A/N: Took the title from a chess term again. It's what you call a draw position in which no player has any realistic chance to win. You'll know why I chose that by the end of the chapter...

Chapter Twenty-Three: "Dead Draw"

The first fingers of dawn were starting to make their way under the heavy hotel curtains. Zero hadn't gotten much sleep. Kaname had been tossing and turning in the other bed ever since he lay down a few hours ago. Zero had the pillow pulled resolutely over his head to help block out the sound, but he couldn't shut out the dull ache throbbing at the base of his neck.

Kaname's sheets were damp and cold from his having gone to bed wet, and from the thin sheen of cold sweat that was glistening on his body. He was dozing fitfully, but it was not restful. It merely trapped him in a state where his mind was vulnerable to the nightmares that he kept suppressed when conscious.

Trapped in darkness, Kaname could barely breathe around the desolate, empty ache in his chest. He was still suffering from Ichijo's loss, no matter how well he hid it. Going to bed hungry, and disturbed over what had happened with Zero, had made him even more vulnerable than usual.

There were hands in the darkness. They touched him, clawed him. He tried to fight back, but he couldn't, his hands were trapped. His body was on fire, in agony. The hated, unforgettable feeling of his uncle's blood whips flayed him to the bone as breath brushed his neck, teeth sinking into his skin. The aching, despairing need in his chest was a fiery pain all its own. He felt so empty, so alone. He tried to cry out, but he couldn't make a sound. There was that horrible muzzle trapping his mouth, suffocating him on his own silent screams...

Kaname keened softly in his sleep, whimpering in intense distress that bordered on tears as he tossed restlessly.

It was a sound Zero couldn't ignore, even through the pillow over his head. The throbbing ache at the base of his neck was also becoming unbearable. With a resigned sigh, Zero pulled the pillow off his head and sat up, sliding to the edge of the bed. He ran his hand through hair wildly mussed and spiky from being damp and being pressed under a pillow all night. It was kind of disturbing, how deeply the soft sounds of the pureblood's distress pulled at his heartstrings. He didn't want to be drawn to Kaname; he didn't want to feel anything but contempt for the pureblood. Goodness knew he had every reason to hate him. But his heart was too soft. In the end, Zero couldn't stand by and watch him suffer.

He moved over to Kaname's bed. The pureblood's fingers were clawing restlessly at the bedding, starting to tear into the mattress. Kaname was on the far side of the bed, so Zero knelt on the mattress as he cautiously leaned over and placed a light hand on the pureblood's shoulder. He gave a little shake.

"Kaname? Wake up, Kaname..." he murmured quietly. Zero had been prepared for the idea that being too close to Kaname when he awakened from his nightmare might not be a good idea, but he still wasn't prepared for just how fast the pureblood could move.

Pulled from the horribly vivid nightmare, Kaname reacted on instinct and in half a second he had Zero pinned to the bed, about two heartbeats from almost tearing his throat out. Fortunately, Kaname came to his senses quickly and froze. He blinked, realizing whose face he was staring down into. Much more shakily than he would have liked, Kaname dropped his head to Zero's chest for a moment, hating how intensely terrified he suddenly was that he could have accidentally harmed Zero. Hating his weakness. Hating how desperately he wanted to hold onto Zero and hide from the pain still echoing through him.

Kaname rolled away, curling onto his side. "Sorry," he mumbled a bit hoarsely, turning his face to the pillow to hide the lingering, humiliating evidence of his failings. "You probably should not wake me when I'm... dreaming. It's not safe." Kaname's shoulders trembled dangerously and he wished miserably that Zero would just go away and not see him like this.

Zero hesitated, rubbing his bruised windpipe as he looked at the pureblood's hunched back. The agonized, lonely feedback he was getting through their bond was intense, and familiar. Oh...

Kaname froze at the unexpected warmth of Zero pressing up against his back as the hunter came closer and slid up behind him. Zero gave a small, resigned sigh as he pulled the covers back up over the both of them, wrapping his arm lightly around Kaname's waist. He was a complete idiot and he knew it. No wonder Kaname thought him contradictory and insincere. No wonder the pureblood didn't believe him when he told him to go away. If Zero couldn't settle his own mind, how could he try to change Kaname's? Much as he hated Kaname sometimes, he was also inexplicably but powerfully drawn to comfort him. Especially when he was like this.

