Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Square Enix does. I am just borrowing the name of the chemical mentioned in the text for ease of understanding.

Warning: Shonen ai if you decide it's there (and you can take that as SxS). Character bashing as usual. Not too suitable for children.

Other than Seifer no other names were mentioned in the text as in most cases of fairy tales… I guess (or perhaps hope?) you'd be able to identify who's who (wink - wink)

Thanks Sway-chan for beta-ing. There were quite a number of cockroaches flying around… if you can still spot some then that must be due to kitty being naughty by opening the cage...

OK, here we go!

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Fairy tales series number eight

Seifer and the beanstalk
by konekomh

There was once upon a time a poor gardener who owned a rundown garden. His wife ran an orphanage that housed quite a number of cute children that got adopted quite quickly. Yet they were still left with a boy that nobody dared to adopt named Seifer. Eventually the poor gardener had to ship the poor boy to Balamb as the couple was then very, very, very, very poor. Fortunately the boy was a stubborn one and he was able to make his living from fishing and fighting monsters around the outskirts of the town with his new found posse.

Years passed and Seifer grew into one fine young man with a trail of girls drooling after him wherever he passed by.

It was then one of these days, when the fish refused to be caught and the monsters dared not venture too close to the town, that Seifer, with his stomach rumbling loudly, ran into a strange woman.

"Poor, poor boy…"

The blond immediately took a few steps back with his emerald green eyes narrowed. The woman had such dangerous curvature that any normal man would have melted. But Seifer only barked, "Stay away from me!"

The woman frowned a bit as if being offended, but she didn't hide the appreciative look over the well-built gunblader, "Such a confused little boy. Don't be ashamed to ask for help."

"I'm not...Stop calling me a boy."

"You don't want to be a boy anymore?" Seifer immediately felt shivers down his spine when he saw the woman's eyes lighting up like headlights. But he kept his cool and reiterated, "I am not a BOY!"

"Then will you come with me and take these? They'll make you into a real man overnight." The woman winked suggestively and opened her palm to show a few weird-looking beans.

Seifer's face twitched. Couldn't hold back any longer the blond swiped away the hand decorated with blood red talons and spilled the beans onto the soil as he stomped away fuming. "Thanks but no thanks. I don't need Viagra™ beans to help me stay a man!"

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When Seifer woke up the next morning his room looked really dark. The sun was only shining into a little corner of it, and the rest was dark and shady. So the blond quickly got dressed and went to the window only to have his jaw drop to the ground.

It was the tallest beanstalk he'd ever seen. It went up and up and up and up. So high that it reached the sky.

"Perhaps I should have taken them?" Seifer asked himself as he examined the hard and thick beanstalk in awe. But then he thought the better of it as his neck hurt from trying too hard to see the top of the plant. The gunblader then shook his head, "Maybe it's actually a good idea that I didn't take them at all." Rubbing his hands together the blond then had an idea, "How about climbing all the way up to see what's there?" Nodding to himself decisively the blond then set off.

So Seifer climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed… whew…

… and climbed until he reached the sky.

And when he got there he found a long chain tied to a hanging castle. So he climbed again, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed…

…and he climbed till he came to the front gate where he met a dark haired woman dressed in a black diving suit covered with blue overalls.

"Good morning Princess," said Seifer. It never hurt to call a woman princess, right? "Could you be so kind as to give me some breakfast?"

Well, you see, the bo… ahem, the man didn't have anything to eat the night before, and he'd done so much exercise in the morning that the last of his energies were nearly burnt out.

"It's breakfast you want, is it?", said the dark-haired woman as she examined the eye candy in front of her. "You'll be breakfast if you don't move off from here. My man is a man-eater and there's nothing he likes better than… Oh, you'd better be moving on or he'll be coming."

"Oh, please! Beautiful Princess, do me a favour and just give me something to eat. I might as well die of hunger if I'm to be eaten."

Well, the Beautiful Princess was feeling a bit giddy from being granted the title. So she took Seifer to the kitchen, and gave him a whole load of food he could ever have dreamt of. But the blond hadn't finished half of these when BANG! BANG! BANG! The whole world echoed with the noise of someone coming.

"Oh, my meanie is coming!" said the woman, "What should I do? Come along quick and jump in here!" And she stuck Seifer into the oven just as someone came in.

The blond couldn't make out much as he was being inhumanely bent into the small, confined space. But Seifer was sure that the newcomer was dressed in dark leather. And he had three belts around his slim waist and that added jingles to his steady steps.

"What do I smell here?" The man said as he sat down and started his breakfast. "It's like some cologne."

"Nonsense, dear." said the woman, "you're dreaming. Or perhaps you smell that flying laundry you caught yesterday. Here, go to the library and by the time you come back I'll get you your chocolate ice-cream."

So off the man went, and Seifer was just going to squeeze out of the oven and run away when the woman told him not to, "Wait till he's asleep. He always dozes off half way through sorting out the cursed puzzle."

