Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in Phoenix Wright, nor do I own any other part of it and there is definitely no profit being made.

A/N:

I have to admit that this is the first story I have ever bothered planning. No joke. I actually sat down and thought about where I wanted it to go instead of going with the flow. I even took the time to type up all my thoughts and random writing doodles so I couldn't forget.

Warning: Really OOC Phoenix, but don't worry, I haven't gone mad and it's not permanent; there is a plausible reason.

Big, huge, gigantic thanks to my betas ShivaSan and Tarma Hartley for their fantastic help and expertise and letting me pester them with all my silly work! They're great and fantastic writers. Go check out their work and you'll see what I mean ;)

Edit: After a looking over from my co-author ShivaSan and new beta KingMobUk there's been a few edits :)

Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
-Chapter1-
N o t A P i m p, S i m p l y T a k e n

The stuffy and slightly depressing room was slowly taking its toll on Miles Edgeworth's patience. Not that depression was something Miles wasn't used to by now – on the contrary, it seemed to rear its ugly head at him every time he so much as twitched out of place. No, it was more that he was suffering from nothing but meaningless thoughts for no reason what-so-bloody-ever.

He was currently sitting on a chair that persistently rocked from one side to the other, reminding him of one of those poorly looked after plastic structures one would find in a school, from which some witty student would have taken the time to lovingly remove some height from one of the legs. The noise that each tap of the wonky legs made on the cheap laminate flooring was also one of discontentment, and to top it off, the clashing red and green colours of the walls were starting to give him a migraine.

How his fellow prosecutor could stand sitting in such a mismatched office with random pieces of furniture for most of the day – if not twenty-four-seven if she had the same workaholic attitude that he possessed – completely went over his head.

And they say prosecutors always have a pleasant, rich sense of style, Miles thought, his arms crossed over his chest, tapping his finger purely out of habit. He always suspected he was one of the gifted few who had style, and this confirmed it.

Why am I here again?

…Ah, yes. That persistent woman and her urgent appointment.

Suddenly, the door was thrown open, and a petite, dark-haired woman appeared in the doorway, seemingly pretty out of breath. She was wearing a pinstriped pencil skirt and a plain white shirt, with her straight, mid-length hair falling neatly onto her shoulders. It would have looked like a normal outfit, if it weren't for the extremely weird, green velvet jacket she decided to wear with it. She bustled over to her desk and dropped a pile of documents down onto its surface, before turning around to face the cold glare Miles was giving her. She snickered nervously, biting her lip.

"Looks like I'm a bit late, whoops."

All she received for an answer was a frown.

She laughed again, this time not nervous, but thoroughly amused, and walked around the birch wood desk to take a seat in a brown swivel chair.

Yet another décor mistake, Miles noted.

"Geez, Miles, lighten up! As much as I love that handsome face of yours, and no matter how much it makes me laugh, you'll get premature wrinkles."

Miles rolled his eyes. "I've been waiting here for over twenty minutes, Everett," he replied hotly, ignoring the amusement on his colleague's face and the obvious compliment. "Effectively, your careless manner and lack of apology show that you don't care that I have an appointment with someone in five minutes."

She waved her hand as if to swat away what Miles had just stated. "You liar! I know for a fact that you have the next hour completely free." She kicked off her shoes and began stuffing random files into desk drawers. "And how many times do I have to tell you that it's Kath, not 'Everett'." She seemed to pull a slightly disgusted face at the last name reference, although it could have been at an old document with a massive coffee ring stain on the front.

Miles sighed as he watched her relentless way of stuffing way too many files into one drawer so it wouldn't close. "The point is, I could have had an appointment, and your extremely-important-must-not-miss meeting with me should really have been top priority, considering you've spent the whole week trying to get it."

At least she has the decency to blush slightly.

"You do have a point, there," Kath responded, smiling, her flushed cheeks pressed into little dimples. "I'm sorry for being late, Miles." She pushed back from her desk, still on her chair, and came around to sit directly in front of Miles, resting her chin on her hand.

Miles relaxed slightly and nodded in acceptance of the late apology. There was a short silence before he interrupted her staring with a small cough and a simple word. "Well…?"

"Ah, right, yes!" She quickly fell out of a daydream, slightly startled, and dropped her dozy look.