Zero rested his face lightly against the back of Kaname's neck. "Ichijo again?" he asked quietly. He already knew the answer. He recognized the unique echo of anguish from the broken bond. It was weird that he could feel it faintly too, if only through Kaname.

Kaname didn't answer for a few long minutes, but his arm curled over Zero's. The other's warmth against his back and the reassurance of just having him nearby let the pureblood's tense, weary body finally relax. Kaname sighed inwardly in resignation. So much for not needing Zero.

"I thought it would no longer be an issue by now," Kaname finally admitted quietly, his voice calmer now, more in control once more.

"Yeah, well..." Zero replied with a sigh, "Sometimes things don't happen like they should."

Ichijo yawned and glanced out through the curtains. The sun was rising. Usually that meant he should be going to bed, but not today. He bet Kain and Aido were still hiding under the covers in their room. They hated having to be up in the daytime, especially Aido who sometimes claimed he was allergic to sunlight, although they all knew he wasn't. Ichijo twirled the cigarette he was holding between his fingers for a moment before lighting up and dragging on it absently. It wasn't a regular habit, but he indulged every now and again when he was either relaxing or feeling stressed. He exhaled a small puff of smoke against the transparent windowpane, letting the taste of the menthol buzz dully in his senses. It wasn't as if a vampire had to worry about getting lung cancer.

Cross was already up as well. Actually, it was his movements that had woken Ichijo a few minutes ago. He was moving pretty slow though, as if every motion as he dressed took an almost inhuman effort. He still seemed somehow exhausted.

Ichijo felt a little guilty. He turned away from the window and back towards Cross. "I'm sorry if the TV kept you up last night," he apologized. "I didn't mean to disturb your rest."

Cross gave him a smile and a quick shake of the head. He pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose with one finger, adjusting the scarf around his neck slightly with his other hand. "Oh no, I didn't even notice. I slept just fine, thanks." He didn't appear to be lying, yet his eyes were so... weary. "I think these are non-smoking rooms though," he pointed out mildly, nodding towards the little plastic sign by the TV.

"Oh! Sorry..." Takuma stubbed the cigarette out on his palm. Takuma reflected that Cross had changed very little in the time he'd known him. Granted, he hadn't known him all that long in the vampire view of things. But in that same time he'd watched Yuki grow from a small child into a young woman. Even Kaname and himself had grown gradually a little older. Yet the Chairman never changed. Takuma was used to adults changing little once they hit their prime, but he was also used to vampire adults. He supposed he really didn't know that much about humans, despite living so closely with them lately. Yet the young noble was struck by the odd, fleeting quandary of whether it was normal for the Chairman to look almost exactly the same now as he had the first time he'd seen him from the window of Kaname's car, some ten years ago.

But no... that wasn't quite right. He didn't look exactly the same. He looked somehow wearier and more fatigued these days. It was easy not to notice behind his effervescent personality and doggedly persistent optimism, but Ichijo noticed. As one who was well used to putting up a cheery front himself, no matter what he was feeling underneath, Ichijo was sensitive to noticing the same traits in others.

Cross caught Ichijo watching him struggle with the laces on his shoes and gave a small, rueful smile. "Don't mind me, haven't had my tea yet this morning," he said brightly. It was so much more than that, of course. He knew it, even if no one else did. He felt fatigued almost all the time and even simple tasks were becoming more difficult. He'd read in a book once the expression of feeling stretched, like butter scraped across too much bread and he thought he now understood exactly what that felt like. Cross sank down to sit on the edge of the bed a little too readily and reached for the phone. "I was about to get some from room service, do you want any?"

Ichijo nodded, heading for the bathroom. "Sure. Thanks. I'm going to go take a shower."

"I thought you wanted me to go to hell," Kaname said quietly after a few minutes.

"I do," Zero admitted, still lying spooned behind him. "But your tossing and turning kept me up all night. Seems this is the only way to get a little peace, that's all," he muttered. They both knew that wasn't entirely true.

Kaname rolled over, fingers tracing lightly down the side of Zero's face before he could stop himself. His hand fell back to the pillow and he closed his eyes, drawing a slow breath. It was almost ironic. This seemed to becoming something of a pattern for them – fighting before bed and making up in the morning. This time it literally was morning though, which meant Kaname felt more tired than usual after his sleepless night. It wasn't just the hour that was wearing on him, however.

