m fine, Hermione. Yourself?”

“Oh smashing really, getting stressed about the up coming third task. I mean all the spells I’ve been helping Harry with. Poor Ron was nearly knocked out”

My jaw clenched, and I tried to remain calm. Sure, she would help Harry, devote time to him, yet never assisted, or even offered to help me. Alright, I’m in my 6th year, but an offer at least would be nice.

“Uh…Cedric…are you sure you’re okay?” Hermione was peering at me, a look of concern on her face. My expression must have appeared glazed.

“I’m fine. Nothing to worry about. Say, I was hoping we might be able to chat today. In our regular spot. Talk about the tournament, and maybe some other things.” I felt wrong misconstruing what I really meant. I always felt in the wrong. I always feel guilty.

A broad grin grew on Hermione’s face. “Why certainly, it’s always nice to have a little chat. Any particular time?”

“No, well, whenever you’re ready. Just come and find me. I have two frees after lunch, so if you’re free then, it would be perfect.”

She smirked, turning her flirty gaze at me. “That’s perfect. I’ll, uh, see you then”

“Yeah, see you then.”

She winked, and walked off. Her arse was fantastic, and always moved seamlessly when she walked. I turned back to my half eaten breakfast. Somehow, I had just lost my appetite.

Look at me and prove me wrong, I’ve been through this to make me strong.

It was 2.36. My palms were sweating, and I felt sick. I didn’t know if what I was doing was right, I didn’t know what I was doing full stop. I caught up with Hermione at lunch, and she said to meet her here at quarter past two. I was starting to worry. If she didn’t get here soon, I might loose the nerve.

I sat down with my back against the oak, revising everything I planned to say. It seemed perfect in my head. No fight, no struggle. Just and understanding, her swearing that I was the only one, promising to let our love be known, and planning to devote more time to us. I knew it was fools hope, but it was hope all the same.

I heard feet pad across the grass behind me. Standing up, I looked down into those round brown eyes, and the expression of mixed emotions. The expression of half loath, half love, and the expression she always wore.

“Sorry I’m late. Lavender held me up. I made up some excuse that I had to go help Harry. Actually, it’s not an excuse, I do have to help Harry, except not for another half and hour.” She smiled, expecting me to say it was okay, to hug her and smile back. Half of me wanted to do that, and if it wasn’t for the anger I felt, that half would have won.

“You planned to see Harry after me? Planned to cut our time short? Jesus, Hermione! I haven’t seen you for more than ten minutes over the past month? What is going on? What happened? Don’t you think that it would be nice to spend a few hours with each other, just to feel each others warmth, and feel like couples should? Or is that too exposing for your liking?”

Hermione looked taken aback, and I realised my fists we clenched. I didn’t care.

“Wha-? Why? Cedric, I’m confused? I-I…do have other obligations than you.”

“OBLIGATION? IS THAT WHAT YOU SEE ME AS? AN OBLIGATION?”

I stormed around the tree, punching the thick oak. I wanted my hand to sink right through, to put a hole in the tree, like the hole in my heart.

I looked at my feet, “Hermione, I can’t do this anymore.”

“What –What do you mean? You can’t DO this anymore?”

“Just that. I can’t do this anymore. Partly because I don’t even know what “this”: is. What are we Hermione? Are we a couple, in a relationship? Or are we friends with benefits? I don’t know anymore. I never see you. You are always with Harry. Always. You don’t feel for me the way you do about him. I can see it now. You have always put him before me. You always have a glazed look when we are together, when we are…” I paused, taking a breath to try to hold back the tears. Turning to face Hermione, I unfolded my arms, allowing them to dangle at my side.

“Look, for my peace of mind, all I want to know is, do you love me?”

“Well, Cedric, of course I do you know that,” Hermione smiled, a patronising look as if I was a child. I noticed her eyes had been averted when she said that.

“Look me in the eye, and tell me you love me. Look me in the eye and tell me you want to be with me. Look me in the eye and tell me we can spread our love, letting the world know.”

Hermione paused, looking conflicted. I could see the clogs working in her mind. She was trying to find a loop hole, trying to find an escape. Except this time, there was none.

“Cedric, I-I…” Her eyes filled with tears, and she hugged herself. It was with those subtle changes that I knew the answer.

“No, don’t say anymore. I know the answer.” I struggled to give a weak smile, let alone look at her.

“I –Cedric, I’m so sorry.” Hermione was crying, and I felt the instant need to comfort her. I moved my arms in a weird way of trying to, before I realised it wasn’t me she wanted comforting from.

“Well…I guess that’s it then. You- you should go help Harry. After all, the Third task is soon.” She nodded, paused as if she was to say something, then walked off. Silent, sombre, she was gone.

Tears streamed down my face, and I felt like such a fool. I walked back to the Oak tree, which held so many memories.

With my hand I traced the etched markings, which we seemed to have made a lifetime ago. I buried my head in my hands, trying to stifle my tears. The words we had written burned in my head.

Hermione Granger loves Cedric Diggory, forever, and always.

Can’t you see it’s hard enough to walk away?

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