Well, the man-eater had his breakfast, and after that he went to the library and stared at the cursed puzzle, and down he sat and thought and moped till at last his head began to nod and he fell into a sweet slumber.

Then on the woman's signal that the coast was clear Seifer fell out from the oven and began his journey home. As he was passing by a small building the blond couldn't help but peep in.

There was the most spectacular sight Seifer could ever have dreamt of. It was definitely a masterpiece portraying the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen – it was an angel in slumber. The brunet was lying on the floor with his back against an old bookshelf. Covered in skin-tight dark leather the lean but muscular body spoke of nothing but hotness. Golden beams of the sun were landing around the boy as if fearing that they would rouse him from his sweet dreams.

Seifer gulped as the long eyelashes of the boy fluttered over his smooth pale cheeks as he rolled to lie on his back showing off more of his beautiful body.

"Hey, shouldn't you be gone already? My meanie would be back any minute!!" The dark-haired woman suddenly appeared by Seifer's side and made him nearly jump out of his skin. "There, take these so that you won't feel hungry and climb into my kitchen again!" The woman shoved a bag of gold into the hands of the stunned man and quickly pushed him to the beanstalk. "Don't you ever come back again!" With a pout the woman kicked Seifer in the butt and caused him to fall all the way back home… lucky that the man had quick reflexes and that prevented him from diving straight back into his garden.

So Seifer and his friends lived on the bag of gold for some time, but at last they came to the end of it. And more importantly, the blond couldn't get the picture of the beautiful creature out of his troubled mind. In the end Seifer made up his mind to try his luck once more at the top of the beanstalk.

So one fine morning he rose early, and got onto the beanstalk, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed…

And at last he came out in front of the hanging castle again and sure enough he met with the dark-haired woman again.

"Good morning, Beautiful Princess," said Seifer with his stomach rumbling like thunder again, "could you be so good as to give me something to eat?"

"Go away" Said the woman, "or my man will eat you up for breakfast. But aren't you the one who came once before? I thought you'd be living happily ever after with that bag of gold that I gave you."

"That's strange." Seifer scratched the back of his neck like an embarrassed boy, "I think I could tell you something about that, but I'm too hungry to speak properly."

Well, the lady was so curious that she took the blond in and gave him something to eat. But he had scarcely begun wolfing down the delicacies when he heard BANG! BANG! BANG! and the woman somehow shoved him into the small oven again.

All happened as it did before. In came the man-eater who was ushered to sit and have his breakfast. Then seeing that the man was about to finish the woman brought out a chicken with a tribal tattoo on the left side of its face.

"What's that?"

"Oh, don't you know? It's a hen that lays golden eggs. I got it from the market when I went shopping the other day."

"…" With limited vision from his vantage point Seifer could actually feel the man-eater raising an eyebrow when silence ensued for Hyne-knew-how-long.

"Oh, you don't believe me? It really can lay golden eggs. Just watch."

The woman put the chicken down on the table and commanded, "Lay!"

And the chicken suddenly went all berserk and pounced towards the man causing him to fall off from the chair and land on his back.

"Hey, what're you doing!! Let go! I said let go!" Seifer stifled a chuckle when the kitchen went into a complete chaos as the tribal chicken chased after the darkly dressed man like a chicken in heat.

A flash of lightning suddenly flashed across the kitchen and hit the bird head-on. Stomping towards the stunned chicken the woman picked it up and scolded, "I told you to lay an egg, not to try to get laid with my meanie!!"

The chicken looked innocently at the woman with big puppy eyes, as if saying, 'I'm a male chicken. How can I lay a golden egg for you? I thought you asked me to get it from…' And a feathered wing pointed towards the man pressing his back against the oven, where Seifer could smell the most delicious fragrance he could ever dream of. It was like sweet nectar, but there was a tinge of musk which broadcast the sort of pheromone that can replace any aphrodisiac in the world. Even without those Viagra™ beans Seifer was already hard like a rock. Only the screams of the bird that was about to be slaughtered kept the blond from doing something stupid. 'Could it be him? I wasn't really able to see his face every time I got shoved into the oven. But then she said her meanie was a man-eater…'

As the traumatised man-eater quietly fled from the kitchen Seifer squeezed himself out from the tiny oven and went outside, intent on chasing after the man following his sweet scent. But then the wind only carried with it the worst smell it could ever carry - that of a bunch of chocobos not being washed decently for ages…

Scrunching up his face like a bulldog Seifer looked around. Unfortunately he was already spotted by the dark-haired princess who was holding a pack of something as she dashed towards him. "There, take these so that you won't feel hungry and climb into my kitchen again!" The woman quickly shoved the pack into the hands of the pouting man and without allowing room for defence pushed him to the beanstalk. "Don't you ever come back again!" And the woman kicked Seifer in the butt to send him all the way back home, again.