"If we don't find Rido's body soon, I fear he will force a confrontation before we are ready," Kaname said slowly, not really sure why he was telling Zero this. He wasn't used to letting anyone into his thoughts, to admitting concerns, or worse, possible doubts in his own plans. It was a heavy weight he usually carried alone. But Zero already thought him a monster and a jerk, so it wasn't as if he had any image to lose there, and the boy wasn't tapped into the vampire world enough to use anything Kaname might say against him. Oddly, Kaname simply felt relatively safe in confiding.

"If he does that, the collateral damage may be high on both sides. Higher if we do not make sacrifices. Certainly, Shiki will be lost. Rido must be stopped." Kaname shifted slightly, hand sliding up to rest lightly against Zero's chest. His eyes remained closed. "After all this time being under Rido's control, I don't even know if Shiki will want to be saved anymore," he admitted with another sigh. "To be a prisoner in your own body... I can think of nothing worse."

A small shiver ran through Kaname's frame. He didn't want Zero to see it, but that thought was probably the most frightening and horrible thing he could imagine. That kind of complete and total loss of control. Death would be a hundred times more preferable.

Zero watched Kaname silently. It was weird, getting this small window into Kaname's thoughts, having the pureblood talk to him like this, like an equal. It was not unpleasant.

"I kind of got the feeling yesterday that Ichijo wouldn't like that," Zero commented quietly.

Kaname's eyes fluttered open. He was a little surprised that Zero had noticed. He hadn't thought Kiriyu was that observant. "Ichijo and Shiki have always been very close. You don't know what it must have taken for him to chose me over Senri," he said softly. "Takuma has already surrendered his family ties, perhaps even his future, for my sake. I regret that it is so difficult to see a path clear in this situation where he will not have to lose more." Kaname was obviously frustrated, feeling that he was a failure for not having a fool proof way to solve the situation already in place.

Zero was intrigued by this side of Kaname he was glimpsing. He'd never stopped to think what a burden it would be, to always feel you had to have every move planned out ahead of time and carefully supported with back-up plans for every contingency. He was also slightly stunned. Kaname cared whether losing Shiki hurt Ichijo?

That thought must have showed on his face because Kaname gave a small, tense little frown and rolled away again. "You don't have to look like it's such a shock that I might have considered that," he mumbled.

Zero remained silent, gaze sliding unintentionally along the exposed line of Kaname's back. Kaname eventually rolled onto his back again and stared up at the ceiling. Before he could quickly block the thought, the hunter was oddly struck by how graceful, almost beautiful, the pureblood's features were as he laid there, pale skin and dark hair upon the pillow.

After a few minutes silence, Zero started to get up, but Kaname quickly rolled over, leaning up on his elbow and placing his other arm across Zero's body. "Stay a little longer," he murmured softly.

The almost pleading request seemed to vibrate throughout Zero's being and a shiver ran down his spine, settling in the pit of his stomach as he fixed a dark, questioning gaze on the other vampire. Either Kaname had already learned how to play on his weaknesses and sympathies, or the pureblood was a lot needier under the surface than he allowed anyone else to ever see.

Zero's body tensed, but he stopped trying to get up and lay still. He'd learned already how entirely useless it was to fight the pureblood. It was a struggle to keep up with his changing moods, though. It felt to Zero like Kaname could be dark and dangerous one minute and then gentle, almost lost the next. Ironic, considering a few months ago Zero would have sworn that Kaname had the personality and emotional depth of an iceberg.

"Kaname... has anyone ever used the description 'bipolar' with you before?" he asked with annoyed but resigned sarcasm. "They have medications for that you know..."

Kaname snorted softly. He'd just wanted Zero to stay beside him a little longer, but body contact of any kind seemed eminently distracting. Zero had light bruises in the shape of Kaname's fingers on his shoulders from last night and they drew Kaname's attention. The inviting skin was so very close, and tempting...

Zero sucked his breath in softly as Kaname nuzzled his neck and shoulder, mouthing the marks he'd left there a few hours before.

Beep. Beep. Beeeep...

Aido slapped at the snooze button a little too violently and the alarm clock ended up in pieces. He muttered something that was mostly a groan and tugged the covers up over his head against the sliver of light peeking in through the heavy drapes. Stupid east-facing windows... His eyes drifted shut again, long lashes brushing his cheeks.