She seemed way too scatterbrained and easily distracted at this moment in time for Miles' taste. He could tell this was going to be troublesome. Yes, he already knew exactly what she was going to ask him, and it wasn't good.

"Look, Kath." Miles cringed inside at having to refer to a colleague on first-name basis. "It's not that I don't appreciate this whole effort-"

"Please, let me speak," Kath interrupted quickly. "I've been trying to get you to come to my office all week now, and I really do need to discuss something important with you." She started to slightly blush again.

Miles was about to respond, but quickly decided against it. That blush was a signal to leave as quickly as possible before the excuses would have to come. He calmly got up off his chair and walked over to exit the nauseating situation that he knew was coming.

"Huh?" Kath questioned, also getting up from her seat. "W-wait, what are you doing?"

Miles shook his head as he continued down the corridor in silence towards his own office.

"Miles! Hey, Miles Edgeworth!"

Don't follow me, just please don't follow me.

As he turned the handle on the door to his office, he suddenly felt a grip on his shoulder, making him turn to look at the dark-haired woman again.

Perhaps she hasn't quite got the message.

Miles just gave her a look of 'Do I know you?' and proceeded to open the door. He glanced around at his neatly stacked shelves, well-polished surfaces and plush sofa – this was more like it, and certainly a lot more stylish. He took in a breath of nice, book-scented air, before walking over to his desk to sit down.

Kath just stood at the entrance, mouth hanging slightly open, apparently shocked by the hostility she was being faced with. She frowned ever-so-slightly, but quickly laughed it off.

"Aww, Miles, all I wanted to do was ask you one little question," she said, before walking over to where Miles was stacking folders that had already been sorted.

Is it really that hard for her to understand that I'm not interested?

Looks like bluntness is the only option…

He slammed his hand down on the desk as if he were making an objection in court. "Evere… Kath, I'm really not interested in your questions at this moment in time."

She was the third woman this month that had attempted to 'ask him one little question' and, frankly, it was starting to grate on his already torn nerves. Miles was really not flattered by all his fans at the prosecution offices. Why did people have to keep interfering with his work? Was it so hard to understand that he wasn't interested in women and the whole 'relationship' thing?

What was worse, Miles' hard-to-get attitude just added to the amount of attention he got from the female masses. He honestly didn't understand why they seemed to drape themselves over him every time he desperately attempted to squash their dreams. Also, the fact that he had never been in a proper relationship made them all the keener with whispers of 'How cute!' and 'He's so pure -sigh-' following him in the corridors.

He didn't ask God to bestow upon him all the depression and misery in his life, and he certainly didn't ask for women to be attracted to him. He already had enough problems as it was.

"Listen," Kath said suddenly, snapping him out of his thoughts. She leaned over the desk with one arm and put the other on Miles' shoulder, making him stiffen in annoyance. "Seeing as though you're just being difficult – and I have to admit you have most definitely earned that hard-to-get reputation – I'll cut straight to the chase."

She leaned in slightly further, making Miles lean further back into his chair. "I like you and your attitude, looks and… everything! I was wondering…" The same blush from before crept up onto her cheeks. "Do you want to go on a date?"

Miles inwardly sighed. So much for getting rid of the awkward excuse moment.

He paused for a second before answering in a flat voice, "Look, I'm flattered, but… I'm really sorry, but I can't. You see, I'm…"

Father to six children? A workaholic? Asexual? Secretly a woman in men's clothing? HIV positive? Heterophobic? Going to die of cancer in six months? About to kill you? On probation? A rapist? A pimp? Moving to the Himalayas and never coming back?

"…taken. Sorry, Kath, I'm already taken." On second thought, Miles decided the previous ideas may have been a bit over the top.

Kath's eyes visibly bulged slightly, but otherwise, she remained unaffected and continued her cheeky smile, before winking and whispering into his ear, "Come on, Miles, we both know that isn't true."

He quickly pushed himself up from his seat, dropping Kath's hand from his shoulder in the process, and walked back around his desk to face her.

This is going to require a lot of good bluffing.

"Everett, I really am taken." Liar… "Which is the only reason I seriously can't go on a date with you." Liar. "I really admire you and you're a great person, but I already have someone." Liar! "It's the real reason I haven't been dating anyone." Even Wright could have bluffed that better!

