Hey!! (sprinkle kisses)

Happy New Year, everyone! It’s about time to reawaken this little ficcy, no?

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The User’s Guide and Manual to:

THOMAS COLLINS

Copyright: Jon Larson’s Musical Bots Ltd.

2009

Chief Technical and Mechanical Advisor: x Rajah x

Congratulations, RENThead!

You are now the proud owner of you very own COLLINS unit. We thank you for your purchase and hope that you will obtain maximum enjoyment from your COLLINS unit.

In order to gain the most value from your COLLINS unit, we advise that you adhere to the guidelines and instructions listed below.

TECHNICAL DETAILS OF YOUR COLLINS UNIT:

Name: Thomas B. Collins

Type: Human (male)

Manufacturing Company: Prairie Daaawgs Inc.

Height: Six feet, 2 and three-quarter inches. AKA ...pretty fucking tall.

Controls: Your COLLINS unit is programmed to be voice-activated, but may also be stimulated by the presence of an ANGEL unit, Stoli or other alcoholic beverages, meatless balls, and mercurochrome.

ACCESSORIES:

Your COLLINS unit is shipped to you without any extra shipping fee and includes its very own:

Bustelo, Marlboro, banana by the bunch, box of Captain Crunch, and firewood: Your COLLINS unit is prepared. So why not build a fort and camp out? Just don’t clap, you’ll hurt his ears!

Marijuana: His bestest friend. Don’t like drugs? o.O... Why the hell did you choose a COLLINS unit then, dumbass?

Clothes: Your COLLINS unit comes dressed in PANTS, a SHIRT, and a VEST. It also comes with a free LEATHER JACKET for post-Christmas Bells usage. Also, for a limited time, we include a BEANIE for free. It comes in two colors: black or white. Please specify MUSICAL or MOVIE ADAPTATION when ordering.

Note: If you specify MOVIE ADAPTATION when ordering your COLLINS unit, the LEATHER JACKET will be included for I’ll Cover You usage.

Note: No, there is no custom order that makes your COLLINS unit arrive pantsless.

Note: Your COLLINS unit’s clothes are removable for CLEANING PURPOSES ONLY.

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:

Your COLLINS unit was manufactured and designed to be user-friendly and reliable.

Aside from being a solution for your boredom and the object of your affection/gloating, your COLLINS unit has several practical and sensible uses:

Specimen for Pleasing the Eye:

Your COLLINS unit is adorable. He’s especially cute when he blushes. Or so we’ve been told.

Computer Genius:

Screw the Geek Squad, you’ve got your COLLINS unit now. Computer woes? He can do ANYTHING.

Vagabond Anarchist:

Have some virtual reality equipment just lying around, begging to be blown up? Ta-da! Your COLLINS unit comes to the rescue.

Teacher:

Your COLLINS unit is fucking brilliant. He can tell you a thing or two.

CLEANING:

Your COLLINS unit must be washed in comfortably warm shower water, with Dove Body Wash, and preferably with an ANGEL unit. Should he be subjected to anything less, Prairie Daaawgs Inc. is not responsible for any injury acquired by the consumer.

FAQs (FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS)

Q: Roger picked up the phone?
A: It is possible that your COLLINS unit has gone completely deaf, for no, Roger has NOT picked up the phone. He is deathly afraid of telephones. It is quite obviously Mark that has picked up the phone, and Mark has a voice clearly different from Roger’s. This is something you should be concerned about.

Note: Should you need to have your COLLINS unit repaired for any reason, we have a 24 hour hotline you can call: 1-800-555-JUSPLAYINWITUBOY.

Q: What is my COLLINS unit’s favorite Christmas Carol?
A: Clearly it is: “Chestnuts roasting...”

Q: What does he mean, “detained”?
A: He means simply this: he’s going to get his ass kicked, and then he’s going to meet someone who will capture him and take him home to heal that cute ass right up.

Q: Where is he?
A: Gettin’ busy... erm, dizzy. He WILL get busy if you don’t hurry up and grab him before a coincidentally gay and HIV positive street drummer snatches him up.

Q: You okay, honey?
A: Clearly your COLLINS unit is not okay. What a silly question. Take him home and fix him up. You could call our hotline, but that would take all the fun out of it, no?

Q: They get any money?
A: Yes, because clearly your COLLINS unit is a rich ass man like Trump with buttloads of money.

Q: “Oh hi” after seven months?
A: Would you rather I said, “Fuck off”?

Q: Still haven’t left the house?
A: I will now that you’re here, COLLINS. You smell of... poop.

Q: You teach?
A: Yeah, my students are dumbasses that would rather watch TV than learn! WHAT THE HELL!?? Students are NEVER like that.