"Wha was that...?" Kain's sleepy voice issued from somewhere under the covers in the bed by the door.

"Nothing," Aido muttered back, already starting to drift off again.

"It was the alarm clock, wasn't it... what time is it?" Kain groaned, rolling over and trying to wake up without much success.

"Dunno. Broken," Aido replied monosyllabically, indicating he wanted Kain to shut up and let him sleep.

Down the hall, Kain could just hear the faint sounds of squeaking cart wheels and the voice of one of the hotel cleaning maids as she knocked on people's doors. It was the far end of the hall. It would probably take her a while to reach them.

He let his head fall back to the pillow and yawned. "'kay... we can get up when the maid gets here..." he mumbled before sleep started tugging him quickly down again.

Aido was already snoring softly once more.

"Kaname..." Zero murmured softly, closing his eyes as Kaname's mouth moved with increasing hunger against his skin. He couldn't pretend he didn't feel the familiar heat coiling in his gut, but his body still ached slightly from their last encounter. He wasn't ready for another go. They didn't have time for this either.

"I know," Kaname murmured back softly as his lips traveled up Zero's neck to his jaw. He was aware his lover was still tender and didn't intend to push Zero this time. He was also aware that he couldn't risk the others getting any more suspicious than they already were. Sadly, he and Zero couldn't afford to spend another glorious 'morning' together like they had yesterday. But he just wanted to be close to Zero in this delicious way a few moments longer... just wanted to kiss him until he completely forgot the lingering, bitter horror of the dream. Was that too much to ask?

"Everyone else is gonna be waking up too... unh..." Zero couldn't help trailing off in a soft moan as Kaname rolled over to lay more fully atop him, the covers sliding off their bodies.

"I know," Kaname repeated before his lips sealed over Zero's in a warm, inviting kiss.

There was a knock on the door. "Housekeeping," a female voice from the other side announced.

Kaname was too enraptured in tasting the sweet, salty flavor of Zero's lips and exploring the moist heat of his mouth to pay attention to so trivial an interruption. Zero was right; everyone else would be getting up as well which meant their time here was short and not to be wasted. He kicked himself for not having thought to put the do not disturb sign out before bed.

"MmmKaammmee..." Zero murmured breathlessly into the tangled heat of the kiss, trying to get the other's attention.

Deciding no answer meant there was no one there; the maid swiped her passkey and tried to push the door open. The door only moved an inch or two before it met with unmovable resistance. The maid glanced automatically up along the inside of the frame for the tell-tale shadow of the chain-lock, but it wasn't there. The chain wasn't on the door, it just wouldn't open. She gave it another, firmer push.

Kaname was 'holding' the door shut with his will, but gave a little frown as the maid persisted. With a soft growl he broke the kiss and lifted his head.

"Nobody in, come back later," he called out in distracted annoyance, not really caring that the words came out a bit backwards. Unless the maid was completely stupid, she would get the drift.

Zero, whose heart was pounding now from fear of discovery as much as passion gave Kaname a push that failed to dislodge him. "Kaname, we shou..." but Kaname's mouth had already fallen back to his and Zero felt himself melt like butter on a hot stove.

Zero should have fought a little harder. He could have at least tried... he would never afterwards be able to explain why he didn't. Why he instead found himself kissing Kaname back.

The maid did indeed get the drift. She gave a small, amused little smile. Even if the guests in this room had been engaged in a completely innocent activity, she would have assumed otherwise. It was a very common situation for her to encounter in her line of work actually and she thought no more about it.

"Sorry, I come back later," she said simply, releasing the door and stepping back to her cart. Pushing it over a bit, she stopped at the door across the hall and knocked. "Housekeeping," she called, and was greeted after a few moments by a man in glasses and a scarf. Cross let her into their room before moving back to the table in the corner of the room and the tea that was sitting there.

Kaname and Zero, lost in the throes of a few last moments of stolen, forbidden passion in their own room, didn't notice that the door had failed to catch all the way when the maid left.

"Um... Ruka?" Yuki knocked politely on the bathroom door. For the millionth time. No answer. She resisted an impatient sigh. Sharing a room with the female vampire should have been considered a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Actually, she supposed, it wasn't really so bad, at least as long as Yuki didn't try to engage in conversation or otherwise get the aristocrat to acknowledge her existence. For the most part, Ruka simply snubbed her pointedly and left it at that. Yuki had quickly given up trying to be friendly and ignored her right back.