He cleared his slowly drying throat and tried to calm his thoughts. Lying was not something Miles relished. He detested lies, but these would surely ease the pain. He mentally told himself over and over again: the only reason for being such a coward was that he definitely didn't want a repeat of last time. That would be bad.

The previous woman had had a mental breakdown from being rejected so bluntly and was now currently going to visit a shrink once a week. Maybe it was mainly because she was a complete lunatic, but Miles really didn't want to risk that again. He would do anything, absolutely anything, to stop that event from happening again. Seeing a person suffer a nervous collapse in front of him was one of the worst things Miles had ever witnessed, only second-best to thinking he'd killed his own father. Those nightmares had almost earned him a spot in the nearest mental institute. In fact, they most definitely would have if it weren't for Wright…

Kath laughed, snapping him out of his thoughts again.

Damn, I really need to stop doing that so often…

"Miles, you're such a joker!" She punched him playfully on the arm.

Maybe those other more radical excuses were a better option, after all…

"No, I'm being serious," he replied weakly, rubbing his arm in a protective way. Physical contact did not go down well with Miles. He took a step back from Kath and leaned against the bookcase with a slight 'You just violated my personal space' look.

She rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Come off it already! What kind of person would you ever allow close to you? I've heard all the gossip; you've never been in a relationship and you aren't planning on being in one either."

She knows I'm not interested in a relationship? Then what the hell is this damned woman doing here?

Miles frowned slightly but decided to keep up the act. "I don't know what you mean. We're both very happy together and I think it's going to last a very long time."

Well, at least until you decide to leave me alone.

"Miles, just stop it with the whole 'I've got a girlfriend' crap," Kath snapped, going to sit down on Miles' couch. "I'd be your perfect option at the moment, seeing as I'm leaving for Italy in exactly a month. I just thought you could use some fun to yank that stick from up your ass."

Miles blinked. This woman was definitely one of a kind, and definitely a weird kind at that.

"Stick up my ass?" Miles crossed his arms. "Just be glad I get that enough from my acquaintances that I don't take any offence from it."

"Acquaintances? Don't you mean friends?"

Miles sighed wearily and leaned his head back against the bookcase. "Just… just go, Everett."

"No, Miles," she insisted, a hint of seriousness in her voice. "You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You're constantly pushing people away and you're really not helping with the whole Demon Prosecutor reputation you used to have." She smiled. "You do know we've all tried to forget those stupid accusations, right?"

Miles gave her a cold glare. "I have all the people I need in my life already." Images of his childhood friends Wright and Larry, along with a glimpse of Detective Gumshoe, came flooding into his mind. These were soon followed by his sister, and even Maya Fey, who he'd helped recently for the sake of Wright.

A small and rare smile graced his lips as he continued in a calm voice, "Kath, you are wrong. I'm not lonely and I haven't been in years." Not since Wright reentered my life, at least. "Please, just leave. I'm not interested in dating you."

She was about to reply when they heard a small knock and the door of the office creaked open shyly. "Edgeworth? Are you in?"

Speak of the spiky-haired devil…

Miles sighed with relief, earning him a weird glance from Kath.

"Yes, Wright, do come in."

Phoenix entered the room and spotted Miles leaning against the bookcase. A smirk appeared on his face as he walked over with a confident stride and raised his hands in mock welcome.

"Hey, honey, I'm home!"

Christ, Wright is such a sarcastic jerk. I'm not in my office so much that it could be referred to as my home…

Wait… Oh, please say he did not just say that…

Please say he did not just call me 'honey'!

Miles' mouth fell open as he realized how Kath could have interpreted what Phoenix had just said. He tried desperately to form words to explain the situation, but all that came out was, "You… h… w… mnph?"

Phoenix rolled his eyes, obviously not registering the fact that there was another person in the room. He crossed his arms and leaned against the bookcase next to Miles.

"Oh, come on, Edgeworth, it wasn't that bad. From the look on your face, it's almost as if I'd called you 'pumpkin' like before in the defence lobby."

"Wright! Shut up!" Miles managed to hiss as he clenched his fists at his side. He gave Phoenix a death glare and tipped his head towards Kath.

"…Huh?" Phoenix looked at Miles blankly, before turning to face in the direction he was indicating.

