Note: my friends inspire this story. I hope you enjoy it and have a good laugh. Some parts will make no sense because I write off the tip of my mind. Try to enjoy it anyway.

Author's Big Gigantic Please-Pay-Attention-so-there-are-no-problems-or-insulting Note: This story is a JOKE!!!!!! I don't believe Edward to be like this…and I know he sleeps in the story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is just FOR FUN!! So, please no reviews about how I don't know how to write about Stephenie Meyer's characters. I just want to write my own stuff. Okay, thank you and enjoy.

He was unlike anyone I've ever seen before. Edward Cullen, the Greek god of Forks, Washington. His ebony and topaz eyes took a toll on me every time we exchanged glances, and since the first time he looked at me, I knew he was the one that I would spend the rest of my life with. There was no denying it.

It wasn't fun being cooped up in this crummy town at first, with no sunlight and lots of rain, but with my albino-ish skin, I quickly adapted to it. I reluctantly came to stay here with my father, Charlie Swan, chief of police. But until I met Edward's gaze, I didn't think I'd be staying here long. After his presence, leaving Forks will be and is impossible for me now.

School started this morning with a bang, just like it always does, because every morning now I see a beautiful silvery pale face with bold eyes and a crooked smile. He was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful, but so cold. Not the cold in the metaphorical sense. I mean, he was actually cold. I guess that's what happens when you haven't had blood run through you for eighty years. Oh, I forgot that little detail. The love of my life is undead. A vampire. Doesn't that sound cool?

Edward and I fell in love, a true kind of love, but for some odd reason, he has never kissed me. I would always try to sneak little pecks, and I am allowed to kiss his marble skin. But for our lips to touch is just a hard-to-do task. Before, it has always bothered me, but now I try to be stealthy and cunning, although I am the clumsiest person on the face of the earth.

Now, being in Biology class with Mr. Banner and sitting close to a god, the kissing issue was starting to bug me. Maybe because we were studying mating rituals and I thought to myself Why can't I mate with Edward? His manliness couldn't hurt me. That's why I use birth control.

The bell rang, and my man and I left the class, with his hand skimming my butt in a way that tickled. I giggled and slapped him on the butt, too. He laughed, and in a playful way, started skipping down the hall. I called him a "fairy", and he jogged back to grab my breast playfully. Sure, we never kissed, but he does feel me up all the time. It feels good.

Edward does have this way about him when he is really mysterious. It sometimes aggravates me, but to avoid a fight, I always let it go. I'd call his house sometimes, with an answer from his beautiful mom, Esme, or his hot father, Carlisle, and they'd always tell me that he was upstairs reading or composing a new song on his piano. I'd always request to be called back, and they would tell him, but he never would. You think that would get a girl mad, but it never bothered me. As long as a god like Edward was yours, you could care less if he was a nymphomaniac (which wouldn't be too bad, right?)

Edward and I walked to my car, and before I climbed in, we said our goodbyes to each other. He pecked me on the cheek, but I wanted more. So before he started to walk off, I grabbed him by the neck and laid a big wet sloppy one on him. I kissed him harder than I've kissed anyone else before. All that I remember after that was being dragged into his car and taken to the empty yet seductive mansion. Edward, with his super fast speed, raced me wedding-style into the living room. I asked him to move us to the bedroom, but he moaned that it was too far away. He started unbuttoning my shirt, a kiss pressed against my chest every time a button was released. What was good about that was that I wasn't wearing a bra (due to Edward's kinky fantasies, every Friday, I was to go braless to school). When he got to my belly button, he started to press his tongue inside it and swab it around. By this time I was breathless and I could not stand up on my own. He pushed me into the couch and started unzipping my pants (also underwear-less; I know, it's weird, but I want to please my man.) When he finally shredded them off, and I was sitting normally yet panting on the couch, he spread my legs as far wide as he possibly could have and started lapping on my wet and slick excitement. I couldn't take any more pleasure without moaning, and I started screaming with all that I could. I was lucky that we were in a house with nobody in it and nobody within miles of it. Edward then started flicking his tongue against my clitoris and I wondered how I was still breathing. While doing that, he took both hands and started playing with my erect nipples. I was screeching in short breaths and Edward was chuckling in between licks.