But now, Ruka would not get out of the bathroom. She'd been in there slightly longer than forever and completely ignored any knocking on the door. And Yuki had thought that Zero was a bathroom hog! Yuki was almost sure no one could primp for this long and was somewhat inclined to think that Ruka was simply trying to irritate her.

Deciding this was a game she was tired of playing, Yuki gave up and went to see if she could borrow somebody else's bathroom. She wasn't about to go knocking on Kain and Aido's door, even if she had known which one it was. So she continued on down the hall towards her father's door. It was standing open, half blocked by a housekeeping cart as the maid unloaded a large vacuum cleaner. Yuki glanced past the woman into the room and glimpsed the bathroom door, which was closed. Meant someone was in there, and not likely to be coming out with housekeeping in the room. She sighed.

Not wanting to interrupt, Yuki moved across the hall, scanning the room numbers and trying to remember where her father had said Zero was staying. She was pretty sure it was the room right across the hall, and a moment's thought confirmed the memory. She hesitated, looking at the door. If it was just Zero, she would have come here first. They'd shared a bathroom for years. But she was fairly sure he was sharing a room with Kaname, as odd as that seemed, and she was a little embarrassed at the idea of disturbing Kaname for so silly and mundane a reason. He probably wouldn't mind, but still... She noticed that the door was open a sliver, as if the latch hadn't quite caught. You couldn't tell unless you were right in front of it. Maybe they were already up, maybe Kaname was in one of the other rooms, and it wouldn't be an imposition.

Yuki raised her hand to knock, and then hesitated again. It was kind of awkward to show up and ask a couple of guys, especially ones she liked, to use their bathroom. Maybe she should just go back and wait Ruka out.

"No one in, Miss, was just there," the maid in the hall informed her with a meaningful look, attempting to be helpful as she loaded up one arm with towels, vacuum cleaner in the other before disappearing into the Chairman's room.

Perhaps if it had been anyone other than Kaname and Zero staying in that room, Yuki would have caught the woman's veiled subtext. But any such thought was so foreign it didn't even register and Yuki took the maid's words at face value. She felt relieved. That solved the whole problem then. Kaname and Zero must already be out and about, but the maid hadn't closed their door securely... she could slip in, borrow the bathroom and slip out again without having to disturb anyone.

Yuki eased the door open and slipped quickly inside, starting to head automatically towards the bathroom, which was in exactly the same location as it was in her room. Almost as soon as she was inside, she realized that the room was not, in fact, empty at all. But the rooms were small and she was already halfway to the bathroom by the time she realized her mistake. It was a moment before her brain caught up with her eyes and for a second all she registered was that Kaname and Zero were still in bed.

"Oh! I'm sorry; I was just going to..." Yuki's voice trailed off as what she was actually seeing finally sunk in. Whatever she had been going to say completely fled her mind. Just about everything completely fled her mind. A hot flush rushed almost painfully up her throat and cheeks, making her face burn.

The scene before her was surreal. Kaname and Zero were both on the nearest bed. They were naked, their firm, graceful, perfect forms looking like something that might have been sculpted by the loving chisel of a renaissance artist. Kaname was half laying, half kneeling over Zero. Zero's fingers were tangled in the pureblood's hair, their bodies pressed close against one another as they embraced, mouths locked together in a heated kiss. For a moment the sheer erotic quality of the unlikely tableau overwhelmed her senses and made unbidden heat race through Yuki's body like a firestorm.

That was followed swiftly by a sharp, brutal stab of confused pain that she barely understood, yet threatened to send her to her knees as it knifed harshly through her stomach.

Kaname and Zero sensed Yuki's presence inside the room too late, their heads swiveling towards her even as she started speaking. The coming and going of many footsteps in the hall had masked her approach and they had been a little too involved to catch the increased nearness of her scent until the damage was done.

Kaname felt ice flood his veins and knot harshly in his stomach as he caught sight of Yuki's flushed face and the wide brown eyes full of hurt. It was one thing to know in his head that his relationship with Zero could possibly cause a wedge in his relationship with Yuki, it was quite another to be suddenly slapped upside the head with the harsh and inescapable reality of it.