Q: Do you know the way to Santa Fe?
A: Not sure about this, but I’m pretty sure you go.... west. Just past those tumbleweeds and around the bend from that patch of prairie dog burrows. You can’t miss it. Try MapQuest, Mr. Computer Genius. DUR.

Q: Why is my COLLINS unit wearing sunglasses?
A: ‘Cause he’s a tight ass motherfucker, what the hell kind of dumbass question is that? You think that’s outrageously awesome, wait until you see Pussy Galore, in person, beeeotch!

Q: Tutoring again? Back at NYU?
A: You two never learn. When a COLLINS unit walks in with unusual amounts of money, he definitely didn’t get it by legal means.

Q: Champagne?
A: YOU KILLED MY DOG!

Q: Why won’t my Collins unit won’t love me like I love him...? (fangirl tears)
A: He likes boys.

Q: What if there’s an emergency?
A: COLLINS will call for a doctor, honey...

Q: What brings a mogul in his own mind to the Life Cafe?
A: Jackasses gotta eat too! Plus, who else will the MAUREEN unit moon?

Q: Are we a thing?
A: See above question about love.

Q: Where’s everyone else?
A: Oh, well you see... they got this awesome new Spiderman videogame.

Q: How did Alison find out about Mimi?
A: Since we last checked, ANGEL wasn’t a bird. Although... she may be a flamingo. That’s possible.

TROUBLESHOOTING:

Note: Prairie Daaawgs Inc. is not responsible for any problems regarding your COLLINS unit, as we are mainly credited to the assembly of your COLLINS unit. Any internal problems that you should have concerning his character are NOT OUR PROBLEM. Should you have any questions or comments after reading this section, we recommend that you DEAL WITH IT. Should you have any complaints, we recommend that you GO TO HELL.

Problem: My COLLINS unit can’t seem to stay on his feet. What should I do?

Solution: Chances are, your COLLINS unit has had the shit beaten out of him. It’s a small technical glitch in COLLINS units, which can usually only be solved completely with the purchase of an ANGEL unit. If this occurs and you don’t have an ANGEL unit, we recommend that you immediately place an order for one. In the meantime, your COLLINS unit should lay down. Don’t let him ever go trick-or-treating. Keep him close, and change his optical settings, for this incident causes your COLLINS unit’s optical settings to change to the “BROWN ONLY” mode, which can only be adjusted manually. Make sure you have some mercurochrome, and let your ANGEL unit do the rest.

Problem: Some asshole purloined my COLLINS unit’s coat.

Solution: This is a common problem with a very simple solution. Set your COLLINS unit for post- I’ll Cover You usage and then make sure he’s wearing his leather jacket (including with purchase) and has an ANGEL unit by his side (sold separately).

Problem: My COLLINS unit was expelled from MIT for his theory of actual reality.

Solution: Those Massholes! (A.N. Thanks, Steph!) Well, you know NYU would be happy to provide a job for your COLLINS unit. We heard that there’s a group of potatoes that need educating.

Problem: My COLLINS unit is thwarted by a metaphysic puzzle.

Solution: Oh damn, that’s one of those puzzles with the thousands of pieces that you spend months putting together only to find that there is pieces missing. PLEASE, get your COLLINS unit away from that puzzle.

Problem: My COLLINS unit is sick of grading papers.
Solution: Tell him to suck it up and buy him a new packet of red pens.

Problem: My COLLINS unit has taken to shouting in his sleep.
Solution: Apologize to the neighbors and buy him a muzzle.

Problem: My COLLINS unit’s students would rather watch TV.
Solution: They’d rather watch TV than stare lovingly as your adorable COLLINS unit tries to teach them? What the fuck is wrong with those kids? Check them into an insanity ward, quick.

Problem: My COLLINS unit is lacking in baggage to lay at my feet.
Solution: Why not let him make up for that with kisses?

Problem: My COLLINS unit wants me to give him some way to show how he’s touched me so.
Solution: TMI. We don’t want to see any R-rated dioramas of the undoubtedly lewd things you do to your COLLINS unit in secret.

FINAL NOTE:

We sincerely hope that you enjoy your new COLLINS unit so much that you find yourself twirling around poles on the subway.

Well… my document manager went really wacko on me and made this all strangely spaced and bold and shit and I have no idea what the fuck is going on...

Sorry.

Anywaizzz, I completely forgot how fun this fic was.

I want to get this one going again. Let me know how I did, reviewer peoples, if you’re still out there.

I’M SOORRRRRYYYY!

Oh and ZOMGGG I AM SEEING ADAM AND ANTHONY IN RENT IN 7 DAYS!!!!!!! :DDDDD