He then took off his pants and boxers, and I noticed his erection clinging in the air. I couldn't resist, and soon I took it into my mouth, moving my tongue around his sex. I knew he loved this, because he grabbed hold of my head and started gyrating his hips with my head. After I was finished (and after I spit), Edward dragged me to his bedroom, with a few pit stops on the stairs, hallway, his parent's bedroom, and his siblings' bedrooms. We finally arrived in his room, and there he took his finger and moved it inside of me. I was moaning and crying like I never thought I would have before, and one more time, he started licking me all over my body.

On his bed, he took his hands to my knees and spread my legs apart, and that's when he drove into me with such a pleasurable feeling that I couldn't even breathe anymore. He and I moved to the same movements and an orgasm was humming through our bodies ever so beautifully. When I couldn't take anymore, he flipped me over and drove into me from behind. He feared that he had hurt me, but when I grabbed onto his bedpost to level myself and started grinding against his pelvis, he took the hint. My back was arching and he was moving his thumb against my own erection again, and all I could remember thinking of is if this was perpetual bliss. I loved it and wanted more and more of it.

But unfortunately, bliss fades. And so did the orgasm. Soon we both fell asleep in each other's arms, and I never wanted to leave. Our naked bodies were together and it was an unbelievable feeling.

After a shortened slumber, I woke up, and realized that Charlie needed me home in about ten minutes. I didn't want to wake Edward. He had such a hard day that it was utterly inappropriate to bother him.

Realizing I had no car, I began to walk, but only a short distance, thankfully. I got home and figured out the only thing I needed to do was feed the fish. I went to sleep for a while, still exhausted from my afternoon, and when I woke I felt refreshed and alert.

I wanted to go visit Edward (and maybe more.) He had said that his folks were out of town and that it was just him for the weekend. I took my car when I hit a detour from school and drove to Edward's house. I was so horny I couldn't wait to get up and see him again. But walking up to his bedroom, I heard eerie noises, haunting noises, and they were coming from Carlisle and Esme's bedroom. I tried opening the door slowly, but it was locked. I then looked through the keyhole. What I witnessed felt like a sharp stabbing through my soul.

Edward and Emmett were writhing on each other, with both moaning in each other's ear. There was a strange movement underneath the covers, and from out underneath the covers, was Jasper, with a trail of white dripping down his mouth. I've heard of a threesome before, but never with all guys. I watched in horror as one by one they were all pleasured by the other. I stood up, stepped back from the door, and with the pulsing rage from this obscene view, I screamed an ear-splitting scream. Someone from inside the room said, "Who's there?" and Edward answered the door in shock. He stood there horrified as I stared at the bulge peaking from his pelvis.

Raging shock took over me as I suddenly found myself lunging at him with all the force I could screaming "How could you do this to me?"

"What do you mean?" Edward replied.

"You know what I mean. Why is this going on between you and your…your…brothers?!"

"Look, I didn't mean for you to find out this way, but when you left, I didn't think you'd be back for a while. Is there anyway you could forgive me?"

Forgive him? I thought. How the hell is he supposed to expect me to forgive him after he did this to me? If vampires could be mortally killed, believe me, I would have found a way to do so.

"Edward," I started with tears streaming down my cheeks. "How could you make beautiful and emotional love to me and then not tell me that you were this way? Didn't you think about me? Didn't you think at all?

"Look, Bella, it's not what you think. I'm…bisexual"

As if that could make things go away. But I decided not to pass up a chance. If he was willing to take me, I had to face the facts. All the facts.

"Really, Edward? Do you mean that?"

"Eh, no. Sorry," he said with a light chuckle. "I lied. I'm completely gay."

I knew it was too good to be true.

"Then why the hell did you have sex with me, let alone a girl?"

"I had to get practice somewhere! I don't mean that you were a test dummy, although you could look at it like that in some way. But you can't be that mad about it. It's not my fault I was born this way."

"Not your fault?" I screamed. "You took advantage of me and I gave my whole body and soul to me and this is how you treat it? Metaphorically, what kind of a monster are you?"

"Look, Bella, I wanted to give you something special before I started off on my life like this. If I could turn back time and do things differently, I wouldn't change anything. I still liked "losing" my virginity to you and you have helped me a lot with this. I want to thank you and, even though never in a physical way, I will always love you. Remember that."

I couldn't be mad at him. I was still mad, but not towards him. He was right in some cases and I realized it was just meant to be. I gave him a tearful hug and kiss goodbye and continued my way out of the house.

Leaving the house, I passed by Rosalie and Alice. They both said their goodbyes to me and carried on their way. A couple of minutes later, I could've sworn I heard a shriek and a scream saying "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"