Well, Seifer was not content. Especially when the woman ended up giving him the weird looking chicken that kept on chasing after beautiful looking creatures whenever it heard the word "lay". Sure he wasn't as hungry as before because of that chicken that kept on making him lose his appetite, but still…

It wasn't long before the blond determined to have another try at his luck up there at the top of the beanstalk. So again one fine morning he rose up early and got to the beanstalk, and he climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed, and climbed…

And at last he came out to the top but this time he knew better than to meet up with the dark-haired woman. So he went straight towards the open field where he heard some familiar clangs. As he got near the source of the commotion he waited behind a bush till he saw the woman coming out with a basket of breakfast.

"I smell it. It's that cologne again. Are you sure there isn't…" Seifer recognised the voice as that of the man-eater. He was out in the open playing with the most beautiful gunblade he'd ever seen. It was crystal blue and glinted against the bright sunlight, giving off a dazzling hue around the sword.

"Oh, it must be the new one that I brought for your birthday a few days ago. Can't you tell the difference?" The lady said as her sweat dropped. 'In that case it must be that little boy who stole the gold and the chicken that laid golden eggs. He's sure in the oven right now.' The woman thought with her teeth clenched behind her smile as she snapped her fingers to switch on the oven with her magic.

But Seifer wasn't there, luckily. And the blond gulped and wiped the sweat off his forehead when he saw smoke coming out from the chimney. 'That was close.' He thought to himself.

So with a suspicious glance the man-eater sat down to the breakfast and ate it with his back towards Seifer who was watching him from afar. Unknown to the leather-clad man the blond had crept closer and closer until eventually his hand landed on the hilt of the crystal blue gunblade.

Feeling something odd the man-eater turned just in time to see Seifer running off with his most beloved gunblade.

Seifer ran as fast as he could, and the man-eater came rushing after, and would soon have caught him. But Seifer had a head start and knew where he was going. When he was coming close to the beanstalk the man-eater was not more than twenty yards away when suddenly he saw Seifer disappeared. And when he came to the end of the road he saw Seifer underneath climbing down for his dear life.

"Damn it!" Somehow not fearing for his life the darkly dressed man-eat jumped and caught Seifer, causing the blond to lose his hold on the beanstalk and then both of them to fall towards the ground like meteorites.

But Seifer was totally unaware of his predicament when he finally had a chance to see the face of his captor who was wrapping his arms around him. It was the beautiful angel he saw on the first day. His eyes were gleaming a dangerous blue-grey that spoke of an impending violent storm. Yet the sweet scent of the brunet made him totally elated. Without any hesitation the blond returned the hold with his muscular arm and dug the stolen sword into the stem of the beanstalk to break the fall.

It was then Seifer felt a minute shiver in the smaller man when he heard something screaming above their heads. It was the dark-haired princess and she was angrily yelling at Seifer to hand her meanie back. A thunder spell was already at her fingertips as she quickly descended.

"What the…!" the brunet exclaimed and immediately moved to make the crystal sword lose its hold causing both men to fall under the force of gravity again.

"Are you crazy?!" Seifer yelled. "We're too young to die yet!"

"It's only three storeys from the ground I don't see why we're going to die from this."

True to the smaller man's word the brunet landed like a cat even with the spare capacity to catch Seifer and stopped him from crushing his head like Humpty-Dumpty.

With no time to spare to compliment the boy Seifer barked. "Raijin!! Get an axe and cut this thing down!! Now!!"

And Raijin came rushing out with the axe in his hands. But when he came to the beanstalk he stood frozen as he stared at the sorceress that was descending from the clouds from the huge plant with mad gleams in her sparkling eyes.

But Seifer jumped up and snatched the axe. "No Mercy!" Was all he said before the plant began to fall from the hit, carrying with it the dark-haired sorceress that was so scared that she refused to let go and fell with the toppling beanstalk to some unknown dimension.

"Whew… that was way too close…"

By the time Seifer managed to even out his breaths he came face-to-face with the leather-clad brunet that was sheathing his gunblade. Something was gleaming in those stormy eyes as they swept up and down examining Seifer's body as if he could see him through.

Seifer took a deep breath and announced as he readied his axe. "I heard that you're a man-eater."

"Hn." The beautiful brunet smirked. "But you never got a chance to clarify on how I eat them, am I right?" A pale finger then went between the pale lips when a tongue came out to lick it all over seductively, bluish-grey eyes kept focusing on Seifer as they half closed when the finger went deep into the hungry cavern causing the man to moan out loud.

"Oh." Was all Seifer managed to say before he dropped that axe and dragged the hot angel into his room. For a long time neighbours had to stay behind closed doors especially during the nights fearing for their lives when they heard the golden-hair boy got devoured by the most beautiful creature he'd ever encountered.

And everyone lived happily ever after, perhaps except for the dark-haired princess that had fallen into the hands of a red-haired half-man that treasured her more than her meanie… but that's another story.

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Owari.

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Thanks for reading! Please remember to push the little button down there before you leave!

Ja ne!

Love,
konekomh
October 2007