Kath was still sitting on the magenta couch, staring straight at Phoenix. Her eyes were open so wide, it looked as if they would just fall out of their sockets, and her hands were clasping her skirt in amazement.

Oh, please say she knows it was just a joke…

Christ, I did refer to my pretend partner as a girlfriend, didn't I?

Didn't I?

Miles tried to explain. "Evere… Kath, it really isn't what you thi-"

"Oh, hey! Didn't see you there," Phoenix interrupted. He obviously thought that Miles had just hissed at him because he was being rude for ignoring his guest, and so he stepped over to where Kath was sitting and held out a hand. "I'm Phoenix Wright, defence attorney. Nice to meet you…?"

Kath stared at him with a dazed look for a few seconds, before taking his hand and letting out a croaked and quiet, "Everett. Kath Everett… Prosecuting attorney."

"Nice to meet you, Miss Everett." He smiled at her and dropped her hand, before turning back around to Miles. "Hey, since when have you been so sociable with your fellow prosecutors?"

Miles gave Phoenix a piercing look in an attempt to send his desperate thoughts telepathically. Unfortunately, it looked as though that wasn't going to work.

"She was merely enquiring if I would like to join her for a meal," he explained, haughtily.

"Oh, sure, I get it," Phoenix cooed melodramatically. "And I thought I was the only one for you!" He raised his hand to his head in apparent distress.

Miles looked at him in disgust.

You just have to keep pushing it, don't you?

You pathetic excuse for a genius…

What the hell's wrong with him, anyway? He's acting kind of strange…

Miles sighed loudly. "Will you just shut that loud mouth of yours for one damned second and let me explain the situation?"

"Mr. Wright, Miles really wasn't doing anything of the sort," Kath spoke up, waving her hands nervously and giving him wide, sorry eyes.

"What a relief. Now I can go on living a happy, Miles-loving life," Phoenix said, dropping the hand that had been pressed against his forehead all that time.

What!

Oh, hell no, this is getting stupid…

"I'm sorry! I really am! I should have recognized the signs that he didn't like women. I was the one who came onto him and… and…" Kath looked up into Phoenix's now confused eyes and quickly bolted for the door.

"I'll see you, Miles. I… I'm sorry for trying to get you to go on a date with me even though you're already t-taken," she stuttered, probably gathering the new information to process for the rumour mill. She nodded and took off down the corridor.

Miles just stood rooted to the spot, blinking rapidly, too shocked to prevent her quick exit.

Phoenix laughed and gave Miles a 'Do I take her seriously?' look. "I didn't know you weren't interested in women," he remarked.

"You don't understand what you've just done, do you?" Miles growled.

Phoenix blinked a few times, finally seeming to realize that something wasn't quite right.

About time.

He pulled a thoughtful face. "Oh, wait, that Everett doesn't think you and me…?" He gestured between Miles and himself and raised an eyebrow. "Just what on Earth have you been telling her about me?"

"I haven't said anything about you or about your tasteless sarcasm," Miles retorted.

Phoenix visibly flinched at the icy response, and gave Miles a confused and hurt look.

Miles brought his palm to his forehead in frustration, before pointing an accusing finger at Phoenix. "Don't go acting the innocent, Wright. It's your bloody fault! You and your gay jokes making her think I'm-"

Wait… Miles' scheming side spoke up, effectively cutting off the rest of the speech.

This is a perfect opportunity!

I hadn't even thought of making sexual orientation an excuse, but if she thinks I'm gay…

I'd be free from her clutches.

But, come on. Wright, of all people…?

Well, he's not bad-looking, as such…

Ugh, what am I saying? Good-looking or not, Wright is my closest friend. I'm not going to jeopardize our friendship because of some woman who decided to hit on me. And I don't want to be labelled a pansy for the rest of my life…

Oh, who cares? Seriously, if people think I'm gay, then what would it change? It's not as if I've ever been interested in women…

But I've never been interested in men, either.

…Does that make me asexual?

No, no, no! Shut up! I can be attracted to people!

Christ, now I'm shouting at myself…

But of course I'm not asexual. Maybe I'm just slightly gay…

…What?

This is ridiculous. I obviously just don't do relationships.

Or maybe I'm in denial…

Damn it! Just get a grip, already! I'm definitely not gay, and I'm definitely not going to make her think I am. That's just insane. How did that stupid idea even get into my head in the first place?