The sudden way intense arousal turned into guilt and shock made Kaname feel physically ill. He wasn't used to being caught this flat-footed, without a plan or an explanation... not even an excuse. He'd consciously tried to never bring Yuki into the equation of what he felt for Zero. As he'd tried to tell Zero, it was just different somehow, the one not affecting the other and visa-versa... but he wasn't stupid enough to expect Yuki to see things that way. Her face already told that story.

Zero froze; feeling like time had stopped for a moment. Then he wished that it had. Wished he was dead, that the earth would suddenly open and swallow him. Of all nightmares he could possibly conjure, this had to be the worst. Oh God, Yuki... What must she think of him? Seeing him, like this with another guy and even worse... with Kaname. He felt hot and cold at the same time, nausea knotting in his gut to the point where he really thought he was going to throw up. Zero quickly struggled out from under Kaname, grabbing the covers and pulling them over his lap. He couldn't think. His brain was a jabbering haze of reeling static.

"Yuki..." but his vocal chords literally seized up and he couldn't even speak. He should do something... should say something... but nothing came, and nothing would matter. All he wanted was to get away. Get away before he lost control of his stomach or made an even worse idiot of himself. No other thought or impulse could even force its way through the jumble of his mind. Rolling off the bed he snatched up his clothes. Sliding into his pants with inhuman speed he simply bolted, unable to even look at Yuki, or Kaname. His life had just torpedoed far beyond the well and truly screwed up beyond repair point and he couldn't even begin to figure out how to deal with that.

The door slammed shut and Kaname felt it reverberate through him. Kaname had been too off-balanced to stop Zero in time and his chest ached sharply. "Zero...!" but the boy was already gone. Yuki looked like she intended to follow as quickly as possible, now looking both miserable and guilty.

"I-I'm sorry! I was just... the bathroom... a-and Ruka... and I... I'll go!" Yuki stammered almost incomprehensively. She was backpedaling like crazy for the door now. She'd never felt so embarrassed and awkward in her life. She wanted to die. She tugged quickly at the knob but Kaname pulled himself out of his shock before her shaking fingers could manage it. He couldn't let her leave like this! Desperation clawed at the back of his chest even as part of his mind silently contemplated skewering Ruka for whatever had apparently lead to Yuki winding up here at this most inopportune moment.

In a flash, Kaname was behind her, hand pressed against the door to hold it in place. "Yuki, please, wait..." the pureblood tried to recover himself despite the horrible cold, sinking feeling in his stomach.

Yuki jumped at his sudden appearance and spun around... which was a mistake because Kaname was still very naked. She couldn't help looking and before her eyes jerked quickly back up to his face her own face had already flushed an even deeper and more painful shade of red.

She trembled. She'd like to think it was from fear but it wasn't. It definitely wasn't. She was such an idiot... she'd fantasized so about Kaname... about what it would be like to kiss him, if she wouldn't have died immediately from shy embarrassment at the mere thought of being so forward. She was not a prude, but she was still quite young. Between the sometimes overly protective guardianship of the Chairman, Zero, Kaname and Cross Academy itself, she had lived a relatively sheltered life thus far. She'd not had a real boyfriend yet, never even been kissed. Her fantasies of love and romance were still on the relatively tame, storybook side of things. She wanted to hold hands, go for walks, kiss under the stars... she wasn't emotionally ready to contemplate being serious enough to sleep with someone. Seeing Kaname like this... as nice as it most definitely was on one level... was complete overload. And she couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that he had been... had been in bed with Zero. That thought alone was enough to make her feel like a confused, gibbering idiot. She averted her eyes and turned away again, tugging urgently at the door knob.

"Let me go," she pleaded softly, horribly embarrassed and desperate to get out of there.

"Yuki, please let me explain..." Kaname's face was intent with concern as he looked at her, still holding the door firmly shut. Panicked butterflies were trying to tear holes in his stomach. This whole situation was so hideously awkward and absurd, he couldn't believe he'd let this happen. What was wrong with him? He was intensely aware of his undressed state, and painfully aware that he was making Yuki very uncomfortable, but he she had to give him a chance to try to explain... Explain what, you moron? How are you going to explain this so that a human can understand? Do you even have a right to try?

"You don't have to, really. Look... it's okay... I'm not a baby. I mean, I know that guys can... can be in love with each other too and... I mean... it's fine... honest..." Yuki was babbling and humiliating herself more by the second. She gave up on the knob and just stared at the door miserably, wanting to be anywhere but here. Everything was obviously anything but fine.