Miles sighed and rubbed his temples. The headache he could feel coming on reminded him why he'd always avoided thinking about those things.

"Edgeworth? Hey, Edgeworth. Could you please tell me what the hell's going on here?" Phoenix asked, waving his hand in front of Miles' face.

Miles sighed again, pushing aside his thoughts. "To cut a long story short; she hit on me, I'm not interested, so I told her I was taken, and then you came in and made all those jokes, and now she thinks we're together." He looked back into Phoenix's shocked eyes and scowled again. "It's entirely your fault. Now, if I tell her she was right, she's going to go and tell everyone, but if I tell her she's wrong, she'll just hit on me again. Or have a mental breakdown, of course." He leaned back onto the bookcase, head in hands. "I'm fed up of the female sex."

"Oh…" Phoenix said, simply.

"Oh, indeed."

There was a long silence as Miles stood, holding his head, and Phoenix stared out of the window, apparently thinking.

"Edgeworth, I think I have a solution to your problem."

Miles raised his head and gave Phoenix a sceptical look, raising an eyebrow. "A solution to this mess, just like that? Hah. Sure you do."

"Hey, you don't believe me?" Phoenix replied, pouting.

"Unless you're hiding some magic wishing dust somewhere in that cheap suit of yours, then no, I don't believe you."

Miles looked at Phoenix in disbelief when he started to search his jacket. "Wright, are you quite done acting like an idiot?"

Phoenix blinked. "But it's a foolproof plan!" he whined, pulling his hand out of his pocket.

Miles rolled his eyes. "It doesn't matter what ridiculous ideas you have, anyway. She'll eventually get disinterested like all the others if I just ignore her for a bit and-"

"It's alright, I'll do it, honey."

Miles raised an eyebrow again. "You'll do what, now?" His eyes widened even further as Phoenix pointed to him then towards his own body in what could only be described as a seductive way. "What the hell…? No! That's got to be the worst idea you've ever suggested in the entire history of your life."

"I always have 'bad ideas'." Phoenix raised his hands, moving his fingers to display the sarcastic quotation marks around his so-called bad ideas. "But they normally pay off in the end, sugar."

Sugar? Honey? Am I missing something, or do I have a right to be this creeped out?

"At least think about this," Phoenix continued. "If you pretend to go out with me, you can just tell her to keep it a secret, and she'll be off your back." He shrugged and sat down on the desk behind him, before adding to his speech with a raised finger, "Plus, I make a good boyfriend."

Miles gave him a blank look. "There's no way I'm going through with this." He snorted and stalked over to his desk, sitting down to pick up the telephone, only to be stopped by Phoenix's hand on the receiver.

"Hey, don't turn me down so easily here, my love," Phoenix said in an amused voice, smirking.

"Wright, you are pushing your luck. Now, start taking this mess seriously!" Miles snapped. "I'm this close," he gestured with his hand just how close, "to killing you right now."

"Nah, you wouldn't. That'd waste all my good work in getting you out of jail," Phoenix said cockily, letting go of the phone. He started inspecting his nails, as if he wasn't interested in the conversation.

Miles rolled his eyes and looked away from him, hiding an amused smile.

You're impossible, Wright…

He dialled the number of Kath's office and put the receiver to his ear, ready to blurt out that she'd got the wrong idea and that he wasn't really going out with Wright, the greatest sarcastic and impulsive idiot to ever walk the Earth.

But… Wright was offering to help?

Seriously offering or otherwise, this could make things easier…

I'm already friends with him anyway, and I don't exactly want to give Everett a mental breakdown…

He frowned.

Maybe pretending to be gay for a while would be bearable.

Phoenix suddenly started laughing, presumably at Miles' expression.

What now…?

He's acting so oddly today…

"Hello?"

Miles shook his head as he dismissed that train of thought. "Hello, Everett, it's Edgeworth. I just wanted to say…"

What did I want to say?

Do I really want to give her the impression that I'm rejecting her?

"Oh, Miles, I'm really sorry about before. I can't believe how stupid I've been. I should have seen the signs that you didn't like women, you know, with your hard-to-get attitude and all."

Miles gritted his teeth at that jibe. The fact that he wasn't interested in relationships didn't automatically make him gay.

"No, Everett, that's not it. I just wanted to explain…"

Explain what?