If Kaname hadn't felt so conflicted inside, he would have been amused by her stumbling words. Yuki was so innocent and naive, seeing them in bed and automatically speaking of love. Yet at the same time, her innocence held a mirror to his soul, as it always had... and forced him to actually question what it was exactly that he felt for Zero. Now was not the time for that, though. Kaname touched her shoulder gently, wincing at the way she tried to cringe away from him.

"Yuki, I know a great deal has happened in a very short time. I apologize for that. Zero and I have formed a bond that's difficult to explain. We've become very... close. But it's not..." Kaname had the unique experience of having almost no idea how to say what he was trying to say. It was a very unusual and intensely unpleasant sensation. "It doesn't change how I feel about you, or what I have said to you before." He felt like his eloquence totally failed him when he really needed it most. The pureblood dipped his head, lips brushing Yuki's hair ever so lightly. "I love you, Yuki, you know I-"

"Don't...!" Yuki cut him off hoarsely, pressing her forehead against the door. Her body shivered in response to Kaname's light caress. She ached for him and she felt absolutely wretched. She pulled away, twisting around to look up at him with hurting, uncomprehending eyes. She had adored him since she was little. Probably since before she could even remember from what she now understood of their past. But sometimes he seemed so distant and remote; sometimes she simply did not understand him at all.

"Kaname, don't, please. How can you say that to me? Now, like this? What about Zero? What do those words even mean to you?" Yuki felt guilty for saying it, but she couldn't help herself. Kaname had told her he loved her, that he wanted her to be his. She'd dared think he might actually mean it, dared dream a little bit about what it might be like to have him as a boyfriend, maybe someday even as more than that. To find him like this... had he meant anything he'd ever said to her? Or had she simply blown it? Had he wanted more from her that she wasn't ready to give yet so he'd... he'd... what? Lost interest? Gone somewhere else? And then there was Zero... if he'd found some kind of happiness, she'd be damned if she took it away from him, she wouldn't let anyone hurt him like that, even Kaname. Even if her heart was breaking.

Pain flickered through Kaname's eyes. He'd been right. Yuki felt the same as Zero. There weren't words to describe how deeply it hurt to have her looking at him like this. To have her of all people look at him like a monster. She might as well have struck him, it would have hurt a lot less, but Kaname supposed he deserved it. He couldn't explain himself, couldn't justify how he could love her and yet care so much for Zero. How he could expect her to share him with someone else... especially Zero. He felt trapped in this tangled web of human mores that part of him felt drawn towards, and part of him just didn't understand at all. Or maybe it was himself that he didn't understand. Because he was a creature meant for darkness that was always trying to reach for that which lived in daylight, and it had finally burned him.

Kaname released the door. Yuki obviously couldn't believe what he felt for her, and he wouldn't lie to reassure her and tell her that Zero meant nothing to him; that was a betrayal he couldn't commit. It would probably only make her angry for Zero's sake anyway. No... there was nothing he could say to her. So he simply crossed back to the bed and sat down, leaving her free to go.

"I'm sorry, Yuki," he said softly, a little hoarsely. "I never meant to hurt you... or Zero. Of all mysteries, I suppose... the heart is the strangest and the most cruel. If you can't believe that, perhaps you can at least try to forgive me."

Yuki watched him for a moment, before she turned and tugged the door open, disappearing swiftly.

Alone, Kaname sank his head into his hands and shoved his fingers into his hair, gripping tightly. So many times, he'd feared that who he was, what he was, would push Yuki away from him forever. Now he'd finally managed to do it, and make Zero hate him again at the same time. He didn't expect Zero was going to want to forgive him for this whole situation, if he wasn't already nearly in the next country by now anyway. It was ridiculous, how staggeringly painful it was to feel that he had just been isolated from the two people who meant the most to him.

Kaname grimaced bitterly as he sank back to lay sprawled on the bed, staring sardonically up at the ceiling. Two people who meant the most to him? When had he started feeling like that? What a mess... when had his life turned into such a ludicrous sideshow soap-opera? How could he have let this happen?

Kaname closed his eyes against the bitter, confused pain throbbing through his heart. How could he expect Yuki to understand him when he didn't understand himself?