Come on, am I getting brain freeze again?

He looked over at the defence attorney to his left, who was currently inspecting his chessboard with great interest. Phoenix looked deep in thought over the position of the pieces for some reason.

And then Miles realized he was staring, while Everett was rambling away to no one on the other end of the phone line.

"…And I can't believe all those times you said you were taken and I just took it as a lie. I really thought I was good at seeing through lies as well! Please forgive me."

Miles closed his eyes. He needed to make a decision.

I'd be free from her clutches… "Plus, I make a good boyfriend…" Maybe pretending to be gay for a while would be bearable… "It's alright, I'll do it, honey."

Oh, screw it!

"It's okay, there's really no need to apologize, Everett."

"Kath."

"Right, Kath. I need to ask you to keep our… seeing each other… quiet. Wright and I have decided to keep our relationship as private as possible so our… so our… erm… sexuality… jobs… and the media… it's so they won't get in the way."

Very smooth, Miles, very bloody smooth.

"Sure! I'll do that! Oh, thank you, Miles, for entrusting me with your secret. I hope that weird guy can help you get rid of that stick up your ass… Or is it that you don't want to, now?" She giggled at her little joke.

…Ha-fucking-ha.

"Thanks, I really appreciate it. I'll see you around," Miles said, relieved, before hanging up the phone. He leaned back in his chair to let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and opened his eyes.

In front of him stood a horror-struck defence attorney.

"Um… Edgeworth… You do know I was joking when I said I'd pretend to be your partner, right?"

Oh, hell no.

"W-what?" Miles spluttered. He leaned forward and slammed his hand down on the desk. "What the hell? I've just told someone I'm in a bloody relationship with you because of your stupid advice and now you say it was a fucking joke!"

He hit the desk once more for good measure and glared at the man opposite him. Phoenix at least had the decency to look embarrassed as he nervously took a few steps backwards, holding his hands out defensively.

"I… err… um… well…"

"What the hell did you even come here for? If it weren't for you and your unexplained appearance, then I wouldn't have had to pretend to be fucking gay!"

Phoenix looked scared. His expression almost reminded Miles of Mike Meekins during that case a year ago. Miles knew he could look pretty scary when he got mad, but he didn't care. He had officially lost his temper, and Wright had taken too long to think up a defence.

"Listen," Phoenix spoke up. "I've had quite a bit to drink…"

Oh… So now he tells me.

Well, it explains a lot. I knew there was something not right about him.

"I came over to see if you wanted to… talk. I need to get some things off my chest because I'm so confused and I-"

"It's not even work-related? And you're drunk! Couldn't you have just picked up the damned phone instead of coming here!" He took a deep, steady breath in and held it, before letting it out again. "Get out."

"But… I…"

"Damn it, Wright! Just leave already."

"But I really need your help, Edgew-"

"I said. Get. Out. I'll sort this mess out with you tomorrow when I'm in a better mood and you're not drunk." Miles glared at Phoenix and pointed to the exit.

Phoenix didn't hang around long. He quickly disappeared behind the door, and Miles was left to stew on his words and actions.

Miles Edgeworth never lost it that badly. This was seriously one insane situation. He leaned forward and placed his head into his hands.

In all honesty, Wright was the worst person he could be pretending to date. For a start, he was as straight as any man can be, and he'd been intoxicated when he jokingly suggested the fake relationship. Even if he was still willing to help, they worked on the opposite sides of the courtroom. If word ever did get out about their 'relationship', then the media would have a field day.

Why had he listened to the idiot? Why hadn't he thought of all this earlier? Why couldn't he just have had a normal reason to turn Everett down? Why were things always so damned difficult for him? He'd never been in a relationship before, let alone had relationship problems, and now he had gotten caught up in this whole stupid thing with Wright? God seriously liked messing with his head, that was for sure.

Speaking of Wright, Miles now felt horrible for losing it like that in front of him. He groaned miserably into his hands and had to resist the urge to punch something. It was just like that day when he'd lost in court and poured coffee all over himself from scrunching up a paper cup in anger.

Yet again, thanks to Wright.

But there was that one little thought in the back of his mind – the one little thought that stopped him from breaking down right then and there:

At least this means I have the chance to kill that damned sarcastic drunkard tomorrow.